Ⅵ. The past |2|

"It's boring! Hyung, why can't we do something with action?" I whined.

"Playing games is fun and has action as well~" Seyong was engrossed in the game. His eyes sparkled and he won until now every game.

"Yah! Hyung! I thought we would go outside and enjoy the good weather!" It was frustrating!

"You can't do anything anyway. Almost everything that claimed strength is nothing for you and so we ca-.."

"But at least I can move! I don't want to stay all day long at home!" I interrupted him. "Pleaseeee~"

"Do you know that your totally failing with aegyo?" he chuckled and ruffled my hair. "But okay, only" he held his index finger high, "if you don't force yourself too much only because you want to stay outside!"

I smiled. "That's the principal I know and respect!"

"When did you ever respect me, you punk?!?" he grinned.

"Always?"

'I love you like a brother, hyung.'

We got ready and went outside. I inhaled the fresh air and eyed the nice weather. "Look, the sky! Waaaah~"

"Hahaha, you act like you didn't get the chance to go outside for years!"

"Almost a day is too much. You know how I used to stay all day outside with Jongie, my friends and mum and dad!" I closed my eyes and let the sun warm up my face.

"I thought you hated the sun!" Seyong hyung teased.

"I always hate her but it's just like a hate-love relationship~"

'Sometimes she's too bright for me to handle..'

"And" I smiled brightly, "doesn't the warmth feel good?"

"Right, it does feel good. But open your eyes and watch out. When you hurt yourself I'll kill you!"

"I know, but let's go! There is a place I want to show you!" I dragged him to the park. But the special thing was that there was place only Sungjong and I knew about. And because Seyong helped me out, he deserved to see it, the place where I could show my feelings when I was alone and couldn't bare the pain any longer.

I covered his eyes and made my way while trying not to fall. When we reached the place I let my hands fall.

"Surprise~"

"Uhm.. H-how do you k-know about t-this p-place?" Hyung's eyes widened. I didn't understand.

"What do you mean, hyung? Do you...probably know this place?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Yeah, kind of." He scratched the back if his neck. He was nervous. "Ch-chaejin showed it me a f-few weeks a-ago.."

"Ahh."

'His lover. But where does he know this place?'

"Whatever. Surprise failed. Nyah~ what know?" I eyed him. He was still nervous. "Haha. Hyung, it's okay, just relax!"

"O-okay.. I'm sorry." His head hung low and he fiddled with his shirt.

'Why does he behave so weird?'

"What's wrong? Does anything bother you?" I approached him.

"No.. It's only that I know that you're disappointed. You looked so excited and I destroyed it." he sighed.

"No need to worry! Should I just sing something for you?" I asked excited. I loved singing in front of him, he knew how to react every time.

"Sure. I love it when you sing something for me!" He looked up and beamed at me. He didn't look like my hyung anymore when he looked like this.

"You look so much younger when you behave like this!" I snickered. Teasing him was always funny!

"Yah, just sing!" He sat under a tree and patted the empty place right next to him.

"Okay!" I skipped to him and sat down. As I was about to start Seyong hyung stopped me.

"Wait! What if you ran out if breath??? Do you have the pills with you and water??? , I knew I forgot something!"

"Calm down. Nothing will happen it's a soft song, so just enjoy the moment. It's the first time I sing this song!" I took his hand with both of mine and began to sing as light as I could.

The words I wanted to say in front of you

the words I couldn’t say

Without the chance to say them

you left me alone in this place

All I can do is watch,

all I can do is hold on,

and wait for you here

You’ve gotten farther away

leaving only regrets,

say it with both eyes closed

I call out without sound,

I call out remembering you

I try forgetting you,

knowing you don’t share my feelings

The words I couldn’t say to you…I love you.

The words I couldn’t bring myself to say

Without the chance to say them

you’re leaving me alone here and going farther away

All I can do is wait,

all I can do is close my eyes,

and I’m stopped here

You’ve gotten farther away

leaving only regrets,

say it with both your hands together

I call out without sound

I call out remembering you

I try to empty myself of you,

knowing your mind isn’t here

I say it with my mind,

thinking that maybe you’ll come back to me

You don’t share my feelings,

but if you came back I might run into you

I yell out again today

knowing that my voice won’t be heard

You won’t hear me, but I keep calling

Our story, written on an empty notebook

I’ve become alone after you ripped it apart In a house without you,

there’s nothing to do

I know that you’ll already have forgotten about me

I try to erase traces of you in my room

I say it with my mind,

thinking that maybe you’ll come back to me

You don’t share my feelings,

but if you came back

I might run into you

I wait…

I wait thinking that I may run into you..

Only when I was finished, I realized that I was crying. I should've known it. It's like my story.

"Sungyeol.." I knew by now that he cried, too. Seyong hyung took me in his embrace and whispered, "That was beautiful. Your voice is one of a kind. It's hard to make me cry, you know this."

I wrapped my arms around him and sighed in content. "Why can't my parents be like you?" It came out of my mouth and as I noticed what I said, I backed out of his arms and covered my mouth in shame. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!!" I loved my parents, but I couldn't show them the real me. I enjoyed my time with them, it's really great with them and Sungjong together, but they only want to see the bright side if life since the accident with Sungjong's parents.

"You know, they can't do anything about it." He wrapped his arms again around me. "They want to show you only the good things. But it's difficult when you lost your beloved ones. Especially in your case." He my hair and I snuggled in his chest. Tears flew down my cheeks. "You're like the sun, bright and enthusiastic when everyone looks at you, but at night when nobody's looking your facade falls and your broken side is revealed."

"I should've seen it coming, that I would end up crying in your arms again." I chuckled bitterly. Silence took over us. I sighed and said, "Do you think he's okay?" I trembled and shed another pair of tears.

"Of course! He's feeling great and he thanks you that you care about him a lot. Even after his death."

'It is a good thing, that we're here. Nobody can see or hear us.'

"Do you think that he hates  me....for being so pitiful?" I couldn't help but ask. It bothered me a lot. "Do you think that the nightmares won't coming again, when I'm with you?"

"They won't come. I'll make sure if it. We'll sleep together so you won't be alone when you drift of to sleep and wake up!" I could feel his smile against my hair.

"You're like a real home for me, comforting, warm and shoulder to lean on." I leaned back and smiled back at him.

"Aish, what should I do with a kid like you?" he laughed. "Don't say things like this, even if it's really sweet." he said serious.

I sighed. "Seriously, how often do I need to sigh until you let me say things that I mean from the bottom of my heart?" I stared into his eyes and leaned then our foreheads together. "You're my home and mom and dad are my life. This is fair to say, you know!"

"Really, you need to stop. You make me feel uncomfortable.." Seyong hyung sighed. "Come, let's head back home. We need to call your parents to make sure that they don't have anything against you staying at my place for more than a week." He stood with me up. "Come, I'll carry you on my back."

"OK, Seyong appa~"

"Yah!" he whined. "Shut up, we get going!" I sighed in delight.

'My almost-father Seyong.'

Hyung didn't complain one time that I was too heavy or too big for his back. He's a good person.

"..sleep well.." I drifted with a smile still on my lips off to sleep.

"Hyung, did you probably see a little kid with black hair, 9 years old?"

We were having breakfast after he told the school about our hiatus. The reason was that I needed rest and the doctor would confirm it as well.

"Mhmm.. When I think about it, yes. There was a little kid with the boy that saved you. He was crying and his brother, I think he's his brother, probably refused to visit you on the same day with him. He left with the little boy in his arms." Seyong hyung informed me. "The boy was really cold but he has a soft spot for his brother, he tried to calm him down, when he cried and was saying that you would die. By the way, who's this kid? I don't think I saw him near you or the others."

"Ah, just someone I had met on the bridge." I said against my coffee. "He's really kind. He shouldn't have cry over someone like me." I grinned.

'I'm sorry, little kid.'

"How often do I have to say, that you shouldn't say such things. Even if it's true, you should see everything with different eyes. Like me, I'm a principal after all and most of the time is a torture, but I still look forward to what the students can accomplish and that's why I can't give up." I hate his lectures. His personality and everything are just perfect even with his flaws and imperfect self.

"And how often do I have to tell you, that it's hard to accomplish something when I'm not ready to face everything beyond my pain?" I was annoyed and because of that I wasn't that mad about the theme that contained my biggest flaw.

"But your friends are here for you, even if they moved away, you can always meet them. If you want, I can call them, so you would have some distraction. I could also ask Chaejin-ah, he could introduce you to his friends, they're probably way much older than you but they're okay!" I loved his cheering side! How could someone be optimistic like him?

I sighed in defeat. "How can I say no?" We grinned at each other. I understood why Chaejin hyung loved him.

"Then I call them, after the school ended. You'll have fun and me as well." He wiggled his eyebrows and I knew what he meant. Something only adults should've know.

So it came out, that every time my friends and me met, we made bets. They distracted me as good as possible. Since then, I thought barely about it and the nightmares started to lessen.

"Hyung, do you want to accompany me to his grave?" I smiled slightly.

"Sure, I need to tell him everything about you and me and Chaejin and all the bets that you lost." He grinned mischievously.

"NO! Hyung, please, don't, he would laugh his out for sure!" I said sarcastic.

He laughed, took the bouquet and we exited his apartment.

'It's been a long time..'

"I love you, grandpa. I hope they treat you well, wherever you might be." A single tear slipped down and landed on the flowers on his grave. "I hope you do not mind, if I continue to live and have fun. The fault lies with me, but I have always loved you, love you now and will still make it in the future."

"I hope, we don't come late. The time is running, noona! Should I carry you on my back?" Sungjong rushed me, but he knew that I couldn't go faster.

"Jo