DONGHAE

I didn't even know when it all started. Maybe I was too naive, too oblivious of my surroundings and just thought about myself---about Hyukjae and I. But that's the problem. I have been too focused of my relationship with HyukJae. I have been preoccupied about it; not a single day would pass that I wouldn't call or text him, or even think about him because trust me when I say he is always on my mind. The entire time we have been together, there's been nothing inside my brain but on how to make my boyfriend happy, how I could maintain the light feeling we have for each other. So that is why I am confused when it happened. And how. Because we've been together for almost 2 years already and I thought that everything's going strong.

But then it occured to me how everything is going anything but strong. We are everything but steady. Because somehow, it feels like we are falling apart.

I love him. Everyone knows that. HyukJae has been my life and my soul---my home. With him, I feel the true meaning of happiness. Holding his hand gives me warmth. Kissing him makes me feel at peace. I love him so much. Maybe too much that it's already unhealthy. But I don't mind. Because that's how I feel. And I know Hyukkie feels the same. Atleast, that's what I want to believe.

The past few days have been hectic for the band. Especially since from 15 members, we are down with 13 left.

Weeks have passed and the company's ben pushing us to our limits, making sure that we make up for whatever job our 2 members left undone; we've been doing countless talkshows, unending photoshoots, and fansigning events. They are making sure that our fans won't deduce just because Hankyung-hyung and Bummie left. And they are making sure that people could witness that we could do things on our own. But it was hard. We didn't have enough time to wallow in misery of losing 2 brothers, didn't have enough courage to fight for them. And we didn't have even the smallest moment to say our goodbyes properly. Our chinese hyung left without the word and KiBum left the next day he announced he'd be leaving the band. It was overwhelming---but we had to carry on. To hide away the pain, the remainig members drowned themselves in work---giving their all to whatever opporunity given to us. But I know. I know why they are hiding the agony; why they are trying to talk brightly or smile widely.

They are hiding it because they have to show the company that we are stronger than they thing. They talk lively because they don't want to have a silent environment which would give them the room to think and remember those unfortunate events. They smile brightly because inside the four corners of their room, it is where they bare their face---where they take off that feigning mask of happiness that they show the world. And it pains me that I can't do anything about it---not when I can't even solve my own problems.

Clutching at the remote control, my eyes were glued on the TV screen where a certain red hair is being shown with a girl beside him. The show started fine, at first. They were all friendly and greeting politely. But then, they started making pairings. It was a new segment and I was surprised HyukJae did not inform me about this when I was talking to him before he went to film. And now, 30 minutes before the show ends, EunHyuk is holding her hand with a bright smile on his face as the girl shyly admitted to the people that he finds my boyfriend handsome.

"DongHae? Is that you?"

Facing the new comer, I gave a small smile before turning back to the television where I started biting my lower lip.

"Are you alright, Hae? Why are you still awake? You have an early---"

"Teukkie-hyung," I interrupted.

"What is it?"

"I---what do you think about HyukJae and I?" I finally asked with a soft voice, looking down and avoiding the leader's speculating eyes.

"What kind of question is that?" Leeteuk-hyung responded, bafflement obvious in his tone.

"It's just---I want to know what you think about us."

He sighed before speaking, "I think you two should get married."

"Hyung!" I whined, feeling my cheeks heat up from the comment. My hair was ruffled before the remote was snatched away from my hands and the television was switched off.

"Look, DongHae. What you see in the television are lies. Hyukjae is flirting with a celebrity becuase people wants to see that---they are looking for something to gossip about and it is our job to provide them that. It's just work. After the show, he'd be coming back and holding you close to him, okay? Stop getting jealous over nothing," Leeteuk-hyung said with a gently voice that automatically calmed me down. Slowly looking up, I gave him a grateful smile as he walked me to my room and tucked me to sleep.

*

The sound of the door being slammed shut woke me up from my slumber. Alarmed, I reached the bedside lamp and flipped the switch on only to see a dishevelled HyukJae right infront of the closed door, his eyes unfocused and his hair pointing to different directions.

"Hyukkie? What happened to you?" I asked with concern as I went down the bed and walked towards my lover.

"DongHae---ugh, I want to sleep," he grumbled, letting his bag fall on the floor as he let his body lean on mine, his arm going around my waist. My nose scrunched as I smell alcohol in his breath and even on his clothes, and there was something else---

Female perfume.

"Where have you been?" I asked, half dragging him to the bed.

"Party---" he answered.

"Whose?"

"Who else? My crush!" He answered with a bright tone, before he jumped to the bed. I watch him snuggling to the bedsheets, hugging the pillow to his chest and trying to even his breathing. And I can feel my heart beating irregularly. What was that that he said?

"What?"

"What what?" He answered sleepily.

"Whose party did you attend to?" I asked again, this time with a bit of anger.

"I told you, my crush's party!" He answered with an annoyed tone.

"Who is this---"

"Ugh! You're so noisy! I told you it was my crush's party! It was Ji Eun! Ji Eun's birthday party, alright?! Must you be so loud about this?! I want to sleep and you're not letting me! Ugh!" He exploded, sitting at the middle of the bed with a glare directed towards me. Shocked from the sudden animosity, I took a step back, looking at him with wide eyes and he scoffed as he saw my expression. "What? Too surprised that I got mad? Seriously, DongHae. It's not as if you haven't seen this side of me."

"But---this is---after we got together---"

"And you're saying that because we're lovers I wouldn't get mad? Oh come on! I am not perfect, Lee DongHae. I get happy, sad, scared, excited, annoyed and mad when I want to. And let me be honest, from the start I was happy and excited to try being with you. But as the time passes, I was more scared than happy because you are so damn clingy and obvious about us sometimes. Can't you see that Korea is not open with men liking each other? And in case you haven't notice, I am a guy and so are you."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I am saying," I raised his voice again before looking at me straight in the eyes, "Just because I am your boyfriend, it doesn't mean I can't like other girls. What if I want what I had before? What if I want to be normal again? What if I feel ashamed getting seen with you? What then? What happens next?"

I can't believe my ears. Am I really hearing this now? Is he really saying this to me now?

"No answer? Good. Now, can I please sleep?" He added with an annoyed tone before slumping down on the bed and covering his entire frame with the bedsheet while I remained standing at the end of the bed, looking at the guy's form with an unbelieving eyes.

I know I can't bear to sleep beside him after the fight and I understand that he's just drunk that's why he said that but my heart is being stubborn; getting hurt even if my head knows that Hyukjae is not thinking straight as of the moment. So without futher ado, I left the room quietly after turning of the lights and headed straight to the living room, lying down on the sofa. Ignoring my heart, I closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep.

*

"I'm sorry."

Those were the words that I heard the moment my eyes fluttered open. When my eyes regained its focus, I saw HyukJae sitting on the floor, his palm on my cheek as he it gently and he was looking at my with guilty eyes. Sitting up from my position, HyukJae placed his hands on my lap as he remained on the floor.

"Are you alright?" I asked, cupping his face and making him face me.

"Yeah. I was drunk and I---I wasn't thinking straight. I'm so sorry, Hae," he said but I shook my head and pulled him to the sofa. When he was position beside me, I let my body lean in to him and he wrapped me in his arms.

"I understand. I was just jealous last night," I told him honestly.

"I'm so---"

"I said it's fine, I forgive you so no more apologizing," I cut him off with a chuckle before I looked up and kissed his lips softly. When I pulled away, I smiled at him in which he returned.

"I won't do it again. Promise," he whispered.

*

But that promise was left forgotten as he started going back to the dorm in the same state he was in that night. Last night would be the fifth night and every single time, we'd end up fighting and either of us would be sleeping out in the living room because we can't bear to be beside each other anymore. And it would get fixed the next day, with the same words and uttering the same promises.

And it was starting to be a routine.

I promised myself that I would be an understanding lover; that maybe Hyukjae's just too stressed with work. Maybe he just needs to vent it all out. Maybe he just needs someone to be there for him and I will be that one. So I tried to understand even if he started saying words that hurts me---words that feels like he's cutting my oxygen because hearing those words from him is like killing me. But still, I tried to understand and went out of the room, sleeping in the sofa for the 3rd time this month. And I know that he'd be apologizing the next day, and we'd be fine again.

But instead of getting awake with HyukJae's voice, I was jolted by the sound of my phone which was under my pillow. Grabbing it reluctanly, I pressed the button and placed it on my ear where I heard lots of unnecessary noise that made me wince matching with the voice of manager-hyung's fast talking.

"Hyung," I whined, slowly sitting up and rubbing my left eye with the back of my hand. "I can't understand."

"Where's HyukJae?" He asked.

"He's still asleep. Why? His schedule's not until 4 in the afternoon, right?" I asked curiously.

"Oh no he is not. He's coming straight to the company. He's got some explaining to do," manager-hyung said with a pissed of tone.

Concerned, I asked, "Why? What happened?"

"Check it out yourself. Turn on the television and you'll see," was all he said and the line was cut. I stared at my phone weirdly for a few seconds before tossing it aside, grabbing the remote on the floor to switch on the TV. And the first thing that was laid infront of me was HyukJae's face  and a woman's photo beside him with a caption---

EUNHYUK & IU SCANDAL

And I dropped the remote as I bolted out of the house.

*

AND THE FUN SHALL START :)

I AM SO BAD >:)

SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT BABIES

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