LEE HYUKJAE

I can't understand where everything started crumbling down.

One moment we are all celebrating for another award; there were playful kicks, warm hugs, warm felt words and presence of unity radiating from our forms. We were all happy, every day a joyful routine as we get over our schedules with smiles even if we are all tired. Times where we spent times in the living room, doing the ritual movie night every Sunday evening started by Leeteuk-hyung. We were all expecting the dinner Ryeowook and Hankyung-hyung will prepare every Wednesdays. We were all snickering as KyuHyun would get scolded by Heechul-hyung. We were all patiently waiting for that vacation the company promised after SS2. We were all planning on how to how to make our much awaited vacation the most memorable one; writing down notes about England, searching about its culture, food and the sights we are dying to visit. There was that undying excitement in the dorm whenever the talk about the vacation which was only a few days away.

But then it faded.

The vacation forgotten.

The happy smiles erased.

The excitement burned to the ground.

As Hankyung-hyung said he'd be leaving the group.

I can still remember how the silence of the room was deafening that night. We were all huddled in the room, DongHae in my arms and the other members focusing on the television screen as they watched our previous performance. All 12 of us are there, except for Hankyung-hyung, but the latter made his presence known by the slamming of the front door, and manager-hyung trailing at him with a furious expression; but he was also sporting the same face.

"What on earth did you just do?!" Manager-hyung shouted, startling us all as 12 heads turned toward their direction. Hankyung-hyung had his back on us, and manager-hyung had to force him to look back at him by placing a hand on his shoulder and spinning him around. And we were all shocked by he furious look he got on his face. Hankyung-hyung, the gentlest person I ever knew having that expression was something I never thought possible and I was sure the other members share the same sentiments.

"You knew, didn't you?! Were you with them?! Were you a part of their plan?!"

"I was not! I---"

"Liar! All of you!" He cut him off, his eyes landing on us and his glare hardened. "And you guys, are you also lying to me?"

Heechul-hyung was the one to stood up, walking towards his closest friend in a slithe manner but Hankyung-hyung took a step back as Hee-hyung was a few step from his place.

"Hannie, what is wrong?" A calm voice came from our diva-hyung, a tone he only used with Hankyung-hyung and DongHae.

"Heechul-ah---" there was that whimper, and that sad eyes passing Hankyung-hyung's face but was gone and that glare was back. "Don't come near me," he hissed instead. "Did you know from the start? Were you part of this big fat lie, Heechul? Of all people, I would have exected you to atleast be the only one by my side."

"What are you talking about, Hannie?"

"Stop!" He hissed. "Stop calling me that. I am not Hannie anymore. Not Hankyung, either. I am Hangeng and I quit this group."

 With that said, he went to his room with the slam of the door, and we all had big eyes. In a flash, Heechul-hyung was holding our manager's collar, looking at him with that deadly eyes that no one would want to see as he asked what happened. Manager-hyung, still surprised from the happening, only looked back at Heechul-hyung with blank eyes as he said,

"Lee Soo Man---"

The explanation itself was irrational. We didn't want to believe. Didn't want to think that the person we thought of like a father-figure would do such a thing to our member, our brother. We scoffed and thought of it all as a big nightmare. And even if we were still befuddled, we went to bed that night, hoping and wishing that everything would go back to normal.

But it didn't.

And it was not a nightmare.

Because the next day, one room of our apartment was empty; the closet cleaned, the room organized.

And Hankyung-hyung was nowhere to be found.

Until 3 days later, we heard he went back to his family and the comany announced how the members were down to 12. 

That was when we all crumbled down.

*

Days became gloomy as we all started carrying out our schedule. Though we are all not in the mood to face the camera and show a fake smile, we were forced to do it because the company wanted to; because it was the reason we were even brought up by the company.

I dragged my feet to the hallways of the company, trying to get to the practice room because it was the only way I could calm my head. Dancing was the only escape I know I have. And dancing could make me so tired I can't have time to think of how our situation is because my head would be filled with nothing but sleep and my eyes would close on its own.

A familiar door was within sight and I purposely tried to walk faster to reach my destination but was cut short when I realized it was slightly open, and there were voices coming from the inside. Curious as to who was using the room, I decided to peek from the small opening without really moving the door to not disturb to whoever was inside.

"What---you're leaving? But---"

That voice came to my ears when I saw the occupants of the room. They were both sitting on the wood floor, their backs on the mirror wall as they talked. And I stayed rooted to my place as I saw how the other was looking at his companion with sad brown eyes.

"Yeah."

"But---you---why?"

"Because I can't bear to see you anymore."

"W---what?"

"I can't endure seeing you with him anymore."

There was silence as the duo remained unmoving, and so was I. A few minutes passed when the dark haired guy started talking, leaning his head back with his eyes on the ceiling.

"I've liked you. For awhile now. And I never would have admitted it to myself if not for the fact that you are in love with him. And I would have made a move if you didn't end up together. I've liked you, and I wanted to be close to you so I stayed silent. I remained as your friend because I thought I would be content just to be a friend. But I was wrong."

The person listening was looking at the ground, his lips trembling and I could tell he was close to crying.

"I thought it would be enough to just be close to you, to just be a close friend. But it wasn't. Every time I see you together, the smiles you give each other, the hidden touches, the subtle kisses you make when you thought no one was looking, the way you held each other's hands under the table, the way you whisper sweet nothings in the van when you thought everyone was asleep...it got hard. It was too hard because I wanted to do that with you too. It got unbearable because I wanted you to look at me with those eyes. It got painful because I wanted you to say those words to me too. It got too hard that I had to go away. I have to distance myself because if I don't, I'll end up doing something that could make you sad and believe me when I say I want nothing more that to see you happy. That's why I have to leave."

"But I---"

"Shhh," he silenced the other, pacing a finger on his companions lips and leaned forward to rest his forehead on the other, "stop talking, DongHae-hyung."

"But---"

"Tell me," the other cut him off again, with closed eyes as he brought down his hand and captured the brunette's face in between his hands, staring into his eyes, "if I confessed to you first, if you knew what I felt before he did, do you think that maybe---that maybe you'd fall in love with me as you are now with HyukJae-hyung? Do you think I would have a chance?"

My heart sped up as I waited in vain, clutching my bottled water tightly. And I walked away when I heard DongHae answer,

"Yes. I think you would have a chance, KiBum-ah."

*

When evening came, I showed a poker face as I saw KiBum and DongHae entering the room together. And even if DongHae took quick steps to sit beside me, placing a light kiss on my lips and curling on the couch with his head on my shoulder and his arms around my neck, my arms weren’t moving around his waist like it always does.

KiBum called everyone in the living room, and announced his leave. Everyone started crying, and hugging KiBum as he explained how he wanted to pursue his career as an actor. How he wanted to make his dream come true. How he’ll leave the group and come back as a famous actor in the future. Everyone was sad and happy at the same time; patting his head, caressing his cheek, rooting for him and telling him he could do it without a sweat.

Everyone was too engrossed with KiBum.

But my attention was at the person beside me, with the tears that are surely pouring down his face. I can’t see him, but I know he is crying because the sleeve of my shirt felt wet when he hid his eyes by coming closer to my neck. I can hear the sharp intake of breaths as he tried to remain silent even if he was sobbing. I could feel the trembling of his body. I know he is sad. I know he is devastated.

And yet, I feel the anger boiling up inside me.

I feel disappointed that he feels this way.

A dark bubble was floating in my head as I hate the way he sheds a tear for KiBum.

Comforting him would have been the best thing to do but I can’t. Because in my head, I keep on hearing those words he uttered at the dance studio. In my head, I could still see how they were so close. In my head, I could imagine how they might have shared a kiss when I left and my hands were closed in a fist.

Is he cheating on me?

Those thoughts suddenly appeared.

Is he still in love with me like before?

And as I saw how KiBum glanced at our direction for a fraction of a second before looking away, I suddenly realized;

Am I not enough for him anymore?