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HYUKJAE

I was leaning back on the chair, listening to every word being said to me halfheartedly.

"And don't think that because you are caught up in this situation that you'd have a break because no, suspending you would be too good. You'd still tend to your schedule and try to clear your name. You caused too much trouble as it is, the least you could do is to try fixing this on your own," Lee Soo Man said with an authoritive tone that no one dared disobey.

With my head casted down, I gave a curt nod before I was finally released from the conference room.

As me and manager-hyung made our way back to the van, the casted looks at my direction, the whisperings of some personnel and some idols did not go unnoticed. But I didn't care. I was in too much already to care what all of them are saying. So with an empty look, I mounted the van and we drove off to my first schedule of the day. As we drove away from the company, I let my mask falter for a bit, just a little bit as I brought up my legs up and place my head down.

"Are you okay, HyukJae?" Manager-hyung asked from the passenger seat and I can tell that he's looking at me with worry.

"Hmm. I'm fine," I lied, not wanting to show my weakness.

"Can you do it? Your schedule?"

A small smile was on my lips as I answered, "Yeah. It's better than staying in an empty dorm anyway."

*

"Let's break up."

I can't believe my ears. Is he serious?

"What?"

DongHae took a deep breath, and repeated those words that cut through my chest like sharp knives, "Let's break up, HyukJae."

"DongHae, please----please don't do this Hae. I love you...I need you," I said, pleading as I reached out to hold both his hands in mine. He remained unmoving, which I took as a good sign as I moved closer. "I know I did wrong. Everything's a mess right now and it's my fault. I've been careless and I wasn't mindful of my actions but I never wanted things to end this way. Please, DongHae---I love you."

"Remember that night, Hyuk? When we were still trainees and talking about random stuff. It's still vivid in my memory," DongHae started talking, his eyes casted down as he looked at our hands. "You asked me what my dream is---that one night at the rooftop. Then I answered you that my dream is to be someone that the world will never forget. And when I asked you the same question, do you remember what your answer is?" He asked and slowly, I shook my head and you chuckled.

"You told me that you wanted to be famous---someone the world would look up to and then when the right time comes, you'll marry a pretty girl, have kids and be a happy family."

My eyes were wide as I heard those words---the memory suddenly making its way into my brain. I remember. That starry night, when we were both exhausted from the training that we made a run to the rooftop just to unwind, to let ourselves have a breather. And then we resulted talking about our dreams, ambitions---our future.

"DongHae---" I started.

"I love you too, Hyuk. I love you so much that it's hurting me to see you like this," he cut me off and then I was speechless once again. "You want the world to look up to you as a respectable man, someone who does his work well without a flaw; Super Junior's dance machine and a remarkable MC. You're starting to make a name for yourself---people are starting to notice your talent. And yet now, you are looked down because of one single flaw. I know it must've been hard for you but it is harder for me to see you not reaching those dreams."

"And now, we runied each other by being together. And we could end up destroying each other's dreams...so it's not too late. If we can't save the relationship, at least we could save our future, right?" He ended and he finally looked at me with a small smile; a smile that doesn't look genuine.

"But I don't want to lose you," I tried again, trying to hold in the tears.

"You won't. I'll still be here. I'll still be DongHae."

"I want you to be here beside me, DongHae. I want you as my Hae," I told him with sincerity.

"You have no idea how much I wanted to stay as your DongHae---but we can't. Not anymore," DongHae replied with a dejected tone, that smile still on his lips.

"But why?!" I finally let out, the rage and sadness eating me whole that I can't stop myself. "I love you and you said you love me too, so why can't we stay the way we wanted to?! Why do we have to end things? Why do you have to break up with me?!"

"Because it's for the best. And I'm tired," he replied.

"Tired? You're tired of me?" I chuckled with full of sarcasm as I continued, "That's it, isn't? You're tired being with me? That's the real reason."

"Can't you see? We're not the same anymore---you're not the same anymore. Everynight you'll go home drunk and spouting nonsense and then we'd be fine the next day after you apologize but you'll just do it again. I'm tired of that. And everytime you try to hide our true status, flirting with every girl and every person the management will tell you, not caring if I am jealous because for you it's just work but for me---it hurts here," he said as he placed his hand on his left chest. "I'm tired of that. I'm tired of feeling jealous, I'm tired of understanding---I'm just tired of having my world revolve around you when in your world, I'm just a piece.."

I stared into his watery eyes, not believing what I'm hearing. My chest clenching form the pain of his words and I was deemed speechless.

Slowly, he took his hand away from mine and stood up, his back facing me as he said, "I have to go. My schedule will start." And with that he went ot our closet, grabbed a change of clothes and entered the bathroom.

*

I didn't intend for this to happen. I never want for us to break up like this. All I ever wanted was for him to see that I also had other people I like---the way he does with KiBum. But maybe I went beyond the line. DongHae's my everything. I don't know what I'll do without him because I got so used to his presence that imagining the days without him felt so unappealing and unworthy.

But I bit my lips as I stared at me phone, thinking if I should call him or not.

"HyukJae-ssi, we have 5 minutes before we start filming," one of the crew members reminded me and I gave him a smile and a nod as I finally took the courage to press 1 in my speeddial. The phone started dialing the number I memorized and my palms are sweating from the anticipation and I almost dropped my phone when someone answered.

"Hello? HyukJae?"

But disappointed was etched in my face as I heard a different voice---a voice that I came to loathe.

"KiBum? Why are you answering DongHaes's phone?" I asked, trying hard not to be rude.

"Oh, Hae's in the bathroom."

Don't call him Hae.

"Why are you with him?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"We bumped into each other at his filming site," KiBum explained with a happy tone that makes me want to reach out from the phone just to strangle him. If only that was possible.

"Hyukjae-hyung? Are you still there?"

Yes, I am here plotting on how to skin you alive.

"Yeah. Just tell him I called," I said and ended the call, not just with a heavy heart but an annoyed mood as well.