Cinnamon: Tears Of Cicadas

Title (5/5)


Honestly, I really like the title of this one-shot. I’m not quite sure whether you had this intention in mind as you were writing the title, but cicadas (According to the internet) means immortality and resurrection. Which I think, really spoke to how she first viewed Minho when he moved in next door. As well, it could mean the tears shed in the summer, and overall, I think it really suited the story. It would be something that I’d click on when scrolling through the titles of fanfiction. 


Appearance (4/5)

I think the majority of the story was actually quite organized in appearance. However, I would recommend that you make the headers more prominent though (Such as the seasons). However, overall, the organization made the story easier to follow and more separated (As I assume, your purpose of the seasons?)

Description/Foreword (4/10)

The foreword wasn’t all that appealing to me; it didn’t tell me anything about the story. Although it is a one-shot collection, the idea of the spices didn’t really pull me into the story. Though it is quite an unique concept, I think that the portrayal of the concept was not captivating enough. I would recommend that you put descriptions of each story in the foreword so as to pull in more readers. I would not click on further chapters if I’m not immediately pulled in by the foreword. However, it did tell me where you got the ideas of the story from, and that’s a great start!


English (6/15)

First sentence in the story, and there’s a grammatical error. ‘That’s a summer time’. Summer time is not an item, and hence cannot be described as ‘a’ summer time. Rather, it would’ve made perfect sense if you said ‘That’s summer time.” Though, this phrase would usually require an exclamation mark to put an emphasis on the subject. Almost as if the character’s stating this in exasperation. However, you could also portray this sentence differently if you said something like: ‘This is summer time!’ or ‘It’s summer time.’ Depending on what you would like to express, there are different ways of wording this particular short, sentence.

Always remember to use the same tense within a sentence. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Although it’s an error often overlooked, it’s very important to do this in order to maintain flow in your sentences.

Be careful of tense throughout the story; always maintain the same tense during the same sentence. An example could be taken from this: ‘The room almost sinks into the darkness, but some light escape through the curtain and lit up the room a little bit.’ Throughout the first half of this particular sentence, you used present tense: ‘Sinks’ or ‘escape --which should be changed to escapes’, however, instead of ‘lights up’ you used ‘lit up’. This grammatically wrong, and also makes the sentence sound somewhat awkward.  This is also valid in sentences such as ‘...his shout makes you startled.’, ‘Few days after that “event” happened, you become frustrated and upset.’, ‘It’s so annoyed!’, ‘Your mom’s threat always make you freaked out.’, ‘What is so surprised?’ In addition, it is also to remember what tense should be used when. Even if you use the same tense throughout the same sentence, it is important to consider whether you’re using the right tense in the right place. If you’re talking about a past event, use the past tense. If it’s currently happening, use the present tense. If you’re talking about the future, use words such as will, or words that indicate such.

One sentence that bothered me particularly much was ‘Because you have the eye problem...’ First of all, indicate what the problem is. Does she have nearsightedness? A cataract? Although it seems evident as to what you’re trying to portray through this sentence, it’s very vague. What eye problem? This sentence could be changed to something such as this: ‘You’ve developed nearsightedness over the years, and the boy’s face came almost as a blur.

Although I appreciate that you’ve attempted to add some humor into the fiction, it’s obvious to the reader that you’ve ‘froze’ in action, and not literally. It’s fine to use ‘froze’ in this particular tense, but the fact that you’ve added ‘...yes, being frozen in the month of June.’ It seems irrelevant and unnecessary.

‘Few seconds have passed, but you’re still in the statue state with your dumbfounded face, but not him.’ Remember to add an ‘A’ in front of the ‘Few seconds’. In situations such as these, when your sentences have become run-on, split them into two. It’s better to have two shorter sentences than one super long one sometimes. It could have been changed to something like this: ‘A few seconds have passed, but you, almost dumbfounded, seem unable to divert from statue state. He walks closer, however, as if for you to get a better picture of his face.’

Always remember to use words such as ‘with’ in situations such as ‘...the thing that you’re most impressed is his eyes.’ It should be converted to something like this: ‘...the thing that you’re most impressed with is his eyes.’ or better yet, ‘...but you’re most impressed with his eyes.’ Another note, is that you eyes cannot be ‘Stuck’ on a guy. Well, it could. But if you are planning to go on such route to describe how her eyes are planted on him, be more specific than ‘stick’. Use a metaphor, or a simile. Sometimes, however, it’s better just to stick with the basics.

Another thing to note is that short sentences have a very powerful effect. When you’re trying to express how she feels, try and start a new sentence. Such as when ‘...the sound of the grass cutting machine, the sound of their voices, everything makes you nuts.’ With knowledge that a lot of things are bothering her at the moment, you could put ‘...’ at the end of ‘...the sound of their voices’ and continue with ‘Everything’s driving you nuts!’ Together, it could look something like this: ‘... the sound of the grass cutting machine, the sound of their voices... Everything’s driving you nuts!’ In other sentences, you could just cut it off at the end and start a new sentence. However, what you should do is entirely up to circumstances. It could be different case to case.

Try to use better descriptive words than ‘saying’ when describing how one person is talking. You could use ‘exclaimed, shouting, screaming, yelling, calmly suggesting...etc.etc. This not only provides a better image for the reader, but further enhances their understanding of how one thing is said or done within the story.

When using words, try and not use ‘thing’ at the end of something that is already described. ‘Grounded thing’ is an example of such. You already know that they’re grounded, there’s no need to tell the reader that it’s a ‘thing’. It’s unnecessary and sounds almost awkward.

Be careful of pluralizations. Such as ‘down stair’ There’s more than one stair in a staircase, so it should be referred to ‘downstairs’. It is one word.

At the end of Summer, you state ‘in this time, he can’t control his laugh and he bursts out his rich sound of laughing’ First, it’s ‘At’ this time, because nothing has happened ‘in’ this time. Rather, it’s ‘at’ this time, because ‘at’ this particular time, this happened. Instead of laugh, it should be ‘laughter’. Rather than repeating the laugh twice in the particular sentence, merge it together and describe it once. It could be written such as this: ‘At this time, he bursts out in a rich laughter, unable to control the urge to any longer. The same could be applied to this sentence: ‘“Get in the table and eat this hurriedly!” First of all, it is physically impossible to get ‘in’ a table, unless the table has this secret door within it. Even if it was under the table, it is usually portrayed as ‘Get under the table!’ In a situation such as this, it would be best worded as ‘Hurry up and eat your breakfast!’ The addition of the table is unnecessary. But if you must, ‘Get to the table and eat your breakfast!’ or something of that sort.  This also applies to ‘“You ahve some kind of appointment in the game company, don’t you?’

In the first paragraph of Fall, there was many incidents where you forgot commas or ran on some sentences. But overall, there weren’t many major mistakes. However, always remember to double-check your work. ‘If people definite “nerd” like in those movies, you’re definitely not a nerd.’ the word is ‘define’ and not ‘definite’. Make sure you’re using the right vocabulary to ensure you have the right meaning across. ‘Woa’ is spelled with a ‘h’ on the end. Like this: ‘Woah’
However, there were times such as when you used cacophony, trenchant, that this higher level vocabulary really furthered your story. do better.

Flow (8/10)

I thought the flow was actually alright. Overall, it flowed very well, but some of the grammatical errors and other errors here and there obstructed me from continuing and moving on with the story. Other than that, very good job!

Characters 6/10)

I felt like you developed the main character very well; being that it is a two-shot, it is quite often difficult to develop a character within the short amount of time provided. Although I knew the main character (You) very well, Minho and the rest of characters almost didn’t seem descriptive enough. I actually didn’t see Minho in the fiction until you brought up his name. I had been so lost within the story that I could grasp who he was. You gave very literal and superficial descriptions of Minho and You, but I want something more. I want to know that character as the protagonist would. Just as how Minho’s important in the story, the rest of the characters supporting these two are very important as well. I think you developed the mother slightly more than the others, but other characters like Ye Rin, the father, and the brother, seemed like vague characters you put in to fill in the story. Just like how every person has a role in another’s life, each character should have a role. As well, you often don’t go deep enough in your descriptions. You start describing, and I feel like you’re going to tell me more about the character, how it’s actually feeling deep down inside, and then you just stop. And that’s it. I need more description, more understanding of the character. When developing characters, try and build them on foundations of real people; like how real people would act, and give them a real personality that one would find believable.


Plot (13/15)

At first, I really didn’t like the plot (When I first started reading the fiction). But as I continued reading, I actually found really unique parts of your story that made it you. That’s something that I look for a lot when I’m reading and reviewing stories, because there’s got to be something that’s unique about it to make it yours, per say. I really liked that you kept me guessing that it’d be cliche, and then it turns out that Minho did like her at the end, but I had thought otherwise. Sorry, I’m just rambling now. But when Minho said that ‘She’s leaving’, I automatically thought --Oh, she’s leaving the country--or something of that sort. However, when she died, I was very pleasantly surprised and happy, that you had surprised me in such a way. I haven’t had that in a while, and it takes a lot for an author to do that... To build twists and unexpected turns and reactions from it’s readers. I really like that. Although it was cliche, you managed to turn it into something completely you.

Creativity (910)

Absolutely awesome from the perspective of the whole plot. I totally love the twists and turns you’ve inserted in, and I can’t express how many people aren’t able to develop that WOW factor when going through the plot. So it’s really an awesome trait as an author, and I recommend that you build your others stories like this one.

Font (5/5)

Totally fine with the font (:

Enjoyment (7/15)

There are times where you got a little repetitive, such as when you noted that the character (You) furrowed their brows. However, this was stated not once, but twice in the first paragraph of the story. When doing it for the second time, you could always say: ‘You furrowed your eyebrows again.’ There was just a lot of grammatical errors (Just basic ones) that kind of stopped me from enjoying the fiction to it’s full extent, but I feel that I enjoyed the story overall. There was some slight problems with the organization of the sentence structure, and that bothered me quite a bit. Your writing style is quite choppy, and sometimes you do run-on in your sentences. I would recommend chopping and combining sentences when needed. I absolutely loved the ending of Winter, and it would be great for the rest of the story to be like that ending.


Total: 67/100


Reviewer: xfainwhispers

I think you have qualities that many other authors would wish to possess; and I think that if you work on grammar and punctuation, vocabulary..etc.etc., I think your stories would just be out of this world awesome. You have the plot down, now you just got to work on pulling on it together with the right type of language, and the right way to portray the things you want to portray. I hope that you wouldn’t take offense to anything that I’ve written; I do not sugarcoat my reviews, simply because I feel like I’m out to help as a reviewer, and sugarcoating would not help that. I hope that I haven’t offended you any way. I know you’ve got a lot potential, and a little fixing here and there could definitely bring your stories together. Thank you for requesting at DangoProductions! &&I hope you have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to contact me! &&Again, I apologize if I’ve offended you in any way.