A/N: Please listen to the song while reading if you know how to multitask :)

I smiled, but I wasn’t happy. I laughed, but I wasn’t having fun. My heart didn’t hurt when Minseok smiled and sometimes I thought it wasn’t even beating any longer. I then placed my right hand on the left side of my chest and felt a beat beating in a steady rhythm like it always did; noticing that I indeed still was very much alive. Even though everything was like it used to be, everything was different.

You’ve might heard the saying ‘those who smile the most, hurt the most’ and that might be true. I didn’t smile that often though, but I began smiling suddenly one day and it wouldn’t leave my lips. Everyone thought it was because of the pills, even I thought that, but then suddenly everything hit me. I was feeling all empty and apathetic. Nothing mattered anymore. If Minseok would leave me it wouldn’t matter, if my family would die it wouldn’t matter and if I fell and broke every bone in my body it wouldn’t matter either. The world was suddenly meaningless and I could only see what every person in this world was destined to; die. And then we’d be forgotten without leaving any trace behind us, except for maybe a child or two. We’ll all die one day, whether you like it or not. You may feel immortal right now; death is far away, but in fact it could be luring around the next corner you’ll pass. This immortal feeling will go away when someone close to you dies though, then you suddenly remember that you aren’t immortal and that you’ll never be. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. Maybe you’ll feel differently three to four days afterwards but then the immortal feeling gets back. That feeling is scary; we feel like we’re invincible, but in reality we aren’t. If a bullet goes through as at the right place, we’re screwed to put it nicely. We aren’t invincible and we aren’t immortal either, we’re just… humans.

“Excuse me professor?” I tried to get the professors attention. When I finally got it and he looked at me I continued. “Can I go to the restroom?”

He nodded and went back to the lecture. I quickly skipped out of the class and walked down the, luckily, empty hallways. I had the pills in my hand – two painkillers and an antidepressant – and then I had to get some water.

I only took the painkillers to make the non-existing pain go away. There was no pain; I felt nothing, but my brain told me I was hurt. I couldn’t tell where the pain was, because it was everywhere. Every inch; every little cell in my body. But at the same time I also felt nothing. Not even the pain. And when I say I felt nothing, I mean nothing. I was empty. There wasn’t even a black hole as many people describe it as. I was just empty, a shell, a useless container that housed a soul. I didn’t have feelings; neither for Minseok, my family nor for any other human being. I was just useless. I couldn’t even have feelings, so what good was I for? I had no purposes to live when I was empty; when I couldn’t even love. When I couldn’t even do something as simple as loving, I saw no reason in living.

I’d reached the bathroom and swallowed the three pills in one go. I’d become used to swallowing these pills and my body accepted them like they were a craving. I was on drugs and my body even accepted them.

My hands went to my pockets and I could feel the ripped off paper’s soft edges against my slightly rougher finger pads. It was a small note; small, but important. Very important. I didn’t even look at the note. I’d memorized every single word that was written on it because I’d written it. I hope they all understood what was written. I knew Minseok would.

As I walked down the hallway I found a staircase and went up of it.

This was my destiny. Nothing could change destiny. We’re destined to die anyways. You can’t prevent death, because we’ll all die one day. I’ll die just as I’m destined to; I’m destined to die like this, all empty, useless and with no future. I can’t continue living like this. I have to die anyways, so why not just die today?

I knotted my tie around the bannister. It was now. In a few minutes I would be flying. I would be free for the first time in my life. I would finally be able to see the world differently. I made sure to tie the knot extra tight so it wouldn’t go up when I’d let myself fall.

My body fell forwards and then I dangled in the air. I could feel the tie tighten around my neck. It would leave a bruise I would never have to see. Finally a bruise I would never see or feel. What a lovely world I’m entering. I couldn’t help but smile a little as I felt my trachea close as the tie tightened. A tear rolled down of my cheek; my thoughts only circling around Minseok and his beautiful smile. He was so wonderful and I was not. He deserved better than me, he didn’t gain anything from loving someone like me. He had to find someone better than me, he had to promise me that. He had to promise me that he wouldn’t follow me. I wanted him to be happy with someone else than me, someone that was good enough, but in my opinion no one was good enough for Minseok.

I’ve always wondered if Minseok would be there to catch me if I’d fall, but I’ll never know.

I felt the pressure around my throat and neck getting insanely tight. No air was let in or out. My lungs burned and everything in my body hurt. Everything throbbed and I could feel how my heart begin to slow down, almost stopping and how I slowly got more and more tired and heavy. Right before I fell asleep – or passed out – I could feel my tie slip from the bannister and I fell. I flew for the very first and very last time in my life. It was too late though, I already knew that; I couldn’t be saved. I was already being ripped out of my body as I fell; my soul couldn’t hold on any longer, it tried to, but its grasp was weak.

Right before my body collided with the ground, I sent my thoughts to Minseok: ‘Will you catch me if I fall?’

They didn’t work

I’m sorry

A/N: Thank you for reading ^^ Remember that this is fiction, even though antidepressant can be the reason for some depressions ending in suicide :)

And adorkyuble... I'm sorry if I disappointed you T^T The same goes to the rest of you ;~;