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adorkyuble  on May 11, 2013 21:40:10 says: x
i just wanted to point out that there are NO well-trained health professionals that will say that antidepressants will "cure" depression. there is NO real cure for depression because no one even knows the actual mechanism that causes depression. antidepressants is just 1 tool in a HUGE tool belt filled with other tools to alleviate some of the symptoms of depression. you need an aggressive plan filled with both psychotherapy (such as cognitive behavioral therapy, etc), medication and a support network to just manage depression, NOT cure it. it's like this: depression is just like diabetes or cancer. there is no cure for it like there are no actual cures for diabetes or various forms of cancer. once you have those diseases, you can just manage and treat the symptoms and get it under control BUT for the rest of your life, you'll have to check your blood sugar and for the rest of your life, you have to get checkups to make sure you're still in remission. 

Also, interesting fact: antidepressants take WEEKS even MONTHS to work properly. the only antidepressant that works in minutes is ketamine and that's not approved for treatment of depression by the FDA (in the US and i'm pretty sure it's like that in the rest of the world). so yeah, maybe patients think that that's what will happen but they quickly realize in a matter of days that their problems are still there and that their medication isn't "working" (again, it's because none of the drugs we have right now are targeting any specific part of the brain/neuro-receptors/neurotransmitters since we don't know why depression occurs. ketamine might be one that acts specifically but even its mechanism isn't fully understood and it's effects are only temporary). so, i would say most people actually have negative experiences as they think they will be "cured" and will be completely normal but still aren't (even after 2 weeks). many people quit before it starts working. 

“I was at the doctor’s yesterday,” I let him know as we were lying in each other’s arms on the couch. He was on top of me and we watched a movie he’d found in a card box yesterday in his family’s garage. It was a VHS and that just made it more appealing. You could see some stripes run down of the television screen, my television screen. It was one of those old TVs that were made back in 2000. Old, some would say, but it was one of the things I cherished the most. And it still worked so I could see no reason to change it. I even had a VHS player installed too. We – Minseok and I – both thought that you got a totally different experience when watching movies that were VHS instead of DVD. The pictures looked different and the bad quality just made the pictures more romantic and it gave the movie a different feel to it. We easily agreed on stuff like this, but when it came to other things, we had split opinions. He liked white chocolate and I liked dark. The darker it could get the better. I liked to drink black coffee whereas he liked coffee with a little bit of sugar and milk. But even though we didn’t have much in common we still liked each other. I even think that those differences were what made me like him even more.

“What did he say?” he asked, sounding rather apathetic while he followed the movie’s progression. It was an old movie from the 80’s. He said it was one of his father’s old movies his mother didn’t want to see in the living room. Minseok’s parents only watched DVDs after all.

I kept my gaze fastened on the small TV screen. “He printed a receipt on some antidepressant medicine. He said it would help.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” Minseok said in a supportive tone and I could feel his gaze on me, so of course I looked back at him. He smiled at me so I smiled back.

“Have you gotten it yet?” he asked and snuggled closer to me and let his focus slide back to the TV, so mine did too.

“I picked it up yesterday and have already begun taking it,” I answered and let my fingers slide through his hair. “I don’t feel any different though. Just like always.”

“You still feel empty?”

“Yes.”

You shouldn’t think that I would feel empty or depressed in any kind of way. I had a nice working family, no divorces, a sister. My family was wealthy and then of course I also had Minseok. I couldn’t feel depressed over anything, but somehow my brain still seemed to have found something. It made me lay restless at night, thinking about things I’d never thought about before. Things about life, like what if my parents hadn’t met? Then they wouldn’t have gotten me and their lives would have been different. Minseok’s life would have been different too. He says he can’t live without me all the time, but that’s not true, because if I’d never existed he would never have known me. If I’d never been at the library the same time as him, he wouldn’t have noticed me either and then his life would have been different too. So it actually would be possible for him to live without me before we met, but now when we had met he said it because he loved me. I didn’t really believe him though, because I knew he would continue on living after I passed away.

I also thought about how big the universe was and then suddenly I noticed how small I actually was and how little I knew. I wouldn’t even be able to make a difference in this world no matter what I’d do, because how much can one man change? The answer is not much.

I thought about how big the ocean was and how it would feel like to sink to the bottom where no one had ever been. I would be on unknown grounds, but I couldn’t be able to bring up the information about how it was down there, because I would be dead before I even reached the bottom. The cold water would freeze me; freeze my body so I wouldn’t be able to move even a finger. Afterwards I would sink further down, down in the black unknown place that would swallow my body as I hold my breath, just to see how long my body would be able to keep me alive. I wouldn’t want to hold my breath though, but it’s a reflex so I can’t do anything about it. As I would sink deeper and deeper, my lungs would begin to burn by the lack of oxygen and then a few seconds after I would open my moth because that’s also a reflex; it’s a craving. The water would engulf my mouth and then my lungs. I would slowly feel my throat close; trying to keep the water away from flooding my lungs, but it would be too late already. I would die and sink to the bottom, all the way to the bottom and experience unknown waters, but that’s only wish thinking.

 “Do you think they’ll help?” Minseok asked and continued focusing on the small TV.

“I hope so,” I answered honestly. I didn’t like to feel like this and anything would be better than this; feeling empty and having insomnia because of darting thoughts. I would much rather not think at all then. To be honest I didn’t even know what those pills would do to me, I only knew that they would help me get out of the depression. That was what my doctor told me, but he told me so many things. Sometimes I believed him, sometimes I didn’t, but that was my decision. This time I believed him though. He told me to take the pills and then it would help because nothing else helped, so I took them. I’d give it a chance.

“As long as you’ll still be my Luhan I can’t see any problem in you taking those pills,” Minseok tightened his grip around my waist. “I really do love you. Always remember that.”

“I will,” I said honestly and let my focus slide back to the television where a man was stabbing his ex-wife and her new husband to death while they were sleeping in a big double bed. No sound left them as the knife went through their stomachs. A silent death for ears that listened, but their bodies were probably screaming in pain. The worst thing was that the children were sleeping downstairs and had no idea about what was happening upstairs. They’d wake up to no one alive, only to two dead people in the big double bed.

A/N: I know this is posted a little bit earlier than planned, but it's my birthday today, so why not? ^^ I don't know if this chapter makes sense or not, but oh well ^^

Should I check the 'Rated 'M'' for this chapter? :o

Thank you adorkyuble for letting me use your nice comment~ :)