An annoying beeping sound woke me up. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was in a hospital room. All of the guys were in the room. I was hurt. I felt the pain. What happened? Appa was always here for me. Where was Appa? I’m hurt. Where’s Appa?

I gasped and started choking. The memory of the crash slammed against my skull. The guys looked at me and Daesung patted my back, trying to stop my choking. My chokes turned into sobs. I turned into Daesung and cried. I just cried. I didn’t even try to stop. He slid up onto the bed to hold me without a word. The rest of the guys sat down. Daesung rocked me back and forth while I cried.

“Appa, my Appa…” I repeated over and over while Daesung held me. His hand ran up and down my back and arm, trying to sooth me. I was so grateful he was here, but the pain in my heart, in my soul, was overwhelming me. I started to hyperventilate. I was having one of my anxiety attacks. I shook my head and pushed off of Daesung. I motioned for them to leave, but they stayed. TOP went for the doctor. I needed morphine or whatever the hell they were giving me. The doctor rushed in, checked me for a minute, and gave me some pain medication. I almost immediately started to calm down. I leaned against Daesung again and he cradled me against him. I let my eyes close before everything could get fuzzy. I was only hiccupping now. Daesung whispered something to me, but the sleeping overtaking me blocked it out.

When I woke up again, I kept my composure for the most part. I kept apologizing to Daesung and the guys for having to see me that way. I felt very embarrassed. I couldn’t stop thinking of my Appa, though, and sometimes I would cry quietly after burying my face in Daesung’s chest.

People kept coming in and helping me make funeral arrangements. That only made me sadder. Someone came in and told me about his will, and that everything had been left to me. Appa hadn’t had any other family. I didn’t care how much I had at the moment. I just wanted to mourn for my dear Appa.

When it was time to leave, the boys insisted that I stay with them. I didn’t argue. I didn’t want to go to that house. It wasn’t home anymore. Appa wasn’t there. It wasn’t home. TOP, Jiyong, and Seungri went to get some of my things from that house. Daesung and Youngbae took me to their place. Daesung picked me up out of the back of the car and carried me inside, Youngbae following silently behind. I was glad they didn’t talk. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to say anything.

Once we were inside, Daesung spoke. “Do you want to stay in my room with me, sweetheart?” he asked in a near whisper. I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck. He carried me into his room and sat me on the bed. He started to pull away, but I grabbed his arm.

“Please don’t go.” My tears swelled over and poured down my face.

“I’m not going anywhere, honey. It’s okay. I’m right here.” He my face, wiping my tears with his thumb. He slid into the bed beside me and curled his arms around my waist. My body fit perfectly against his. I snuggled up. We just lay like that for a while. It felt like that a long time. Youngbae come to check on us a few times. He brought food and water, but I never moved to have any. I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t have the will to drink.

After what felt like hours, Daesung started to sing to me. Right as I started to fall asleep, I felt as if my soul was starting to mend.

I felt alone as soon as I was aware I was awake. My eyes shot open and I sat up. TOP was sleeping in a chair next to my bed. He stirred and woke when he heard my gasp. He glanced around and back at me, looking for words to say.

He settled for, “Do you need anything?”

I looked at him, knowing I was about to cry, and shook my head. He frowned, looking sad as well, and looked like he was about to stand up. He was conflicted about moving towards me because we weren’t as close as the others, but he still wanted to comfort me. Thankfully, Daesung came back in.

“Thanks, hyung. Are you feeling hungry, Soo Yun ah?” Daesung asked me, kneeling beside the bed and taking my hand. I nodded. “Are you ready to come out and have something to eat?” I nodded again.

He smiled a little at me and lifted my hand as he stood up. TOP was gone. I followed Daesung out into the living room, holding onto his hand tightly. I didn’t know if I was ready to face the rest of the guys yet, but it was too late to question it. There they all were. They all gave me little smiles when I passed, but were still quiet. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. Daesung sat me on a bar stool in the kitchen. He started to make ramen for me. I remembered that day at the hospital when I was six and he gave me chocolate before my dad brought me ramen. Appa…

At first when Daesung sat my bowl in front of me, I just looked at it. He sat next to me and started eating his, so I followed suit. I didn’t want to eat, but I was hungry. I ate slowly and deliberately. I didn’t want to throw up because of eating too fast.

I didn’t know that date. I didn’t know how long it had been since the crash, or even since I’d come home from the hospital.

“What day is it?” I asked in a super raspy voice. I coughed and took a big drink of water. I really should’ve been taking care of myself.

“It’s the nineteenth,” Daesung replied quietly. I looked at him and smiled a little. He seemed to relax. “It’s nice to see you smile, pretty girl.” He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

My hair! It had been four days since… Since I’d last showered. Ugh. Or even brushed my teeth. My eyes widened. I let myself finish eating and then I stood up. Daesung stood up too.

“Are you okay?” he asked, stepping toward me. I let his hand find mine.

I nodded. “I need a bath.”