“How are you feeling, honey?” my dad asked, stepping closer to my mom’s bed, carrying me with him.

She smiled at us. I saw tears slide down into her ear. She was looking at me. “Hi, baby. Come lay with Eomma.” She patted the bed next to her. I clambered up beside her quickly and nestled myself against her side. Appa sat next to me, holding my Eomma’s hand.

“Eomma? I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been learning a lot in school, and Appa is working hard. The house is clean, too. I know you hate a messy house.” I looked up at her, longing for her approval.

She laughed and kissed my forehead. “I knew you’d be a good girl for me. You’ve always been a good girl. I’m going to convince your Appa to buy you a puppy for being so good. How does that sound?” She smiled at my little squeal of excitement.

Appa chuckled and shook his head, even though I knew he couldn’t say no to her. Not when she was like this. I was so happy that she was proud of me.

“Let me tell you something, baby. I want you to always be good for me, okay? Be good like you are now. And listen to your Appa.” Tears started flowing down all of our faces. I knew where this was going. This was goodbye. I nodded to her, promising to be good. “And smile all the time. You have the smile of an angel. You’re so beautiful, Soo Yun. We couldn’t have picked a better name for you. I’m so glad you’re Appa is Korean and fell for a silly American lady like me.” We both giggled. “I love you very much, Soo Yun. Don’t ever forget how much I have loved you.”

I sobbed three times. “Saranghae, Eomma. I love you. I’ll always love you.” I buried my face in her side and cried. I felt her shaking with sobs, too. I felt Appa lean over me and I knew he put his forehead to hers like they always did.

“I love you, Sarah. I don’t know how we’re going to make it without you.”

I’d never heard my dad’s voice sound so tight. It was as if somebody was curling their fingers around his throat and squeezing the life out of him. His words scared me and I cried harder.

I felt my Eomma laugh. “You’re going to be fine. I love you, Daejung. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved. Don’t forget that. Now, go home, you two. Go home and be happy, alright?”

I didn’t notice how labored her breathing was until that moment. I got even more scared. I clung to my Eomma. Appa tried to calm me and started to pull me away, but I screamed. I screamed and kicked and flailed until I was drug out of her room and into the car. Then I knew it was over. I sat in the car and cried. I cried all the way home, not listening to a word my father said to me. I cried when he carried me inside. I cried when he laid me down in his and my Eomma’s bed with him. I cried when he cried himself to sleep. I cried through the night. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t cry after that, at least for several years.