My chest hurt and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding, agonizingly hard and alarmingly fast. I sat up and tried to settle my hyperventilating. The room went spinning and my stomach churned. Tears were falling down my face and I couldn’t even comprehend the room around me. It was unfamiliar. My panic attack was getting worse. Where am I? Why am I having a panic attack? What’s happening? Where’s Appa? I started gasping, “Appa,” in between short, quick breaths. My brain was rolling like my stomach and my head was throbbing. I felt like my brain was going to explode all over the bed I was sitting in.

I felt somebody’s hand on my arm and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I whirled around and fell off the bed, smashing my skull into the floor. I groaned and rolled over.

“Soo Yun ah! Are you okay? I’m so sorry. Are you hurt? How do you feel?” TOP’s voice was frantic but quiet, which I was grateful for.

I groaned again, trying to say I needed to go to the bathroom but not getting anything out. TOP understood, regardless, because he picked me up and took me into the bathroom. He put me down on the tile in front of the toilet and pulled my hair back with one hand while the other rubbed my back. My head throbbed again and when it did, everything in my stomach from the previous day came back with a vengeance.

It felt like I heaved for hours, and I cried the whole time. TOP stayed with me throughout, never letting go of my hair or moving his hand from my back. Nobody had ever stayed with me while I was sick. Even Appa couldn’t stay with me when I got sick this way, or even when Eomma was sick. The thought of them only made me cry harder. Why did my heart hurt so?

I finally sank back against TOP and he put his arms around me. He gently swayed back and forth and I felt lucky that I’d already thrown up or that would’ve made it happen. I tried to keep my face away from his so he wouldn’t smell my awful breath.

“Are you okay?” he whispered in my ear. I shook my head.

I was getting frustrated. “I don’t remember what happened,” I said in an awful, raspy voice. I made a face at the sound of it.

“Let me get you some water and crackers.” He carried me back into his bedroom and laid me gently on his bed and disappeared from the room. My heart sank. It was that bad. So bad, even one of my best friends wouldn’t talk about it.

I heard whispering outside, then TOP hissed “No!” before Seungri and Jiyong poked their heads in the door. They smiled at me, but they both looked hesitant. I was getting more and more anxious. No wonder I’d had a panic attack this morning.

TOP came in, leaving the other two in the doorway. I looked at TOP, but he wouldn’t look at me. He handed me a glass and a couple of pills. I took them without even asking what they were. I didn’t care. As long as they’d make me feel better or knock me out. He shot the two in the doorway a glare as he handed me the crackers he’d brought for me. Why did they have crackers?

“How are you feeling, Soo Yun ah?” Jiyong asked pleasantly.

“We got those crackers for you. We heard that they’re good for when you have a hangover. I hope they help,” Seungri said in a very similar tone.

I looked at TOP. My stomach hurt, but not from a hangover. “What happened?” I squeaked. I felt tears in my eyes. They all exchanged helpless looks. I closed my eyes, making the hot tears spill down my cheeks. Then I realized why I hadn’t closed my eyes since I woke up early—all I saw when them kissing.

I felt like throwing up again as all of the previous night came flooding back to my memory. Daesung kissing Minzy, TOP taking care of me, drinking, almost kissing TOP, breaking up with Daesung…

Daesung. I didn’t realize I’d said his name out loud until the boys in the room looked at me. I chugged the glass of water TOP had gotten for me. The water in the glass was shaking before it was gone. What am I going to do?

Jiyong swallowed hard. “We can’t find him and we can’t get him on the phone. He left last night after… after you passed out,” he explained slowly. “Youngbae is out with some of the others trying to find him. I’m sorry, Soo Yun ah.” He looked me in the eyes, unlike anybody else would do now or the night before. I nodded and sank back into the pillows, wishing I could disappear.

TOP cleared his throat. “Yah, give her some privacy.” He shooed the other boys out into the hall and looked back at me. He was going to leave too. I started hyperventilating and stood up to stop him. I stumbled and fell in front of the door, but he caught me and hugged me. “You don’t ever have to look at me like that. That look on your face just tears me apart.” He clutched me tightly.

I couldn’t control my breathing. I started crying. Oh, how my heart hurt. I cried hard with loud sobs. I cried the nasty, awful, snot crying that girls do in real life, but not in the movies. I buried my face in TOP’s chest and sobbed until I felt like I was going to collapse from exhaustion, and cried some more. He sat in the floor, holding me in his lap, not saying a word. I felt awful crying like this in front of him, but it was a pain like I’d never felt.

“Seunghyun ah,” I sobbed quietly after a while.

“I know. I know,” was all he whispered back to me.

I thought about when Daesung first confessed to me and kissed me. I thought about the first time we made love. I thought about the amazing birthday gift he’d given to me. It seemed like things were just beginning between us and now… It wasn’t like I could ask him to forget her. I wouldn’t, anyway. But they’d known each other so long, they were all friends, they worked together. How was it ever going to get easier if they wouldn’t be apart?

“Soo Yun ah,” Youngbae’s soft voice called. I wiped my face quickly and looked up at him. He looked really uncomfortable, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “You have a visitor.” That was it. That was all he said before he walked out.

TOP helped me get up. He straightened my clothes and my hair for me. It was a simple gesture, but it was sweet. My heart throbbed hard and hurt at the same time. He followed me out into the living room and I froze when I saw her.

She was small, short and thin. Her hair was short and choppy and black. She had an absolutely adorable face. She was dressed in jeans and a rather flattering blouse. I felt like throwing up again.

“Soo Yun,” Minzy said quietly. I really didn’t know exactly what emotion to feel. Defensive, standoffish, sad, jealous. I’m sure just shock was on my face. She slowly walked towards me and took one of my hands. A tear fell down her face. She sniffled. “I want to tell you that I’m very sorry for what happened. Daesung came to me last night and explained everything to me and I couldn’t feel more guilty. If I had known about you and Dae…” She took a deep breath, looking down. “I still probably would’ve done it, if I’m going to be honest with you. I know we’ll never be friends, and I wish that wasn’t the case because Dae told me how amazing you are. Anyway. I really am sorry. If you are going to try to work things out, I’ll definitely back off. I had no idea the two of you were so close. I hope you can work things about because you make him so happy and he was just a wreck last night about you. I didn’t know what to think when he told me last night. I was shocked and hurt and confused and after a minute I thought… What should she think? How would she feel? How would I feel if someone was kissing my boyfriend? I know I shouldn’t be here and I have no right to ask for you forgiveness and I’m not expecting it but… I am sorry. So sorry.” She hugged me abruptly and walked slowly to the front door, paused, opened it, and left. I stared at the door for a long time after she’d walked out of it. My mind was just a mess. Daesung, TOP, Minzy, the kiss, the , the breaking up, the fact that Daesung had gone to her last night. Did I want to try again? Did he want to? What about TOP? What about Daesung kissing Minzy? Could I trust him? I kept trying to convince myself that it was just a kiss and that it didn’t matter, but it did. It mattered so much. Could I trust her? Daesung could’ve asked her to say all that, try to smooth things over. But Daesung didn’t seem like the kind of guy that would do that. He also didn’t seem like the kind of guy that would kiss another girl while being with me. How long would it take, if I could trust him again? Is it worth it? Would he be willing to wait and be patient, earn my trust back? Where was he?

I made a noise and my legs started to wobble. TOP caught me and sat me on the couch before I could fall and hurt myself. My head was starting to hurt. TOP was saying something to me but I didn’t hear it. I was staring not at his face, but through it. I couldn’t focus on him. I saw him look up though. I saw him stiffen and stand. He walked away. My eyes followed. My heart sank. I looked over to where he had been looking and saw Daesung, looking at me with sad eyes. My breath hitched. I couldn’t do this right now. I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted to hear right now, if I ever could. But not right now.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed. He walked over to where I was sitting. He took my chin in one of his hands and pressed his lips softly against mine. I watched a tear fall down his cheek before he walked away.

I felt as if I was going to be torn apart into a billion pieces. My chest started heaving. I needed to run. I didn’t put shoes on. I ran out the door and outside. I turned and started running down the street. I didn’t see the people I was passing. I didn’t see the stores I was missing. I didn’t see the questioning faces as many watched me. I didn’t really even notice that tears were flowing in a constant stream down my face. I didn’t care about any of these things. I just ran until I felt like a white hot piece of metal was pressing into my lungs. I let myself fall to the sidewalk and tried to catch my breath. I looked down at my feet and sighed; they were cut up and bleeding quite badly. I was just starting to feel the stinging in the cuts. My head fell back and I took a few deep breaths. I looked around and realized I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t remember any of the turns I made or what streets I’d passed and crossed. My feet were starting to throb and I was starting to panic.

“Are you okay?”