April 16, 2013, exactly 3 years of being diagnosed with lung cancer. I have been deprived of happiness since then. Staring blankly at the ceiling while lying on my comfy bed, I thought, will there be a life for me to live today? Or will it be just another boring day? Surprisingly, I’m still alive! Thanks to my oxygen tank and my loving –or should I say annoying?- family. 

“Vicky! Sweetie, you better get up now! We’re running late for your check up!” Mom shouted.

Annoyed, I covered my face with my fluffy pillow. Mom kept on calling me outside. Continuously knocking at my door. I pressed the pillow hard against my face until I had a hard time breathing. And so I let go. I started to catch up my breath as my mom entered my room.

“What’s the matter, sweetie?” asked my mom panicky.

“Nothing Mom, I just had a bad dream.” I answered. Lying. Of course, I wouldn’t want my mom to be so worried about a friggin’ mistake of putting my pillow against my face.

“Mom, can I not go to the hospital today? I’m really feeling well. And-” my mom cut me off and said “you are going, Victoria. You are going.”

“Ugh! Mom, didn’t I tell you that-” I didn’t continue what I’m saying when I saw my mom’s eyes teary again. “Oh, mom.”

“Just get yourself ready now, okay?” She kissed me on my forehead and left.

I hate the idea of my parents spending too much money on a dying person like me. I know that they love me. But I’m dying. And death is inevitable. They are just prolonging the agony. The agony of knowing you’ll lose the one you love anytime soon.

I opened my curtains and felt the morning sunlight pass through my room. “It’s another morning” I whispered. I saw a bunch of students passing by our gate and stopping. They stared at our house for a while. I guess, they were too amazed on how big our house is. Or maybe the luxurious cars my dad had been collecting. Is it the garden my mom had always kept alive? I don’t know. I don’t know what it feels like to live like these students.

I remember one time, when I was still schooling, (by the way I’m diagnosed with this cancer when I was 20 so yeah, I’m turning 23 in a few months) I really wanted to experience riding a bike to school or maybe walking. Everyone would turn their heads when my private car pass by. It’s pretty cool to think that I had all that I wanted, car, money, latest gadgets and everything. It’s not like I have to work hard to earn such privilege. My schoolmates would always tell me “we wish we were rich like you!” or something like “damn, Victoria! What else could you possibly ask for?!” and I’m like, freedom. Freedom for myself. I just want to be a normal schoolgirl. Which, of course, I never had.

Then here comes my cancer, everyone who told me that they wish they were like me, changed their minds. Who would want my situation, right? Who would wish that they had a dreadful disease? Who wants to die early?

After an hour of fixing everything in my room and getting ready for my check up, we left the house. We reached the hospital in no time. Time to meet my doctor again!

We entered Doctor Chen’s room (my doctor since I was diagnosed).

“Hi, Victoria! How are you feeling?” He greeted as we take a seat.

“Hello, I’m feeling good.” I said and gave him a fake smile.

He brought out some papers again, probably the results of my tests, and placed it in front of us. “Mrs. Song I regret to inform you that at this point-”

I interrupted “I’m dying?”

“No, you are just not a rightful candidate for chemotherapy.” He answered looking at the papers, finding something. And finally gave it to my mom.

“Doc, how else can we save my daughter? I’m willing to pay any amount.” My mom pleaded.

“I’m afraid there might be no other option but to undergo the said operation.” Doctor Chen responded.

“Screw it! It’s too expensive for 30% chance of recovery! Why don’t you just tell my mom that’s there’s no cure and we’re wasting our money-”

“VICTORIA!” My mother shouted.

“I’m dying!” I shouted back.

“Look, if we pursue the chemo, it might not be healthy and your body cannot possibly take its side effects. But don’t lose hope, Victoria. We can try this new invention. It’s called the Phalanxiforium. It can minimize the tumor in your lungs.” Doctor Chen suggested.

I shrugged in annoyance. They are just wasting time! Seriously.

“Try everything, experiment on my body. That sounds great!” I said sarcastically making them both shut up.

We left the hospital. My mom opened up the topic of that Pha –I forgot- thing. I never want to listen. She keeps on talking and I’m not listening until she said.

“You know what, Vicky.” She sighed “I’m really tired. But I can’t let you die without doing the best that I can! You hear me?”

I did not answer. For some reasons, I do get that point of hers. But I wanted a life outside of my comfort zone.

“Talk to me, sweetie. I want to know what you want to do with your life. I love you, Vicky.” Mom said.

“I just want to live normally, mom. I want to forget the fact that I have cancer. Do you get me?” I asked, even if I knew the answer.

“Vicky, you know I can’t.” Mom answered briefly.

“Yeah. I know. Of course. You can’t.” You can’t make me happy, I thought.

“Do you want me to bring you to a tour? Or maybe let’s bond? I don’t want you feeling that I’m hindering you the normal things.” Mom suggested.

Seriously, what I want to do is to be out alone. And accomplish my bucket list before my heart stops beating. I wrote a bucket list back when I was in college. I said to myself that I will accomplish each when I have my own money. But of course, how can I work with this condition? I still tried my luck and answered my mother.

“I want to go to Italy.”

“Sure, I’ll book our trip as early as next week, is that okay?”

“No, alone.”

“What?”

“I want to go there alone.”

My mom shook her head slightly and sighed. “Sweetie, you can’t travel alone.”

“And you’re asking me what I want?”

“Because it’s like you’re saying you want to die there alone.”

“Admitting finally that I am dying.”

“No, I… I-I”

We finally reached the house. I went down and carried my oxygen tank. I hurried to my room. I was feeling mad and depressed and everything! Actually, I don’t know what I’m feeling. I can’t understand myself. I thought I had lung cancer? It seems like I’m having brain cancer instead. Have I gone crazy now? I don’t know. I don’t even want to know all the myself has.

The next morning I woke up, my siblings (by the way I have 2 younger siblings 2yrs ) asked me to go shopping. I told them I was tired and not feeling well. I really want them to get used to it. Get used to NOT-HAVING-AN-OLDER-SISTER. I tried calling my high school best friend, Amber. I just want somebody to talk to. I called her until it went to voicemail.

“Uh… A-Amber, if you have time, can we talk?” I said and hung up.

After a few minutes my phone rang, it’s Amber! I immediately answered it.

“Hey! Vicky! How’s it going? I’m sorry I just showered” She said.

“It’s okay! I’m doing fine. How about you? I really wanna do something ridiculous.”

“Like what?”

“Like going to Italy by myself in this condition?” I answered unsure.

Amber laughed “that’s insane, Vic! But never impossible.”

“What do you mean?” I asked wondering what she really meant by that.

“Well, you can always sneak out you know. Run away! I’m sure you don’t have any problem with money, only your health. I mean, I’m not really-” I cut her off.

“I get it Ambs! I really love you! Thank you! Byeeee!” I hung up and packed my stuffs.

YES! I’M GOING TO ITALY AND FULFILL MY BUCKET LIST THERE! I prepared the bunch of meds I’m taking. My oxygen tank. Everything. Like I’m not coming back. This must be successful.

In the middle of the night I rushed over the airport using one of dad’s car. I left a message on their desk saying:

“I’m flying to Italy, I’ll be using my credit cards and savings account. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Please don’t follow me there or else… you’ll never see me again. P.S: I took the black BMW with me, just get it at the airport.”

I should threaten them a bit. I giggled while I thought of it.

This is the most insane thing I’ve ever done in my entire life!

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Author's Note:

Guys! it's Me! haha! How did you find the first ever chapter of "The Bucket List" ? comment your suggestions and insights! i'd love to hear it from you! oh and btw, the POV is 1st person. VICTORIA. :) as you can all notice.

PS: the term "Phalanxifor" is used in the book The Fault In Our Stars so i used "Phalanxiforium" i added some letters (is this considered plagiarism?) NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED. i used it because i cant invent a good-sounding word. :P