She looked down.

A hundred metres of air. A hundred metres of nothing. A hundred metres to fall.

The water was deceptively calm. The waves on the surface looked soft and welcoming. It called to her. Offered to embrace her with open arms. All lies.

She took a breathe. Then another. Then a third.

The air was thin. Insufficient. Much like her courage.

She looked back. No sympathy. No pity. No regret.

His eyes were filled with fear. Not for her, but for his own safety. He couldn’t understand her. Never had, never would.

She took a step. Closer to the edge. Closer to freedom.

Humans weren’t designed to fly. They were designed to walk. To run. To fight. To flee.

To fall.

* * *

“It’s too dangerous Taeyeon. I cannot and will not allow this.”

“I want to.”

“No.”

“You won’t stop me.”

“Watch me.”

“No. You watch me.“

* * *

Another step forward. Another memory to confront.

* * *

Why did the cameras follow her?

Why couldn’t she be alone?

Just for this moment. Just so she could find the strength to face that future rushing towards her ever so relentlessly.

She sighed.

It couldn’t be helped and it had to be done.

Her cold hands cupped her own frozen lips as she turned away to face outwards the river. The cameras tracked her every move. Ironic how the most intrusive stalkers lay in plain sight, and were paid fortunes to do so. Were applauded for doing so and it was them she forced herself to smile for.

“I can do it!”

Once. Twice. Thrice.

She could have yelled some more but it wasn’t the same knowing that with only these few people and a camera observing her, the entire population of Korea could know exactly what she was doing.

A soul for the spotlight. She had only had one life, and she had chosen this.

* * *

Should she run? Should she just stand there and jump? Should she leave her eyes open on the way down? Should she shut them tightly and just let herself fall?

He called her name. She looked back, one last time. His arms waved around striking odd poses and shouting words that fell on deaf ears.

No. She would jump and the rest she’d figure out on the way down.

* * *

Internally she groaned as she heard the next demo. The tune was all too cutesy and she just knew what the dance would look like. They’d dress up in bright shades of pink or yellow and prance around the stage like prepubescent school girls. They’d waggle their butts, wink and blow kisses.

She just wanted to sing something that had meaning. That told a story. That would stop hearts.

What was “Gee, gee, gee, gee, baby, baby” supposed to mean? And what was this nonsense about pretty hearts, sweet aromas and blinded eyes. It was so cute and fluffy she felt like vomiting.

Time to take a stand. Time to speak her mind. She turned to the others expecting similar looks of disgust on their faces.

“This is awesome!”

“So catchy!”

Crap.

* * *

They asked if she was ready and she almost snorted. The cameras watched her and through them, the world could watch her if they so chose to.

Did she have choice but to be ready to lead when she was 19? Did she have a choice to accept an award for a song she didn’t even like?

She supposed she should be thankful for fame, success and fortune that had been bestowed on her but sometimes, just sometimes she wished she could fade into a crowd like anyone else. That she accidentally knock someone as she walked pass them and they would give her a scolding glance. That in the searing summer months, she could walk outdoors without the burdening weight of her hooded jacket and her own popularity weighing her every step. Without the need for her own shadow to conceal her face.

But this, she would do for herself.

5

4

3

2

1

Leap.

She was flying and in the first time in so very long, there was freedom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWjToqKxjcA

Kim Taeyeon you brave, courageous soul.