She deserves someone better.

Someone who will take care of her whenever she’s sick.

Someone who will take her out on dates that I didn’t do.

Someone who will give her the attention she wants.

Someone who will buy her the things she likes.

Someone who will cook with her or for her when she’s incapable to do so.

Someone who will not let her cry in agony.

Someone who will sing her to sleep.

Someone who will willingly lend his arm as her pillow.

Someone who will cuddle with her.

Someone who will hold her like she’s the frailest being on earth.

Someone who will attentively listen to her every word.

Someone who will not ignore her calls, her cries.

Someone who will treat her like she’s the world.

Someone who will laugh with her.

Someone who will not break his promises.

Someone who will not take her for granted.

Someone who will treat her with love, with care, with warmth.

Someone who will do anything and everything for her.

Someone who will love her more than I love her.

All I can do is give her discomfort and heartaches, make her cry until her eyes are swollen, have her scream out in frustration, cause her to crumble down onto the floor wailing in a pool of her tears. All the times that I neglected her feelings and didn’t shower her with my warmth and affection has led her to walk out that door. The door of no return. It’s too late now. She has slipped from my grip – she is no longer mine.

She sacrificed so much for me; it’s only now, after our break up, that I’ve come to realize how stupid I was back then. She would cook breakfast for me every morning – a cup of fresh, brewed coffee, and western breakfast. She told me I was too thin and needed to fatten up a little because that’s how she likes her man – not too skinny, not too fat, and when he wears a tight shirt, his muscles catches her eye.

She would make lunch for me and specially deliver it to me through public transportation, joining the horde of erted older men on a cramped up bus during the busiest hour of the day. She said it was tiring but very much worth it – personally sending a lunch bento to the person she truly loves. She would bring me my favourite Jasmine tea in a thermo and massage my shoulders when I tell her work exhausts me. She would always tell me, “Don’t overwork yourself, honey. As much as work is important, you need to take care of your health. I love you,” before leaving the building.

She would stay up late on the couch, fallen into deep slumber, just to wait for me to come home after work. I knew she was tired as was I. When she awakes, she would put me before her every time. “You’re back,” she would smile up at me, “are you hungry? Do you want something to eat or drink?” With a pout on her face, she would attend to me first with her disarrayed appearance. I always found her with her hair sprawling out in different directions adorable. Work always ended early for me. I could have chosen to go back to the place where I belonged – home with her in it. But I didn’t. I never felt the urge to head home straight from work. “She won’t mind,” was what I convinced myself every night.

She would repeat these procedures every day – make breakfast, deliver lunch, relaxation time for her own self, and lastly, sleep on the sofa until I arrive home.

She would tell me those three words I now long to hear.

All the important dates that I missed out on, she remembered them by heart. We would have dates planned and they made her gleeful. But I played the bad guy in every love story – I bailed out on her. She was being sincere, always showering me with surprises and yet I did nothing for her. I would tell her make-belief excuses and she believed every single one of them. She never doubted me. She was selfless on her part of our relationship. She sacrificed too much for us – to keep us strong, together and forever.

I don’t deserve her. I’m careless, absent-minded, selfish, a complete contrast of her. I’m the insensible jerk, the definition of the worst boyfriend. I’m the bad guy in this relationship, the one who wore the pants. I took her for granted and mistreated her; it’s too late to take everything back.

She deserves someone better than me.

She deserves someone who will love her more than I love her.

She deserves someone who is not me, Jung Daehyun.