“Why are you here?”

            Andy shifted uncomfortably in his seat, asking himself the same question. The terrible truth he had been harboring within seemed to have infected his sanity over time. In all honesty, he was not ready to confess the ugly scars he had been hiding under his innocent exterior.

            “Andy, look at me.”

            At his command, Andy obliged almost immediately, his body responding so obediently to the voice he heard so clearly even in his dreams. The love of his life, the man who had been possessing his heart since his teenage years, stared at him so intently that Andy was afraid his toxic soul would be exposed.

            “I can’t,” Andy murmured, looking away.

            At that, Junjin grabbed the younger’s face and turned it towards him, catching Andy by surprise. “You came to my apartment at the dead of night because you have something to tell me. You said you have a confession to make. So go on.”

            “Y-Yes.” Andy tried to free himself, but Junjin tightened his hold on him.

            “Then look me in the eyes.”

            Andy trembled against his will. “I know about you and Hyesungie hyung,” he spluttered out instead.

            At that, Junjin dropped his hand in surprise. “W-What do you mean?”

            “About your relationship,” Andy answered, dropping his gaze to the ground.

            “I don’t know what you mean.”

            “How you two used to experiment with one another since years ago!” Andy shouted, unable to bear it anymore. How dare this man try to deny it!

            Jinnie crossed his arms, his expression slightly annoyed. “So?” he spat.

            “How could you two?! That’s just… sick.”

            Andy regretted his words instantly when he saw the hurt on the other’s face. “Sick? Is that what you think of us?”

            Us. Junjin and Hyesung had always been an us. Even when times were tough, even when they were forced into selling their bodies, they had survived together. Andy had never been part of an us with Junjin. With his self-consciousness, he had only watched him from afar, scared and awkward. Andy didn’t have the right to say that he loved him. He had never been there for him the way Hyesungie hyung had.

            “No,” Andy claimed and he meant it. What Junjin and Hyesung had done behind closed doors didn’t sicken him; it made him sad. It made him jealous. It made him ache.

            “Then what’s the problem?” Junjin asked, his tone on the verge of aggressive now. Andy could see his patience was wearing thin. “I don’t think it should concern you anyway.”

            His words were like a sharp knife piercing through his heart. Stubborn tears were blurring his vision now to Andy’s terror. He couldn’t cry now. He would rather die than be seen as the maknae, the little kid who always cried in the presence of his elders.

            Park Choongjae would not catch him being a small child. No, please God, not him.

            “It does concern me,” Andy whimpered, attempting to compose himself.

            “How?” Park Choongjae shot back, his arms still crossed, infuriation grabbing a hold of him.

            “B-Because…”

            “Because what? Spit it out, Andy!”

            “Because I love you!” Andy cried out in frustration. Suddenly, he was filled with terror. He had not meant to confess in such a way. He wanted to disappear, seeing the horror in the other’s face.

            “You… what?”

            There was no turning back now. “I love you. I loved you for a while now, a while too long. And I hate it. I hate that I feel this way about you.” The tears were pouring now and Andy had lost control over himself. He was at his lover’s mercy now. As he always had been. “I hate that I can’t move on from you. And I hate that I’m a coward, that I didn’t have the courage to tell you this until now.”

            “Andy yah…” Warm fingers were wiping away the tears from his face. “Hey, please don’t cry.”

            “I’m not crying,” Andy mumbled. It was probably the stupidest lie he had ever told.

            “Look at me.”

            Finally, Andy turned to him, brown meeting brown, their gazes bound together by infinite time. Despite the situation, Andy felt his foolish heart flutter. The man in front of him was so handsome, his hues flawless and seemingly endless. Once you fell for this man, there simply was no escape.

            At first, it didn’t register to Andy that the lips he worshipped were touching his. He had not even closed his bloodshot eyes, too surprised to move. Then it occurred to him that they were kissing, at first so innocently, then quickly fastening the pace into an irrepressible fire. Andy’s tongue tasted salt and a hint of tobacco as he breathed in the scent of the other’s aftershave. Park Choongjae’s hands were traveling down his back now, sending shivers along his spine. Their bodies were tangled in a hot mess and Andy forced the other to draw even closer, feeling more powerful than he had in decades.

            If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

            However, the bliss did not last. Something this good, this marvelous, was doomed to end too soon. Doubt filled Andy’s chest: Did this man even love him back? What was the meaning behind their kiss? Did it mean the same for both of them?

            And… what if his love was reciprocated? What then?

            Andy stiffened and pushed the other back. Junjin stopped abruptly, sensing something had gone sour. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his face twisted in confusion.

            “Do you… love me?” Andy asked hesitantly.

            The other did not answer.

            Of course, there was no way someone like Park Choongjae could possibly love him. This was probably a joke to him. He was just fooling around.

            “I’m leaving,” Andy exclaimed, suddenly enraged.

            “Hey!” Junjin grabbed Andy’s wrist when he got up from his seat. “What if… What if I do?”

            “You do what?” Andy snapped.

            “W-What if I do love you back?” Junjin was stuttering now and Andy could tell he was getting nervous. “I mean, I don’t know, this is all too sudden. But what if I do? I never thought about it, but maybe with time—”

            “No,” Andy cut him off. “You don’t love me. And even if you did, there would be no future for us.”

            Without hesitation, Andy turned to leave. He felt his nails digging into his palm, a habit he had picked up during childhood.

            “Why did you come here then?!” Andy heard him yelling after him, his tone upset and resentful. “Why did you come here and tell me that you love me when you’re not even going to do anything about it?!”

            Andy left in silence solely because he had no answer.

            What was the matter with him? Andy broke down as soon as he closed the door of Junjin’s apartment. His lips seemed to burn, remembering the passionate touch of his lover. Andy must have been mad to leave like that. He had imagined the very moment countless of times, he had even dreamed about it. However, he was someone rooted in reality, enslaved not by his emotions or his heart, but by his rational head.

            His grieving was cut short by the buzzing of his cell phone. Even in his misery, he reached for his device, knowing it had to be an emergency for someone to contact him at this hour.

            It was Eric hyung: “Hyesung’s in the ER. Come now.”

            Andy’s eyes widened in panic. Something had gone terribly wrong. The accusing words he had uttered only hours ago came crashing back to him.

            “Why are you trying to shelter me?”

“I told our manager that I would contribute, too.”

            “Don’t play these games. Especially with the other members.”

            He remembered the disbelief on his hyung’s face, how he had blamed him and torn out his heart with his indictments. Now something had happened to his hyung and Andy had an appalling feeling that he had something to do with it.

            “You’re hurting them”

            How could he accuse Hyesung, his hyung who had always wanted the best for him and had done everything within his power to protect him? How could he, Andy, who knew that Hyesung was nothing but selfless and faultless, hurt him so?

            He wanted to get up so that he could rush to the hospital, but the weight of remorse kept him glued to the floor. What had he done? What kind of crime had he committed?

            How was anything going to be the same ever again?

***

            Eric snorted when he saw the reply. Shin Hyesung had the nerve to text that back to him over four hours late? It was too late now anyway and Eric was all ready for bed. There was no way in hell that he would get dressed again for his of a friend.

            Nope. Definitely not.

            Aish, he growled, annoyed by his stupid self that was already searching for his jeans. Why did Shin Hyesung have so much control over him? Even if it was for a drink, Eric was ready to fight through hell to get to his doorstep. How pathetic was he?

            Dammit, he continued to swear to himself as he put on his favorite black t-shirt. He even went by the mirror to make sure he looked presentable. As if he, Eric Mun, could ever be below par for appearances. Eric snorted again as he retrieved the best wine he owned. He was saving the bottle for a special occasion, maybe a date, but well, drinking with Shin Hyesung was always a special occasion.

            Ugh, maybe it was his pretty face. Eric always looked first at the face; he was very prone to judge a book by its cover. With sharp eyes of a stray cat, a tall nose and glistening lips of a goddess, Shin Hyesung’s small face was complete with features that were beyond perfect. His soft ebony hair that he never kept too short well curtained the exquisite view. But then again Shin Hyesung’s body was no joke; he was lean, well-proportioned, his limbs lengthy, and his thin frame even more striking than a youthful woman’s. Eric fancied Hyesung’s simple fashion sense, but of course, Eric enjoyed the spectacle of his pale bare skin the most. Perhaps it was the way the man ensnared his victims both ually and emotionally. Years of experience had made him invincible in the bedroom and Eric knew that after one had tasted the poison that was Shin Hyesung, there was simply no going back. There was none to rival his mesmerizing movements, the exciting flavor of his tongue, and, above all, his confident control over the bewitching dance under the sheets. Shin Hyesung never failed to make Eric’s head spin in absolute bliss – to a point where the thrill of the pleasure started to bring him immense pain.

            But maybe it was none of those things. In the end, it didn’t matter to Eric how Hyesung looked on the outside or how skilled he was in his particular arts. When he closed his eyes, Eric could recall the hurt behind those pools of dark brown. The scene still haunted Eric at night: how the man who always seemed so composed and callous broke in front of him like a doll made of glass. He had shattered into tiny transparent fragments of tears, an uncontainable ocean of despair rippling with regret and bitterness. His weeping had sounded nearly melodious in Eric’s ears and even Hyesung’s angelic singing could not replicate the intense fire his lamenting cries had willed inside Eric’s heart that fateful night.

            “Hyesung ah? Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

            “I’m sick, Eric… I’m sick…”

            “You’re sick? Where? Should I call an ambulance?”

            “No… No one can heal me… Not anymore…”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “I disgust myself. The things I’ve done. The things I’m doing now and the things I’ll do surely in the future. It makes me sick.”

            “Hyesung ah… You’re not alone. You know this. I’m here for you. So are the others.”

            “I know… I’m sorry, I know you’re always trying to protect me and cheer me up. I know I’m not the only one suffering. But I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

            “Hyesung ah, we’ll get through this. Together. This is a trial we have to pass to achieve our dreams. Then we’ll be free. I will personally make sure of that.”

            “Eric ah, you’re a good person. You’re a good leader. I trust you.”

            “Then trust that I’ll make things better. For all of us. I will make sure of it with my life. I can die for any six of us.”

            “Die…? That sounds… pleasant.”

            “… What?”

            “Death. That sounds so sweet.”

            “Hyesung ah… Don’t say such things…”

            “The longer I live, the more diseased I seem to become. I just want peace.”

            “I will bring you that peace, you understand me? Not death, but me.”

            “I don’t want you to hurt for my sake, Eric. That would break me even more.”

            “I’m tough, Hyesung ah. I’ll drag you out of this hell hole, I swear. So promise me that you won’t think about gaining peace through death. Please.”

            “… Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

            Sometimes, more often than not, Eric hated himself for allowing Hyesung to suffer in the past. He could have stopped it, he could have forced Hyesung to escape with him. They could have run away, abandoning their aspiration of becoming musicians and gaining fame. He had been so immature then, thinking their torture at that time would be worth it all in the long run. He had always believed firmly in the ideology of hard work, even in its own dark twisted way. The six of them were stars now, they were their own bosses, they were indeed free. However, they had only won on the shallow surface; the price that had to be paid had been much costlier than Eric could have ever imagined.

            Would he ever see Hyesung again?

            Not the one Eric was walking over to for a glass of wine. Not the cynical, emotionless man who only knew of his own cruelty. Not the unpleasant mask that grew uglier with every ounce of self-loathing.

            Not the imposter that pretended to be the sweet, fair Jung Pilkyo who had once trusted Eric with all his heart. Jung Pilkyo who had believed that he could fight against the entire world and still rise with hope. Jung Pilkyo who knew he could sing, who knew he was indeed beautiful, who knew that countless people fell in love with him for who he was without erse intentions.

            Jung Pilkyo who smiled boldly, knowing his vast worth could not be measured.

            Eric had arrived in front of his neighbor’s apartment door now, still clutching the expensive wine bottle against his side. With a heavy sigh, he rang the doorbell, certain that the Hyesung he missed so much from his rusting memories would not be the one to answer his call.

            The door remained closed until Eric became restless with impatience.

            “Hyesung ah?” Eric cried as he started to bang his fist against the entrance. Only then did he realize it was too late to be causing such a disturbance. Did Hyesung fall asleep? But Eric knew of his friend’s chronic insomnia and how it had developed for the worse these days.

            Debating whether or not to go back to his own home, Eric switched on his cellphone and dialed Hyesung’s number. He could faintly hear the ringtone echoing against the walls on the other side until the call transferred over to voice mail.

            Uneasiness creeping up now, Eric decided to try his luck with the passcode to the entry. Fortunately, Hyesung had not bothered to change it recently. For a second, Eric hesitated; Hyesung would surely give him hell if he entered without permission. Still, Eric knew he would rest better knowing everything was okay. And it was undeniable that he desired to see his face, even if it meant he got a beating for it.

            After entering the doorway, it took a moment for Eric’s eyes to adjust to the darkness. There was only a fading light coming from a room very far away, a chamber Eric was not too familiar with. Was it a closet? Eric was not too concerned about traveling the pitch black hallway to find out.

            Eric noticed the stench of alcohol clouding the whole apartment. Had Hyesung got to drinking without him? It was a possible explanation to his sudden absence. Eric reached the kitchen to put down his bottle of wine on the counter while his other hand fumbled for the light switch.

            Abrupt radiance scorched his retinas as the lights came on with a low buzz. Then he spotted it, the puddle of white pills spilled out on the floor. There was also a handle of whiskey, left unclosed, the culprit of the overpowering reek.

            Eric’s heart seemed to drop to his stomach.

            “Hyesung ah?” he hollered, fear overtaking him. “Shin Hyesung!”

            In a rush, he looked for him with anxiety choking his throat. He had an extremely bad feeling about this and, unfortunately, he was gifted with good sense and premonition.

            “Death. That sounds so sweet.”

            As soon as Eric found him, he was sure he was dead. There was no man, but just a limp body, deprived of all traces of life. His eyes were gently closed and his lips seemed to be curled in a mysterious smile, adorned by a pool of thick saliva that fell from his mouth to the floor. The scene reminded Eric of a dead animal he had found on the road on his way home that day and it sickened him to his stomach that his friend was in a similar state.

            “The longer I live, the more diseased I seem to become. I just want peace.”

            Had… this been on purpose? Eric could not think of another explanation. The prescription sleeping pills, the alcohol… What else could it mean? Even Hyesung who had been drastically stripped of all hope would not succumb to suicide. But did Eric really think that? Did he really think that he knew Hyesung enough to be sure that he had not been contemplating killing himself for the last few days, if not months or years?

            Was this… for the best?

            It disgusted Eric that the thought would cross his mind. However, Hyesung had been in so much pain. His best friend had been broken, spiritless, and miserable for so long. Perhaps he really did deserve the peace that only death could bring.

            “I will bring you that peace, you understand me? Not death, but me.”

            That was right. Eric had sworn that he would be the one to break Hyesung out of his desolation, not death. He loved Hyesung, he loved him more than anything else he had loved in his life. Even s called it an obsession, but they did not understand. The way he felt about Hyesung, the way he wanted to shelter and protect him, the way he could rip out his heart just to see him smile…

            If it wasn’t love, Eric didn’t know what was.

            “Shin Hyesung!” Eric shouted as he kneeled down to the body’s side. Swiftly, he placed his fingers on Hyesung’s wrist to see if there was a pulse. For a fraction of a second, Eric froze, afraid that he had indeed been too late.

            He had lost Shin Hyesung, the light of his life.

            Then he felt it, the tiny beat that tickled the tip of Eric’s index finger. He waited just a moment more because he wanted to make sure it hadn’t been his own imagination.

            To his relief, he felt it again, and his legs gave way, making him fall hard to the ground in glee. Shin Hyesung was still alive.

            He pulled out his phone and grazed the three digits that would send a speeding ambulance his way. His other hand brushed Hyesung’s soft hair out of his face and wiped the drool from his lips. God, he was so beautiful even as he stayed motionless, overdosed with drugs and his own self-detonating anguish.

            How could Eric forget what Shin Hyesung meant to him?

            “I will never give you up,” he swore under his breath, the other’s cheek that had long gone cold. His promise to Minwoo that he would let go of Hyesung was long forgotten as Eric stared at the unconscious man, mesmerized by his flawless glory. He bent down to kiss him on his forehead.

            “I will be the one to protect you. I will be the one to stay by your side,” Eric whispered in his ear, engraving his vow into his heart. “Even if it is Minwoo or Dongwan… If anyone gets in my way, I will destroy them.”

[A/N]: Heyyy, how about that, a quicker update than ever right? lol I actually started writing this chapter as soon as the other one finished. But I decided to move things around because it got too emotional for me (it hit too close to reality ><) so now this is the final product... Well, I didn't get to proof read it (so apologies about the bad writing and mistakes), but I was so excited to finish this chapter that I decided to update it asap~ I hope you like it! I'm going to give this one a short break as I update my other fics (Remembrance is actually almost done~ yay ^^). As always, please upvote and comment, it helps me immensely! Let me know what you think about this fic... This fic is really different from what I usually write, but it's the rawest form of my writing, too... As in, this is really coming from a dark place within myself, and it's really amazing to be able to share it with people through writing! Anywho, I really hope everyone is doing well~ Thanks for always supporting, love you <3