”I’m going to make you understand that you’re worth it all.”

            He didn’t know what that meant. Nor did he understand why those inconceivable words kept ringing inside his hollow chest, something deep and desperate within him trying to make sense of it all. In an impossible, sick, and twisted way, he wanted to believe in it.

            How could someone so filthy be worth anything?

            Yet this man in front of him, revolting scenes passing by in the reflection of his eye, dared to proclaim he could perform such an impractical task.

            ”I’m going to make you understand that you’re worth it all.”

            How are you going to do that, Dongwan?

            How in the world will anyone ever be able to do that?

            But, despite the chaos birthed from disbelief and doubt, Hyesung wanted to thank him. He half-smiled, perhaps a small mocking smirk, since he was more than amused by his friend’s insane confidence and courage. By the look of terror on Dongwan’s face as he stared blankly at the television screen, his certainty in Hyesung’s worth would be fleeting. Still, Hyesung had felt a tremor of temporary warmth in his heart, and that was more than anything he had felt in the last few decades.

            There were sounds, disturbing to say the least, accompanying the homemade film, but Hyesung had learned to zone them out after playing the tape countless times. Instead, he scrutinized the pain – the discomfort his actor friend was clearly trying to compose – with somewhat an ounce of regret. Was it too much? Had it been the wrong decision to let Dongwan open a closet he had locked away from him for so long?

            Would… Dongwan give up?

            Well, what had he expected anyway? Did he really think Dongwan was going to continue to pursue him? The unlabeled videotapes on the walls said it all; they defined what kind of creature Shin Hyesung was. In order to reach where he was now, he had stripped himself of all morality, all his pride and self-respect. Now, he was famous, but what kind of happiness did fame and money bring him?

            He was a broken vessel, waiting for sweet death to take him away.

            Wasn’t that why Eric and Minwoo were always worried about him? They knew too much, they knew he had given up the will so many years ago. They knew every laughter was forced, that every smile was unnatural. Yet, why was he so unhappy? He was finally free. They all were. Nobody was forcing him to do anything anymore. Nobody threatened him or blackmailed him in order to control him. No one held a hand over him, ready to strike, in case he refused a command.

            So why was he still in the same dark place, doing the same dark things?

            Eric, Minwoo, Jinnie, and even Andy… They had gone through hell with him and had gotten back on their feet. They had shed their past behind like a bed of undying snakes. So why couldn’t he do the same?

            He was weak. He was the weakest of them all.

            That had always been his excuse. When he questioned himself why Mr. Sohn had chosen him, he had told himself it was because he was the weakest, the easiest target. It was his punishment for being so feeble. He was pathetic and definitely the most expendable amongst the six.

            “You’re not. Shin Hyeusng’s not a bad person.”

            Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he wasn’t a bad person at all. But, in the end, did that matter when the person was so broken to prove that he was good after all?

            He was… so tired.

            So, so tired.

            He was so consumed in his thoughts that he did not even notice the film coming to an end. Peaceful silence etched between them, the grey screen flashing sporadically. He wondered what Dongwan would say next. Would he yell in disgust? Would he cry in sadness? Would he—

            Hyesung could not even bear to watch as his friend walked out of the room without a word. The sound of the door shutting behind him echoed so loudly inside his vacant shell. There it was, another end. Another one to fail his test.

            But why did it feel as though he had been the one to fail?

            He turned to his phone to check the time. It was well past midnight. Maybe that was why he was so tired? There was a message from Eric, the persistent guy he was:

            “How are you? Do you want to drink later?”

            Hyesung’s fingers texted back, “Sure.” Then he realized Eric’s message was more than four hours old. Eric was probably asleep by now. With a heavy sigh, he got up from his seat and left his secret room, not bothering to close the door behind him. As if instinctively, his legs carried him straight to the kitchen, where he opened his refrigerator for a handle of whiskey. He didn’t bother using a shot glass when he could drink directly from the bottle. The cool liquor burned his throat, and he almost gagged at the taste, but he kept drinking in hopes that its effects would kick in sooner.

            Dammit, he was so tired.

            Tired of his present constantly being shadowed by his past.

            Tired of himself, so ing weak.

            He just wanted to sleep.

            He went by the medicine cupboard and retrieved a bottle of Ambien he had kept to treat his intermittent insomnia. He had never abused the drug before, but never had he been so desperate for sleep either. With his vision blurred, he spilled a handful onto his palm, not bothering to count the pills, and loaded them in his mouth. Washing them down with whiskey was definitely a bad decision, as the alcohol seared not making the swallowing process much easier. Still, he was satisfied, knowing he did everything within his power to gain some sleep.

            His mind was already warping now, and it was extremely hard to focus. He stumbled, dropping his bottle of sleeping pills. Only then did he realize how terribly his hands were trembling. Trying to contain himself, he slowly made his way out of the kitchen, leaning against the wall for support. Before he could reach his bedroom, his legs failed him, and he fell to the cold wooden floor, his limp body barely registering the impact.

            It didn’t scare him that it was getting a bit difficult to breathe. He couldn’t tell if his heart was beating too quickly or too slowly. All he knew was that he was about to fall into a deep sleep and that was all he wanted.

            ”I’m going to make you understand that you’re worth it all.”

            Those words were a lie, but for some reason, Hyesung wanted them to be the last thing he remembered before he fell asleep. They offered a small sort of peace, a tranquility his life had long forgotten.

            “I wish I was worth it all,” he mumbled subconsciously, his eyes closed, his mind escaping. He knew he wasn’t worth anything. He knew and he knew, yet the desire to be worth something was so captivating that it brought him a sliver of bliss. Even as his body failed him and darkness engulfed him, he held on to that ridiculous hope with his dear life so that when he finally fell into the bottomless slumber he so thirsted after, he was able to embrace it with a small smile.

***

            Dongwan was angry. He was enraged. He was upset, furious, outraged, and every other word in the English vocabulary that meant the same.

            He was ing pissed.

            “Hello? Dongwan ah?”

            He nearly saw red when he heard his target’s voice.

            “We need to talk. Now,” he nearly snarled into his phone.

            “W-What? It’s so late—”

            “I don’t give a . We need to talk now. Or I might actually murder someone. Most likely you.”

            “Hey, what’s going on? What’s this about?”

            “It’s about Jung Pilkyo, you ing back-stabbing, two-faced bastard!” Dongwan was yelling now.

            The other line went silent for a moment. “Where do you want to meet?”

            “I’m in front of your apartment. Just open the door.” It wasn’t a request.

            “Okay. I’ll see you—”

            Dongwan hung up the phone before the other got a chance to finish. He took the elevator up, his hands balled up into fists and his entire frame shaking with rage. If the door wasn’t opened by the time he reached it, he was going to punch the living daylight out of—

            “Hi, intruder,” his victim greeted him playfully with a grin.

            Dongwan glowered at him. “You. ing. Traitor.”

            “Come in, will you? You’ll wake the neighbors,” he replied calmly.

            A part of him wanted to attack his so-called friend, but Dongwan followed in obediently instead. They entered the living room where the house owner picked up a bottle of wine from the table and poured it into an already used glass.

            “I don’t want any,” Dongwan refused when the other offered him another glass. Hell no, he was not going to take anything from this back-stabbing man.

            The two sat across from each other on the sofa as they often did when they had been careless friends. But days of trust were behind them.

            “So you saw the video tape.”

            Perhaps a part of Dongwan had still hoped that there had been some kind of mistake, that the film he had just seen at Hyesung’s apartment had been fabricated. But that small particle of hope evaporated as soon as he heard the other’s words.

            “I trusted you, Minwoo.”

            And Dongwan meant it. Minwoo had been the only one by his side, the only who had been supportive of this whole ordeal. Even more than that, Minwoo had been his best friend for so many years, Minwoo had been a brother, his reliable stronghold.

            Dongwan had never known the foundation of their friendship could crumble like this.

            “I know,” Minwoo told him, his aging eyes sad with regret. “I know you did, Dongwan. But what’s done is done.”

            “What’s done is done?” Dongwan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Minwoo, whom Dongwan had always admired and adored, was a complete traitor – and on top of that, a ing coward. “That’s all you can say after years of lying to my face?”

            “What do you want me to say? I never lied to you, I just didn’t tell you. I didn’t think what I had with Hyesung back then was anyone else’s business, including yours.”

            “You said Hyesung was marked by Eric,” Dongwan was fuming now. “You lied and used Eric to cover for yourself!”

            “I wasn’t lying,” Minwoo stated in defense. “Eric loved Hyesung since the beginning. I only knew because I had my eyes on him as well.”

            “I can’t believe you!” Dongwan shouted in absolute disgust. “You really had me fooled. I actually believed that you were my friend!”

            “Hey, hey!” Minwoo jumped back in shock. “What happened between me and Hyesung has nothing to do with you! I never faked a moment of being your friend.”

            “You… You lied to me, Minwoo,” Dongwan muttered weakly, too upset to raise his voice now.

            “I told you, I never lied to you. I just… omitted things.”

            Dongwan rolled his eyes. “That’s the same thing.”

            “Look,” Minwoo sighed and rubbed his temples. “I can apologize to you and beg on my knees, but that won’t make you forgive me. I know you, Dongwan.”

            “And apparently, I know nothing about you!” Dongwan cried, throwing his hands in the air in dismay.

            “Ask me anything. I promise I’ll tell the truth. Anything.”

            At that, Dongwan took a deep breath to calm himself. He was still so angry, but he had questions that needed to be answered.

            “When did you two—” Dongwan started, then couldn’t finish without getting upset again.

            Minwoo nodded, understanding. “I… I pursued Hyesung since the beginning. I took my chance because I knew Eric was too cautious to be forward with him. And you… well, you told me you weren’t interested in Hyesung.”

            Dongwan snorted and Minwoo waved his action aside.

            “Well, Hyesung obviously rejected me,” Minwoo continued, “so I played cool about it. I didn’t want him to be scared. I was the first guy to ask him out anyway. Hyesung was kind enough to let it slide when I pretended to move on, but I grew more infatuated with him. I think I liked that coy side to him, the way he was so hard to get—”

            “I don’t need details, Minwoo. I just want simple facts,” Dongwan cut in, disturbed by the story.

            “You’re the one who was so insistent on knowing everything,” Minwoo teased which was answered by Dongwan’s glare. “So we started dating after everything started. I mean, we didn’t technically ‘date’. Nobody proposed or anything. It just… happened.

            “I don’t know how much Hyesung told you about what happened back then. Eric, Hyesung, and I… We were the first to be called. Our manager said that it was something every trainee had to do. A small chore in order to become a celebrity. He gave us clients, all of them rich women at first. It wasn’t too bad. The ladies just wanted some company with younger handsome men. They would ask me to sing and dance for them while they sipped on their glasses of wine. Some of them were a bit worse. They enjoyed… a particular genre of to say the least. Hyesung had it the worst from the start. I think it was always that way. The rule was to not mark our faces. Eric and I were usually fine, but Hyesung would come home with occasional burn marks and slashes on his torso, legs, arms — well anywhere other than his face. He tried to act nonchalant about it, but Eric and I were always wary of him. But he hated that kind of attention, that stupid bastard still hates being protected when we just want the best for him.

            “Anyway, there was a special client, Mr. Sohn.” Dongwan’s ears perked up when he heard the name. He could definitely recall hearing the name during the viewing of the video tape. “He was a special kind of nightmare. We were used to pleasing male clients from time-to-time at that point, but Mr. Sohn… he was a disaster. And he only wanted Hyesung. Hyesung never talked about what the monster did to him, but the look in his eyes… and the scars all over his body said more than enough. He broke Hyesung, not just his physical body, but his mental and emotional spirit.

            “Well, remember that one time during our first album when Hyesung couldn’t perform with us because he was hospitalized?” Minwoo asked. It didn’t take long for Dongwan to remember since Shin Hyesung simply never missed a performance if he could help it. “That was because of Mr. Sohn.”

            Dongwan suddenly felt the need to hurl. Minwoo continued on, unaffected. “Our manager hyung was furious, but Mr. Sohn had so much money so it was like nothing ever happened. Eric and I were planning to run away or do something, but it was Jinnie who snapped. He marched straight into SM and tried to tear the place apart.”

            “Oh, .” A stagnant memory came flooding back to Dongwan. “Is that why—”

            “Yeah, the managers beat him to a pulp. They told you and Andy that it was because he tried to sneak into a night club, but that was made up. They had to cancel our schedule that whole week because of that fiasco. They called me and Eric in, too, and beat us for not managing our dongseng well. I remember Jinnie cried for days. But nobody was hurt more than Hyesung. He was reprimanded for Jinnie’s behavior as soon as he was released from the hospital. It hurt him deeply, not because of anything else, but because he knew he couldn’t talk to Jinnie about his clients anymore in case Jinnie acted out again.

            “That was when Hyesung came to me. And, believe me, I would love to say I had the pleasure of dating Shin Hyesung, but what we had wasn’t dating. Actually, Shin Hyesung doesn’t date. That guy has the lowest self-esteem in all of Korea and that leads him to lack trust in anyone who claims to love him. Anyway, what Hyesung and I had was… indeed special. I wanted to protect him, but I wasn’t as up-front about it as Eric. I cared about him, but I wasn’t as hotheaded as Jinnie. We listened to each other, comforted each other, and really understood each other. In a sick, twisted way, we suited each other perfectly. We matched so much better than I ever dreamed.

            “We weren’t dating, but we weren’t just buddies either. We loved each other. We said it often, and we believed it.”

            “Then why did you make the… ‘test’ or whatever it’s called?” Dongwan interrupted. “When you believed that Hyesung truly loved you back—”

            Minwoo looked down at his lap. “I was insecure. So many people wanted Hyesung, albeit for physical company or not. And my relationship with Hyesung was a secret, so nobody knew. I was scared someone would snatch away what we had right under my nose. I needed a plan, a plan so desperate and pathetic to prove to Hyesung that I was the only one for him.”

            “So you made the test so that everyone except you will fail it?”

            “Yes,” Minwoo agreed shamefully. “But my plan backfired. Every time Hyesung made someone take the ‘test’, it broke a piece of him, too. I thought I would be enough for him, but eventually, Hyesung was so consumed with self-hate that I couldn’t do anything for him anymore. And I saw it in his eyes – he stopped trusting me, too. I was so shaken and disgusted with myself. I shattered the man I so loved and wanted to protect.

            “I left him, terrified of what I had done to him. I stopped answering his calls, I stopped meeting with him private. Hyesung was confused and angry with me. Then he stopped trying to reach out to me. I betrayed him. Like how I betrayed you.”

            “Minwoo yah…” All of Dongwan’s anger seemed to flee as he watched the man in front of him overflow with loss and defeat.

            “I… I never meant to hurt anyone. You nor Hyesung,” Minwoo confessed, his eyes glossy with tears. “I made a mistake, a terrible, unforgivable mistake, and I won’t be able to rest until someone fixes it.”

            Minwoo took his friend’s hands into his and squeezed it tightly. “Dongwan ah… You’re the only one I know who can fix my mistake. I need you to fix him. I need you to fix Shin Hyesung.”

            Dongwan gulped. “Why me?”

            Minwoo gave him a sad smile. “Because only your love for him is untainted.”

            “B-But—”

            At that moment, their phones buzzed in sync, and the two jumped in surprise in the midst of their intense conversation.

            It was nearly three in the morning. “Who the hell—” Dongwan muttered as he scrambled for his phone in his pocket.

            By the look of it, it was a group message sent by Eric. What did he have to say so late at night? If it was a stupid joke, Dongwan was going to kill—

            It wasn’t a stupid joke. Well, if it was a joke, it sure wasn’t funny.

            Dongwan had to read it twice for the words to register.

            “Hyesung’s in the ER. Come now.”

[A/N]: Hey, guys! It's been a while again, right? T___T I'm finally on spring break so I got to writing a chapter for this fic as soon as I could (it's nearly 5am in the morning and I'm exhausted, I don't know how I wrote this tbh lol). I've been having trouble writing lately and I think it really shows (sorry TT) so I just put on some music and pretty much let my subconscience write this whole chapter lol. I really feel for Hyesung in this fic, I already mentioned he's a morphed reflection of my personal self, and it kinda breaks me every time I write anything for this fic. So, what I'm trying to say is, this fic hits close to my heart, so I really hope you liked it despite the bad writing ^^ (and sorry I keep hospitalizing Syung across my fics lmao) Thank you as always for your support! Please don't forget to comment and upvote, it really helps me keep writing~ I love you, guys! Mwuahhh <3 (More to come, I promise!)