My phone rang angrily at my side, attempting to pull me from my rest, but I snuggled forward into the chest in front of me in an attempt to get comfortable again. My phone didn't get the message, carrying on with its serenade and my human pillow groaned.

   "Get the damn phone...." he grumbled, rolling over and away from me.

  I wanted to reach for him again to get my comfort back, but he was already gone in his cranky state of half consciousness. Between pulses that rocked my brain in my skull, I fished around for my phone lazily until I recognized the lump on the ground with a tired sigh. At the tap of my finger and the eventual completion of my lock screen pattern, the device showed me the notification of the new text I had just received.

   // I'm on my way. //

   My eyes flew open immediately. I had never been more afraid of a text in my life. What was I going to do? My mind was still fuzzy from just having woke up, but I moved around like a woman possessed, grabbing my things off of Jaejoong's floor before stumbling into the bathroom to survey my appearance in the mirror. I looked a mess but I had less than 15 minutes to make the 30 minute trip back home without being caught. Fabulous.

   The day before...

   Shinyoung sipped her iced tea with mild amusement as she watched the barista argue with some kid over the quality of the shop's brownies. It was cute for all of 3 seconds before my attention returned to the issue at hand. I had called Jaejoong to schedule a lunch meeting with him in the twins' office and I was already regretting my decision. What if he didn't show? He already showed much reluctance to being pulled out of the house, but I had resolved that if he really wanted things to be well between us, such a small sacrifice wouldn't be such a big deal. Especially after how our last meeting went. 

  I touched my head in memory of the pain of being swung into the wall. He had never been violent to me before, and the fact that he did in the face of my rejection was more than just a bit worrying. I didn't exactly know how to approach that in conversation.

   "Did you tell him where to find you?" Shinyoung inquired, stirring her ice with her straw. "People don't normally look up in this direction."

  She had a point; the tables upstairs were set on the balcony over the front door--if you didn't know where to look for stairs, you wouldn't know that there were seats higher up. Should I text him again? It wouldn't have been good to have him looking around downstairs since he may have been recognized.

   I rose from my seat. "I should go down there to guide him up."

  My wedges clacked against the wood as I descended the spiral stairs and crossed the main floor. There weren't as many customers as there was on a usual day making me feel as if someone above was looking out for me. 'Surprise' couldn't begin to describe the expression on my face when the man in the doorway of the store met my eyes and he tilted his head as if to say 'There you are'. In ripped jeans, a loose fitting tee and a face mask, he could've been anyone. However, I knew how Jaejoong carried himself and it appeared that he hadn't changed at all. I straightened as he approached me, the solid thump of his boots matching the steady pounding of my heart. 

   "Let's go upstairs," I said, lifting a hand before he could speak. "We'll have privacy there."

  This seemed to be a good enough reasoning for him; I was leading him up the staircase a moment later, mentally coaching myself along the way. 

   Don't you dare swoon. He is not your boyfriend. He is not worth it. He just happens to be hot. Well, really hot. Like really REALLY....dammit.

  The toe of my shoe caught on the back leg of a random chair on the balcony and I stumbled forward, nearly tripping onto my face. If it weren't for his hand grabbing my arm at the last moment I'd have spent my entire afternoon praying for the ground to swallow me so I wouldn't have to deal with the shame.

   "Are you alright?"

   A sigh puffed out at his inquiry. "Yeah...I'm fine." I eased out of his grasp just as Shinyoung ushered us into the office and excused herself to get our lunch, thinking I didn't see her spying at my guest. "Just sit anywhere."

   "Were you always running a coffee shop that I didn't know about?"

   "I don't see why that matters."

   "You're giving me allowances as if you own the place," he commented taking a seat on the couch anyway.

  I shrugged, sitting across from him with my hands folded in my lap. Now that we were alone, I took a good look at Jaejoong as he slid the mask off of his face and put it onto the table. He had lost weight. Over the course of time I had been off to school Jae had slimmed down even more, his cheeks were hardly there anymore and he looked so tired. My heart ached at the reality of what he had been enduring in my absence. No, his personal life wasn't perfect, but he was amazing at what he did in his work even though it ran him into the ground. I missed his thicker physique, his warm gaze that was free of teasing and lust....I just wanted my friend back.

  If I thought that I was being awkward just staring at him, my worries were put to rest when I realized that he was doing the same thing, his eyes leisurely sliding across my form as if he hadn't just seen me a few days ago. He was so relaxed, so calm even though the tightness around his eyes told me that the fondness in his gaze wasn't something straight forward. But then again the entire situation wasn't straight forward from the start.

   From the break, our relationship was strained--sneaking around, lying, pretending. It shouldn't have surprised me how it turned out with the deceit seeping out between us. We used to tell each other everything, from simple day to day things to our deepest ual fantasies. Jae was always so liberal with me and always expected me to be the same. I may not have had his time or 100% of what I wanted from him, but when he was with me, I was so happy. So content to be in his presence. 

   The moment I was opened my mouth to speak, Shin came back in with a tray of ice coffees and two random items from the menu downstairs. Well, not entirely "random"; I may or may not have told her what to get. Either way, Jaejoong picked the chicken club, just as I knew he would which left me to eat the Caesar salad as my best friend dismissed herself once again.

    "You were going to say something." 

    "Hmm?" I lifted my head to the sound of his voice, wiping the corner of my mouth where a dab of dressing was sitting. 

    He smiled warmly at me, my heart fluttering a bit already. "You were going to say something before your friend came in."

   I lowered my eyes to my bowl for a second. Well, this was what we came here for--to talk.

    "You're different," I said in a small voice. 

   I cursed the sudden abandonment of all my previous fire, stuffing some more salad into my mouth as Jae nodded in agreement. 

    "As are you," he retorted before a brief pause. "But I know what you mean. Actually, I wanted to apologize about earlier." His legs shifted him uncomfortably in his seat. "I didn't...mean to hurt you. I just didn't want you to leave before we were on good terms again. I didn't want you to leave angry with me."

   My lips pinched together in a frown in remembrance of the bangs to my head on the wall of his bedroom. I didn't want to tell him that it was OK, because it wasn't, but I couldn't find it in myself to be as angry as I was that day in the face of the contrite stare I had refused to look at when I was making a beeline for the front door. Instead I lifted my ice coffee to my mouth and took a generous sip before replacing it on the table. And by the way Jaejoong took a nervous bite of his sandwich, I knew that he knew that I wasn't about to forgive him so easily.

    "I called you here so we could clear the air." My back straight, I faced him fully. "I don't want this any more; this horrible bundle of jumbled up feelings needs to go. I need to be able to be honest with everyone, including my boyfriend."

    "Have you told him?"

    "Yes."

    "And?"

    "And he's furious. What the hell do you mean, 'and'?" I snapped. "Wouldn't you be? But then again, you never checked much for me outside of your own wants anyway."

  Jae frowned and it was only when the tail of my words resonated in the air did I realize that I was half shouting at him in a very quiet and still room. I settled back into my seat with my drink as a shield between us. No sharp criticism came my way. There wasn't even a twinge of anger in his eyes--just regret and acceptance. Is that what he was going to let me do? Rag on him for every time he wasn't there for me? Let me yell at him as much as I wanted while he absorbed it all with a soft 'sorry'?

    "Why did you come here today?" I breathed. "Why did you agree when I called?"

    His never wavering gaze flickered to my eyes. "Because I knew that you had things that you wanted to say to me. Because there are things that I wanted to say to you...Because I was too chicken to call you out myself." Jae's thin voice betrayed his supposedly calm facade. "I wanted to see you. I needed to see you."

   Jaejoong's slim hand slid cross the table, resting on top of mine hesitantly. He was warm but I knew that the fluttering heartbeat I felt in his touch wasn't just my imagination. We stared at each other for long time, food momentarily forgotten in the silent communication of our eyes. There was no room for anything but sincerity. Slowly, my hand turned over, grasping his in a reassuring grip. Just the steady pressure of his finger made me feel calmer than I had since this entire trip had started.

    "We don't have to fight," he stated.

    "But we can't fall into the same pattern again." My body turn slightly away from his as if to resist. "I would hate for it to come to that."

    "I promise that we can do this. We can make this work. We're still friends. Aren't we?"

   What else was I to do in the face of his optimism and hopeful tone? I nodded, offering him a smile that enticed him to send me one of his own.

   The better part of the next two hours were spent with our hands clasped just like that between bites of food and orders of more iced coffee. We reminisced and talked out our feelings until I rediscovered exactly what had made me fall for this man in the first place. It wasn't his body. It wasn't his talent. It was his darling personality that made me laugh and listen and gaze at him as if he had written the book on the most interesting things in the universe. It was dangerous, but I couldn't see a reason to stop. We were just friends weren't we? And don't friends talk? 

   It was helpful to finally finally get everything out into the open air after so long. If we had had this sort of communication to begin with, I could only imagine what we could have accomplished in our relationship. Junsu called Jae in the middle of our conversation to ask him to stay at the house since Yoochun was scheduled to be coming onto the island that evening though he wasn't sure on which flight so, for good measure, he wanted the elder to keep an eye out while he met up with some acquaintances of his own. It wasn't as if Jun didn't know that Jaejoong had been spending the afternoon with me, so a long look passed between the two of us. 

    "Would you like to continue this back at the villa? I'm not trying to hit on you or anything," he clarified quickly, hands up in a show of innocence "but I would really like it if we could keep talking. This....feels good."

   It did indeed feel nice to share in this warm atmosphere with him so with my bag tucked slung over my shoulder and smile on my lips we made our way back to the room I had found him in on that day that changed so much in the lives of the two Js, my brother and I. My eyes immediately slid to the spot on the wall where Jae had swung me, not once, but twice. That's enough, I told myself when the phantom ache tried to pulse its way into my skull. Jaejoong, who had stopped to make sure that everything was locked up behind us came in seconds later, his entire expression becoming contrite once more when he noticed where I was looking.

    "I'm sorry," he whispered.

    My eyes drifted to the rumpled sheets of the bed and I remembered my own faults. "I am, too. I shouldn't have led you on that morning."

   He shook his head and helped me out of my coat and shoes, resting my bag at the foot of the chest beside the bed before holding a hand out for me, one knee already pressing on the mattress. I pinned him with a firm gaze but he shook his head once more. Going out on a limb, I took his hand and allowed him to pull me down with him into the pillows on his unmade bed. It was so comfortable despite the memories of what had almost happened there. I snuggled my face into the nearest pillow and hummed at the scent of Jaejoong in the fabric. He didn't touch me while we merely laid beside each other, each finding different levels of comfort in our poses.

    "I didn't mean to make you feel like I was using you," he said in the comfy silence, hands tucked under the pillow that propped his head up.

   I my side so that we were facing each other, knees drawn up and touching like teens in a cheesy romance movie. 

    "I did have feelings for you then," he went on, "and I still do now. It was just so stressful at the time. I know its no excuse but it was just so easy to do--to come to you to relieve myself and let you play with my hair and just...not think for a while. I didn't mean to hurt you."

   His honest and open expression tore my heart to shreds. I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't be mad at him any more--I knew from the second he made me laugh at the cafe. But then what were we to do? According to him, he still felt things for me and I would have been lying if I said he didn't still have a place in my heart. Mind you, I loved Andrew. I loved his pearly white smile and his impossibly big heart and the stupid funny commentary he would give when we were in class in high school. He was kind and considerate to me, looking after my every need and being there when I needed him to be in 30 minutes or less. He was strong and wise every blue moon, shielding me from the world with his hulking frame whenever it seemed as if I was going to fall apart in his arms. He was there. However...

   However, the sad truth was that he didn't hit the depths of my heart like that Jae did. There was a primal, instinctual (and possibly very hormonal) thing that tied me to him, that kept me coming back to him even when a flare would be going off in my head telling me not to wait on his call, to not expect him to answer my messages too soon, to not give in to his smooth words and sweet voice. It was still there, nudging at me in a fury that had been muted earlier by the presence of  food, but with Jae laying across from me, eyes heavy with sleep, I chose to ignore it. I wanted to be greedy. I wanted to treasure him and keep him in my heart even though I couldn't love him the way he would want. It was this greediness that had me wrapping my arms around his waist and closing my eyes to listen to the sound of his heart that seemed to beat in time with mine. Appa, I thought, my consciousness drifting away like a balloon in the comfort of the breezy afternoon. Can I just be this selfish once?

   It wasn't long before I got my answer, though the ringtone I heard wasn't Minwoo's, but Andrew's. It wasn't much later than midnight when it came.    

   My phone rang angrily at my side, attempting to pull me from my rest, but I snuggled forward into the chest in front of me in an attempt to get comfortable again. My phone didn't get the message, carrying on with its serenade and my human pillow groaned.

   "Get the damn phone...." he grumbled, rolling over and away from me.

  I wanted to reach for him again to get my comfort back, but he was already gone in his cranky state of half consciousness. Between pulses that rocked my brain in my skull, I fished around for my phone lazily until I recognized the lump on the ground with a tired sigh. At the tap of my finger and the eventual completion of my lock screen pattern, the device showed me the notification of the new text I had just received.

   // I'm on my way. //

   My eyes flew open immediately. I had never been more afraid of a text in my life. What was I going to do? My mind was still fuzzy from just having woke up, but I moved around like a woman possessed, grabbing my things off of Jaejoong's floor before stumbling into the bathroom to survey my appearance in the mirror. I looked a mess but I had less than 15 minutes to make the 30 minute trip back home without being caught. Fabulous.