Are lobsters mermaids to scorpions?

Sehun 4:03 AM ✓✓

Sehun, it’s 4 in the bloody morning. Bloody .

Luhan 4:03AM ✓✓

*

First off, Kris didn't remember the convent having a lawn. As he checked the emails on his phone, he glanced up at the tiny figure standing in the centre of a green square. She had a shovel in one hand, which she used to fill a hole. Second off, he wasn't sure that was legal. Nora seemed absorbed in her task, dirt on her tear-stained cheeks, as she chucked chunks of dirt into the hole, sniffing to herself as she worked. Melissa stood next to her, expression solemn, yet there was something in her eyes that Kris just couldn’t place.

“Hey, what you girls doing?”

“Mrs. Flippy-Toes is dead.”

Chanyeol, who was standing next to Kris, staring equally bemusedly at the hole jerked his head up.

“Eh?”

“My rabbit’s dead. Melissa saw her killed.”

“No, she’s not. Minseok…OW!” He winced as Melissa’s tiny feet crunched the edge of his toes like a bag of bricks.

“This is a burial,” Melissa threw him a deadpan glance, “be quiet.”

Awkwardly, Kris and Chanyeol stood around the hole, slightly too terrified to speak, even though they knew true and well that the rabbit was with Minseok. Not alive, but still. When Nora had patted the last of the soil into the soil, they both murmured solemn words of prayer before Melissa held Nora’s hand, directing her back to the house.

“Wait,” Chanyeol was evidently too stupid to let it go, “how exactly did Mrs. Tipsy Head die?”

“Flippy Toes,” Nora looked like she had just about lost it, “dang it, she’s dead and you can’t pronounce her name right? FLIPPY TOES. FLIPPY TOES…”

“Yeah, yeah, how did she die?” Kris interrupted.

“A stray cat tore her in half and ate her,” Melissa said solemnly, “I knew it was trouble. Last time when I wanted to pet her, she clawed my dress.”

“Wait, if the cat ate her, what did you bury?”

But Nora was already halfway to the door, sobbing into her collar. Before the entering, Melissa turned and threw them a look.

She smiled.

Kris and Chanyeol snapped around to stare at the patch in the ground.

“No fricking way.”

*

It was not one of those days when Himchan was the most patient when Tao burst into the room, howling like a hyena in heat.

“I got a rugburn on my arm knee like two hours ago and its still dark there. I think I got a scar from rugburn, noooooo…. My modelling days are over, I always wanted to meet Kim Kardashian, now I can’t because of the disgrace of rugburn noooo…” he ended his rant with a dramatic body-slam full on the floor, without carpet and all, and might have regretted it instantly, because the second he did that, his howls intensified.

Himchan stared at him, and all he could manage was…

“What the hell is an arm knee?”

Tao extended his arm and the guilty spot glowed on a particular part.

“This.”

“That… that’s a freaking elbow… Mother of Hamsters, I can’t stand EXO.” Himchan shook his head with anguish and went back to his coffee and iPad. Tao stayed on the floor, about ruined dreams of walking the runway as a Gucci model and marrying Bella Hadid, and being Kim Kardashian’s godchild and… Himchan decided to pay more attention as Yongguk traipsed into the kitchen, a fat pillow under one arm and a razor in another hand. He looked especially grim, since there was a tiny bead of blood under his chin, the red on his skin painful to look at. Wordlessly, Yongguk pulled open the freezer, pulled out a pack of red dates, dumped it into another compartment, and stuffed the entire pillow into the empty deep-freezing box. Then, he slammed the freezer door shut and glowered around the room. Even Tao had stopped , and he and Himchan stared at Yongguk, beckoning him to explain with poker faces.

“Jongdae shaved his legs with my face razor,” Yongguk spat and gave the icebox a last, good kick, before walking off, muttering profusely under his breath. Himchan blinked.

Tao seemed to recover earlier, as he went back to and crying about this time, shattered ambitions of having Cara Delevigne’s babies (for some reason, he would be the one having the babies).

Eccentricities were abundant in that morning apparently, because no sooner that Yongguk left, Junmyeon bustled in, excited and flushed.

“I just thought of an amazing concept for our new song, and I really wanted your opinion.”

“Thanks but I…”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter that we’re competitors, I really value BAP’s opinion! I wanted to ask Yongguk, but I got scared.” His last word came out a squeak.

“…am drinking coffee,” Himchan massaged his temples, “I was going to say coffee, not all...” he gestured haphazardly, “…that jargon.”

“Oh. Anyway, I thought of this really cool thing – friend-pick-up-lines!”

“…friend-what-now?”

“Pick-up lines to make new friends!” Junmyeon’s eyes gleamed ecstatically, “something like this – hey that’s a pair of cool kicks, you know where it could rock better? On no one else, yeah!” He ended his pitch with a wink and a ‘me gusta’ sign with his fingers, which basically looked like he was shooting Himchan in the heart.

Himchan set his Garfield eyes on Junmyeon, coffee hovering mid-air.

“…o-or, you’re a beautiful individual! Hot as summer, yeah! Let’s be besties and rule the world!” Junmyeon clicked his teeth this time, plus the sign. Himchan set down the mug.

“Go away or I’ll set your family on fire,” Himchan gritted his teeth, and Junmyeon scarpered, Tao’s face peering up at them, watching them in amusement.

Himchan managed to get through halfway his coffee this time, and he was slipping into the deceptive cocoon of bliss that was caffeine intoxication when the next weirdo burst into the kitchen. This time, he was not here to annoy Himchan.

“Tao, Tao!” Yixing looked even more excited that the day before when Yongguk gave him a cereal bar, “I have a question.”

“Formalities,” Tao mumbled with his head in the carpet.

“Master,” Yixing got down to the floor a Tao’s level. It looked like a sea lions meeting under the kitchen table, “why am I not advancing in my wushu technique, Master?”

“Have you seen the sunset when the seagulls fly flaming over the roof?”

“Yes, master!” Yixing squeaked happily.

“And the water from streams hitting rocks without achieving anything?”

“Yes, Master!”

“Shifu. Call me shifu.” Tao had just watched Kungfu Panda the night before and was probably inspired.

“Yes Shifu!”

“Have you see the moon reflecting on calm water?”

“Yes, shifu!”

“Have you seen ranger ants carrying the dead carcasses of massive grasshoppers together back to their hill for their queen with perseverance?”

“Yes shifu!”

“That’s your problem. You keep watching stupid instead of practising.”

*

Facebook

 Kim Heechul

April 18

Things I love the most in life are cute dongsaengs that look like Sohee. Xiuminnie you’re so cute! Listening to Wolf and feeling jacked. Feeling loved with - Kim Minseok

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890 people liked this.

Choi Siwon Happy April 18^th. I hope this is the day you decide to stop posting stupid crap on facebook. Thanks.

Choi Siwon Seriously, I can’t do promotional activities in China without you cluttering up my inbox with your hormones. Seriously, God bless you.

Choi Siwon Another post on Instagram on you and Xiumin. Dude, this is creepy.

Choi Siwon KIM HEECHUL YOU PROMISED ME HEEWON WAS REAL YOU TRAITOROUS MINX I HATE YOU.

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Kimheechul ♥ ♥ ♥ I think about him 31/7. Cause he’s on my mind even when I sleep ♥

Choisiwon noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo TT^TT

Kyuhyun … it’s still 24 hours a day when you’re sleeping, dip.

Kimheechul @kyuhyun wait what?

*

Facebook Messenger

Kim Heechul

April 18, 7:35AM

• Hey Xiuminnie.

• Hello, hyung. J

• My love for you is like a candle.

• Oh, uh. Thank you hyung.

• It burns bright…

And if you forget me…

I will burn your house down.

• …oh.

• Just kidding love ya! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

*

Whatsapp - Super Junior Group Chat

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Heechul.

Kangin 8:30AM ✓✓

Huh?

Heechul 8:30AM✓✓

Aren’t you done torturing Minseok, I got a text from Daehyun saying he’s having a nervous breakdown.

Kangin 8:31AM✓✓

Lol not quite. NOT QUITEEEEEE. ♥ ♥ ♥

Heechul 8:31AM ✓✓

*

There are many instances when Baekhyun is left in awe. Frankly, too many. Like how good Chanyeol sounds on the microphone, or how the fans lost their minds when Yongguk’s voice boomed onto the stage, or how well Yixing could dance even with sweat pouring down every inch of his skin, or how monumentally stupid Kris could be when it came to variety shows.

This time, he was awed by Zelo. The tall maknae was basically a tower over the tiny children, and he was actually doing a better job teaching them math compared to yesterday. His methods were actually really good, and his explanations were clear and precise. Baekhyun and Jongdae leaned against the door frame, watching the maknae of BAP write in relatively readable handwriting the times tables of 2 till 10. The kids seemed to react well too, all furiously scribbling notes on pink and blue slips of scented paper.

“Dang, Zelo’s a pretty good teacher after all.”

“Yeah, Yongguk gave him some prep talk yesterday about how much reality he was able to convey to the kids. He’s doing really well.”

“Okay, kids. Show of hands. What’s the importance of maths?” Zelo raised his voice as he set down the black marker. A couple of hands shot up to the air.

“Melissa?”

“To get to uni?”

“Okay, Samuel?”

“To make sure you don’t get cheated in conveniences stores in Busan.”

Silence.

“…Aaron?”

“To get a job?”

“Good. Good,” Zelo beamed, “those are really good answers. Yes, you need money to be able to count, and when you can count, you can get to uni or get a job.”

“What’s a uni?” Anne asked.

“Uni’s short for university, it’s a school adults go to before working.”

“That sounds awful. Working and studying. What if I don’t want to work or go to uni?” Penny scrounged up her face. Zelo’s lip twitched.

“Sorry Penny,” Zelo swooped down next to Penny with a smile that Baekhyun didn’t quite like, “you’re either going to get a job or go to uni but uni will probably cost you more so you’ll need to do both. Oh, and also, we don’t have enough jobs for you. So, yeah maths’ important now all of you shut up and memorise your times tables. Quiz in 30 seconds.”

Silence.

“That boy needs therapy,” Jongdae whispered.

*

“Hey, I brought over the new batch of eggs,” Luhan said as he set down a dozen eggs onto the counter, “I’m sorry I broke the last three this morning.”

“Oh, it’s okay,” Daehyun smiled at him as he pulled a chair over to the counter and started to stack dry goods into the cupboards. From the window, he could hear Sister Rosaria praying with the children in the tiny chapel.

“Are you sure? Jongup seemed a little pissed when he watched me drop them.”

“I don’t think he cares, he doesn’t like eggs much,” Daehyun caught the worried look on Luhan’s face and nudged him, “hey don’t worry, he doesn’t get mad that easily.”

 “But it's really hard to tell if he's mad or not when all he does is walk away without a word when the mess settles.” Luhan frowned.

Oh, yeah. He's like a British gambler when he wants to be, he brings the 'poker' into poker-face.”

Luhan stealthily peered over his shoulder to look at Jongup, who actually didn't seem mad at all. In fact, he seemed pretty cool with everything, until Zelo walked over and went for a low-five, catching Jongup off guard and accidentally smacking the second maknae less-than-discreetly on the . Jongup jolted, and Zelo, now awkward and a little bit mortified, cast him a sheepish smile and abruptly twisted back to his class.

“…uh.”

Just then, Yixing traipsed in happily, “hello Daehyun-ssi, may I help?”

“…Daehyun will do.”

“Omo!” Yixing actually, frickin’, clapped his hands on his cheeks like an actual, frickin fangirl, “thank you so much for this honour!”

“…you’re welcome. Now that I think of it, why don’t you help me change store the stuff away in the fridge,” he gestured towards the eggs and the fridge as he balanced himself on the chair.

“Thank you for letting me help!” Yixing chirped, and carefully, began to arrange the eggs into side compartments.

“So, how was your morning? I understand Sehun pissed you off a little last night?” Himchan muttered behind the cans he was arranging.

“He pisses me off every day, it’s nothing special.”

“”I thought you guys were close.”

“We are.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

Luhan paused for a moment and then he heaved and jumped onto the counter, “see, we got into this discussion about ghosts.”

“Uh-huh.”

“He said if he were a ghost he would scare the pants out of his older brother for denying that he stole his M&Ms when he was five. He would also scare people who would potentially pee… like Tao.”

Himchan peered down at him, slightly unsure how to react. Luhan looked so serious for a man saying something so dumb.

“Go on.”

“Well, I said if I was a ghost I would do useful . I would do stuff like walking the dog, or taking burning popcorn off the stove and sing to little kids when they couldn’t sleep. I would terrify the intestines out of idiots too like heck yeah, jerks – what was that? Anti-feminism? BAM,” Himchan actually jumped, “your phone is now shattered on the floor, what are you gonna do about that? Ho, punk, you abusing that child? WHAM, your walls are now bleeding…”

“What’s your point.”

“My point is – Sehun shrugged at me when I said that and it hurt my feelings.” Luhan sighed, his pretty face twisted into a disappointed pout, “I’m sad.”

“…okay.”

“Hey, have you ever had a serious girlfriend?” Luhan suddenly turned to Himchan, eyes gleaming, “it’s okay, tell me.”

“Not really, no. I mean, I’ve had crushes, but not really a girlfriend. I was fat.”

“I remember that.”

“…rude.”

“Well I’ve never fallen in love. But I’m kind of a hopeless romantic sometimes you know, I imagine if I didn’t have looks and imagine a girl liking me for who I am instead of EXO’s Luhan.”

Himchan smiled to himself.

“Yeah. We gotta be positive, I guess. Though it’s hard in this industry.”

“Yes,” Luhan’s pretty eyes sparkled and Himchan found it slightly hard to tear his eyes away. Even Yixing paused to stare, “we have to be positive. Somebody is probably thinking of kissing you, and touching your right now because of who you are, and not what you are. How cool is that?”

Himchan’s smile froze on his face.

“…doubt it.”

“Listen, you little ,” Luhan’s expression suddenly hardened, and instead of Bambi, Himchan was reminded of Ursula, the villain in the Little Mermaid, “nothing gets done with that attitude. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE.”

Himchan stared.

“Now repeat after me,” Luhan’s eyes blazed, “someone wants to kiss me.”

“What?”

“DO IT.”

“Someone wants to kiss me.”

“Someone wants to hold my right now.”

“Someone wants to hold my right now…” he trailed off as Aaron froze at the doorway. Everyone basically paused in what they were doing. Then, very slowly, as though warding off an attentive lion, Aaron raised both hands and backed away slowly, until he disappeared out of view.

Luhan blinked at Himchan, caught the expression and slowly mirrored Aaron, backing his out of the kitchen and scarpering upstairs. Yixing peered at Himchan.

“I adore him very much in my heart,” he blinked and mumbled monotonously, “but I can’t for the life of me understand why.”

Himchan stared down his stool.

“I wonder if it’s possible to fall to death from this height.”

For BanaWarrior, and to everyone who bothered reading after all this time.