Six

For the umpteenth time, both my thumbs stayed hovered over the phone keypad that was below a text message clipboard. The still empty clipboard.

I gulped, before braving myself once again and typing out words—any words that came up in my mind.

Hyun Ae, I

Delete. The clipboard was back to empty again.

Do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?

Delete. Delete.

Irritated, I threw the phone to the empty couch spot next to me, before bringing both my hands to my face and exhaling deeply.

I cannot sound nonchalantly like that, I inwardly protested. After all those things that had happened, no less.

It's difficult, I sighed. It's difficult; apologizing is the hardest thing to do indeed.

Solemnly, I stared out of the living room window. It was cloudy outside, as if reflecting the clouds that had been blanketing my heart during the past few days.

It’s Tuesday tomorrow, I whispered to myself. Will she be waiting for me to pick her up? Will she be there at least?

The digital clock on the car dashboard showed that it was 3:57 PM, exactly three minutes before she was expected to come out.

I waited for her at the usual place; near the faculty gate like she always told me. So that she would be able to spot my car immediately after she got out of the faculty building.

I constantly nibbled on my bottom lip and tapped my foot out of nervousness, while watching intently at any figure that passed through the gate.

The next time I glanced at my watch, it was ten past four.

Still, there was no sign of Hyun Ae.

Be patient, Changhyun. I stared at my fingers that I rested on my lap before fiddling with them anxiously. It’s just ten minutes later than expected.

I turned the car engine off before stepping out of the car. I opted to sit on a nearby provided bench that was placed exactly the opposite to the building entrance. Though the bench was quite far from the gate, I was certain she would still be able to see me.

I sat there quietly, occasionally appreaciating the nature.

It was a shriek from a girl that snapped me out of my daze; some stray dogs had surprised her apparently.

Hesitantly, I took a look at my watch.

4:38 PM

Maybe she really is busy, I thought, while watching some students shuffling in and out of the campus gate. However, the tall and slightly dark-skinned lady that I was waiting for was still not in sight.

It’s getting late.

Just wait a little more, Changhyun. It won’t hurt.

It was half-past five when I finally stood up from my stiff posture, before getting into my car and driving back home, with my heart still heavy with regret and guilt.

I was lying down on a couch with an arm covering my eyes, when a knock was heard on the main apartment door. By reflex, I glanced at the clock which read fifteen past six.

Tsk, who could it be? I grunted as I ran a hand through my hair. At this time of the day even... I dragged my feet to the door nonetheless.

“Hyung, are you home?” was faintly heard from the other side, accompanied by some more knocks.

‘Hyung’? It must be a guy, then.

I briefly checked and fixed my appearance at a mirror on the way of getting the door answered. I opened the door not long after, just wide enough for me to peek through the opening.

“Oh, you’re home!”

It turned out to be Jimin, the always cheerful boy who lived next door.

“Yeah, hyung’s home. Is there anything?” I inquired before opening the door more widely.

He nodded. “Mum asked me to give you this.” He handed me a white envelope. “She said a girl was wandering around here this afternoon, looking for your apartment. But Mum said you’re not home yet, so the girl asked Mum if she could pass this to you.”

I scanned the envelope in a glance, and found that my name—Yoo Changhyun—was neatly written on the front of the paper case.

“I see,” I remarked plainly before nodding once.

When I received no response from Jimin, I looked up from the envelope and set my eyes on him. It looked like he was examining me—my face to be exact—in a thoughtful manner.

When he noticed that I was staring back questioningly at him, he carefully muttered out, “You look... troubled nowadays, hyung.”

To say that I was taken aback by his remark was probably an understatement. Had I really been that transparent? Even a 15-year old boy notices...

“Whatever it is, cheer up!” the teen continued before offering his signature gummy grin. “Oh, Mum sends her regards to you. And,” he paused before standing a little bit on his toes, possibly taking a peek at my apartment. “She asked you to clean your house if it’s messy. And from what I see, it is!” he finished playfully before skipping over sideways to his house.

I watched his disappearing figure as I let out a light scoff. Life... is not always easy, Jimin. Though I must admit I always envied his optimistic nature.

With Jimin now gone from my sight, my interest was entirely invested on the white envelope. I inspected it once again. There was no address written ‒only my name. It seemed that the sender had intended to simply slip the envelope under my apartment door.

I closed the door and headed to the couch that I previously sat on, while tearing the envelope’s seal carefully. Setting the envelope aside, I took out its content; two sheets of A4 paper, with neat handwriting gracing both of them.

It looked like a letter.

As if on reflex, my hands suddenly trembled and my heart thumped faster at the sight of the letter.

I took a quick glance at the first sentence on the first page.

Oppa, hi. It’s me, Hyun Ae.

Hyun Ae? I had to tear my gaze away from the letter for a while. She was here, in the afternoon?

I took deep breaths to calm myself down, before proceeding to read the rest of the letter.

I’m sorry for dropping you a letter all of the sudden. But I know myself for not being brave enough to face you; to confront you.

I believe you already know what the content is going to be... right? Well at least that’s what I’m hoping.

Alright, where should I start...

I picked up your mum’s call the other day, when you’re still in the mart after the movie. Of course, she was surprised when the one answering her was not her son, but a girl instead. When she asked who I was, I introduced myself as your girlfriend. “I’m Hyun Ae, Ricky Oppa’s girlfriend.” in the hope that you might have talked to her about me, and mentioning my name could ring a bell.

But her reply came out as a shock. A really unexpected one.

“Ricky? Who’s that?” to the point that she thought she was dialling the wrong number and was about to hang up.

Fortunately, I was quick enough to re-introduce myself using your real name this time: Changhyun’s girlfriend.

“Ah, Changhyun! He didn’t tell me that he’s got a girlfriend! Is Ricky the pet name between you two?”

From that moment on, I knew there was something wrong.

Then I found out about those notes in your phone. As if the phone call with your mum wasn’t enough to wrench my heart.

‘Aeri’, the notes said. Over and over again. And I’m well aware that I haven’t changed my name to Aeri yet. I’m still sane enough to realize that I’m still Hyun Ae.

I don’t know if you remember: those multiple occasions when you accidentally called me Aeri. But you brushed it off afterwards (in a rather flustered way, if I must add), saying that you had a cousin named Aeri who acted almost like me.

I don’t think so though.

I remember you told me that ‘Ricky’ was a pet name from your family.

Again, I don’t think so too.

Because I know how close you are with your mum. Even if the nickname did come from your other famiy members, your mum should have known it. And based on the conversation over the phone call, your mum only recognized Changhyun, not Ricky.

I can safely conclude that ‘Ricky’ came from Park Aeri. Am I correct?

I don’t know if I’ve been... delusional or oblivious all this time, but I realized something lately. You don’t look at me like you really see me. It’s as if... you’re expecting someone else, but you ended up seeing me.

Those hugs and goodnight kisses after our dates. Was I really the one in your embraces? “Ricky Oppa,” I’d been addressing you. Was it me that’s in your vision when I called you that name?

Do you know what hurts even more? That she smelled so familiar. And it took me a while to figure it out: the smell was the same with the perfume scent that you gave me as a present.

I don’t know...

Are you trying to change me into her, Yoo Changhyun?

That thought alone saddens me to no end.

Why, oppa? Am I not good enough for being myself? Can’t you love me for who I am? Is there anything that you dislike me doing? The way I laugh, maybe? Tell me please, so I can fix them for you.

I actually met Park Aeri, if you must know. During the volunteer work; she was one of the participants. It was as if fate was kind enough to show me who this Park Aeri was. At first I doubted that she was ‘the’ Park Aeri, but proofs kept popping up, that they further confirmed that this girl was indeed Park Aeri. The girl that managed to make your world upside down.

But she didn’t seem to know me, and that gave me the opportunity to keep finding my plus points over her. I know it’s not appropriate to judge and peer into someone whom I barely knew. But I couldn’t help it. I tried to reason myself the whole time that it’s not wrong to be jealous over her, and try to win over her in any possible aspect. It's not wrong if it's for my sake; for my relationship’s sake.

It crossed my mind sometimes. What would you do if she did come back to you? Would you turn her down? Or would you hide it from me, and date both of us at the same time? After that, you’d ditch me. Would you do that?

Remember our meeting at the park just a few days before? I was giving you the opportunity to explain about Aeri. Anything about her. Clarify about her. Who’s she to you.

Those notes in your phone. Wouldn’t you want to explain to me about them?

I had already decided that I really wouldn’t care if you lied to me. Just tell me something about her.

But you didn’t do anything. You didn't even go against my assumptions.

I was disappointed. I was truly disappointed.

It’s almost our 100^th day –only five days from now—but I doubt you know that. I doubt you even keep track of our relationship. I feel like I’m the only one committed to this relationship. And I can honestly say that I feel like giving up.

Here, my throat felt dry and my mind was already in a huge mess. I couldn’t comprehend all these revelation at once. I would’ve had shouted my lungs out in frustration, if it wasn’t for the second sheet of the letter.

Although it was notably short in comparison with the first one, the content was enough to take my breath away.

But,

do you want to know something?

I still treasure this relationship.

Yes, it’s true that we’re still in that stage of knowing each other. It's true that I'm still angry at you for all these things that had happened, but I still treasure this relationship. I still treasure you.

After thinking about this for days and days, I’m aware that throwing a fit or tantrum, or even yelling at you for thinking of another girl while being with me, would not solve any problem.

And so,

I've decided to give myself a second chance.

Second chance. Let me help you move on. Even if I was really your rebound, give me another chance to prove to you that I can help you forget Park Aeri.

I understand if you’re still haunted by her, for she could’ve been your first love. I don’t blame you for that.

And I know that she's no longer tied to you. In whatever way she was with you, I've decided to love you my way.

Will you, however, let me have this second chance?

I’ll be waiting.

It’s either me or her.

[ A/N ]

Posted: 21/01/2014, 04:30