Five
Deeply RootedI hadn’t said sorry to her.
A part of me wanted to apologize, sincerely.
Another part, however, refused to touch on the topic regarding the notes in my phone. There’s a possibility that she didn’t see them, right? A voice in me attempted to coax my restless heart. Maybe she was quiet that day because of other things. What if she hadn’t seen the notes, what are you going to apologize for?
To some extent, those words managed to assure me, and so, I decided to keep quiet.
Both Hyun Ae and I were university students, but attending different institutes. Not to mention that due to the different course streams that we took, our schedules mostly clashed. So the chances of meeting each other during the weekdays, specifically during school time, were almost nil. Unless either of us decided to drop by the other’s university, but that rarely happened.
Tuesdays and Wednesdays were the only days that our schedules didn’t conflict with each others'. Eventually, and willingly, they became the weekly days that I agreed of picking her up after her classes.
The days following the movie outing, I only received daily text messages of ‘good morning’s and ‘good night’s from her.
Tuesday came by, in the blink of an eye. Since we only exchanged text messages without seeing each other in the past two days—even the exchanges were somehow kept at their minimum—it also meant that it'd be the first time I would see her, particularly after the notes incident.
The first time after the notes incident. I was immediately anxious upon realizing it.
As a result, I wasn’t able to concentrate in my own classes that day—to anything, even—to the point that I almost walked away without paying for my lunch at the university cafeteria. I was extremely anxious that day, that even made my coursemate, Sungjae, point out that I looked unwell and suggest me to skip the afternoon classes if it was necessary. I dismissed his assumptions though, by saying that I was only nervous for a test that was going to be held that afternoon.
A test it was, indeed.
However, Hyun Ae's text message that I received at 3 PM while I was still in class, just an hour before I was ‘scheduled’ to pick her up, left me feeling half-relieved but half-guilty.
Oppa, Professor Oh’s going to need me for some kind of event preparation after classes later. So you don’t have to pick me up today. Have a safe trip back home, oppa.
Tucking the phone back into my trouser's pocket—for I had secretly taken it out when I felt vibrations coming from the device—I felt guilty for actually releasing a relieved sigh. Faking my attention towards the lecture by fixating my eyes on the flat screen at the front of the theatre, I let my mind wander to the just received text message. It was not unusual that I received such messages on the days I picked her up. I took note that she was well-liked and trusted by her colleagues and lecturers, that she was asked for help a few times, and apparently, she wasn’t one to decline such requests.
It was the timing that made it...suspicious. It was as if she was trying to avoid from seeing me.
The next day was the same. Except that I received it early in the morning.
Oppa, morning! You don’t have to pick me up today too. I have to get involved in the volunteer work prep this afternoon. I might have to come home late. I’ll catch a bus, don’t worry. Have a good day. xx
I pondered for a long time on how to reply to the text message. In the end, I could only come with a “You too. Don’t skip any meal, alright.” And that was three hours later. Better one than none, I assured myself.
Thursday’s message from her simply read, “Morning!”
Her ‘good night’ text messages, too, had reduced greatly from a,
I just got home and I’m dead tired :( I hope your day was great though. I’m sorry if I happened to disturb you sleeping. You don’t have to reply. Good night, oppa.
to just,
It’s 10 PM. Good night :)
I didn’t receive anything on Friday. Despite the brief exchanges of text messages in the past few days, I managed to ask her about the said volunteer work and figure out that it took place on Friday. I assumed she was busy that day, that she had no time to text me.
Saturday’s text messages were slightly different, however—they were not in the lines of 'good morning' or 'good night'. I received two texts at 6 in the afternoon.
I met Daniel-shi and Chunji-shi yesterday. They were nice :)
However, it was the latter text message that left me feeling agitated.
Can we meet up? At the park, 8pm. Will you be free that time?
I took a deep breath before giving her a short reply, “Sure.”
'The park'. It was the one that was nearest to her apartment, which was also a twenty-minute walk from mine.
I reached the park at slightly later than 8, and as the punctual person she was, she was already at the expected area of the park—the third lamp post from the park entrance. She was sitting on a provided bench that was under the said lamp post. Both her palms were propping her at either side and she was slowly dangling her hanging legs back and forth. Her head was bowed a bit, and she could be seen staring at her swinging feet, presumably lost in her thoughts.
While forming careful strides towards her, I studied her appearance. She was simply dressed in a beige, open-front cardigan; a pair of black leggings which flaunted her long legs; and a pair of brown flats that she wore daily. Her shoulder-length, jet-black hair which was usually tied up high neatly, was loosely fastened this time, letting some hair strands to fall to the front of her face.
It had been a while since I saw her, and to say the least, I did miss her. All we ever exhanged in the past few days were only text messages. I just realized we didn't even make calls to each other during that period of time.
She didn’t seem to notice that I had already arrived. So I just stood there–by the bench–awkwardly, somehow expecting her to look up and eventually greet me with her cheerful voice.
It was when she stopped dangling her legs, and closed her eyes while releasing a deep sigh, that made me decide to make the first move.
“Hey.” My voice, unexpectedly, came out hoarse.
Even so, that was enough to snap whatever trance she was in. She opened her eyes in a matter of seconds, before focusing them on me.
“Oh hi, oppa,” she squeaked out a reply before clearing . I briefly took note that her voice was laced with weariness. She tucked the fallen hair strands to the back of her ear as she motioned to the empty space to her right. “Seat. Have a seat.”
Honestly, I was expecting a brief hug and a cheery smile greeting me, like what she always did, but that didn’t happen apparently. Instead, only a smile—a crooked smile, to be precise—was offered.
I took the unoccupied seat beside her, instinctively keeping a certain amount of space between us.
Is there any reason why you called me here? was what I wanted to ask, but I held myself. I didn’t want to sound as if I was forced to see her, because that was not true. I wanted to see her. After all, it had been six consecutive days we didn’t meet each other. Something that had never happened before.
Desperate in finding a topic to discuss and never wanting to go with the first question that popped up in my head, I tried an alternative instead. “You...” I paused, briefly taking in her closeup appearance—tired eyes, visible dark circles, and a pair of lips that seemed too stiff to even form a smile, “look exhausted.”
“It’s been hard lately.” She attempted a chuckle, but it turned out to be empty. Awkwardly, she cleared once again before adding, “With assignment, volunteer work, and all. It’s tiring.”
I meekly nodded at her explanation. It was actually an attempt to make her open , and I was somehow glad she responded.
Hyun Ae’s eyes were back on her feet. Once again, silence took place between us. It felt awfully familiar as it was the same type of silence that we experienced in the car a week prior—tense, unbearable, suffocating.
Subtly, I took a deep breath, but just when I finally gained the courage to open my mouth and initiate another conversation, she beat me to it.
“Park Aeri.” She effectively broke my attempt by mentioning a name.
A certain name that managed to stiffen my body. A particular name that was able to make an immediate mess in my head.
Taken by surprise, I was tongue-tied for a few moments. My mind was already in chaos, and my heartbeat was suddenly increasing its pace.
I didn’t know what I should say; in what way I should respond to it.
Hyun Ae, however, seemed unfazed by my statue-like response. It was as if she had anticipated it, for a calm demeanour was sported on her face.
I had no time to recover when she proceeded with the next question, which further made my breath catch in my throat. “Who is she?”
Is this it? Is this the time? Is it finally the time to explain it to her?
I opened my mouth, trying to utter a few coherent words; to come up with any possible explanation that I could make on the spot.
But none came out.
I tried again, but I only ended up opening and closing my mouth repeatedly, without any voice leaving my lips.
Then it hit me, right there and then, that I was not prepared for this.
I was not yet prepared to be asked about her, about Park Aeri.
Frustrated, I balled my hands to fists on my laps. Hyun Ae, I’m... I'm sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I could only chant the apologies in my head, not trusting my voice to croak them out.
Suddenly, she stood up. “What was I asking, haha.” But anyone could tell that it was a fake laugh. She turned around to face the other side in a swift motion, making the hems of her loose cardigan twirl lightly. “Walk, let’s? It’s been a while.” Then she strode away in slow steps without waiting for me, knowing full well that I would trail behind her.
Which I did. I stood up right away while wiping my suddenly sweaty palms against my jeans. I walked behind her with the same pace, subconsciously keeping our distance. My mouth was still sealed from her earlier questions.
“Ricky...” she whispered, and slowly trailed off.
I could tell that she was not calling me, for it was not followed by 'oppa'. It was more like thinking to herself, but at the same time wanting me to hear her thoughts too. It was as if she was studying the name she just muttered.
After a few more steps, she halted, which eventually made me stop in my tracks as well.
“What does the name mean to you?” she questioned, while moving slightly to have her side profile facing me.
I tried to resist my eyes from looking up—a reflex action to recall the excuse that I made up not too long ago.
“It’s what my family–“
“–but your mum doesn’t know who Ricky is,” she interrupted with a slight stern in her voice, eventually cutting my words short. And for the first time of the night, she finally set her eyes properly on me; a hint of mild accusation flickered in her deep black orbs.
Despite her sudden change in attitude, however, I was more puzzled by the words that she just uttered.
Mum? Out of confusion, I furrowed my eyebrows and blinked at her twice. What does Mum have to do with this? With...us?
Is there something that I didn’t know? Did they meet up before? And without my knowledge?
As if on reflex, my mind suddenly wandered to the events that happened during the last time we met. Movie, phone notes... Mum asking to buy flour for her, the heavy downpour, the almost weeping female cashier... mart.
Mart.
It took me a while to gather the pieces together, and upon realizing it, I couldn't help but bite back a gasp.
“Your mum called just now.”
“I’m sorry I answered it because it was literally ringing for four times.”
Hyun Ae was on the phone with Mum when I was still in the mart.
So not only the phone notes, but she also had a conversation with Mum over a phone call. Which I didn’t even know what the content was, and what they were talking about.
Not to mention, I had never really told Mum about Hyun Ae.
I was speechless, again. I couldn’t react; my body refused to react. My mind seemed to have shut down. I could only gulp due to the feelings of guilt engulfing me.
Still keeping her eyes trained on my face, she patiently waited for my answer. But upon noticing I couldn’t respond properly to her questions, her shoulders noticeably drooped. Then, she moved her face back to her front, closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. It was as if she had expected the outcome but even so, she still got dejected by it. She opened her eyes slightly afterwards, and stared blankly into the empty space in front of her.
“I just wanted you to know,” she began again with a small voice, before turning her body around so that she was totally facing me. She raised her head to make an eye-contact, which I managed to note in a brief second that her eyes were a bit glassy.
“I missed you.”
Upon hearing those words, shudders instantly ran down my spine, for I could also feel the sincerity that was shown from her eyes—her pair of honest eyes.
“I really did.” She lowered her gaze for a moment, and seemed to weigh her next words. After a few seconds, she finally said out what was on her mind with a weak smile, “Thank you for the walk tonight. Have a great day tomorrow.”
I didn’t receive a single text message from her the next day, and the days following it.
[ A/N ]
It didn't come out as good as I wanted it to be. I might revise this sometime later.
Update (12th Jan) : Revised!
New subscribers: AquaGreenMarine, Meera2311
Thank you so much! For subscribing, and others too, for reading. Feedback are very much welcomed.
Posted: 09/01/2014, 03:15
Last changes made: 20/02/2014, 23:45
Comments