Ten

Present Day

Still sitting on the bench at the university’s public park, I let out a light sigh at the memories when I first met Hyun Ae.

The memories somehow changed to a train of thoughts that played out the comparison between the two ladies: Hyun Ae and Aeri.

Both couldn’t handle spicy food well and preferred not having carbonated drinks. Both girls’ favourite movie genre was neither fluffy nor plain romantic. While the younger of the two, Aeri, liked horror movies; Hyun Ae had always enjoyed those with actions in them.

The two of them had equally bad habits at purchasing their respective favourite items. Aeri had the habit of buying cute and small things—wrist accessories and small pouches being some of them—but ended up using them only once. The older, on the other hand, had the tendency to buy newly released books from her favourite authors, even though she knew she hadn’t finished reading quite a number of books that she previously bought.

However.

Those were the only things that both of them had in common. Ironically.

Hyun Ae had the habit of cracking her knuckles especially when she was deep in thought, while Aeri totally despised the action. “It’ll crinkle your fingers!” the latter would claim, furrowing her eyebrows in disgust when she happened to see anyone doing it.

Aeri was fairly good with directions. Thus, I could totally rely on her if we happened to lose our way and end up being at a foreign place. Hyun Ae was the total opposite. Due to her forgetful nature, she wouldn’t be able to correctly recall the lanes that we just went through. She would make up something and say, “ah yes, I think I saw these paintings on the wall when we passed through.” Those words, even though uttered quite loudly, always sounded unsure and ended with a non-confident trail, or a ‘hmm’. It was more like ensuring herself that despite such situations, it would be all right if we lost ways. “We can always ask around,” she would chime.

Despite her flaw in memorizing things, however, Hyun Ae was considerably attentive to the people around her. Even though I never told her—and I was trying to be subtle too—she could tell that I didn’t like having green vegetables in my food. She voluntarily took them every time I set the said ingredients aside, claiming that she liked eating green vegetables. She never hesitated on sharing some of her food too. She even placed a few scoops of her food on my plate, if she noticed that I had been taking a few glances at her food. One more thing that I took note about her was that she always finished the food that she ordered.

“Don’t you think it’s a waste?” she had once addressed the topic, while concentrating on her plate as she separated her food into portions, making sure that the most delicious one would be savored last. “Waste of money, waste of the cook’s effort. Plus, I feel like I’m being ungrateful for not finishing the food that’s already on my plate.”

It was totally unlike Aeri. “Ladies,” she said while pointing her chopsticks towards the plate in front of her, as if to emphasize her words, “should always leave some food behind.” I always wondered where she obtained the principle. For some reasons, she wouldn’t let me have the still edible and decent-looking leftovers too.

Aeri wasn’t exactly fond of talking to strangers. Even a simple task such as asking the price of a cup of ddukbeokki from a street vendor, she refused to do it herself. Very often, she shoved me to ask the seller instead. She also disliked being alone. She felt extremely insecure if she happened to be alone in public. I remembered when I felt extremely embarrassed for having to accompany her buying accessories, shoes, and clothes in shops full of women. She even forced me to wait for her in front of the female washroom when she was in there. She threatened to sulk and cut off contacts if I refused. However, after some time, I was able to get used to it.

Hyun Ae, on the other hand, was an independent lady and didn’t mind being left alone. In fact, she would appear puzzled upon noticing that I would be tailing her to almost everywhere. Like that one instance when she bewilderedly asked, “You want to enter as well?” when I still followed her as she was entering an accessories shop. “I’ll be fine on my own. Plus, it’s an all-girls’ shop, oppa, haha.” The faint dimple on her right cheek would appear. “Won’t you feel embarrassed? You can walk around while I’m in here, there must be a shop nearby that might interest you. I’ll send you a text when I’m done, alright?” she assured me before entering the said shop.

The two’s attitude in this aspect was so different that I had difficulties to get adjusted to Hyun Ae’s way sometimes. Very often, I blurted out “Are you sure you don’t want me to accompany you?” in a demanding manner to her. To which she responded by raising her eyebrows a little and staring at me blankly, probably wondering as to why I wasn’t convinced even after she assured me that she would be fine by her own. Her expression became bewildered when the question was—accidentally—asked when she excused herself to go to the washroom.

The play of comparisons between Aeri and Hyun Ae suddenly snapped, when I felt someone running in front of me. In fact, the figure ran past me in a close distance it had effectively chased away the train of thoughts that were running in my own mind.

A petite girl, with her frail arms laden with a number of thick books, had just run past me and was heading to the bench next to the one I was occupying. Judging from the student pass that was hung around her neck, she was presumably a student at my university. Upon reaching her intended destination, she screeched to a stop in front of the said bench, in which, another girl in a black hoodie was already seated.

“I’m sorry I’m late!” the rushing, petite girl blurted out as she placed the heavy load in her arms onto the empty space next to her companion. She then bent her body forward in front of the latter, with her hands placed over her own knees as she panted heavily.

My attention was somehow attracted to the scene, and so I decided to watch a few moments more. I was in the listening distance too, hence I was able to capture their conversation.

From the bored expression that was etched on the face of the girl with the black hoodie, it was clear that she wasn’t exactly pleased by the other’s lateness. While nonchalantly checking her nails and exhaling audibly, she replied in a monotonous tone that she was okay with it and that it wasn’t like it was the first time it happened anyway. She further added that she certainly didn’t mind for having to wait for another century until the other arrived.

I managed a weak smile at the sight, somehow feeling familiar.

Aeri was always like that—like the petite girl who was running late. Tardiness had always been an issue with her; she always had a problem with managing her time. Except, I didn’t make sarcastic remarks like the girl in the black hoodie. Instead, I purposely came thirty minutes later than the promised time.

Hyun Ae, on the other hand, was always punctual.

My mind was directed to the main root of how it all began; how Hyun Ae was able to know about the existence of the younger.

How it began in the form of certain notes in my phone.

I actually noticed that Hyun Ae wasn’t one to invade another person’s privacy. Never once did she demand me to give my phone to her and do a random spot check on it. She never asked for my phone’s password too. She once said, “I trust you, oppa, and I want to respect you that way.” In fact, every time I was on the phone, she distanced herself from me, allowing me to have some space while talking to whoever it was on the other line.

She was kind, so kind that I took advantage of her kindness. Which explains my stupid decision of putting the notepad icon at my phone’s home screen. The notepad containing digital notes that I composed on sleepless nights of just remembering Aeri.

The stupidity that eventually led to Hyun Ae’s discovery about Aeri.

I was then reminded by the minimum contact that we had on the days following the phone notes incident. It was totally understandable if she sent those messages of “you don’t have to pick me up today” on a certain purpose: to avoid from seeing me.

Hyun Ae’s interrogation regarding Aeri left me a deep impression. I don’t think I would ever forget that night, where my cowardice got the better of me, where I couldn’t properly respond to any of her questions.

Then came her letter.

‘I don’t know... Are you trying to change me to her? Am I not good enough for being myself? Can’t you love me for who I am, oppa?’

‘I feel like I’m the only one who’s committed to this relationship. And I can honestly say that I feel like giving up.’

I could feel anger, disappointment, and sadness coming from the letter.

‘I know how close you are with your mum, but surprisingly, she doesn’t know who Ricky is.’

Unexpectedly, out of all people, Mum was another major lead to Hyun Ae’s knowledge about Aeri.

But who would expect that she would end the letter in an understanding manner?

‘I still treasure this relationship.’

‘I understand if you’re still haunted by her. She could have been your first love.’

The encounter with Chanhee Hyung flashed in my mind once again. Remembering it, I was immediately reminded to the other guys in our circle of friends.

Truthfully, I had never brought Hyun Ae to meet them, and introduce her properly to them. I only shared a picture on how she looked like. It wasn’t because I feared that Hyun Ae wouldn’t be able to mingle with them. That was actually a no problem to her since Hyun Ae could generally get herself adjusted to people, even to those whom she barely knew.

In fact, it was Chanhee Hyung’s possible scornful look towards Hyun Ae that made me feel reluctant of bringing the latter to our monthly get-togethers. Considering the fact that he was against my relationship with Hyun Ae, there was a possibility that he would ignore the latter during the entire hangout. In all honesty, I didn't want Hyun Ae to feel uncomfortable around Chanhee Hyung's cold shoulders.

Back to the recent encounter with Chanhee Hyung, something struck me, however. A certain sentence that came from him totally caught me off-guard.

“If I were her, I would do the same thing as well.”

From the statement itself, Chanhee Hyung was indirectly saying that Hyun Ae’s decision on ‘leaving’ me, who was still reminded of Aeri even when I was dating the older lady, was the wisest thing to make.

For him to take Hyun Ae’s side even though he had never possibly met her, nor had a conversation with her, the statement that he uttered was totally unexpected.

Another thought crossed my mind afterward: that Chanhee Hyung knew that I was lying. We had known each other since childhood after all. It was evident from the long pause that he had before responding to my explanation—my so-called explanation about my ‘breakup’.

It did make me feel bad for bad-mouthing Hyun Ae.

A sigh escaped my lips, for the nth time that day, as if trying to release the pent-up tension inside me. I straightened my gaze past the water fountain, and to the setting sun. White clouds were starting to reflect the colour of the reddening sun. As per nature, the sky would follow suit, turning its light blue colour to darker streaks, gradually turning the day into night. I looked around the university’s park. Visitors were starting to bustle towards the park’s entrance-exit to go home. Even the bench that was previously occupied by the bickering girls duo was already empty.

I let my gaze linger at the view at the said entrance-exit. Figures. So many receding figures.

It felt extremely familiar somehow, like I had seen the sight before.

I was instantly reminded by the disappearing figures of both Aeri and Hyun Ae on two certain occasions.

Both occurred in different public parks. But they still took place in a common setting. A park.

I still remembered Hyun Ae’s retreating figure that left me, just three days before the letter came. I still remembered how she exhaled audibly when noting that I couldn’t properly respond to any of her questions about Aeri. I still remembered her glassy eyes when she said that she missed me. It was evident from her droopy shoulders that she was heartbroken. The trust that she had probably harboured on me was shattered.

Who wouldn’t be disheartened upon realizing that you were only a tool? A rebound?

Aeri’s receding figure, on the other hand, didn’t show any hint of sympathy or regret at all. It was clearly shown from her quick, confident strides and the fact that a back glance towards me wasn’t even spared. It was as if she had been planning on leaving me all along. She even changed her phone number, clearly cutting off any form of contact.

In fact, Aeri did seem to be changing towards the end of our relationship—the ending that was decided by her alone. She would always decline when I proposed a date on a weekend. Even when I tempted to bring her to her favourite shopping malls or attraction places, she would always say that she was not interested and she preferred to spend the time with her friends.

I was blind to see those changes; I refused to accept the fact that she was getting bored with our relationship.

'Those hugs and goodnight kisses. Was I really the one in your embraces?’ Hyun Ae had written in her letter.

‘Ricky Oppa, I had been calling you. Was I the one in your vision when I called you that name?’

‘It was as if you were expecting someone else, but you ended up seeing me.’

She was right. I didn’t see Hyun Ae as herself. I was hoping I was seeing Aeri instead. I always convinced myself that the one accompanying me the whole time was Aeri, not Hyun Ae.

Those tinges of familiarity that I felt when I first met Hyun Ae? That was me still deeply infatuated with Aeri. Hyun Ae’s dimple, huge tote bag, and manicured nails…all of them reminded me of Aeri. I never saw Hyun Ae as herself.

After realizing their differences, Hyun Ae never held a strong resemblance to Aeri. It was only me who was being delusional.

Never once did Hyun Ae have mint green painted nails. In fact, she personally found nail painting to be bothersome and time-consuming. She loved having short and decently manicured nails but certainly, she never had them painted.

Unlike Aeri, Hyun Ae didn’t have a pair of deep dimples adorning both her cheeks. She only had a faint dimple on her right cheek that could only be seen when she smiled.

Certainly, since Hyun Ae never changed her natural black-coloured hair, she had never had dark brown hair—the colour that I had always adored when it’s on Aeri.

Certainly, Hyun Ae never tapped the car dashboard as a sign that we were late for the events that we were attending, because she was always punctual.

Certainly, Hyun Ae never scribbled any paper whenever she was upset. She rarely let it out even; and kept the thoughts to herself, like what she did after she found out about the notes in my phone.

In comparison to Aeri, Hyun Ae was certainly more mature to the younger in many ways. She was much better than Aeri. It was an easy conclusion in anyone’s eyes. And that had made her a better replacement.

But I failed to see that.

“You weren’t ready yet,” Chanhee Hyung had said.

True, I wasn’t ready to move on. In fact, I was scared of moving on. I hastily got into a new relationship in the hopes that I could forget Aeri, but the truth was, I was never prepared to let go of her.

“I still treasure this relationship. I still treasure you.” Hyun Ae had stated in her letter.

“Let me help you move on. Will you let me have this second chance?”

“It’s either me or her.”

I’m sorry, Hyun Ae.

I give up.

You’re a nice girl, hurting you once was enough.

I'm sorry.

You deserve someone else, someone who is far better than me.

Please understand me for not being able to say I love you.

I brought both palms to my face, eventually letting a trail of tears seep through my fingers.

Because I was rooted, regretfully. Deeply rooted.

[A / N]: