I have been brokenhearted. Not just once, twice neither thrice. I have experienced being broken for so many times I can't even remember how many. I have experienced drowning myself to the cold alcohol drinks I'd order at my favorite bar. I remember how many times I've tried to end my life but failed miserably. I remember how many times I had shouted at everyone because of a simple mistake they did. I remember feeling alone and cold inside my room. I remember abandoning people who are important to me. 

 

 

 

 

 

And I also remember that among those times, my Best friend was there to help me. My best friend was there with me drinking my favorite alcoholic drinks. My best friend was there, laughing at me whenever I fail trying to kill myself. I remember my best friend shouting at me when I suddenly snaps at somebody. My best friend was there watching tv while I was sulking in the corner of my room, feeling alone and depressed. My best friend was there, every time. Even the time when even my best friend was abandoned by everyone because she stayed at my side. Then, without knowing it, I had abandoned her too. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Yah! Kim Joonmyun! There are a lot of girls in the world! Don't cry just because one of them dumped you. Or ten in the matter, but move on idiot! Life's not gonna stop until you move on! " 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember her saying that. Even if it sounded harsh on other people's ears, it brought a smile to my tear stricken face. That was her favorite line. Among all of the things she said to me, i remember this the most. Because it kept me thinking that I'll find someone new. I always will. 

 

 

 

 

 

" Piece of advice Suho, don't cry when somebody's around. " 

 

 

 

 

 

And among all of those lines she said, this has got to be my favorite. It told me that I can cry. I can cry a hundred times, a thousand times. But I need to make sure that nobody sees me. Because I don't gain love and care. I only gain pity and sympathy. I don't need those. 

 

 

 

 

 

" You know, in a fight, the one who attacks is the one who is afraid of losing, and the one who blocks is the one who is afraid of dying. " 

 

 

 

 

I remember those coming out of her lips when I was involved in a scandal because one of my colleagues had spread a rumor about me and all I did was to avoid being questioned. I had clearly seen myself as the one who blocks because I'm afraid of losing my job as an idol which would also mean the death of my dreams. I had admired her words of wisdom. I had remembered every single one of it. 

 

 

 

 

" When people takes a step forward, they can never ever undo it. They can try looking back, they can try taking a step backward or they can try just doing nothing at all. But the time it consumed to take that step will become useless if you don't take another. " 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was doubting about being a trainee when I had already joined SMEnt, she told me this. She told me even if I back out, i had wasted a very special part of my life which is time. She had told me that I can't take back that time anymore so I just have to continue training so that that time won't be worthless. It would be fruitful at the end. Which was right when I had debuted. The time I took for training had been a very big help to getting where I am now. 

 

 

 

 

" The beat of your heart is different from the ticking you hear from the clock. But it held the same meaning. " 

 

 

 

 

 

I had asked her to measure my heartbeat and she kept looking at the clock. I asked if it has the same rhythm and she told me that sometimes it does. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower. But she asked me a question, why was I hearing the ticking of the clock and why was my heart beating. I was speechless for a while before she patted my head and said, " Because you're living, idiot. " 

 

 

 

 

" Everything is not how they always look like. " 

 

 

 

 

Back when I was so depressed because I had accused my friend that he is an arrogant and cocky basketball player because he always had this arrogant look on his face, Sunny told me to apologize. Of course I was guilty but apologizing was not what my pride told me to do. Because he looks like one of those guys who used to bully me at school, who were always wearing their jerseys and have this arrogant look on their faces, i had accidentally told one of my schoolmates that he is just like them when he had bumped me in the corridor. Turns out that he is really kind and humble but he got angry at me because I didn't get to know him better and just accused him. Sunny told me this. That i can't always be fooled by what's outside. That I also need to look inside before I speak. 

 

 

 

 

" You know, why does people say they love the rain but they uses an umbrella whenever it pours?" 

 

 

 

 

She had asked me that. I was confused and curious but I gave her an answer that everyone else would give. 

 

 

 

 

" Because they're afraid to get wet? " 

 

 

 

 

That was my simple answer then. She laughed at me but she gave her own answer. 

" Of course they're afraid to get wet! But, I'm curious as to why they said they love the rain when they know that being in the rain definitely makes one person wet? " she laughed. 

 

 

 

 

I had never understand it then. But she made me understand. She made me realize it. She made me understand why those people are not really the ones who love the rain. 

 

 

 

 

 

It happened when I was a trainee, i was in love with the idea of falling in love. I knew that, she knew that, we both knew that. I was so engrossed in courting someone that when we broke up, i immediately became a walking dead. Talking, moving, doing things but blank. And she told me, since I was so eager on falling in love, why didn't I thought of the fact that we may break up? That's when I understood what she was trying to say. 

 

 

 

 

" Never say you love something if you're afraid of the consequences it might bring, because loving something means accepting everything in between. " 

 

 

 

 

She didn't directly said it but I got it nonetheless. 

 

 

 

 

 

And her words of wisdom list goes on. 

 

 

 

 

 

But then she came to me one day, she was saying how everybody hates her and she kept crying. Unlike what she told me, i didn't feel pity nor sympathy. Instead, I felt protective. That even from the cool facade she puts on a lot, inside her is a fragile little girl who needs love and protection. And I swore to her and to God that I would protect her with all of my life. My best friend. 

 

 

 

 

But it all changed, when she told me the words I was dreading to hear. She told me she love me. 

I couldn't believe it. My best friend loves me. Right from the start, we made it clear the nobody's gonna fall, but she broke it. And instead of getting angry at me, shouting at me, or even crying, she only smiled and patted my head. 

 

 

 

 

" I was expecting this kind of reaction from you. Good thing this is what I had received. I would've been surprised if you weren't angry. Anyway, I had ruined a very good friendship didn't I? Don't worry about it. I'm not even expecting anything. " 

 

 

 

 

She told me that. Smiling as if nothing's wrong. But when I looked at her eyes, I can see the unshed tears. I can see through her facade. But I didn't do anything. I was angry at her. 

 

 

 

 

 

For falling in love with me.

 

 

 

 

The next day I couldn't look at her straight. I felt awkward and anxious. What if she give meaning to everything we do? What if she mistook the things I used to do? There are a lot of what ifs that I don't know if I can still find the answers to it. I had started avoiding her. I can see her walk alone because everybody hates her. Because they all think she's a who stole me from them. I was famous before I even debuted, and when people knew that she was my best friend, they all started hating her. 

 

 

 

 

 

That days turned to weeks, and weeks to months. Even if I was avoiding her, I made sure nobody would hurt her. Because everyday, when I see her walking alone, I could clearly see her eyebags and her puffy eyes. I started to miss her presence and her cheering words. I started missing her laughs and smiles because I barely see them. She had tried to talk to me, to tell me that nothing has changed from what we were before. But i kept on avoiding her. Hiding every time I see her near. It was hurting me. But I knew she was hurting more. 

 

 

 

 

And then one day, I just couldn't take it that I confronted her. I told her the same thing she told me. 

 

 

 

" Yah! Lee Soonkyu! There are a lot of boys in the world! Don't cry just because one of them dumped you. Or your bestfriend in the matter, but move on idiot! Life's not gonna stop until you've moved on! " 

 

 

 

 

I had shouted that at her. I remember her horrified face. Her face. Tears were welling up then but she smiled nonetheless. And as quietly as she can, she left. Since then, she stopped going near me and insisting we bring our friendship back. Since then, she had really stopped smiling. She stopped being what she was called. Sunny. She eats alone, she walks alone, she reads alone. Everything, she does it alone. She has no family, she's also probably home alone. And that made me guilty. I was the only one she had, but I pushed her away, and now, she has no one. 

 

 

 

 

There was also one day when I was walking along the park. Just counting all the stars I can see. But when I reached the part where one bench is hidden from everybody's sight, I heard a sob. I halted my steps then took a peek. There, I saw her. 

 

 

 

 

I saw her sitting on the bench, crying. Her earphones were blasting that I could even hear the sounds from it. What played was our theme song as best friends. I easily recognize it. She was even singing along to it. Even though her voice was breaking, even though her tears were spilling, she continued singing. I started singing along too knowing she can't even hear me. She was doing what she told me. Never cry when there's somebody around. 

 

 

 

 

When the song ended, I saw a faint smile on her lips. It pained me to see her trying to be strong. She was smiling through the tears. And it pained me more. But I couldn't do anything. I'm just a coward. Just like she said, she knows that loving her own best friend would eventually lead to this but she didn't became afraid. Instead, she accepted it because it was her fate, and her mistake. She took her step forward and she didn't back out. Because in one way or another, this is where she'll end up. To not make her time worthless, she pursued her love for me. But She was wrong with everything is not how they always look like. At least to her. Because just like any other story, she was a girl who fell in love with her bestfriend. A bestfriend who can't love her back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has been so long. So long since the last time we had talked. Until the day before our debut. I was so happy I had ignored everything else and just be in my own little world. I was so absorbed in my happiness that I didn't notice a car heading my way. But again, as always. 

 

 

 

 

 

She was there to save me. I didn't even know she was there beside me.

 

 

 

 

 

Time had stopped for me that time. When I saw her lying on the cold pavement of the road. There was blood everywhere. And we were on a deserted highway. 

 

 

 

 

 

I immediately kneeled before her and saw her open her eyes. She smiled a little then I held her hand. 

 

 

 

 

" S-soonkyu-ah! I'm gonna the ambulance okay? Hang on okay? " I told her and she only nodded. 

 

 

 

 

I dialed the emergency number while still holding her hand. I didn't want to let go of it. I'm afraid of what might happen. 

 

 

 

 

 

The speaker said an ambulance is on their way. I started cursing the driver who hit her for running away. And i cursed myself for always needing to be saved. 

 

 

 

 

" Sunny, hang in there okay? They said help is gonna come so you need to be awake okay? " i told her again but she just nodded. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Answer me please, I beg you. ' my head screamed that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Joonmyun-ah. " 

 

 

 

 

 

I heard her call my name. Barely a whisper. 

 

 

 

 

 

" n-neh? " 

 

 

 

 

 

" Can you measure my heartbeat? " 

 

 

 

 

 

" N-neh. " what was surprising was she could speak clearly even though it would be inaudible if you don't listen closely. And I was the one who was stammering. 

 

 

 

 

 

I did as I was told then looked at my watch. All of a sudden, i felt suffocated and unsure. 

 

 

 

 

 

I counted her heartbeat while looking at my watch, the ticking sound seemed to became louder as her heartbeat became slower. And slower. 

 

 

 

 

 

The ticking kept ringing in my head that I immediately let go of her hand. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I didn't know why. They started to roll and I looked at her. She was still smiling. 

 

 

 

 

 

" Y-you f-felt it d-didn't y-you? " she tried to talk. Blood started coming out from . 

 

 

 

 

 

" Please don't talk. Jebal. " 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember pleading her to stop talking. To save her energy so that she'll still be awake until the ambulance comes. But she shook her head and looked at me straight in the eye which made me cry more. I can see the pain and the sadness in her eyes. And I couldn't even do anything about it. I could just watch there and cry. 

 

 

 

 

 

" You already know the similarity between a tick of the clock and the beat of the heart right? Do you want to know how it differ? " she asked me then. I couldn't understand why she was talking but I nodded. 

 

 

 

 

 

" They differ in what they call out. The clock, it calls out the time. How long a human is going to live. The heart, it calls out a name. How long is a human going to love. And mine, it calls out to you. And until this last breath, i'll tell you. " 

 

 

 

 

 

I continued crying there like an idiot and kept holding her hand. 

 

 

 

 

 

Jebal. 

 

 

 

 

 

Jebal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Was what I had repeatedly prayed. I closed my eyes then kissed her hand, her forehead. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Joonmyun-ah................ Saranghae............. " 

 

 

 

 

 

Those were her last words, before her clock stopped ticking, and her heart stopped beating. 

Her lifeless hand would have fallen if I hadn't hold on to it. I checked for her pulse a hundred times but it just doesn't work. It just doesn't. And as if the sky felt the pain and regret I was feeling, it rained. 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, I still remember that night as clear as yesterday. it was a night full of pain, regret, anger, agony and sadness. That night was so cold. It was so lifeless. 

 

 

 

 

 

But I still continued my debut the next day because Sunny would probably be angry at me if I don't.  

 

 

 

Everybody found out about it. They all felt sorry. They all felt pity. Sympathy. Something I don't need. Because out of all the things, I needed Sunny. I needed her. It was the same night that I realized why I was so sorrowful that she died. It was because I love her. Loved her more than a bestfriend. Perhaps I had felt it a long time ago but didn't acknowledge it. But i was more sorrowful because of myself. That because of me, I lost somebody so important to me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here I am now, in front of the crowd. Singing. This was hers and my dream. For me to sing in front  of a lot of people. It has been a year since her death. And a year since we debuted. But it all felt like yesterday as her smile and words were kept in my memory.

 

 

 

 

 

It's only now that I realize that I was the one who was blocking and she was the one who was fighting. But we were doing it for the same reason. We were both afraid of losing. Me, afraid of losing our friendship, she, afraid of losing me. But what come of it. Someone died. 

 

 

 

 

And right then and there. 

 

 

 

 

 

In front of the crowd,

 

 

 

 

 

Our fans, 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cried. 

 

____________

 

” Suho-ah! You have such a beautiful name you know that? You are like a guardian to me. You were always there to listen to my self proclaimed words of wisdom. I wish you were living them though. I'm sorry i broke our vow not to fall. I couldn't help it, you are handsome. And caring and funny. You always lighten up my mood. You may not know anything but I am so happy I met you. You're like a ray of light to me. You have done so many things for me that I know you're not aware of. Anyway, I hope we reconcile our friendship. I don't want to lose you. Yes I made a mistake on falling for you but I'm not forcing you to love me like I do to you. But please listen to me ok? My heart and my clock keeps calling out your name! ^____^ chingu-ah. Mianhanda. See you tomorrow okay?" 

 

 

 

 

 

" Sunny, you know you're delightful as your name signifies. I miss you Sunny. Please come back to me okay? I keep seeing you in my dreams. I know you have a small size but how come you fit in my heart? Jebal, please come back. Nobody will be there to scold me now. Nobody will be there to laugh at me when I fail. Nobody will pat my head. I always remember what you said. I always remember you. Pity, people always give me pity. They don't understand Sunny. You're the one I need. Can't they give you to me? Sunny, it hurts to accept the fact that you're not here with me. Hearing the same ticking of the clock and our hearts beating at the same time. I will never know how it feels to be loved by you. Even if a year had passed, i still yearn for your presence. I still yearn for you words and care. I still yearn for your love. I wish i never have to be saved. I was named a guardian yet I was the who needs to be guarded. I also didn't want to lose you but I did. Forgive me for everything I did. I really do wish I can see you tomorrow. Saranghae. " 

 

 

 

 

 

" Suho-ah, please be happy. For me. " 

 

 

__________

 

Fin~

 

I didn't use a certain song for this one. But reading it while listening to the song Kiss the Rain by Yiruma is cool right? ^____^ 

 

Thanks for supporting my one shot collection. I think it might take long before I can update this again. I'm trying to make an update for my other story. Mianhae. :(

 

Please let me know if there are unclear things.