My feelings are uncertain as to which way they should go. Should they walk down a path of bewilderment? Should they frolic through a route of happiness? Should they drown in a miry bog of both expressions, until a beauty like Nari – that is, Ada – saves me?

The truth is that I do not know, and that is the scariest thing of all.

“Are you all right?” She asks.

“I’m fine,” I reply. “Let’s get moving.”

“You won’t teach me anymore?”

“Later.”

Although she grumbles, she listens. We are then on our way to nowhere once more, and I purposefully lead us down rabbit trails to extend my time with her as well as grant my mind more space to think.

I watch her skip ahead of me. Even in her dirty clothes, she shines with a beauty that cannot be encapsulated or restrained by accessories and adornments. In her smile, I see the same spirit I saw in Ada. There is no denying who she is. How I did not discover the truth sooner is a mystery to me. I suspect I was afraid to notice, because with truth comes responsibility.

I have her at this moment. All of her.

I could do anything with what I know. I could take us to the base like I originally planned. I could return her to the Capital, regain and enforce my reputation as her bodyguard, and become a traitor to my brothers. I could keep her captive for myself. I could take her to a town where I can watch over her, and she can live a simple life while I protect her.

But those are all fantasies, and I mock reality by romanticizing it.

“Do you think we will be able to return to the Capital soon?”

“I will tell you when it’s time,” I answer.

When evening comes, we eat with our backs against trees. Our hunger grows daily. One can only be content with nature’s unaltered gifts for so long.

I haven’t stopped looking at her since I found out who she is. She is harsher, yet softer; and I cannot discern whether she will accept me for who I am or whether she has chosen to forget the boy who abandoned her. Suddenly I have too many masks, too many disguises, and too many secrets, and as the hours join us in a slow passing of time, I realize that I want at least one person to understand every facet of mine – even those that cannot be seen.

“Tao.”

“Yes?”

“I told you a bit of myself earlier today. I was wondering if you could do the same.”

Nervous, I readjust my position on the ground. “I’m not sure it is as interesting as yours.”

She smiles. “Surprise me.”

You don’t want the surprise I have to offer, Nari.

“You can ask me to tell you one thing, but I’ll only tell you that one thing. A guardian must have his secrets.”

“Well,” she ponders, “then I’ll ask you this. Did you grow up alone?”

I think of the Nights, Chen, and even Ada and her mother who nurtured me when I was a talentless, injured boy. I was never alone, yet I grew up lonely. “Yes.”

“Even in Haw, you didn’t make close friends? Is training that strict? Were you allowed to meet other people, girls even?”

“You’re asking three more questions than we agreed.”

“They’re particular to the topic,” she argues. “Did you?”

I yawn. “I didn’t make several friends. I had no need for them. As for women,” I glance at her, “I only knew a couple.”

“Were you ever infatuated with a girl while you trained?”

“Yes. But she disappeared. I promised myself I wouldn’t commit to anyone besides her.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she scoffs. “If she disappeared, there’s no guarantee you’ll find her again.”

“But I did find her,” I murmur as I brazenly meet her eyes. “She’s become unreachable.”

“In what way?”

“No matter how far I stretch to reach her, I know that she’ll always be farther still.”

“You don’t know that. She might stop moving forward if you asked her to.”

“Then perhaps I’ll ask her when I see her.”

“It’s always a good idea to try,” she suggests.

“You seem familiar with these type of situations.”

“Unrequited love is my forte,” she laughs. “I had quite a lot of those in the Capital. Nobody ever returned my affections. I think I was too imperfect.”

“They don’t know how to value things that are truly precious, then. The things in life that are the most valuable are always the most easily forgotten.”

“I’m happy,” she shrugs. “Truthfully, I’m like you. I’m waiting for someone, too.”      

“Your friend, Zee.”

“That was a perfect guess,” she responds. “Yes, actually. I adored him. He was strong, smart, brash, and unpredictable. He acted as if he were immortal, yet when I looked at him, he was more fragile than any human.” Nari rubs her arms for warmth. “I knew he had to leave our town eventually, so I wanted to tell him something, but I never got the chance.”

“You wanted to tell him you liked him.”

“More than that. I wanted to say thank you for trusting me, and for letting me trust him.”

I’m suffocating with guilt. I want to tell her. I will tell her.

“Nari.”

“Yes?”

“If you were to meet him again, what would you do?”

With her eyes on the ground, she says, “I would be angry, I think. But it would only last for so long.”

“You said you don’t remember his face.”

She shakes her head, “No.”

“Entertain this notion,” I urge. “What if I were Zee?”

Skeptic, she says, “That’s impossible.”

“Tell me what you would do if I were Zee. You just found out that I had lied all this time about who I was and that I am, in fact, that boy who simultaneously saved and deserted you.”

Quietly, she murmurs, “I’d be too shocked to say anything. So then I’d hit him.”

“You’d hurt him,” I grin.

“Yes, because he taught me to communicate with my fists.”

That’s not true, but I will agree to it.

“When you’re angry, you can practice hitting me.”

“Hit you? I can’t hit my own bodyguard.”

I open my arms to the world around me. “Look. We aren’t in the Capital. We aren’t near the Capital. You can be anything, Nari. A daughter. A leader. A girl. I would still protect you.”

“All right,” she sighs, “but only because you’re telling me to.” She stands up, and so I stand up with her. With my arms still open, I welcome her to hit me. She hesitates, but then she forms a fist and punches my stomach. Awkwardly, she laughs. “That was harder than I thought.”

“I think Zee might be angry, too, after you did that.”

“Most likely.”

“But he would let you hit him again. And again. Because he knows he deserves it.” I step forward. She doesn’t draw back. I take another step. “He’d make sure he was the easiest target.” Inches away from her, I stop. I notice she is hardly breathing. “He’d want you to do it.” I take her hand and press it against my chest, right above my heart. “He’d want you to hurt him, because he’s sorry.”

I’m sorry, Nari. I’m sorry.

“I don’t know that he would,” she looks away.

“Trust me,” I whisper. “He would.” I lean forward. Her eyes quickly close in anticipation, and a flutter of mirth escapes me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to kiss her. She’s glowing.

But seconds before I kiss her, centimeters before our lips meet, I pause. I’m overwhelmed with feelings of dishonesty. I don’t want to kiss her as Tao, her bodyguard. I want to kiss her as Tao, the boy she knew as Zee. I want to kiss her as a man who can tell her the truth without hiding.

And so I drop her hand. I step away. I turn around before I can see her face. I sit down by the tree once more, and with a half-hearted mumble, I announce that I am going to sleep.

With her and without her, I am a fool. But I have to take her away from me before I become a fool who is buried in lies.

Tomorrow, I will deliver her to the base.

-----

“Let’s go,” I shake Nari’s shoulders. “Today is the day.”

She groans before standing up and rubbing her eyes. “Where?”

“The Capital,” I say in hopes that what almost transpired last night will flee her mind.

“Really?” She excitedly asks. “It’s time.”

“We’ll be there by noon. We won’t be stopping.”

I don’t purposefully reroute us anymore. As intentional as I have been in my training, I lead her to the base. We walk without talking. She joyfully hums to herself with the prospect of returning home, and I can only frown as I know that her mood will change drastically once she sees where I have led her.

In my mistakes, I have no right to love. The only right I have is to aid the Nights in their victory.

In two hours, we enter the outskirts of the Nights’ vicinity. I see what Nari does not; Nights laying in shadows, crouching against the ground, their eyes trained on us and their weapons ready to fly.

“We’re almost there,” I warn. In a few minutes, we will be in the most heavily guarded area of the base.

“When?”

“Right,” I answer, bracing myself for the look of betrayal in her eyes, “now.”

In less than three seconds, knives from every side blaze through the forest and cut straight into the ground at our feet. Nari screams and reaches for me. I evade her grip and wait for the tide of knives to cease.

One by one, the Nights reveal themselves. Among them is Han, who awards me with the most triumphant smile.

“That was impressive,” I say.

“We enjoyed ourselves while you were gone,” Han replies.

“What’s happening?” Nari quivers. “Tao?”

Without blinking, I step out of the circle of knives and stand beside Han. He throws an arm around my shoulder and rubs my head. “You’ve truly grown up, Tao. Congratulations. You’ve brought us exactly what we needed at the time we needed it.” He steers me away from Nari. “Take her,” he says, and I hear the Nights rush to capture her.

I talk to Han so that I don’t have to listen to her shouts, but even then I can still hear her calling my name, just like the way she did when I left her in that burning city for my own benefit.

Nothing has changed. I’m still selfish. And for the second time, I’ve lost her.