Chapter 5

Double-Edged

 

When I first started learning wushu, my muscles became sore in places I didn’t know were possible. Sitting down would hurt. Even walking would hurt when I was still recuperating from being constantly taut. My body became accustomed to the new ways I stretched myself, and soon, doing the practices the official told us became less painful.

Despite being engrossed in the training, I still search for information and ways to leave Shin if the need arose. I don’t want to consider it, but I need a back-up plan in case Han and the Nights really don’t come to find me. I will wait for a month, three if I need it, until I leave Shin and return to the Nights.

There aren’t any ways to escape through the training camp. I already suspected that, but I still hoped there would be since I would be spending most of my time there. The stone walls are too high to scale and too thick to break. There are also officials guarding the camp, changing shifts when the other needs rest. Without equipment or assistance, I can’t use the training camp as my exit.

I need to get a weapon of some kind. I’ve felt without my belt of knives around me. In a way, not having knives supports my persona of being uninteresting. They would only fuel my aggression if they were so accessible.

I need a knife, and stealing one from the house is a bad idea. I can’t have the family think I would intentionally harm them in any way. I’m not going to place them in a situation where they will be forced to suspect me and I will be forced to retaliate.

That means there is only one place I can get a knife, and that’s from the camp. I enlist the help of Chen, who reluctantly agrees.

“You’re strange, so I won’t ask you why you want one,” he says, “but I’ll help you as long as I don’t get caught.”

“Deal,” I say, and we formulate a plan.

When the time comes for us to practice our knife throwing skills, Chen and I prudently walk toward the collection of knives. I take three and Chen takes three, and then he lets slip one knife from the bucket to the floor.

“Sorry,” he says, and picks it up as I take one of his three knives. Chen smiles at the official whilst holding the dropped knife, and then he walks away from the buckets with me.

“Do you have it?” He whispers. I nod and show him that I’ve hidden it underneath my shirt. “How are you going to keep that while we have our wushu lesson later?”

That’s right. Frustrated, I grip the handle of one of the knives tightly. This is why Han always thought I was incompetent. I gauged the future, but never far enough.

“Boot,” I say, pointing to my shoe.

“During the whole lesson?” He gapes. “Won’t that hurt?”

“It’ll be fine,” I say, even though I know it won’t. My old boots were taken from me and replaced with these thin boots that are unfit for carrying a knife. If I’m not careful, the knife will pierce right through the leather, and perhaps even my foot.

“All right,” Chen frowns.

I’m too worried about the next lesson to focus on hitting the target. When we eat lunch, I fit the knife as securely as possible into my boot. Chen watches me as he gulps his soup.

“You’re amazing.”

I look up.

“I wouldn’t know how to do that,” he points to my shoe. “That time with the knives, too. You never did it again, but you made every throw.”

I smile ruefully. Han wouldn’t agree with that statement.

We start our wushu lesson. I can’t concentrate during the first hour when the knife keeps my ankle straight, but after that, I learn to maneuver around it. If anyone were to stare at my feet, they would notice how one is stiffer than the other. I try to fake my flexibility as I exercise the moves. My arms are fluid but my legs are stiff, and unfortunately, my official notices.

“You,” he says. “Loosen up.” He harshly pats my calf, and I wince. “Again.” He is right next to me, so I push myself to move my legs suitably even as the handle of the knife rubs against my skin. I twist my foot too quickly, and the edge of the knife skins my ankle. I falter forward and hit the trainee in front of me. He whirls around with his hands up, ready to block his surprise attacker.

“Stay on your feet.” The official says. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know.”

“What?” He barks.

“I don’t know,” I bark back. I repeat, in a quieter tone, “I don’t know.”

“Run ten times around the field.”

I lean on my knees, catch a breath, and run.

I can feel the knife beat my ankle. I repeatedly look down to check if the blood has seeped through the leather, but I don’t see a spot of blood. I exhale and run the last round slowly.

By dusk, after accomplishing innumerable push-ups and sit-ups, I stumble to the house. As soon as I am out of the camp’s sight, I untie my boot and slip it off. It’s almost unbearable to take off because of how the leather sticks to my bloodstained skin. I grit my teeth and pull out the knife, which dug a shallow crevice into my ankle. I stand up and walk to the house barefooted.

Two girls run by me with mocking laughs on their faces. I glance at them but think nothing more until I pass by an alley, where I hear a crash. I walk into the narrow darkness. Leaning beside the brick wall is Ada. The bruise on her cheek has swelled and darkened. She looks up when she sees me.

“What are you doing here?” She angrily asks. “There’s a bath waiting for you at home.” She sees the boot in my hand and the bloody knife in the other. Although she has seen my knife, I feel numbly apathetic. “What did you do?”

“I think that what you did is cause for more concern than what I did,” I say, unable to stop myself from crouching on the ground to meet her eye level. “Did you hit yourself cleaning again?”

A breath of laughter eludes her lips. “Yes.”

“As I did,” I say calmly and wipe the knife on the ground. I show her my ankle, and a look of nausea takes her face. I stand. “Come on. Cleaning is over.”

She takes my hand and pulls herself up. She doesn’t speak until we arrive at her house, where she pushes the unlocked door open. She vanishes to her room, and I enter the bathroom to wash my body and tend my wound. I find a rag in the cupboard and tie it around my ankle after cleaning it, and then I go to my room and fall asleep.

I’ve always been a visceral person – Han would tease me for it – so I can’t disclaim that seeing Ada hurt worried me. I may not know her well, but I owe her for being gracious towards me. Not once has this family pleaded me to leave. They have treated me kindly, if not distantly. For a time, I colored their actions in shades of black, but now the line I’ve drawn between strangers and friends has blurred into an unusual color of gray.

Ada concerns me, and I blame my weak spirit for it.

-----

Before the sun rises, I change into my trainee clothes and scrupulously tie my bootlaces around the rag on my ankle. I reach out to open the door when it’s opened for me by a very wide-eyed Ada.

“Your leg,” she says. “How is it?”

She just stares at my face, not bothering to move, so I reply, “It’s actually my ankle.”

“What did you ‘clean’ last night that you got that?”

She is a lot more confident compared to the fallen girl yesterday. I have to laugh quietly at this.

“The knife.” I gently push her aside. “Which you didn’t see.”

“Just like you didn’t see me in the alley. Right? And if mum asks, you heard nothing about the bruise from me.”

So that’s why she came to my room. “I’m hungry,” I say.

“Here,” she says, giving me an apple. Before I can walk out of the house, she calls, “Thanks.”

I toss the apple, catch it, and smile.

Chen is already at the camp. I finish my apple, fling the core to the ground, and disregard his wave.

“How’s your knee?” He asks. I give him a look, and he corrects, “I meant, your ankle.”

“Great,” I say. I look up when he doesn’t say anything more. Perplexed, he stares at me. “What?”

“What is that?” He points. He touches my face.

“What’s what?”

“That,” he says and pokes the side of my mouth. “You’re smiling for real.”

I slap his hand away and rub my face until the smile goes away.

“Was it a good apple?” He snorts. I scowl at him, but he practically skips away. I predict he’ll be teasing me throughout the day for this, and sure enough, he does.

“You must eat very delicious apples.”

“Were they expensive?”

“You must have seen someone special this morning.” This one makes my mouth twitch, but I don’t say anything.

“Who is it?”

I threaten to throw a knife at him, and he protects himself with his bare arms. “Okay. I’m done. Sorry.” I throw the knife anyway, and he swears. It flies right past his head and into the target. He looks like I’ve placed his head on a cutting board, and I suppose that I did, in a way.

“If you want an apple so badly,” I say, preparing to throw another knife, “just tell me.” Chen scampers out of the way just as I aim for the target. I miss, but only because I let it.

“Why did you miss that one?” He puffs. “You could’ve missed the other one. It almost hit me! I heard it go straight for my ear!”

“You were hearing wrong,” I say, turning the handle of the last knife in my hand.

“You could’ve hit me,” he stammers.

“Didn’t,” I say and hurl the last knife. I hit the target, but I’m far from the main mark.

“You’re impossible,” he sighs, and I laugh. As soon as I notice that I’m laughing, I shut my mouth, but Chen has already heard it. “Hey. If you’re taking something, you have to tell me. It’s weird that you’re smiling.”

I scratch my chest and tear a few scabs from my scar in the process. I look down. I can’t believe I almost forgot about the tattoo.

“Zee,” Chen walks toward me. “You’re strange.”

No. I can’t permit myself to forget who I am. If I do, I’m going to lose track of the very reason that I am here. I can feel the scars throb, as if my long-ruined tattoo is complaining at my lack of ignominy.

“Zee – “

“Shut up.”

Startled, Chen shuts his mouth. I swallow and say, “There’s lunch.” I briskly stride toward the table, hoping in vain that he won’t follow me.

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Comments

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Osekop12 #1
Congrats on the feature!!
Galaxyboo_
#2
Chapter 32: This so GOOD! I CAN'T BELIVE I READ THIS IN ONE DAY?!
Galaxyboo_
#3
Chapter 22: shieeeeettttttt IM SCREAMING
Maddy_the_Lion
#4
Chapter 32: I like how this didn't follow the stereotypical fanfic storyline. I truly enjoyed it. Thank you.
sgrfhm #5
congrats
liquorandice #6
I don't read x OC fics that often but this is sooo nicee
I REALLY love that the storyline is focused on Tao himself and his growth rather than turning romance into the main thing. Officially one if my favs ❤ thank you for writing this! ^^
LocaLina
#7
Chapter 32: Chapter 32: Lemme just say that I LOVED IT!!!! So long since I’ve found a good Tao fic thank you!!!
sweet23d
#8
Congrats
rpforall_
#9
Congrats