“Have a drink, Tao.” Han signals a Night to fill an empty tankard. The Night hurriedly rushes to fill it and then, with awkward steps, serves the drink to me with his unsteady hands.

“Thank you,” I say, but he scurries away before he can hear me.

“You came at the right time,” Han says as he leans back in his chair and crosses his legs over its arm. “We were about to find you for ourselves. We didn’t know if you were playing it safe, or if you had run away.” He laughs. “Although there’s hardly anything you would gain by doing that.”

“I’ve had to train your kids in your place,” A man whose name I have forgotten says. “They’re all stubborn.”

Han replies, “We need to keep the girl away from those Capital rejects. They might acquire a sudden sense of patriotism and lose their loyalty to us.”
“I wouldn’t call it loyalty,” another Night comments. “We forced them out of their home.”

“I refer to that as grace,” Han says. “Nonetheless, I wouldn’t risk it. I need someone to make sure they aren’t anywhere near her.” He points at a Night sitting across from him. He eagerly walks away to follow Han’s orders.

“How does it feel to be a hero?” The Night who had been my substitute asks. “You’ve rewarded us with one of the greatest opportunities to destroy the Capital in years.”

“He isn’t a hero. He’s a traitor,” Han comments as he squints at the engravings on his tankard. “A traitor to the Capital.”

I glance at the ripples in my drink. Once they settle, I see my face. It looks void of any feeling, yet my conscience is screaming to declare the opposite.

“Never mind what he is. We should celebrate.” The Night raises his tankard. “I propose a night of drinking.”

“Don’t you do that every night?” Han groans.

“Are you saying that I stop?”

“It’s your choice if you wind up dead one day. I guarantee you will fall over your own knife when you are drunk.”

The Night downs his drink in several gulps, and then throws the tankard at Han. Without looking, he catches it.

“I should get rid of you.”

Everyone in the room watches Han as he places the empty tankard on the table beside him. Although he looks apathetic, he has caused the atmosphere to coagulate. The Night who had thrown the tankard now displays a face of frightful regret.

Han rises from his chair. Taking one last sip of his drink, he announces, “Get started on preparing for our next attack. I don’t want another failure when we hit the Capital.” Nobody moves. Causing a loud crash, Han throws his tankard on the floor. “That means I want all of you, out.”

The Nights scatter. With my full tankard, I take a step away, only to hear Han say, “One minute, Tao.”

He waits for the Nights to leave before he approaches me. “You didn’t drink, did you?” He grabs my tankard and places it on the table. “You have a weak stomach.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“This isn’t for hunger. It’s for enjoyment. Although since it is your first time being offered this, you don’t understand.” From his sleeve, Han pulls out a knife. “You think I should kill that Night? It wouldn’t be difficult.”

“I think every Night is essential to our next attack.”

Han keeps his knife out for a little longer, and then hides it back into his sleeve in a fleeting turn of his hand. “I suppose so. Our recent attack did not go as planned. Your success was our last hope. A number of us were killed, even more injured. Considering how long you took, we thought you had abandoned us.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Hm.” As if he were a mother, he pats my chest. “I’m not sure. You are missing the only thing that associates you with us. If you escaped, who is to know?”

“You make it sound like I want to leave.”

Han smirks. “Then are you telling me that I’ve said a lie?”

Han has always been like a brother to me. I know he cares for me, although his gruff actions don’t often show it. Still, I cannot deny his statement. It would be a fallacy to say that I wished to remain with the Nights until I died.

“Han,” I begin, “Why do you hate the Capital so mu – “

“Han!”

Cain bursts into our conversation. His step wavers when he sees me. “You’ve returned. When?”

“What do you want?” Han scowls.

“There is a fight breaking out. Tao’s Nights are arguing about the girl.”

Han swears, and then runs after Cain. For a second I deliberate on whether I should go, as well. But when I remember that ‘the girl’ meant Nari, I bolt out of the room.

I come across a scene of chaos initiated by two Nights whom I mentored before I travelled to the Capital. One Night was my favorite student in the Capital group; the other, a man with the shortest temper from the Shin division. They are both fighting in front of a lopsided tent that is guarded by four Nights.

“What do you mean, she deserves to stay here?” The Night from Shin asks. “This woman should have remained in the Capital. Taking her just proves all of you Nights are cowardly cheaters.”

“You don’t know what she’s done!” The other Night responds furiously. “I lived in the Capital’s outskirts. I heard every news about the Capital. She has done nothing to better the government. She’s the first person we should kidnap!”

“You think the plan is foolproof? Yes, they’ll want to take her back. They’ll kill you, too. You can’t underestimate those guardians. We have trained for years. And you?” He releases a short, sarcastic laugh. “You’re just a boy they rescued from the pigsty.”

The other Night forms a fist and prepares to hit him. Before they can continue their petty squabble, I grab my knife and toss it straight through the minimal space between their faces. It nicks the sleeve of one of the Nights guarding the tent, pierces the tent’s skin, and lands on a tree.

This easily silences the Nights who are present.

“Hi,” I wave. “I am here to visit someone.”

I shove myself between the quarreling Nights and open the flap to the tent. My heart drops when I see Nari sitting on the floor with her wrists tied. It’s consolation that she looks as bad as before. They haven’t touched her.

She watches me with a scrutinizing glare as I push aside a pile of equipment on the ground. I sit down with crossed legs and folded arms. She doesn’t once faze when I gather the courage to speak.

“Nari – “

“I wish you had died protecting me.” Her rancorous voice weakens my resolve. “At least then, you would have died as a proper knight.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Then bring me to the Capital.”
“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I made a commitment, Nari,” I answer. “I am linked by blood to these men.”

“You are not linked by anything but your dissent of conscience.”

“I have a conscience, Nari,” I appeal. “If I didn’t have a conscience, I would not have sheltered you while we journeyed. I would not have made sure you were comfortable. I would have brought you here as soon as we left the Capital; but I didn’t, did I? I kept you. I stalled. I tried to cheat time.”

“Then why,” she dispiritedly asks, “have we still ended up here?”

In shame, I look down at my hands. There are callouses and bruises throughout my skin. These hands have never once felt the use of neglect. Not once have my actions been executed with the complete sense of them being mine. I am not my own, and only because I allow it to be.

“If you need anything, ask me.” I exit the tent. I raise my head to see Han with his arms crossed. Behind him are the two angry Nights, who are held back by two of Nari’s guards.

“I understand that you’ve returned not long ago, but would you mind managing your trainees?”

“I’ll guard the tent,” I answer as I walk past Han. He clamps a hand on my shoulder.

“That’s not what I said.”

“You saw what happened. The main issue has to do with her being here. If we are going to succeed, we have to maintain her safety.” I force his hand off my shoulder. “I brought her here. She knows me. It’s better if I am the one to guard her.”

“And can you guarantee you won’t let her go?” Han leans in and mutters, “I know how you feel about her, Tao. You’ve always been transparent.”

I shove him aside before he can ignite my wrath. “And I know who I am. Stop reminding me, Han.”

He laughs. “Don’t deviate from the plan, Tao. Otherwise, I’ll kill you in your sleep.” He turns and tells the Nights to bring my trainees away. But I do not want Han to always have the final say. It can’t be that way anymore. I will suffocate if I don’t stop him.

“Why are you so in love with ruin?” I call. “Do you think you will succeed by praising people’s failures? Do you think it’s over when the Capital is finished? It doesn’t end there.” He stops walking. I stare at his back as I continue, “It will get worse and worse, and if you don’t stop yourself in time, you might … you might … “ Turn into a monster. And maybe in that time of waiting, I will have turned into one, too.

“You don’t know anything, Tao,” he replies. “You think you do. But you don’t.”

“Then tell me why you want to see the Capital fall. Tell me that, at least.”

At this, Han faces me. His eyes are furious, but his voice is alarmingly calm. “After all these years, you ask now?” He clucks his tongue. “We will overthrow the Capital together. Perhaps then, you will know.”

----- Four Days Past ----

I yawn as I lean against a tree. The other Nights are sleeping. A few of our evening watches are standing by every corner with their eyes trained for strangers. Feeling cold, I wrap my clothes tighter around my body. As I stomp my feet to promote circulation, I see one of our scouts crash into our base. At once, all of our Nights awaken with their knives in their hands. He abruptly stops. I laugh; he must be newly trained to enter our base in such a brisk manner.
“Come here,” I shout. He bows in apology, and then runs toward me.

“I have news,” he pants. “The Capital has officially issued a declaration of the kidnapping of the Capital daughter.” He drops his voice. “You are considered a fugitive. They are looking for you.”

“I knew this would happen.” I smile. “Thank you.”

I wake up a sleeping guard to tell him to guard Nari so I can look for Han. I find him in the underground forum with three other Nights. They seem to be discussing an important issue. Wanting to interrupt them, I clear my throat. “Our scout returned. He says I’m a wanted man.”

“We know,” Han replies. “And we will take action accordingly. I need you to return to that girl and make sure she doesn’t attempt to do anything stupid.”

I clench my jaw. “Of course.”

When I return to Nari’s tent, the Nights have already awoken and are busy building fires to keep themselves warm. A few Nights bow when they see me. I do not respond and continue to Nari’s tent.

When I bend down to enter, I see Nari asleep on the floor. The blanket I had brought to her the night before is curled around her legs. I reach over and pull it over her shoulders, and then I sit down and gaze at her sleeping face.

“I know you are awake,” I say. In a moment, she opens her eyes. She does not look at me. She hasn’t directly looked at me since four days ago.

“I overheard the Nights,” she speaks, her voice low and scratchy with morning languor. “They were talking about what I am. And what you are.”

I wrap the edge of her blanket around my finger, and then watch it unravel when I let go. “They’re not talented with keeping secrets, are they?”

“Unlike you.”

I nod. I have no excuse.

“Are you hungry?”

“I hope they find you,” she says. “And I hope they know the truth.”

Quietly, I stand. Since she is not looking at me, I take the liberty to look at her. Although dismay and the lingering heaviness of a sleepless night are on her face, she is still the unafraid and stubborn Ada that I know. I wish I were as gallant as her. I wish I were as strong in my beliefs. But instead, I am fickle; like she says, I am not who I claim to be. And it was not because of Han, or the Nights, or the Capital.

I am weak by choice.

“They will,” I answer, determined. “I promise you.”