Scene 6: The Cheshire Cat Leaves His Smile Behind
Take 1 or Nothing at All
I can't believe that Kim Jongin! Asking me for a kiss as easily as saying hello or bowing out of kindness. I scold Kai secretly in my thoughts for trying to get a rise out of me. Did he think I would be like those fan girls waiting for his arrival to school, like the secretary doing what was asked simply because it was THE Kai that asked her, or like Nana giving her frequent orange sodas…or am I like all those letters and gifts and lollipops thrown at him? I let out a sigh, accepting the realization and answering my own question. Yeah, I am like them, but I will never admit it. I don't mind worshipping from afar. I've always been good at that.
I enter the ice cream parlor where Luhan and Sehun are enjoying their sundaes. Kai stands by the glass counter biting the tip of his index finger in an adorable way. I blink a couple times trying to reboot my mind from the earlier Kai-shock and walk towards the glass counter. If I act natural, if I act as if his words don't bother me at all, I'll keep my heart in check and get out of this alive. One more semester and we graduate, and then I can study abroad or at least move out of my house and live on campus, away from Kai and his…
"What are you having, pup?"
"Um. One scoop of mint chocolate chip oreo with whipped cream on top, please." I am so lame. I can't resist him, or ice cream.
"I'll have one scoop of french vanilla." Vanilla? How boring. I sit by Luhan who is busy laughing about Sehun's first day of school. Sehun apparently received a letter today from secret admirer.
"Don't encourage those girls Sehun. Don't wink, don't smirk, don't stare too long at any of them. Those girls will eat you up and they only want you for your looks, that is not a good way to start a healthy relationship."
"Who says I want a relationship, hyung? I kinda like the attention." Sehun laughs. Luhan nods his head disapprovingly.
"Your brother is right, Sehun. Girls are persistent and they can also be mean to each other. Don't encourage. For example, I gave up winking today." Kai smiles, and the last statement was directed to me specifically.
"Be aloof, just ignore them like you usually do around people in general." I recommend.
"Ha! Hyung, what about you? I heard that Taeyeon sunbae AND L sunbae are both interested in you. Are you just going to ignore them?"
"I don't even know who Taeyeon is. And L is Kai's friend. He doesn't like me like that, stop believing rumors."
"Oh, Taeyeon is very cute, right Kai? She actually had a thing for me last year, we went to prom together."
"You went to prom with her? She's so cute!" Sehun says excitedly.
"She is cute and her personality is just as cute. Actually," Luhan looks at me and tilts his head. I stare back at him. "Your brother reminds me of her a bit."
"Eh!" I remind you of a cute girl!? Kai laughs.
"You see it too, right Jongin? They both have pretty eyes, delicate fingers, smooth milky skin, and this puppy dog adorableness. And they both have great vocals." I look at Kai who is staring at me attentively. Don't you dare say you agree with him? This is embarrassing.
"Nah." Oh thank goodness. "My pup is cuter." He gets up from his seat and throws away his ice cream cup and spoon.
"Daebak." Sehun whispers to me and Luhan pats me on the back.
We leave the ice cream parlor and my phone rings. I've never given my new phone number to anyone except for the people I was just sitting with. Kai takes the phone from my hand realizing that I was staring at it for too long without answering. He looks at the display. I didn't recognize the number. He answers for me.
"What do you want?"
…
"He isn't available?"
"Kai, who is it?" He turns away from me.
"I told you he isn't available. You can talk to him in school." Kai hangs up.
"Kai."
"It was L. Let's go."
"L? Your friend L? What did he want?"
"He wanted to talk to you."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Why didn't you let me speak to him?"
"I told him you can speak to him tomorrow. Let's go." He opens the door for me and I enter. He leans in and puts the seatbelt on for me. Sehun and Luhan are already heading home. When Kai enters the car, he's awfully quiet.
"Maybe I"ll call him back." I take out my phone and Kai grabs it out of my hands and throws it out the window. "Kai! That was a brand new phone!"
"I'll get you a new one."
"Kai! You can't just take someones belongings and throw it out the window."
"You don't need to talk to L."
"Let me make that decision myself. I mean, seriously. Who throws a brand new iPhone out the window like some used up piece of gum? I can't believe you! I -" Kai stops the car on the side of the road and he presses my shoulder roughly against the seat. He seems angry, but his eyes are showing a tinge of sadness as his eyes close slowly. It's as if he's disappointed. "Kai, what's wrong?"
"You don't need to talk to L."
"Okay, okay. Let's just go home." I don't know why he reacted like that. He was, possessive. What did Jongdae say?
'He's very possessive of you. That's the one and only sign.'
Kai takes us to the S Mall. We go to the valet parking and the valet attendees' mouths are hanging open as they see Kai's car stroll in. Like his looks, his car gets noticed a lot. Shoppers and passer-bys are staring both at the car and the owner. I suddenly feel a little out of place. A young valet attendee bows to Kai and holds out a ticket and his hand.
"I don't think so. Where's Hoya?"
"Kai! What's up?!" A short, dark haired boy I recognize from school runs to Kai and hugs him. They exchange smiles and he hands his keys to him.
"Take care of her. We'll only be a half-an-hour at the most."
"Of course." He bows and takes the key and hands him his ticket. He turns to his co-workers. "No one touches this car, but me, you got it!?" Hoya and Kai shake hands again then we watch Hoya drive his car to where the other VVIP members have their cars parked. He takes up three spots just for the NSX Roadster, just for Kai.
Kai takes my hand and we enter the mall elevator leading to the main floor. As soon as we enter the elevator, I finally ask him why we were at the mall suddenly.
"You need a new phone." I follow him to the store and I begin observing his slow and lazy gate from behind. He actually looks just as good from the back as he does from the front. I laugh at my thoughts. This is only day one with Kim Jongin. I can't imagine the next years let alone next morning. "You like what you see?"
"What!?" I say startled. He starts to laugh and he looks over his shoulder. He is gorgeous.
"You always walk a few steps behind me." And? He turns around and leaves it at that. It does make me wonder, this teasing that he does with me, if what Jondae and Chanyeol say about him liking me is true? We stand in the Apple store and he asks for one white iPhone 5. He pays for it and hands me the bag.
"You didn't have to do that." He smiles. "Of course, you didn't have to throw my phone out the window either."
"It's cold outside." Was he not paying attention to me? He must have selective hearing…
"Yes. It's the end of winter though, it will get warm."
"Still cold though." He turns around and enters a sports shop. The female employees at the counter smile widely and have a mini-battle to see who gets dibs on helping Kai. I react to that like any other boy would, stupidly, by standing super close to him as he reaches for a cream colored beanie with a large puff ball on top. When his arms go down he turns his body so he is facing me and places the beanie on my head. "Kyopta."
The winning female employee looks like a loser when she approaches Kai and me who are intimately close and smiling at each other. I give Kai the cutest eye smile possible without me puking at the shear stupidity of my jealous actions.
"Excuse me. Do you need help choosing a snow cap?"
"Ani. I found what I wanted." Kai responds with his back still facing the employee and staring right at me. He gives me a slow smile that results in him biting his bottom lip and me mine in response. Damn it. Why do my eyes get so easily drawn to those lips? Kai reaches for another beanie, a gray one, that matches mine and he puts it on his head. He turns to move towards the counter. He passes the female employee who's standing in awe at the dreamy Kim Jongin.
"I'd like to purchase these two items please."
"Are you Kim Jongin, the actor and model in the Calvin Klein commercials?"
"Ani. I get that a lot." Kai opens his wallet. "How much?"
The employee begins to stutter from embarrassment and apologizes. She gives him the amount and he pays in cash. The girl hands him his change and he pockets the coins. He bows and heads out the door expecting me to follow like a puppy. And I do, but this time I hook my arms to his just enough to tell those girls to back off.
"Thanks Kai. I'll make sure to pay you back for all this." I let go of his arm before he makes some clever comment about it.
"Forget it. Consider it a welcoming gift."
"An IPhone is your welcome gift?" I laugh. "Your friends are lucky."
"Baekhyun."
"Hmm?" I pick up my pace and try to match my stride with his.
"Were you jealous back there?"
"Eh?! Aneyo!"
"Just wondering." That was a close call. For a guy who doesn't say much and is usually aloof, he is very observant.
"I mean. Those girls were staring at you like ice cream on a hot summer day. They wanted to you up."
"Chongmal?"
"Yes. And so, I just, you know, made them know that, you aren't. You know…"
"What am I?"
"You know."
"Nope. I don't."
"That you are not y, free and single." I stop walking and stare at the poster of Super Junior hanging on the display window of the record store in front of us.
"Wow." He doesn't say anything after that and we make it to the valet where Hoya sees us and signals that he will be getting his 'baby.' Hoya takes the $20 dollar tip and salutes Kai.
"Oh. Nice couple hat," he says to me and I blush. Is that what this is? How embarrassing. I run to the car and I open it carefully and enter buckling myself in, indicating to Kai that I am ready to go.
"See ya, Hoya."
"Later." I remember that Hoya wrote a letter to Kai confessing his feelings. I wonder if Jongdae really took it to . Poor guy. Kai enters the car and looks at me already buckled in his car.
"Are you in a hurry, pup?"
"What? No. I mean, I am ready to go home. I've got a lot to do." I say nonchalantly.
"Busy night?"
"I finished all my homework at the library today, but I have those letters in your trunk that I'd like to start sorting. You know, before it gets too overwhelming."
"There are two bags in my trunk. That's already overwhelming."
"Maybe you shouldn't have winked at all those girls and giving them the wrong impression."
"They aren't confessing their so-called feelings for me because I winked at them."
"85% of those letters are probably due to your overuse of the wink."
"Baek, look at me." He continues to look forward as he drives but I look at his side profile. He has a refined jawline and full lips and perfect forehead.
"Ah. Okay. So 75% of those letters are probably due to your overuse of the wink." He just laughs.
We finally make it to the house and I hop out of the car stretching my arms to the sky. Home sweet home. What a day. I hear the trunk door open and I run to the back of the car to take out the two bags of confessions.
"Look at this Kai," I say to him as he closes the trunk. He looks at me waiting for what I have to say. "You have two bags full of confessions. Look at how many people adore you. One letter equals one heart."
"Those hearts aren't sincere," he just says to me.
"What do you mean?" We enter the house and I drop the bags in the study for me to sort out after dinner.
"100% of those confessions were made by people who don't know the real me. That I guarantee you."
"Kai. How can you say that? How do you even know?"
"Unless they are letters from Chanyeol, Jongdae, Kyungsoo or Minseok then those letters are all fake."
"Fake!" He gets startled by my sudden explosion. "Having a crush, having feelings for someone, those aren't things you can call fake. These confessions hold emotions from people that were written by careful planning."
"Have you ever wrote a love confession before?"
"I have."
"Did you know that person, truly know that person, or did you worship from afar?" I don't respond to him because I realize that he makes a good point. "Crushes can become figments of the imagination. Some of these people think of me as Kim Jongin the actor, the model, or Kai the class president who is smart and athletic and dances well. Whatever the reason for them 'liking' me, it is never because they really know me. They only like the shell that's a small part of who I am. The films, the commercials, the print ads, the extracurricular activities, the athletic competitions and dance competitions, those are all parts of me. But what really defines me is my soul. My heart. My innermost thoughts that they have never considered looking at, finding about. Because what they like about me is this." He points to his face. "And what's under this." He grabs a piece of his jacket and the shirt underneath. "They never care about what's in here."
He takes my hand and lays my palm over his heart. "Can you feel it, Byun Baekhyun? Can you feel my heart beating? Do you want to know why? Do you care to know why? Do you desire to know me, the real Kim Jongin? Or is this fine for you?" He forcefully moves my hand away from his heart and steps back opening his arms out indicating his body, his shell, his outward appearance. "Is this all you want from me too?" His words were harsh somewhat. And his smile forming on his lips is a contrast of those dark questions he asked me. He doesn't let me even respond. To be honest, I really had no idea how to respond to that. But when he turns around and leaves, I still see his smile. His perfect rows of white teeth between beautiful plump lips on a light mocha canvas. Kim Jongin on the outside is all I've known in this short time, I can't believe it's only been slightly over 24 hours since I first laid eyes on this fascinating creature.
He's often standoffish and I had no idea how articulate he is. His words were piercing, forceful, and impacted me like no other. Just like his looks. Am I like these letters? Do I only look at Kim Jongin's shell, without caring about what's inside that shell? I turn around and exit the front door. I drag the two bags of irrelevant confessions and throw them in the large wooden recycling bins on the side of the house. I move back towards the house only to fall on my knees from the weight of what Kai said to me. How hard it must be for him… He never knows if anyone approaching him is genuine or if they have a hidden agenda. Did Nana only want him because he is the most popular kid in school or the most good looking? What about Hoya? Probably has something to do with his dancing abilities. Watching him dance this afternoon I can easily understand how and why it's so easy to fall for him. Those girls in the sports store were attracted to his looks, nothing more.
"Baekhyun." I hear Kai's voice deep in my thoughts. Tears begin to form in my eyes, and I wipe them away quickly. I don't want to be like those letters, the fan girls, Jessica, Nana, Hoya, the headmaster's secretary, our homeroom teacher, the shoppers and passer-by's at the mall, or those two female employees. I do not think it will be enough for me to just have Kai's shell like what all of them only seek for. But how do I even get beyond that point? "Pup."
I look up at the sky and it gets blurry because of the tears. Slightly callused hands are placed on the side of my face and with his thumbs he wipes my tears away. "Did I make you cry, pup?"
"How do I, how do I get to see what's in here?" I lay my hand over his heart and press slightly trying to feel his heartbeat.
"You are already close," he answers with a soft exasperated sigh.
"I want to go deeper," I beg him. "Your shell is not enough for me. I want to know everything about you Kim Jongin. I want to know what makes this beat, I want to know your innermost thoughts, your strengths and weaknesses, your inner beauty and slight flaws."
"Are you sure, Baekhyun?"
"I am absolutely sure," I beg him again and he bites the bottom of his lip which I've realized is a habit. That and biting his thumb or the tips of his fingers. "But, Jonginnie, how do I know? How do I know when I am there?"
He smiles widely. His hands move to my neck then to my shoulders and he leans closer to me. He lifts me up to stand and he steadies me with his hands still firmly on my arms. “Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some….don't ever want to.” He smiles bright and wide. Again, two perfectly white rows of teeth set between pink thick lips on a light mocha canvas. He walks away, but I still see his smile. Like the Cheshire Cat, Kai leaves his grin. A symbol perhaps. Maybe I can get through this wonderland that I feel I am falling in despite its obstacles, I will enter Kim Jongin's heart and remain there forever.
[Kim Jongin's last quote is by the Cheshire Cat from Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]
My first attempt at writing a love story about my two most favorite members of EXO, Kai and Baekhyun. Luhan, my other EXO bias appears as well :)
Comments