Being a model isn’t what Jongin initially intended to go for. But he was a broke college student then, and was living off Luhan’s money for their daily expenses. Being dependent on the older man was a stab to his pride that Jongin had to work part time at supermarkets or gas stations until late at night just to pay off their rent. Food was an unlikely concern because Luhan always made sure that Jongin was eating his food right, although they often ate rice and shared only one serving of meat, also one side dish if their money allowed it.

But it was all good, nevertheless, because by the time he gets home to their shared apartment, Luhan would be waiting for him, asleep on the couch with the television left running. And when he can feel Jongin crouching over him to wake him up, Luhan would flutter his eyes and Jongin can feel his heart thumping in his chest. Luhan would give him a sleepy smile and drag him off to bed where Jongin can finally rest with Luhan curled up in his arms.

It all changed when he was just lounging out the supermarket at his break time that someone came up to him and offered her business card. “You’d look good in front of the camera, boy. Call me if you’re interested.”

Jongin had consulted Luhan about this. They had talked about the pros and the cons. First, modeling can pay off their bills and can certainly afford a better place than this one. Jongin didn’t add, but he can give Luhan a more luxurious life in the long run and he can feel the smile on his face just by the thought of it. “You should go for it.” Luhan had told him and Jongin nodded in return.

At first, it was just a few photographs and calls for the runway. He can hear praises that he had the perfect body proportions, his face spoke volumes no one else can, that the clothes were made just for him, or that he was born to be on the spotlight. Jongin grins and calls Luhan when a critic said that Jongin had a bright future ahead of him.

Two years passed by and he’s been shipped to Europe for photoshoots, signed under Calvin Klein as their magazine model and one of the top performing models of their agency. He and Luhan bought a house in the far quiet parts of Myeongdong, Luhan also had his own studio and Jongin thinks all is going according to plan.

Though it took a while, Jongin started to notice that he and Luhan talked less and less. At times he’d be coming home late, Luhan would no longer be found waiting for him on the couch or Luhan wouldn’t sleep on Jongin’s side of the bed anymore. “I like it here because it smells like you.” Luhan had whispered to his skin when Jongin asked that one time and he felt like he just loved Luhan a little but more.

Jongin ignored the signs because at weekends, they would have the time for themselves. On Saturdays, Jongin would sometimes wake up to Luhan palming his or Luhan and biting at his skin. Jongin would tell him to stop because the hickeys would then be hard to cover up. “I want to show them you’re mine, Jongin.” Jongin had laughed and Luhan grinned, then they’d spend the hours with pleasure numbing their minds and skin stuck together with skin, until Jongin would receive a sudden call from the company and request for him asap.

Luhan would sit against the headboard as Jongin gets up to get dressed, hastily putting on his jeans as Luhan watches him from the bed. “Can’t you stay?” Luhan would ask with a lilted tone that Jongin knows he’s disappointed. Jongin would shake his head and kiss the corner of Luhan’s lips as he grabs his car keys and leaves. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

He never did.

Maybe this is why Luhan left him all along. This is why Luhan chose to go to someone who would spare him time, make him feel loved the way Jongin can’t. Because Jongin never had the time for Luhan, and Luhan never demanded for it anyway. If he had, if only Luhan had, he’d-

“Jongin, you’re up next.”

Jongin frowns at his reflection in the mirror. The make up artists were done with his face maybe half an hour ago, and Jongin never noticed. Maybe that’s Jongin’s problem: he never noticed things that were supposed to matter. He can’t see what’s in front of him, always looking far ahead that he had neglected what was with him all along. It was-

“Kim Jongin!”

He sighs as he stands up and glances at the mirror for the last time. He’s dressed in nothing but low-cut jeans and the band of underwear clinging high on his hips. His skin is covered up by make up to hide his blemishes, to make his skin look fuller and more alive.

Jongin greets the photographer and heads for the editor. Soojung is already there with her tight dress, hair all fluffed up and lips of shimmering red. She smiled at him, devious and scheming that Jongin doesn’t want to smile back.

“I called you last night.”

“I fell asleep early. Sorry.” He didn’t.

“You know you can talk to me whenever you want, right?”

Jongin keeps a blank look on his face and chooses to look straight ahead, focuses on the dark corner ignored by everyone’s eyes.

“It’s just that I heard you and your boyfriend broke up, and I can make you feel better if you want.”

Jongin can feel Soojung’s hands snake down his arms and his bare abdomen as he frowns down at her. “What are you doing?”

Soojung bats her eyes. “Oh come on Jongin. I’m just, you know, making the gossips between us become true. ”

“Gossip.”

“It’s obvious, really. Do you know why the company keeps on pairing us up? We make profit, people like it, the company likes it, I like it.”

Jongin frowns. “You have a boyfriend, Soojung.” Jongin pries Soojung’s fingers on his chest and stalks off, blatantly ignoring the frustrated huff of breath behind him.

The dressing room is empty and he hasn’t seen the coordinators nearby. Jongin is left to his own devices as he just stares at himself, his own reflection also staring back at him. But the problem is, Jongin is almost clueless as to who exactly is he looking at.

He knows it’s his body, his eyes, his lips, his chest. Everything is his own but Jongin isn’t sure who he is now. Without Luhan in his life for almost two months now, having last seen the older male two weeks ago, Jongin has lost himself to the point that sometimes he has forgotten how to eat by himself, let alone function by himself.

It’s frustrating because when he gets back to his flat, takeout in his hand, Jongin has learned not to eat by the square dining table. Because whenever he stares across the other chair, his mind seems to come up with the virtual image of another person with familiar doe eyes and pink cheeks all fluffed up. He seems to feel his knees and feet bumping into another person’s. His hands seem to be intertwined with someone else’s.

The knock on the door startles him for a bit before regaining his composure. It’s one of the staff saying that the editors are now ready and that they are sorry for the delay. He sighs as he gets back into the front, faintly hears the photographer gathering the crew up.

Jongin stands on one side, waiting for Soojung’s shoot to finish as Yixing comes up beside him. “Someone’s angrier than usual.”

Jongin stares.

“Luhan told me what happened.” Yxing faces him expectantly with his eyebrows raised and Jongin looks away. “How are you?”

“I’m eating normally, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“And?”

Jongin frowns. “What?”

“Jongin, you’re going to have to tell me these things otherwise you’re still going to lock yourself up and I won’t be cleaning the bottles of alcohol laying around in your house again.”

“I’m not drinking like before. I’m fine.”

“But how are you keeping up? Do you even sleep regularly?”

Jongin shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps his voice neutral. It’s like he’s not even giving so much effort to sound nonchalant anymore. “Sleeping pills.”

Beside him, Yixing sighs. “That’s not good for you, Jongin.”

Jongin shrugs. “I’m used to it now.”

Silence filled the space between them and it’s not like Jongin has anything else left to say. Yixing knows this as well, that Jongin speaks through his silence and after years of being friends, he has learned how to read the other boy through the slight tapping of his foot or the drumming of his fingers.

“You know that Luhan doesn’t mean any of it, right?” Yixing tentatively asks, sneaking a glance to the boy beside him.

There’s a twitch in Jongin’s lips, but aside from the gesture, there’s nothing else. “I do.”

“And what you said, that you gave up. It’s a lie, isn’t it?”

Jongin nods. “He-Luhan hyung, he-” Jongin pauses, clearing his throat momentarily before he starts. “I had to lie. He still hasn’t let me go.” Yixing says nothing and Jongin continues. “It’s the least I can do for him. He can’t be happy knowing that I’m still chasing after him, that there’s this disgusting pest waiting for him, the same nuisance he had the trouble of taking care of for eight years.”

“Pest?” Yixing turns to look at him. “I’ve seen you for the most part of your relationship Jongin, and let me tell you that Luhan never saw you as one.”

“He flinches when I get near him, hyung. Do you know how much that ing hurts? That the person you love, the one you used to hold in you arms, flinches when you get near, when you offer to help him stand up.” Jongin rakes his fingers through his hair. “I told myself that maybe because I was too rash the first time, but it happened again and just-” Jongin hangs his head low, breathes deeply and clenches his fists by his side. “I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.”

Yixing stares ahead. “No one’s expecting you to.”

Jongin laughs, faint but heard. “That’s the problem, no one is.”

The loud ringing of Yixing’s ringtone startles the both of them as Jongin fixes his gaze on one of the computers situated in front of them. “Take it.” Yixing motions a finger up and looks at the screen, seeing Luhan’s name popping on the screen. He answers and sets on the speakerphone.

“Hello?”

“Hey Yixing, where are you right now?”

“Well hello to you, too, Luhan.”

Yixing sees Jongin freeze from the corner of his eyes. The younger boy has set his back squarely, his posture rigid and tense, as if the mere mention of Luhan’s name has set his whole body on fire. He moves to walk away and Yixing immediately grabs his wrist, silently telling him to stay.

“I’m in one of Jongin’s shoots right now.”

Yixing answers back and it’s amazing how synchronized the responses he’s getting are. Jongin shoots him a glare at the same time Yixing hears the sharp intake of breath from the other line. Luhan is just as affected.

“Ah.. Is that so?”

Yixing can make out the stutter from the other line just as he spares a glance at Jongin by his side. Jongin now has his head bent, staring at his shoes and it’s so obvious that he’s pretending not to be affected.

“Yeah. He’s doing the Calvin Klein ad with Soojung right now.”

Jongin’s looking at him with a virtual question mark on top of his head. Truthfully, it was not necessary to add the detail but Yixing just had to know what Luhan is going to say. He didn’t expect the response, though.

“Good for him, then.”

“Yeah.”

“Now wonder they were paired up. They look good together.”

“No, Luhan, it’s not like that.”

“Yixing, it’s fine. You don’t have to tell me in a roundabout way. Whoever Jongin is ing is none of my business.”

“Luhan.” Yixing warns.

“What? We both know that kid is better off with someone his age and who actually likes him.”

Jongin’s sudden voice startles him and Luhan must have heard as well because he, too, pauses. “I’m sorry, Yixing hyung. But I don’t want to listen to this anymore. See you later.”

Yixing is left with only the view of Jongin’s back walking away from him. He sets his phone back to handset mode and curses.

“Goddamn it , Luhan. What was that for?”

“I-Yixing, I-” Panic instantly comes over his system at the sound of Luhan’s anxious voice. “I had to make him hate me, Yixing, it’s the only way. I just, I-”

“Wait, you knew?”

“Mm.”

“Luhan-”

“See you later, Yixing. Bye.” And then he’s answered by the empty beeping from the other line.

He may have gone too far. But Yixing thinks it’s for the best if Jongin and Luhan keep on circling each other for too long. He may not make then get back together again, but at least, he can- No. it. He is going to make them get back together, even if it’s the last thing he has to do.