It’s amazing how a single stick of cigarette can seem to calm his rigid nerves and loosen his stiff joints.  He can feel the nicotine stick to his lungs and strangely, Lu Han finds the oddity a sort of comfort. He finds peace in the peculiarity that he is now on his third stick and he doesn’t find it as repulsing as he remembered it to be three years ago.

It’s relaxing, seeing the end light up an angry orange when he breathes in or the wisps of smoke swirling around his head when he breathes out. The idea is outlandish and Lu Han knows it’s not like him to smoke, or even hold a cigarette stick in the first place. But it brings him relief that at least this, whatever it is he’s doing right now, is the only thing he’s been sure of since he left.

Separating with Jongin was like having his firm ground stolen from him with a single snap, all the while knowing that it was him who walked out of the steadiness of land and instead chose to step on unknown waters. It felt like the oxygen he was thriving on to live has suddenly vanished and Lu Han is all-clueless how to breathe again even though it was he himself who pulled the plug and detached the mask from his mouth.

It was like having his life taken away from him but Lu Han knows it was him who pushed it all away in the first place. He was so sure of his decisions before, he was so sure of his wants and he knows of what he desires and what he need to do to obtain his contentment. But the frustration burns in his lungs, up to the point where sometimes, Lu Han finds himself wanting to return to Jongin’s arms but not wanting to leave Wufan’s either.

Wufan was an adventure he has long closed off in the pages of his past. Wufan was an affair, a sin, but Lu Han can’t turn away because the thrill and the excitement that comes with Wufan’s presence has been addicting that Lu Han has no clue how to stop. He was that temptation that has been sleeping in the pit of his conscience and seeing him after all those years has awakened a spark that Lu Han all the while thought has been contained.

Jongin was the direction Lu Han found when Wufan left. Jongin was the stubborn freshman who stuck to him during his senior year, made him open his eyes to things he has ignored and was used to seeing that being with Jongin made him look at things in a whole new perspective. Jongin was that ray of light that pulled him out of his dark life and since, Lu Han has found himself smiling and starting to care about someone else other than himself.

“You know how to smoke.” Lu Han snaps out of his daze as arms start to circle his waist and a hard chest bumps against his back.

“I’m twenty five. Of course I know how to smoke.” Lu Han takes another puff and Wufan’s warm chuckles reverberate along his skin.

“Age and smoking aren’t exactly correlated, as far as what I know.” Another laugh and Lu Han stays silent. Moments after and he can hear a slight click of the tongue as Wufan slowly pulls away. “You’re thinking about Jongin again.”

“Of course I’m thinking about Jongin again. Seven years with him isn’t easy to just forget and throw away.” Wufan says nothing and Lu Han continues. “Seven years, Wufan. He was with me the whole seven years you were gone. I-“

“I know.” Wufan whispers and Lu Han lets himself be surrounded by the strong arms that trap him in the taller man’s embrace. “I won’t leave you again, I promise.”

The used up cigarette drops to the floor and Lu Han weakly attempt to push the other away as Wufan starts to plant kisses down the column of his neck. “It’s not what I-” And Lu Han’s words seem to dissolve through air as Wufan on a particular spot behind the shell of his ear. His attempts to restart the conversation are left in vain because all that occupies his voice are the moans and lust that spirals in his blood. He finds it amazing at one point that Wufan’s touches still electrify him even with all those years of nothing in between. No contact, no communication, no nothing.

Wufan’s fingers are still calculated, Lu Han notices the seconds that Wufan counts in his head for every touch that lingers and for every breath against his neck. Wufan knows how to build up the tension that makes time with Wufan the most pleasurable experience that even those moments of completion are what Lu Han finds himself coming back to. Wufan knows how to bring his arousal to the limit that Lu Han finds himself begging for release and when he does, it’s always mind blowing that Lu Han can’t think of anything else.

Jongin is nothing like Wufan because Jongin doesn’t rely on experience and pleasure. Jongin moves based on instinct and emotion, tries to convey every single thing with his touches and kisses that Lu Han even hears the little whispers Jongin breathes against his skin. Jongin is obvious and Lu Han can easily read the other boy for what he wants and what he wants to give. Lu Han is content because at times when Jongin is most transparent, he’s sure he’s the only one in Jongin’s eyes even when Lu Han is guilty of seeing another.

“Stop thinking about him.” Wufan whispers against his lips and Lu Han soon shakes the thought off because now, he’s finally with Wufan. He shouldn’t be indecisive anymore because it’s him who chose to push Jongin away in the first place. It was his choice, and the thought burns in his mind that even now, Lu Han is finding Wufan’s little habits to be nothing similar with Jongin’s.

¤¤¤

The green digits on the clock beside him say it’s already four am. With a sigh, Lu Han tries to pry away from Wufan’s arms as he gets up and heads for the balcony, the cold mist of air sticking to his skin like another piece of cloth that Lu Han draws his hands around himself to preserve warmth. He knows his eyes are bloodshot and the bags are still under his eyes because it was hard to get even a wink of sleep last night, just like any other night ever since.

He has pictured being with Wufan for a long time, how it would be perfect to wake up next to him, have Wufan’s arms draped protectively over his body at night. It was a thought that lingered even at the back of his mind all those seven years only to get pushed back when Jongin came into the picture and gave him the warmth he longed for when Wufan left. It was always Wufan from the start; Jongin was just a replacement for Wufan. Lu Han knows this, so it shouldn’t be all that hard for him to forget Jongin because Wufan was already here.

It shouldn’t be that hard but what’s hard for him to figure out is even when he’s lying in Wufan’s arms, Lu Han finds himself wishing it was Jongin’s face that was staring right back at him instead of Wufan’s.

Maybe it was all just because of the shock and the rawness of his emotions that Lu Han finds himself feeling this way. Maybe it’s all because of the guilt that’s eating him up inside out that Lu Han still finds himself making excuses for everything. He knows it’s his fault, he knows that, he knows he’s the reason behind his predicament and that he’s the one who put himself in such a situation in the first place.

Maybe it really is the freshness of the circumstances that Lu Han can’t seem to settle down though he’s finally with Wufan now. He still feels miserable because all the familiarity that came with Jongin was suddenly removed from him and that being with Wufan was just something new and unsettling. Lu Han knows he should stop crying about every single thing that has to do with the younger boy just because the shame of his actions brands itself behind his lids.

Maybe it’s best for Lu Han to stop thinking about Jongin because Wufan is finally with him. That’s the reason he left Jongin in the first place, isn’t it? To be with Wufan?

¤¤¤

It’s already five am and thinking about things and his final resolve has kept him up. It was enough that there’s also a newly added headache that Lu Han can’t seem to return back to sleep, so he decides to leave for the studio earlier that usual. He needs the time to himself, especially now that Lu Han needs to embed his new resolution to the deepest pits of his brain.

It was his first time to walk to his studio from Wufan’s place. The walk was quite far but Lu Han managed, with only the silence accompanying him and there were hardly any people at this hour. So when he arrives at the step of his studio, Lu Han is mildly surprised that the lights were on because as far as what he can remember, he turned them all off last night.

He shucks off his shoes at the entrance and sees a familiar pair of worn out rubber shoes placed neatly at the side. Unknowingly, Lu Han can feel his heart starting to beat faster than the usual pace and he can feel his breath catch in his throat. There was a redness spreading through his neck and by this point, Lu Han can’t tell what emotion it is that he’s feeling right now.

It wasn’t agitation, nor was it happiness, it was nowhere in between and Lu Han is confused because it’s frustrating when he doesn’t know where to stand.

The hallway is empty and from his spot, Lu Han can hear feet shuffling about and clacking of wood against wood. Occasionally, he would hear soft curses and long sighs that Lu Han exactly knows whom it’s from.

“I'll drop by to return your paintings tomorrow, I have your spare key and I'll return it as well. Don't worry, I'll return them first thing in the morning so you won't have to see me unnecessarily.”

He takes a deep breath and puts his hands in the pockets of his coat as he slowly walks. He takes a cautious step, then another, until he’s finally met with the light and away from the shadows of the beige walls. Lu Han isn’t sure what he should do now that he’s standing openly where Jongin can see him. He isn’t sure whether he should announce his presence and promptly kick Jongin out of his studio, because Jongin was trespassing and that’s the right thing to do.

But a more subtle part in his mind makes him stand still and just stare at Jongin’s wide back as he moves about the space. Jongin would pick large frames up and would place them again somewhere, then he would repeat it again. It was as if Jongin is trying to figure out how to hide the large frames despite their size and the limited space of the room.

Minutes pass and the silence consumes as Jongin finally stood still. Lu Han thinks that Jongin might have finally noticed his presence but Jongin’s back is still facing him that Lu Han thinks something might have caught the younger’s eye. Lu Han follows his line of sight and he figures it’s that same old stupid mug that Jongin has made for him back then.

“Hello there, old friend.” Jongin says as he reaches and holds the mug in his palm. Dust has gathered in the inside and outside as Jongin claps his hands against his clothes. It takes a few more seconds before he traces the imprints and studies the design he has made at the front from before. There was a soft smile along his lips and Lu Han thanks the silence because despite the softness, he can still hear what Jongin has to say.

“I almost forgot you exist. It’s been so long now, huh? But I think I won’t see you again after today, so, yeah.” Jongin chuckles slightly. “You have a mean owner, don’t you? He didn’t even wash you and look at how dirty you are now.”

It feels like an eternity. Lu Han can feel needles prickling at his eyelids and the familiar pang in his chest is back to haunt him again. “Even if he doesn’t take care of you, you still have to watch over Lu Han hyung for me, okay? But you have to be discreet about it. I don’t think he’ll like it if he knew I made you my spy.”

Jongin pauses and Lu Han hears his heartbeat in his ears. Jongin hasn’t called him ‘hyung’ for a while now. Hearing the other call him with such honorific brings an uncomfortable clamp in his heart. It feels..distant. “Mug, whether you like it or not, you have to do this for me, alright? Because Lu Han doesn’t want me anymore and we’ll be going our separate ways now.”

Jongin brings the mug up to his ears and nods his head. “You want to know why? I can’t answer that and I don’t know what happened between us either. But at one point, he stopped smiling at me, you know? When I come home from work, I’d always look forward to Lu Han hyung’s smiles because at the end of the day, even when I’m dead tired, it’s all I need.”

There’s a detached look in Jongin’s eyes now. Lu Han can see the clearness of them despite his attempts to rid of his own tears falling down his cheeks. “I’ve always thought that maybe he was going to leave me some day. I just didn’t think that he actually would. Guess I put too much faith in us when Lu Han hyung has already given up, huh?”

It was too long of an empty silence but Lu Han can’t seem to stop his tears from flowing nor can he make his presence known. A part of him wants and needs to hear what Jongin is saying, knowing it won’t even change a thing. “I just wished he could have talked to me about it. We could have made it work. But he, uh, gave up. Seven years of being together isn’t even worth a single phone call.”

“Ah sorry, I’m rambling now.” Jongin sighs and brings the mug up with both hands this time. “But it’s okay. Wufan hyung is here now, and he’ll take care of Lu Han hyung the way I can’t. Lu Han hyung will finally have the love I wasn’t able to give him, so you should be happy, mug. Lu Han hyung is smiling again and that’s all that matters in the first place, isn’t it?”

There it was again. The burning of his insides as Lu Han can feel himself fall to the floor as if his legs were robbed of strength. He falls with a thud and Lu Han can see Jongin’s eyes stretch wide, surprise and embarrassment decorating his features.

“Hyung.”

Jongin rushes to his side and Lu Han finds himself expecting Jongin’s grip to pull him up but there was nothing. Even when he can see Jongin’s socks in front of him, there was no contact. “Do you, um-need help?” Lu Han flinches in surprise to see that Jongin has only presented his hand for Lu Han to take.

“Sorry I offered.” Jongin retreats his arm back. “I remembered just now, you don’t want me anywhere near you, and I uh, I forgot.”

Lu Han gets up on his feet as he tries not to absorb so much of the implications behind Jongin’s words. It’s like a direct stab to his heart, how much hurt Jongin is carrying on his shoulders and the weight of the situation crashing down on him is like a hit to the gut.

“I brought back the paintings you made.” Jongin breathes. “I covered them in plastic so the moisture from the air won’t damage them. There aren’t any taxis at three am so I carried them to here. Sorry for the scratches on the frames. I can replace them, if you want.”

"You w-walked all the way? For this?"

"My old car isn't exactly functional right now. You were right about it though, might as well call it a heap of trash."

Lu Han doesn’t reply and the silence that follows after is uncomfortable as Jongin coughs. “Um, I don’t think I’m forgetting anything so I’ll just be going now.”

Lu Han nods his head and Jongin passes by him to get to the door. It’s a second moment where his clothed arm brushed against Jongin’s but Lu Han can feel the heat even through his layers of clothing. Jongin’s clothes smell like detergent and all Jongin that the familiarity makes Lu Han shoot his arm up and clutch at the seam of Jongin’s sleeve.

Jongin stops but he doesn’t turn. Lu Han watches Jongin’s adam’s apple bob up and down Jongin keeps his back to Lu Han’s face. “What is it, hyung?”

Lu Han tightens his grip. “You haven’t called me ‘hyung’ for years now, Jongin ah.”

“You were my lover back then, hyung.” Clearing his throat, Jongin turns. “We’re not even anything anymore so there’s no reason for me to call you on a first name basis, remember? Or is ‘Lu Han-ssi’ better?”

Lu Han is stunned and Jongin is, too. “Ah, sorry.” Jongin shakes his hand away from Lu Han’s grip on his sleeve. “It wasn’t right to talk to you like that. It’s not right to get angry with you.”

“Why aren’t you?”

“What?”

Lu Han bites his lip. “Why aren’t you angry with me?”

Jongin doesn’t answer but he laughs, pained and forced that made Lu Han close his eyes, trying to push the sound out of his ears. It hurts, seeing Jongin like this. But Lu Han can’t help but question the younger boy of his actions and curiosity makes the best of him

“If I got angry, would you be happier?” Jongin turns around once more and heads for the door. “Forget it. It’s fine, hyung. Don’t worry about me anymore.” He picks up his shoes and puts them on his feet before turning the knob and walking out the door.

“It won’t change anything and you won’t come back to me anyway.”