It’s funny.

Luhan thinks it must have been a joke that the Gods are playing with him. It’s all a big, sick, twisted joke that Luhan finds himself wanting to run after Jongin the moment the door closed shut. It’s not even something that he has thought over, the urge just came when he saw the slumped slope of Jongin’s shoulders and the tenseness in his actions.

It must have been all those years of being in a relationship with Jongin that it’s instinctual how Luhan wants to go to the younger boy and take Jongin in his arms. It’s primal and it feels as if it’s embedded in his bones, the urge to comfort and be the one who’d take away the sadness in Jongin’s eyes. Even if Luhan knows it’s him who caused it all in the first place. Still, his rationality is forgotten and want takes over his mind.

He can almost feel the rush of adrenaline suddenly washing over his nerves that Luhan is taking a step forward, holding onto the knob with the pad of his hands. He twists it and pulls, expecting the coldness of the morning air hit his face. He can almost imagine the frost bite his face as he runs to where Jongin is walking away, pull him back and gather in his embrace. It’s only going to take a tug to the door only to find it stuck. As if something is stubbornly holding it in place.

“Don’t, please.”

Jongin’s voice is soft but Luhan hears him clearly. The lowness and the tender tone to it, Luhan can feel his chest tighten at the call but he keeps his grip in the knob and tries to pry it open.

“Jongin, let me-”

“No!” Luhan stops, the desperation in Jongin’s voice enough to make his blood rush to his ears and he finds himself freezing in place. Jongin has never shouted at him before. “I’m not letting you.”

He hears a thud and neither of them speaks that Luhan almost thought that Jongin has left. “Jongin-”

“Why did you do it, Luhan?” Luhan bites his lip as he rests his forehead against the door. His knees have gone weak and it’s the only solid thing that’s keeping hip upright. “Why were you going to run after me?”

“I don’t know.” He really doesn’t.

“Fine then, I’ll ask something that’s easier for you to answer.” Luhan shifts, suddenly tensing up in anticipation. “If I didn’t do this, If I had just walked away and you had caught up to me, what then?”

Luhan gulps and suddenly he remembers Wufan, he remembers how he’s the one who left and now it’s becoming that he’s the one who wants to come back. He’s the one who packed his bags and ran into Wufan’s embrace. He’s the one who left Jongin behind without so much of an explanation. Because he loves Wufan. Not Jongin.

He sighs and lets go on the knob, not exactly sure of what to do of his hands to he jams them in his pockets, squaring his shoulders and bracing himself. “I would have asked you not to come back.” He exhales. “I would have asked you to stop appearing in my life because I don’t want you in it anymore.”

There’s a click in the knob and Luhan knows Jongin has let go if it, too. There was silence for a long while that Luhan thinks Jongin might have already walked away. No sound was coming from the other side that Luhan relaxes his shoulders as he sits with his back resting against the door. He doesn’t even notice that his cheeks are wet until Luhan cups his face and finds it damp with his tears.

“So cruel.” It’s faint, and Luhan is almost alarmed that Jongin is still on the other side. “So, so cruel.”

Luhan sighs. “Leave, Jongin.”

“See Luhan. This is the only thing I hated about you. You’re a ing coward, that’s what you are.” Jongin snaps. “I know you still cry because of me. I know because I talk to Yixing hyung, I ask him about you and how you’re doing, if you’re happy or if you’re eating normally.” Jongin sighs. “What a ing idiot I am. Holding onto the fact that you crying over me might still give me a chance, that you might want to come back to me but I assumed wrong, haven’t I?”

Luhan doesn’t answer and he lets Jongin continue. “Remember what you told me when I started courting you in high school? Do you? You told me to back off because I was just a kid, that I don’t stand a chance because you were already in love with someone else. I knew you were talking about Wufan but when he left, I thought I had a chance because you two have already broken up.”

“But you opened up to me after a while, and I thought there’s a space somewhere in your cold heart for me and I should have ing known. Stupid Jongin was convenient so hey, why not use him until Wufan comes back?”

Luhan can feel anger bubbling in his chest that his fists tighten and curl up, nails digging into his palms as he stands up and yanks the door open.

Jongin’s facing him, a smirk on his face that Luhan is momentarily stunned until he notices the traces of tried up tears staining Jongin’s face. It’s making him even angrier, because Jongin had no right to cry after insulting him as if he didn’t matter.

“I loved you, you ing .”

“No, you didn’t.”

Luhan glares at him. ”I did.”

“Stop lying to me, Luhan.” Jongin’s voice is soft now, his shoulders relaxed and Luhan stiffens at this. “If you loved me in the first place, you would not have fallen for someone else.”

Luhan scoffs. “You think you’re so clean? What about Soojung, then? What about the time I wanted to surprise you at work then I find your tongue stuck down pretty little Jung Soojung’s throat?”

Jongin is startled at this and glares. “She pushed herself onto me, I told you already.”

“You looked like you were enjoying it, huh Jongin? Your hands were around her waist and all.”

Jongin growls and Luhan bites his lip out of reflex. “She came onto me. You knew this and she told you as well.”

It’s true. Luhan knows that Jongin had nothing to do with that little incident and that Jongin was clean. It’s just that this moment of confrontation, he needed something to blame on Jongin because he feels exposed under Jongin’s heated glares. Luhan isn’t even sure that he has a conscience until he felt it knocking on the gates of his heart. Jongin was slicing him open with every word and Luhan just needed to protect himself. He needed to.

“Fine.” Jongin breaks the silence. “I didn’t even know what I expected to hear from you. It’s just that I thought you’d be brave about your feelings, even this last time and confront me. You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you think it’s best if you just packed your bags and ran away, not even caring to think about the one you’re going to leave behind. And you know what Luhan? Congratulations, you got what you wanted because I realized you’re not the only one who has given up.”

Luhan thinks this is it, it’s for the best that Jongin is finally backing off and leaving him alone. It’s for the best, so Luhan can move on to a life with Wufan. He can sleep at night, knowing Jongin isn’t going to hold on and isn’t going to keep on hanging. Bit by bit, he can loosen the grips of guilt tugging incessantly at him because he can finally live a peaceful life with Wufan, a life without constantly worrying about Jongin.

The thought makes his stomach churn and somehow, he feels uncomfortable with the sole idea of having Jongin out of his life.