It wasn’t even just about love anymore.

“I’m home.”

For him, whatever it is or whatever it was, it has already become something less, like holding onto something that he knows is never going to work. He clings and he hopes, yearning for the day for the problem to reveal itself (so Jongin can understand because he’s just so ing lost right now) and would someday fix itself (because he knows he can’t and he somehow knows Lu Han won’t).

“Lu Han?”

Holding onto Lu Han was like clutching broken shards of glass, pointless and irreversible. The pain continues to seep through the cuts and the red mocking color of blood trickles down his palm, but the hurt and all that’s lost will never come back because the damage was done. The damage was already done and Jongin wishes he can turn back time but he can’t so he’s still stuck on hoping for something that will just fruit into nothing. Nothing.

“Hey, you’re home.”

“I had to visit the..Jung’s.” Jongin shifts his weight to one foot as the air tenses and he can barely even breathe. “I’m sorry. Did you wait long?”

Lu Han smiles at him and Jongin just wants to grab him and press the other against his chest. He wants nothing else than to circle his arms around him so Lu Han can feel every pump of his heartbeat and every hitch of his breath, every rise of the goose bumps on his arms and every fill of satisfaction in his mind. But then he remembers that what he wants was breaching territory and things between them just weren’t the same anymore.

Lu Han shakes his head and he pauses. “Jongin, can we talk?”

It was achingly familiar whenever he hears those words. There was something close to hurt and desperation laced in Lu Han’s tone that made Jongin look up and meet the other’s eyes. And he just hopes that he didn’t because if only eyes can talk, Lu Han’s can scream and shout at him that the sensation already makes him deaf though there were no words exchanged.

A part of Jongin hurts because he thinks he already knows what Lu Han wants to talk about and Jongin isn’t sure that he can give Lu Han his freedom and for himself to be left alone. Selfish, he knows, but Lu Han is all he’s familiar with, is what his entire being has, and all he would ever need to survive. So Jongin shakes his head, and walks past the other as if he didn’t hear anything and there were no tears threatening to pool in Lu Han’s eyes.

“Look Lu Han, I’m tired so can we do this some other time?”

“Oh, okay. Sorry for.. It’s just.” He hears Lu Han sigh, and Jongin almost (extremely) hates himself from how weary it sounds.  “Good night, Jongin.”

“Do you know?” Lu Han starts as he rests his back against Jongin’s chest, snuggles comfortably against the broad surface and redirects his attention back to the view of the setting sun ahead. “I hated you when we first met.”

“Really now?” Jongin retorted as he tightened his arms around Lu Han’s waist and rested his head on the crevice between the other’s shoulder and neck. “It didn’t seem like that was the case.”

“Well, it was. And you were such an .”

Jongin smirks. “But you fell for me in the end, anyway.”

“Yes, and I still hate you for that.” Lu Han digs in and grabs a handful of sand, raises his arm up and lets the grains fall loose off his fingers. “You kept pestering me for my number and then, one day, you just..stopped.”

“Hmm.”

“At first, I thought it was a relief that you did. Then I don’t know what happened that the situation reversed and I was the one looking all over for you, when you were gone from school for almost a week.”

“You really missed me back then, didn’t you?”

“Nope.”

Jongin can’t help but let the forceful grin make way to decorate his face as he tips Lu Han’s head back and presses his lips against Lu Han’s. “I love you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You ready to go?”

This time, it’s a Monday, they’re at Lu Han’s studio and it’s only six in the evening. It’s almost a miracle how Jongin was let off work early so he can pick Lu Han up from the other side of town. Because usually, he would be off by ten and he’s left to go home by himself where he would sometimes find Lu Han curled up on the couch or (like how it mostly is these days) just plain cold dinner waiting for him on the table.

“Five minutes.” Lu Han barely looks up, absorbed by his own work and Jongin takes a few tentative steps to peek at the canvas.

“Can I?” Jongin starts, placing his hands that were starting to sweat into his pockets.

Jongin walks and Lu Han only nods.

“Is this..me?”

Lu Han says nothing as he just smiles and continues, only giving a nonchalant shrug in return. “Yeah.”

Jongin takes a deep breath before swallowing, gripping the inside cotton of his pockets to ease his nervousness. Guilt was clawing at the back of his mind and sharp blades tear at the walls of his throat that Jongin thinks his mouth has already become painfully dry to even draw out his words. “And this..”

“Yeah..” It’s unfair how Lu Han can keep his composure and his posture straight as he finishes the last touches on the painting. It’s unfair how Lu Han can just draw out a picture of two people who, Jongin assumes, are contented together and are most definitely in love. He knows he’s one of the two, but then Lu Han is not the other half and Jongin just curses it all but just can’t bring himself to hate the other man after all, only hating himself more and more. “I drew Soojung pretty well, huh?”

Jongin clenches his fists at the smile decorating Lu Han’s face, as if he’s actually proud of his work. Jongin is trying not to mind it, but it has become so pointedly hard to ignore that Lu Han was so passive of all of this and so supportive when all Jongin ever wanted was for Lu Han to show his emotions, his thoughts, his opinions. Hell, he would not even mind if Lu Han lashed at him or shouted at him but Lu Han is doing none of those, Lu Han has done none of those and Jongin thinks Lu Han won’t do those at all and he’s becoming more and more afraid because if that’s what Lu Han isn’t going to do, Jongin has got no ing idea what else is left for him to expect.

“I’ll be in the car.” Jongin shifts his feet away to the exit, holding the cold knob in his hands before turning to walk away. “Finish up. I’ll wait for you there.”

It’s faint. “Okay.” And right now, Jongin hates to think that Lu Han sounds hurt as much as he is.

“No, Jongin. I am not going to do this with you again. Do you remember the last time you brought me here? We almost got ourselves killed!”

“Well, Lu Han. We-”

“Why are you so calm about this? Do you even see those waves? It looks like it’s about to eat me and-why the are you laughing!”

“You have something on your face.” Jongin points at the corner of his lips as he keeps that mocking grin stuck to his face.

Lu Han narrows his eyes at him and Jongin’s smile widens even more. “Where?!”

“On your nose. It looks ugly, like a large newly forming disgusting zit.”

“What?! Where?!”

“Here.” Jongin steps closer and kisses the other. Only pressing his lips against Lu Han’s and pulls away, satisfied that the same trick still works whenever he wants to shut Lu Han up.

“It’s not funny, Jongin.”

“To me, it is.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Lu Han rolls his eyes and Jongin only winds his hands around Lu Han’s hips. “I’m still not going to do this crazy suicide jump with you.”

“It’s just diving off a cliff, Lu Han.”

“It’s night-time and what if instead of landing in water, we hit sharp rocks instead? No.”

Jongin just beams at Lu Han’s outburst but doesn’t protest either way. “So you’ll let me die? Alone?”

“As much as I hate to burst your ego bubble, but yes, I’ll let you drown down there alone.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Drowning to death isn’t exactly how I pictured my life to end, Jongin.”

“Then how do you expect to die?”

“I thought I’d..” Lu Han snakes his arms around Jongin’s neck and presses their bodies closer, digs his hands in Jongin’s hair for the warmth his hands need as the cool night breeze mercilessly lashes at their skin. “I thought I’d rather grow old with you. It’s much more appealing, isn’t it?”

Jongin loves it when Lu Han becomes like this, even at the most random of times. Because it wasn’t everyday that the older would profess his love or would even declare something as incredibly sappy as what’s usually in those teenage movies. “Cheesy.”

Lu Han smiled. “You like it anyway.”

Somewhere in him, Jongin believes that love is built on trust. Love is something that has to be well taken care of, something that’s to be nurtured for it to stand sturdy and for it to last as long as he wants it to.

“Jongin,”

Although, a part of him still believes that love can still thrive whether the trust was broken. Love can fight and stand against all odds if two people really love each other and are willing to stay together despite all the hindrances that may come their way.

“Jongin, I’m sorry but..”

“You’re sorry?” Jongin frowns. “Why are you sorry? Do tell me, Lu Han ah.”

It wasn’t as if he’s being shallow or unreasonable for acting this way. It’s not in his nature to hate Lu Han because he’s incapable of hating the person he loves the most. Jongin knows he loves Lu Han and the last time he’s checked, Lu Han loves him back but now, Jongin’s not even sure whether his love is being reciprocated because Lu Han is leaving and Jongin is still so ing lost.

“It’s not you, Jongin. Believe me. It’s just..” Jongin bites his lip and Lu Han’s still standing in front of him, with his luggage and bags in between.

“Can’t you stay?”

Please.

“I’ll change, I’ll do anything. It’s because of my job, right? I’ll take a week off work, no, a month off work, then we can go where you want Lu Han-ah, you choose then we’ll fly there immediately.” Somehow, his voice doesn’t stutter nor does his mouth freeze because Jongin knows he can’t afford to have his mishaps right now, not when he’s about to lose the man he loves the most. “Please.”

“Jongin ah..” At the call of his name, Jongin looks up and clenches his fists as he sees tears falling from Lu Han’s eyes. He can’t tell exactly what the Chinese male was crying for but Jongin sees most hints of hurt, not regret, and Jongin thinks his heart so much as stings.

“I love you, I do. I love you and I will still keep on loving you. Even if we’re not together anymore, even if we might be in two separate worlds, even if we won’t see each other again, promise me Jongin-ah. Promise me you won’t blame yourself.”

“How can I not blame myself? You’re ing leaving me and if I hadn’t arrived earlier, I would have an empty house to welcome me home.” Jongin smirks. “It’s pretty impossible to do what you say, isn’t it?”

“Still, Jongin. Promise me.”

He thinks a part of him hurts from how Lu Han looks so composed and sure of all of this. He’s certain the older male has his mind already made up and Jongin knows he won’t be able to change it, not when Lu Han’s still standing rigidly while Jongin has already fallen to the floor, his back resting against the wall and his mind already spinning because the tears are in his eyes and he’s distracted by the wetness gracing down his cheeks.

“, Lu Han, why the are you asking me that when you won’t even tell me your bags are all packed and there’s that ing cab waiting for you at the gate!”

Lu Han says nothing, but he can see the flow of tears so Jongin continues.

“It’s about Soojung, isn’t it? You think I’m still with her, huh?” Jongin pauses when he sees Lu Han’s eyes close in resignation and his form mirroring his own, their feet knocking themselves in the hallway as they sit across from each other.

“It’s you who I go home to everyday. It’s your number that I save my first speed dial to, it’s your face that I see when I wake up every morning, it’s you who I celebrate Valentine’s day with or any other ing random day with, it’s you who I love and why the is it so hard for you to understand that-“

“Jongin, I’ve found someone else.”