Lu Han has always deemed himself to be the type who doesn't lose focus easily. He's the type that when he gets into his work, he dedicates himself fully and drifts into his own world only to have a tap on his shoulder and tell him it's almost eight in the evening. It's always like that, he arrives at the studio and Lu Han gets a hold of his easel and canvas he was working on the day before, have his dirty apron over his clothes and a stomach rumbling until Jongin comes to get him and take him out to dinner. He was more accustomed to that routine, where Jongin drops him off and Jongin picks him up at the end of the day because it's them, Jongin and Lu Han, or Lu Han and Jongin all the same.

So when the clock has struck and tells Lu Han that it's already eight, he keeps on sneaking glances at the clock just minutes after only to have himself look all over again. He hates just how much he unconsciously keeps on darting his eyes between the wall clock and the closed door, because maybe, Lu Han wants the routine back and maybe-

"Lu Han?"

There's a sudden excitement bubbling at the pit of his stomach when he sees the knob turn and open slightly, before revealing Wufan in his work clothes, not Jongin and his sleepy self. By this, Lu Han can't help but be distracted by the feeling of disappointment lingering somewhere within him.

"Oh, hey."

Lu Han hangs his head low as he hears the footsteps approaching him. "Are you done here?"

It was unusual for him to hear those words. Because if it were Jongin, Jongin would say how beautiful his work was even though it's not halfway done yet and how he was sure it would turn into another masterpiece, Lu Han would laugh and tell him he was being silly, and then Jongin would hug him from behind and Jongin would kiss him then before they leave hand-in-hand to head home.

His thoughts were drifting off again that he doesn't notice Wufan resting his back against the adjacent wall as he absent-mindedly washes the paint off his fingers.

"It's been two weeks already."

Lu Han spares a glance at him before returning to his task at hand. "I know."

"Doesn't look like it. Not much improved since day one."

By now, Lu Han is wiping his hands dry as he turns his back to Wufan and opts to rearrange his bottles of paint. "Can we not talk about it, please."

"I think you're being very cowardly, Lu Han. You even know it yourself."

"Stop it."

"Then stop being such a hypocrite. You're the one who broke up with him and lied about everything else."

Lu Han bites his lip and it's not like he has anything else to say. "I know, Wufan, but please, just drop it. You can shove it all to my face one day, I'll give you the right, just not today, please."

Wufan doesn't answer back but only lets out a sigh of resignation, and Lu Han is thankful that Wufan has chosen not argue with him this time. "I'll wait for you in the car, then."

Lu Han nods slightly before turning back to fixing his brushes and washing them for the second time already. The clicking of the lock soon follows as Lu Han finds himself falling to the floor, his knees drawn to his chest as he hugs himself close and lets the sound of the running water drown out his cries.

¤¤¤

"Wufan told me you haven't been eating much lately."

"He's exaggerating."

Yixing raises an eyebrow at him and Lu Han looks away just in time to see a kid and his mother walking happily down the street. The sight makes him smile to himself momentarily before seeing Yixing's frowing face before him.

"I know you're still hung up but have you even seen a mirror lately? You're skinnier than the female models I work with and trust me when I tell you that it's not healthy."

"I just.. I'm not hungry. Even when I haven't eaten all day, I'm just not hungry."

The air between them is silent and all that's heard is the faint whirring of the conversations of the other customers in the cafe they frequent. It's lunchtime and many people come and go. Lu Han is somehow thankful for the constant noise because Lu Han thinks he doesn't want to live with silence anymore, anything but silence will do.

"Jongin's not any different, really."

As if on instinct, Lu Han lifts his head up immediately at the mention of Jongin's name. He knows his eyes must have been more alert now, like he's on a sudden rush of caffeine and as fast as the rush comes is just as fast as how it goes. Lu Han catches himself and sums up the will to lean back into his seat because his eagerness and worry are making him more restless.

"J-Jongin?" Lu Han pauses and chances a glance at Yixing before choosing to direct his attention to the sweat gathering in his palm.

Yixing nods. "He hasn't shown up at the agency for weeks. Been missing a lot of projects and important gigs, even rejects the calls I make."

The air is stale and uncomfortable and no one says anything. The topic has suddenly shifted to being about Jongin and Lu Han just can't help but ask. "How is he?"

"From what I saw yesterday, Jongin's got dark circles under his eyes, his cheeks are hollow and his ribs are sticking out." Yixing sighs. "Being in that condition isn't good for a model. Especially not when Jongin's slowly climbing the top these days. Boss even scolded him yesterday and told him not to return until he got his body back."

Yixing stops talking as he sees that the look on Lu Han's face has become distant. They've been friends for so long that Yixing has learned when to read the air and when to push the right buttons when needed. And right now, Lu Han needs the right shove because the situation isn't doing good for both Jongin and him.

"Have you talked to him again?"

Lu Han looks at him and frowns. "I-I can't do that."

Yixing stops for a moment to sip at his drink before continuing. "But don't you think it's for the best if there's some closure, at least?"

"Isn't that closure enough? I already left. Packed my bags and left." Yixing is silent and Lu Han knows it's a silent encouragement for him to continue. "And Jongin, he just- he let me. He didn't get angry with me, didn't shout, didn't do anything." Lu Han bites his lip. "He didn't even ask me to stay."

"No offense, but I probably would have let you go if I were the one is Jongin's place, too." Yixing purses his lips and Lu Han looks away. "You were cheating on him, remember?"

Yixing looks momentarily stunned before hastily grabbing a napkin to sit beside him. "Hey, Lu Han, I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry." Yixing dabs the napkin on his cheek that Lu Han realizes he must have been crying again. It's strange because he didn't even feel the tears running down or the drops falling on his palms, the numbness has taken over again as Lu Han closes his eyes in resignation and just lets it flow away.

¤¤¤

This time, he's at his studio again and Lu Han has no choice but to embrace the silence. Silence has always been his best friend, he should have been used to this after all these weeks of solitude and days and hours without Jongin. The absence makes him long for Jongin unlike anyhting else, and it doesn't help that his studio is covered in everything and anything that reminds him of the younger man.

Lu Han drifts his eyes to the picture frame he has kept hanging on the opposite wall. It has a photo of him and Jongin, the latter smiling happily at the camera with the amusement park as the background. Lu Han remembers it well, it was Jongin's birthday back then and the younger boy was wearing that silly Krong hat as Lu Han has his eyes closed and was kissing his cheek. Lu Han grins at the memory and immediately shakes his head because there's a familiar pang in his chest and a churning feeling at the back of his throat.

The second item Lu Han sees is the mug that Jongin had made for him back in high school. It was those days when Lu Han was not even close to acknowledging Jongin's presence and opts to ignore him whenever the younger boy comes around. He was caught off guard that day when Jongin sprung out of nowhere and forced the mug into his hands. "I made this for you, hyung." Lu Han remembers the way Jongin's eyes crinkled and when he immediately left with an accomplished smile on his lips.

The third was Jongin's own painting of Lu Han that one time they spent the day together in this very studio. Jongin had a day off but Lu Han had a deadline to meet so Jongin had no other choice but to wait. Lu Han remembers how Jongin shuffled around as he grabbed his own canvas and paint set, and settled his seat across Lu Han. "What are you doing?" Lu Han had asked him as Jongin replied with a boyish grin. "Painting you. Wait, Lu Han! You can't look yet!" Lu Han remembers how hard he must have laughed because all Jongin had come up with were silly and a messy mix of colors that strangely resembles Lu Han, in one point if you look at it. "I'm a natural." Jongin blurts out and Lu Han snorts. "Yeah, right."

The fourth was-

"Lu Han?"

"Yeah?"

Lu Han looks up and finds Wufan standing at the doorway. His lips are settled into a frown as he walks over and fishes his handkerchief out of his pocket. "You've been crying again."

"I wasn't." Lu Han claims as he stands up and heads out. "I'm fine, Wufan."

"If you say so." Wufan sighs. "Are you ready to go? Yixing's already at the restaurant and I told him I'll just pick you up."

Lu Han nods as he grabs his bag and keys. "Yeah."

The cold night isn't very welcoming as Lu Han draws his arms closer to himself and tugs the jacket tighter. Wufan must have seen this as he puts an arm over Lu Han's shoulders and smiles, Lu Han smiles back gratefully.

Wufan stops, however, as he puts his arms back down and clears his throat. "Lu Han." Wufan tilts his head to the side and Lu Han follows his line of sight.

Lu Han doesn't expect his breath to be caught in his throat as he finds himself standing stiffly and frozen in his tracks. He finds Jongin standing before him with a black coat thrown over his figure and his hands shoved into his pockets. No one says anything for a moment before Wufan reaches down to lace his fingers with Lu Han's to give in an encouraging squeeze. Lu Han can see Jongin's eyes trail to their linked fingers, looking blank as ever and Lu Han hates just how much he can't read what Jongin must be thinking right now.

"Jongin." Wufan is the first to speak up and even Lu Han is surprised by how steady Wufan's voice is. Jongin still isn't saying anything, but his eyes are holding Lu Han's gaze and Lu Han still can't read what is going on in Jongin's mind. "What brings you here?"

Jongin clears his throat. "I brought these. I just thought Lu Han might want his things back." He holds up a paper bag and continues. "You forgot these when you packed."

Lu Han takes the bag and looks inside. There are some of the clothes that Lu Han remembers he gave to Jongin, gifts he gave to Jongin, even his own toothbrush was included. "I'll drop by to return your paintings tomorrow, I have your spare key and I'll return it as well. Don't worry, I'll return them first thing in the morning so you won't have to see me unnecessarily."

Lu Han still isn't saying anything and his eyes are in a daze. He can feel coldness taking over his hand as he realizes that Wufan has already walked to the car and has now left him alone with Jongin.

Jongin avoids his eyes and Lu Han only stares at his feet. "So, it's Wufan."

Lu Han nods.

"He's a good man." Jongin sighs and shoves his hand back into his pockets. "He must love you a lot."

Lu Han remains still as he turns his head to stare at anything to distract him. He wants to look at Jongin's face, wants to imprint every little detail of Jongin in his mind, wants to succumb to the temptation of running back into Jongin's arms. But then Lu Han remembers what they are now, that the realization hits him rapidly behind his closed lids.

"Are you happy? With..him." Jongin questions him and Luhan can't even process what Jongin must have said because all of this is turning into a huge blur that Luhan has trouble keeping up. So he nods and shifts his feet.

"Sorry. I must he holding you back." Jongin says. "I better leave now, and, just, I'm sorry, Lu Han. I'm sorry for showing up unannounced."

"Okay," Lu Han breathes out, still avoiding Jongin's eyes.

Silence takes over between them and Lu Han can sense Jongin stepping closer. He can see Jongin's shoes within his sight as he instinctively steps back and he hears Jongin's faint laugh. "I repulse you that much, huh?"

Jongin's chuckles loom over them and Luhan hastily speaks, "No, Jongin, it's not like that-"

"No, it's fine." Jongin pauses. "I'm disgusting, aren't I? Coming back here every night just to hope to get a glimpse of you and just- I'm sorry, Luhan. This won't happen again. You won't see me anymore, I promise."

Jongin's final retreating footsteps are what Lu Han hears as his eyes follow Jongin's back heading down the street. Every lamppost Jongin passes by plays with his shadow and Lu Han can't help but to stay rooted and only have his eyes trail Jongin's every step until darkness soon takes over and Lu Han once again finds himself at the breaking point of everything all over again.
 

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