Lu Han never thought that the day that he’d hate silence would come.

Silence was his friend, a ready comfort zone when his heart is too busy hammering in his chest and when he can’t seem to find any sign of peace in his mind. Silence was his companion when he needed an anchor to hold on to when his state of thinking wasn’t so stable and utterly confused. Silence was what he had when there were no words needed in between him and Jongin for their relationship never really needed words in the first place.

They had silence filling up the space but what the each of them wanted to say can still be understood loud and clear. Their eyes do the talking and their hearts are just connected that Lu Han has been accustomed to things staying that way, even from the very start.

Perhaps it’s the fact that neither he nor Jongin were talkative to begin with, and that for them, actions were heavier than words that the both of them have grown more comfortable with their lips sealed shut.

But now, Lu Han thinks he might have liked the situation a little better if Jongin talked or lashed at him, like how he was just an hour ago. Even the littlest mumble, or the faintest whisper, Lu Han might be fine with at least those but Jongin isn’t saying anything. Jongin isn’t even looking at him. He’s just sitting on the floor with his arms around his folded legs, head leaning against the opposite wall and his eyes trained on Lu Han’s luggage that was piled up by the door.

"Jongin?"

"Yeah?"

Lu Han bites his lip. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine I-I'm fine."

Jongin murmurs and Lu Han wasn’t expecting those words out of Jongin’s mouth. At most, he expected Jongin to get angry at him, curse him, or the worst, kick him willingly out of the house.

"Since when?"

"..two months ago."

But then, looking back, Lu Han hasn’t even seen Jongin get angry with him, ever. It is this knowledge that Lu Han’s heart feels like it’s being shredded to pieces at how Jongin looks like he’s hurting much more than he appears to be.

"Oh, then, where did you two meet? What does he do? Does he treat you well?”

Lu Han says nothing at this and it’s not as if he has anything to say in the first place. The other’s eyes are still staring at his luggage and once in a while, Jongin would close his eyes and take a deep breath before pointedly ignoring Lu Han’s gaze once more.

"Sorry I asked. I know it's none of my business and, it's just, I'm sorry."

He can’t decipher what Jongin was thinking, nor can he figure out what was exactly reflected in Jongin’s eyes. But Lu Han thinks he might as well just have left an hour ago, it could have been better if he just left even before Jongin came home because then, he would not be here, following the path of Jongin’s tears cascading down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry.” Jongin smiles at him.

A faint tinge of copper lingers in his tongue and he might have cut his lip from biting it too much. This time, their eyes meet and Lu Han doesn’t find any hint of malice from his words.

“You can’t go to your lover with your eyes swollen like that. He won’t be happy now, won’t he?”

There was no hate, there was no resentment. Jongin’s eyes were softly looking at him and Lu Han can’t bring himself to look back because guilt was creeping at the back of his mind and eating at his insides slowly. There was even a smile in Jongin’s lips, not mocking, not laughing at him, just the plain old smile that Lu Han has grown to love so much.

“Lu Han?”

“Yeah, Jongin?”

“Please don’t cry.” Jongin rests his chin on his arms before continuing. “Don’t cry.”

Lu Han finds himself still and just lets the tears fall down his face. His shirt has dark spots from where the wetness has fallen and he shakes his head.

“I can’t, Jongin.”

Just then, Jongin stands up and Lu Han looks, only to find Jongin placing himself in front of him. His legs are spread on either of Lu Han’s sides and his hands are making way to hold Lu Han’s hands in his palm. “You’re still a cry baby, huh?” Jongin chuckles before lifting one of his arms. There was hesitation in the way how Jongin places his fingers against his neck, how Jongin uses his thumb to wipe away the tear stains on his face, how Jongin touches him as if he was just precious porcelain and it was as if Jongin was almost willing to let him go.

Minutes pass by, Lu Han has lost count and he’s not even minding the pain in his back for how long he must have stayed in this position. All this while, Jongin was just staring at him, his thumbs wiping every tear that attempts to fall down Lu Han’s face.

"I'll be fine, you know." Jongin grins. "But, I guess you didn't really want to know that."

Jongin stutters at the last part but Lu Han catches the waver in Jongin's tone. It's been a while since he has heard Jongin this insecure, this vulnerable. And he's not even sure if he even wanted to preserve this memory because no matter how precious Jongin may look like right now, Lu Han knows, in the end, he's still to blame.

"I'll be fine." Jongin whispers more to himself and Lu Han does nothing but succumb to the pang in his chest. "I'm okay."

Seven years ago, if he were to be asked, Lu Han wouldn't even waste a second to spare for Jongin. The Lu Han back then wouldn't so much as glance at the younger one when he can feel Jongin's eyes trained on his every move. The Lu Han in the past wouldn't even think he'd be in a relationship this long, much less be in a commitment with Jongin, the Jongin who sticks to him like glue, the Jongin who irritated the wits out of him, the Jongin whom Lu Han has unknowingly grown to love as the day passes by.

Jongin coughs and retreats his arms before going back to his original position by the opposite wall. Now, Jongin is out of his reach. And Lu Han just wants himself to be wrapped in the younger's arms, even this last time. But given the circumstances, even Lu Han himself knows, it's pretty impossible to wish for that now.

"Can I ask you something, though Lu Han?"

At the call of his name, Lu Han looks up and willingly wipes the tears from his face this time. "What is it?"

"It's my fault, isn't it? It's because I don't have the time for you anymore, it's because I don't appreciate you enough. It's because you're happier with him.." Jongin looks away. "Happier without me."

Lu Han says nothing and Jongin continues.

"Isn't it?" Jongin pauses to his lips. "I'm right, aren't I?"

There was nothing to say. Lu Han can't even bring himself to look at Jongin's slumped figure as the shame trickles up his neck and chest.

"At first, I wanted to get angry with you, Lu Han. I really did. But I somehow predicted this, that you'd leave me some day. Do you know why?"

Lu Han shakes his head.

"It's because you don't even smile at me anymore. Do you know that?" Jongin laughs and Lu Han cringes at the hurt lingering behind. "You don't even look at me anymore, much less talk to me so I guess it's to be expected after all. Right?"

Choked sobs escape from his throat and Lu Han is very aware of this, because when he tried to speak or even come up with something to dispel Jongin's statements, nothing comes out of his mouth. It's as if all the words die before he can muster up the courage to form them properly. He knows it's not Jongin's fault, it's his own cowardice that Lu Han has been reduced to such a spineless being and now he's just letting the other man slip between his fingers.

"I'm sorry." Jongin breaks the silence and Lu Han looks up at him. "I'm sorry I made you lonely."

By this time, Jongin is now standing and pulling Lu Han up with him. "I'm sorry I made you wait all those nights for me to come home."

Instictively, Lu Han worries his bottom lip between his teeth as Jongin gently wipes Lu Han's cheeks with his thumb. "I'm sorry I wasn't who you expected me to be."

Jongin laces their fingers together and his other arm wraps around Lu Han's waist. "I'm sorry you got stuck with me. All these years, you've been stuck with pathetic ol' Jongin,eh?"

Jongin smiles at him and Lu Han can feel his tears race down his cheeks. "I'm sorry that I loved you."

Lu Han can see Jongin's face coming closer and Jongin's breath against his lips. He's too close, just a little bit more, but not enough. "Can I?"

Jongin closes the distance between them and Lu Han lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding. It feels so good to be like this, to be this close to Jongin, to be this cozy as Jongin Lu Han's lips and pulls him even closer. It was as if there was nothing else that can compare to the feeling of touching Jongin's chest as he tries to push him away but Jongin only winds his arms tighter around Lu Han back. "Please. Just this last time."

And Lu Han's defenses shatter to the ground as he tugs at Jongin's collar to take him deeper. Their tongues are dancing in each other's mouths and Lu Han didn't even care to think who let out the moan that broke the silence surrounding them. Lu Han tilts his head as he grabs the ends of Jongin's hair and Jongin dives inside Lu Han's mouth. Tasting him, cherishing him, marking him as someone who once belonged to Jongin, and not anyone else.

It was easy to pretend that this kiss won't end, that this moment of intimacy wouldn't soon cease to exist. It was the all the feelings channeled through this kiss that make Lu Han lose himself in the sea of emotions that Jongin drowns him in.

But all good things are destined to come to an end. Jongin pulls away and Lu Han rests his forehead against Jongin’s as they both try to catch their breaths. Jongin was still beautiful with his lips swollen red and his sweaty bangs plastered to one side. It was this image that Lu Han swears he would imprint at the back of his mind even through the ruthlessness of time.

"You should go." Jongin whispers as he once again eyes Lu Han's luggage by the door.

"I- yeah." Lu Han closes his eyes in resignation as he carries one bag and to his surprise, Jongin is helping him carry the other two.

The walk down the stone path, through the gate and near the door of the cab was silent and the both of them know there was nothing else left for them to say.

"Jongin," Lu Han calls out when Jongin stuffed his things in and closed the trunk. He can see Jongin's balled fists in his pockets and Lu Han continues. "I'm leaving now."

Jongin blinks and remains unmoved. "I can see that."

"I just want-" Lu Han sighs as he places his hands inside his pockets. The chill was penetrating his bones, as if paralyzing him, but Lu Han knows it's not because of the coldness of the air. "I'm sorry."

"But not sorry enough to stay."

The sight before him was probably the worst that night. Seeing the house that he and Jongin built together all those years get smaller and smaller in his eyes, the light from the lamppost just across the street getting fainter, the darkness of the evening slowly enveloping Jongin's standing form as if the black blanket was eating him up and Lu Han knows there's nothing else he can do.

There's nothing else he can take back.
 

*