I expect him to freak out and call the familiar guys dressed all in white but he just keeps starring at me. Like he has never seen me before. I guess, in a way he hasn't. It's the first time I've put down my mask. I feel ,  exposed. It's uncomfortable, but liberating at the same time. Now, I don't need to act anymore... I don't need to pretend. The time is slowly passing, the clock in the kitchen keeps ticking and I am getting more and more scared. Why doesn't he say anything? Does he think, I will flip if he says something I don't want to hear? I guess, that's what you would expect from a crazy person. I try to remember if I have ever made a mistake with him, if I have somehow lost it before but I don't  think, I have. Why doesn't he just tell me, that he thinks I'm mad? Why is he prolonging my agony? I can see, he doesn't believe me. It's written all over his face so why is he silent? Why does he still make me hope? I try to calm myself down, try to prepare for the heartbreak, that I know it's coming but I am loosing the fight within myself. I've improved so much during the years, I don't why lately, it's started to be so hard again. My pulse increases and I feel the attack coming. I want to warn CNU but before I can open my mouth, he starts talking. I feel so frustrated. Why hasn't he talked before? Why must he start now when I am about to loose it?

"I don't know what to say... I... Are you kidding me? Is this some kind of twisted hidden camera prank? Are you again just pulling my leg like when you acted sick before?" He laughs dryly. 

"No... of course not. You are not bad at acting, but you are not this good either. You mean everything, what you've just said and I honestly don't know how to deal with this. What do you expect from me? That I will say it's alright? That everything is fine and you are completely normal? Because I can't do that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing is alright with you. Gosh... How could you not tell us sooner? Who do you want to fool? Don't you realize, that this can destroy us all? What if the fans find out? Or the media? Do you think, they will understand? Do you think, that Sandeul, Baro, Gongchan and me won't be affected by this? If this gets out, we are all over. Finished. Gosh..."

"Hyung..." I rasp out. I don't usually adress him as hyung but now, if feels right to call him that. My vision is getting blurry and I tremble a little. I earn for comfort but he is not listening to me at all. He is too shocked, too angry.

"What? What do you want to say? What could you possibly say to make this alright? I ... I can't keep the promise. I have to tell the others. We must talk about this as a group. I can't make such a big decission on my own..."

I hear only about half of what he said. My mind is already drifting away, panic dominating my whole body. The trembles change into shakes and CNU finally notices, there is something wrong with me.

"Yah~" his voice quiver.

"What's up with you?"

I need to take a few calming breaths before I am able to answer.

"Panic attack."

He pales and backs away from me. The action is spontaneous, I know he is not thinking at the moment but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  I am not gonna attack him or anything. Gosh, in my condition, I can't even stand and yet, he looks like he wants to run away from me. Tears swell up in my eyes. Am I really such a monster? My breaths come faster and faster, I am about to hyperventilate, but there is no way to stop this. Everything darknes and it's not CNU who is moving away anymore, it's me putting more distance between us. It's here. The moment, when I want to flee. When everyone is the enemy and everything is scary. I put arms around me as if I wanted to hug myself and I back away to the corner of the room and try to appear as small as possible. My first instict is to run, to get away, but there is no way I can just dash out of the dorm like that so the best I can do right now is to hide. To try make myself invisible so that they can't see me. If they don't know where I am, they can't hurt me. I don't know who "they" are, but they are scary. I know CNU is watching me and I wish, I was in the bathroom, in the small familiar place, where I could wait for the attack to stop. 

He starts talking again. I hear his deep smoothing voice but I can't make out the words. I am too out of it. I close my eyes and pray for it to be over. Suddenly, I feel someone's arms around me and I panic even more. I try to struggle, but the other person holds me firmly and I realize is CNU. He is hugging me and breathing deeply, trying to make me even out my breath with him and it's working... Slowly, I start to calm down. I feel very weak and I collapse onto him. He is not shielding away from me anymore. My hair is damp from sweat, but he still starts to them gently.

"I'm sorry." I say softly.

"Does this happen often?"

"I used to have them every day, now they happen only a few times in a month... sometimes, they are more frequent, sometimes I don't have any for weeks..."

We are both quiet for a while. Me still shaken from the attack and him trying to understand the situation.

"I'm gonna tell the others."

"I know."

"Aren't you angry?"

"I'm tired... tired of always pretending to be someone I am not. Maybe it's for the best. I won't have to hide anymore and they deserve to know. I shouldn't have hidden this from you in the first place but don't worry. Like I said, I've never told the whole story to anyone so even if this gets out, I will only appear as a traumatized child and you will all be fine. I guess, some promises are just not meant to be kept." I smile bitterly. 

He is about to say something more when the door opens and the rest of the group walks in. All yawning and stretching their bodies, obviously they just woke up.

***

to be continued