You know what's funny? I am so used to the pain by now, that it didn't even crossed my mind, I could actually be sick for a change. We were in the practice room, rehearsing our title song, when I passed out. I wake up in the hospital and I almost panic, but I notice the members are also in the room and so I calm down a little. The situation is all to familiar to me. I again don't remember what happened prior to my fainting, and it brings back the memories. Last time I woke up in the hospital, I also didn't remember what happened before. I sigh. I thought the symptoms were a little strange, but I honestly didn't think I could be sick. Turns out I am. I catched some weird stomach flu, that's why my stomach was upset and my head hurt. The doctor prescribes me some medicine, tells us what food can I eat and warns me to take it easy until I recover and of course, come back if I feel worse. Since my condition is not serious, they let me go just like that. The good thing about the stomach flu is, that the doctor doesn't question my weight. He points out, I should be careful about it, but he thinks it's due to the stomach pain, that I haven't eaten much in the last days and that's why I am so skinny. I am sure grateful for it. I don't how could I explain it otherwise. Once we get back to the dorm, the members are unusually attentive. I think, it's the first time, that someone is sick so much. Well, Gongchan's condition was of course worse, but he was kept in the hospital, and later he stayed with his parents, so we only visited him. He didn't stay in the dorm with us so we couldn't exactly take care of him or see him being sick. When it got bad, we weren't allowed to see him so we only worried in silence. It was terrible. I took it pretty badly back them. All of us were really shaken and I feel bad, but I think, we are all a little nicer to Gongchan now. We know how it feels to be scared, he won't be with us anymore so we are grateful for his company even more. None of the members were sick in the dorm before, though. We catched a flu here and there, but it was just a running nose or something. Never anything too serious. I am the first one to be even discharged from a hospital and left in the care of the members. That's why they are all fussing and going all mother-hen on me. I find it cute and it makes me feel a little warm. I don't know what I would do without them. Seeing them caring for me so much, makes me happy. I know, it's weird, but I am honestly glad, they show so much interest in me. I feel a little guilty for troubling them, but I am grateful it's me who is sick and not them. I guess, my way of thinking is really not normal. 

***

I wake up in the middle of the night because the cramps in my stomach worsen. I curl up on the bed and try to breathe through it. This really . It's like my insides are burning. I grip the sheets on the bed, trying to keep quiet. I don't want to wake up the others. However, someone opens the door and walks in. I can't mask my pain anymore and I moan.

"Hey... Are you in pain? Should I get you the pills?"

It's CNU and I am relieved. At least, it's not the dongsaengs. I open my mouth to reply, when I feel a bile coming up, so I bolt from the bed and run towards the bathroom. CNU follows me. He rubs my back while I threw up and helps me back to the bed afterwards. My stomach hurts really bad and Dongwoo just goes and brings me the medicine. It amazes me how he always knows what to do or say. He really is like a mother. I take the pills and pray for the pain to go away soon. I want to be a man, to be tough and strong, but I am kinda weak in reality and gosh, this really hurt a lot. Dongwoo sits on the bed and starts to gently rub my stomach. The gesture warms my abdominal muscles and makes me feel a little better. I sigh. It's quiet for a while and as the drugs start to kick in and the pain dissapears, I start to fall asleep slowly. However, Dongwoo starts talking before I manage to fall asleep.

"I know, now it's not probably the best time to bring this up, but Jinyoung, this can't go on. Don't think, I haven't noticed, how thin you are and I can feel it right now. There is no escaping it. You can't lie anymore, because my hand is on your stomach right now and I can't find any fat. It's good to have a nice six pack, sure, but you are just flesh and bones and that's not healthy. Plus, I know there is something else troubling you. I understand, that you are trying to protect the members by keeping it all in and that as a leader, you feel responsability even towards me, but we are friends, aren't we? You can tell me. I promise, it will stay between us, but I can't watch you suffer alone anymore."

I'm speechless. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him? The truth is, I always wanted to share it with someone. To talk to someone about it. And not the psychologists. They may have a diploma, but they don't know me and they honestly weren't that much of a help in the past. I want to talk to someone close to me, but I feel I shouldn't. It will only hurt them and worry them and I know, they will pity me afterwards. That's why I keep it inside. That's why I haven't told everything even to my parents. However, CNU is right here and I know, I am selfish and maybe even cruel doing this to him, but he is right. I can't keep it inside forever. 

"I'll tell you tomorrow. I am too tired today, but Dongwoo? Be prepared. I don't know what you expect me to tell you, but my story ain't nice. It's some seriously dark stuff, so I'm just warning you. Think about it, you can still say no now, but once I tell you, there is no escaping it."

"Okay. Sleep then." He says and caress my hair.  I know he won't  say no, that my warning was just a waste of time, but it makes me feel a little less guilty. He choosed this afterall.

to be continued