I wake up early. CNU is still sleeping on the ground, curled up under the blanket, his long hair all over the place. After I threw up yesterday, he decided to stay with me in case I get sick again. I observe him for a moment. He appears calm, untroubled. The sound he makes with each breath is somehow cute. He is not really snoring, more like just heavily breathing and for some strange reason, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I made up my mind yesterday to be honest with him and tell him about me, but now, when I see him sleeping so happily, without any worry, I start to have doubts again. Should I really destroy the nice dream in which he is living with my screwed up personality? What right do I have to make him upset? To take away his peace, his bright smile and easiness of a mind? I sigh. The last thing I want is to hurt him but I feel a strange need to spill my secrets. Like I've been carrying this weight on my shoulder for too long and now, I want to share the burden with someone because I feel, I won't make it if I keep it inside any longer. 

CNU yawns and rolls around a bit before opening his eyes. I smile. The rest of the members are still sleeping in our room, while the two of us are in the living room. I didn't want to wake them up with my tossing around and I am careful not to pass my germs on them, because being sick really so I've decided to just sleep on the bed in the living room. I am suprised CNU woke up so early, too. He blinks a few times, trying to bring himself back to reality. Then he looks at me and realizes I'm also awake. He rubs his face and mutter a good morning.

"Good morning to you, too. Did you sleep well? I've told you, you should stay in the room. What if you get also sick?"

"I slept just fine. Stop worrying and the doctor said, it's not contagious nor infectious by air, only water so unless I drink from the same glass, I should be okay. Stop fussing."

I grin. He really knows everything. How does he do that?

"More importunately, how are you feeling?"

"Better. It doesn't hurt anymore, I just feel a little weak."

"Good.... so do you feel like eating something? I can make you breakfast."

"Not now, thank you. Maybe later..."

CNU rolls his eyes.

"You know, I am letting you get away with this only because you are really sick, right? Once I get an OK from the doctor, I am gonna feed you so much, your stomach would hurt from overeating."

I know it's an empty threat but I pale visibly. He may not make me overeat in the real sense of the word, but he is gonna make me eat, I can feel it and for me, even the normal portion is overeating. He notices my change of expression and frowns.

"Jinyoung... I thought, we talked about this. Or well... are going to talk about this." He looks at me with expectation and I look away. I play with my blanket, thinking again about whether I should really talk about this, but I am vulnerable right now and my willpower is not strong enough to refuse his request. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath.

"Okay... okay. But, I have two conditions. First, this stays between us. No matter what, you can't talk about this to anyone. Not the members, nor the company or the manager,  not our families including my own, nor the doctors .... What I am about to tell you is disturbing, it may make you feel, like I need help, but I don't, okay? The professionals have never helped in the past and they are not gonna do me any good now. So no matter how hard it would be, how angry and frustrated you may with feel with my decission, you gotta keep quiet. Deal?"

"You are really scaring me, you know that?"

"Well, I am not exaggerating. I told you, you can still say no now. It would be too late afterwards."

"No... I want to ... I need you to tell me. So okay, deal. I won't say anything."

"Good. Second, don't interrupt me. I know, you will want to ask me questions during the talk, but please don't. It's hard for me to talk about this. Actually... I've never told everything to anyone before. I am not sure, I would be able to continue if you interrupt me. So just let me finish first and then you can ask, okay?"

"Okay" CNU nods and I again take a deep breath. It's now or never. I start talking...

***

" It happened 14 years ago... I was a normal kid before but after that incident something changed... I don't know what happened exactly. I can't remember it... The doctors say, the experience was so traumatic, my mind decided to protect me from the memories and deleted it all... At first, I honestly couldn't recall anything, I just started to feel different. I've had nightmares every night so I couldn't sleep properly. I would freak out over usual stuff, like suddenly I would just start to feel really scared for no apparent reason... they call it a panic attact. I've been having them for some time now.... You now about my lack of appetite...I swear I'm not anorexic... I just... I don't know, I simply can't eat. I guess, it would be more suitable to call it loss of appetite.

My parents know about this, that's why they made me visit a few psychologists, but I hate them, Dongwoo. I really hate visiting them, because they may have a degree, but they don't understand me. It was really hard in the beginning, because I didn't know why I was feeling like that but then the flashbacks started and I wish, I could go back to being oblivious to everything. I still don't have a clear picture in mind, but some of it came  back to me.

I remember being tied up and blindfolded, I remember the hands all over my body... I am not sure what they've done to me, I don't think they ually abused me and I wasn't injured when I woke up in the hospital so I guess, they haven't beaten me either... But I was kept in a dark cold place for a long time... without anything to eat, or drink... I guess, that's why it's hard for me to eat, I've got used to not eating. I told a little about the flashbacks to my parents but there is one part I left out.

I... I know it will sound crazy, that's why I've never said anything, but I think they did something to me, that made me this way... I just... how would you explain, that a normal kid turned into a walking definition of psychological disorders? 'cause just to make it clear, I have quite a few of them and I know, that my experience could cause some of them, but... you see, there is one more thing, I haven't told anyone, because they would probably lock me up for real if I told, but I am not crazy, Dongwoo, I swear I'm not... I just...

I sometimes see my shadow moving on its own. I am afraid of the dark, of eating, of sleeping, but it's managable... However the shadow? That really scares me. It would just break the bond with me and start to tease me and... how can it be possible? Why am I seeing things like that? I'm not schyzofrenic! And I know, it can't be real, but it feels real to me, Dongwoo and I've thought about it a lot... why me?

I was not an overachiever in school, like I wasn't some geek who would get A+ on every subject or anything but when it came to math and physic, I was good, I was really good. I've even won a few competitions... you know, I wanted to become an inventor and maybe it draw attention of some crazy scientist who decided to play a little with my mind. I don't want to remember what happened, but sometimes I am frustrated I don't know what they did.

I think, it's not just me forgetting about it in order to protect myself, I believe they may help me to forget. I must have been out most of the time and the doctors found traces of some unknown drugs in my system after I was rescued and brought to the hospital so what if they perfomed some kind of experiment on me?

I... I'm not paranoid either. I know, you may think otherwise, but honestly, look at me! Do I look like someone who is crazy? So there must be some other explanation why do I feel like this and my theory makes sense... they've never caught the culprits and there are no similar cases to mine. It's too strange... and I could accept the panic attacts, even all the fears as a result of being traumatized, but I can't accept the shadows! It's not a simple hallucination and I know, it's not real! And that is precisely what makes me different than the mentally sick people, because they don't know it's not real!

I... I... I don't know what else to say... Please don't pity me and don't think I've lost it, the load I am caring is too heavy already, I don't think, I can take more..."

***

I'm getting worked up so I stop talking and look at CNU. He is deathly pale, his eyes are wide and I know, he doesn't believe me. I feel my heart shattering, I want to  bang my head against the wall... Why had I thought, he would understand? We are still so young and this sounds so... well... crazy. Would I believe him if our positions were switched? I'm not sure... yet, I feel incredibly disappointed. Like all the light, I so carefully saved over the last years in the group disappeared... like all of my hope was gone. He is not going to keep the promise. He will tell. And they will believe him and I will end up in some asylum surrounded by psychos and even though, I'm not crazy now, I will surely loose my mind in there. My eyes start to burn as tears well up in them... the tears, I refuse to let fall down. 

***

“Once upon a time, powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in the well from which the inhabitants drank. Whoever drank that water would go mad.

The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the king and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, which the magician had not managed to poison. The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and the inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water, and they thought the king’s decisions were absurd and resolved to take notice of them.

When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees, they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. The marched on the castle and called for his abdication.

In despair the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying: ‘Let us go and drink from the communal well. Then we will be the same as them.’

And that was what they did: The king and queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such ‘wisdom’, why not allow him to rule the country?

The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbors. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days.” 
― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

to be continued