I was waiting for my parents to come pick me up before the school gates (they never let me walk home alone after the accident), when it happened for the first time. The sun was high in the sky, blinding me slightly. I looked down and saw my shadow. I've never paid much attention to shadows before, but at that moment I was so drawn to it, I couldn't take my eyes off. When suddenly, the shadow looked at me, it moved away from me and became a seperate being, with its own existence, no longer bound to my body or my movements, but freely escaping, swirling around me, making me dizzy. I was scared and shocked. How could a shadow move on its own? I felt strange, suffocating. I wanted to run, to escape, but my parents would be mad if I moved from my spot, but I could no longer stay still. I needed to get away, the panic surged through my body with a controling force and I had to do something. My heart was beating like crazy and I feared it would rip from my chest, the pounding against the ribcage was so strong, I could almost feel the bones giving away and breaking. I didn't know what to, I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. I couldn't breathe and the sun continued to blind me, it made the world look too bright for my eyes and the shadow was still there, laughing and I couldn't fight the urge to run anymore. I took off, not seeing anything, just desperately trying to escape. I collided with someone. I fall to the ground and I met my shadow down there. I could feel its closeness, the depth pulling me in, but the contact united us again. The shadow became just a shadow, imprisoned by me. Or was it me who was caught by my shadow? I couldn't tell anymore. The stranger, I collided with, was talking, asking me if I was okay, but I was unable to speak. Suddenly, my parents appeared and started to scold me for not waiting for them, when my mom noticed how shaken I was and immediately, I found myself lost in her embrace. The warmth soothed me, I even out my breath with hers, my heart calmed down and I felt tired, drained... My eyes closed slowly and I succumbed to sleep. 

***

That was my second fear. A fear of shadows.

***

I was practicing with my members for a few hours and my body was starting to ache a little. Our comeback was comming and we needed to polish the choreography, but it was getting harder and harder to move according to the choreo. I was sweating and the clothes sticked to my body. I looked at the others and they appeared exhausted as well so I've decided to call for a break. It was good to be hard-working, but I had to take care of the members, not let them push themselves too much. As soon as the song was over, we collapsed to the floor, breathing hard. I liked this. This feeling of being totally spend. I smiled softly. We decided to order something to eat. Once the food arrived, they threw themselves at it as hungry animals. I chuckled softly. They were so adorable. CNU winked at me with a knowing smile and we exchanged an understanding look, letting the kids to pick their share first. I felt happy when I was with them like this. No worries, no nightmares, no shadows... Just me and them. Yet, I felt like a cheater. I was not like them. I was just deceiving everyone and sometimes I would get lost in my act, forgetting who I really was deep inside.  I glanced at their shadows. They all sticked to them, looking perfectly in place, nothing out of ordinery and then I looked at mine, it was also in its place but as if it could feel my glance it shook a little, warning me, it was just pretending to be the same as others, because we were not alone. I let out a sigh. I was the same. Pretending... always only pretending.

***

Is it  wrong to pretend to be someone else when you really wish you could be the person you are pretending to be?

to be continued