It’s hard. Being there for Taeyeon when she doesn’t want me to be. I can see her avoid my attempts at a conversation, and while I try to understand, it’s still hard. I’ve moved out, and I spend as much time with my family as possible. Is it because she’s mad about that? Please no, if my Taeyeon was mad at me, I could very well just shrivel up and collapse. She means so much to me, and judging by the way she ignores me completely, I don’t mean half as much to her.

We were so close. The lead vocals, the eldest unnies, and the ones with the most camera time in music videos, we have to spend time together. Before, we would delight in the little moments we had, thriving in the sunlight of pure, unadulterated friendship. Like a flower, we grew. But flowers get picked, most often by grubby little hands that give them to their mothers, who in turn will smile and thank the hands, all while sneakily throwing the flower in the wastebasket.

The only question is who was the one that was picked?

Maybe it was me. Even though all signs point to Taeyeon being the one that was chosen and stolen away from me, it can’t be. Not my Taengoo. She’s the one that would admonish Hyoyeon and Yoona if they came a little too close with a cucumber. She’s the one that helped me though the hate. She’s the one that would come to me if a netizen went a little too far in bashing us. She came to me. I come to her now. What changed?

When I talk with the girls about what’s going on with our leader, I get this feeling like she knows we’re talking about her. But she can’t. We always wait for her to go out, and no one would be insane enough to tell Taeyeon that we’re talking about her behind her back and being concerned about her well-being. She hates when we do that. Always telling us to worry about ourselves, because she has no problems, like the proud human she is. I can hear her crying every night. I’m not stupid, she has lots of problems.

I just wonder why I’ve never gone in to comfort her while she’s lying alone in that cold, porcelain white tub.

It’s actually weird being with my real family so often, because before, Girls’ Generation was the only family that came to mind for a while. When I come home for dinner, my mom and dad don’t understand everything that I tell them. Even Krystal doesn’t, and she’s in f(x) herself. No one but our nine beating hearts can truly comprehend the feelings that can come with intense love and horrendous hate.

Surprisingly, our hearts do beat. People like to say we have no hearts, and that we’re so plastic we must be dead. Turns out, to the core, we’re human. I’ve tried testing how human we are, cutting with a razor while shaving my legs. I stopped when the first drop swelled though the cut in my leg, popped, and dyed the water pink. That was proof enough for me. It’s actually amusing that it’s enough for me, but for those who apparently choose to ignore our Tiffany’s broken ankle, our Yuri’s held back tears, our Sunny’s face when watching her beloved cow get his piercings, and it isn’t enough. I don’t know who the real monster is in this case. I’m pretty sure it’s not me.  

I remember when it was all too much for me. I refused to eat, but still had to go to all our activities. I became skinnier and skinnier, and dangerously hovering above the point of no return. Thanks to my saviors, I came back. Not because of the company president gently reminding me to eat, with concern lining his face when I lied to him that I already had eaten. Nor the manager, who shoved food onto my plate every day, only to be bitterly disappointed when I refused it all. Not even the fans, spamming comments onto our videos, yelling and shrieking at me to eat, that I was too skinny.

No, it was my team. My glorious family who guided me though the whole ordeal. Hyoyeon and Seohyun made food for me every day, food that they’d know I’d enjoy. Sooyoung watched me eat, helping me through each bite, and on occasion, stealing a morsel away from me. When I ate all my rice, her smile was the prettiest I’d seen from her in a while. Yuri took me to the gym so I’d would just stay fit enough to burn off all the calories I had to consume every day. Sunny and Yoona would cheer me on, and Tiffany would constantly research information about food and badger me to try new recipes. Sometimes she’d have to call in Sunny and Yoona if I was being stubborn. She knew I could never have resisted after they came along.

And Taeyeon was my rock. If I needed to throw up the unaccustomed foreign substances in my stomach, then she was holding my hair back and rubbing comforting circles on my back. She never said anything, she was just there. That was all I needed her to be. With me. But now she’s gone, somewhere, just gone.

I’d die so that she would live. Is that what the world wants? The cold brat gone and the perfect Kid Leader to remain in her place.  Can’t say I blame them, I want that too. If Taeyeon is happy without me. If my heart needs to go, I’ll go. Just let me have one favor. Let parts of my hearts stay where they are, please. With the members, hidden deep inside their own. Hopefully they’ll treasure the shards of my glass heart I have broken time and time again for them. It hurt a lot.

I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but now I don’t have one.