Isn’t it funny how everything’s intertwined? Like, anything I do could result in drastic suffering for someone else, or maybe they could have intense ecstasy. It all has consequences.

So, maybe if I wasn’t such a pain to work with that day, I could have saved my beautiful girls some heartache. If I didn’t drink everything away the night earlier, I could have been more like the kind leader everyone claims me to be. If I didn’t get a hangover and yell at my security guards, maybe they would have had more care towards my girls’ safety.

It’s possible.

It is better that I don’t fret about this stuff, though. Sunny says there’s no use crying over spilled milk. That girl is so wise. I love her so much, and I don’t think she knows it. I love all my girls. No one but them can understand me, but lately, even they have been struggling to figure my actions out. I can feel their whispers against my ears, talking about me behind my back. Their concerns stab me, and their pity oozes out of every word they say.

It kills me, slowly.

I can’t show them my weaknesses. I can’t bear to watch them cry like when they did when Yoona exploded. Oh, that poor darling. That sweetheart. She has to bear so much, but when I think about it, the benefits are little. People say, at least we’re happy with what we do. I thought that way too. At least we can be satisfied with what we do at the end of the day. Who cares if people hate us after looking at one picture of us, saying we’re ugly and attention-seekers? Who cares if someone called Yuri names at the airport, and we all had to comfort her subtly while she tried so hard to hold in her tears? She tried so hard, we all do, and when people treat us like this, who cares?

Nobody cares.

I have to hold everyone together. They do so much for me, they don’t even know. God, please help me. Please hold me together, just a couple more seconds, before they all go to their rooms and I can cry alone in the bathtub. And please, don’t let them hear me. It would hurt them so much; I can bear my own pain, but not theirs. Oh my heavenly Father, please. I can’t help with their tears if they cry for me.

I’ve started praying more often. Can you tell? Every since the day, I’ve prayed for their safety. I put their lives in jeopardy, and I can’t forgive myself fully. Sunny tried to help, and I have to admit, I wish she didn’t. Then, the knife that was in his hands could have ended up in her stomach.

I only screamed for her. Not for me.

I was drunk the night before. So drunk I don’t remember if I drank by myself, or dragged one of the company employees to come with me. I wouldn’t have drunk with the members. They would have seen too far inside me while I was intoxicated. Too close for comfort.

The next day, at the concert, I was tired and irritable. I almost threw up fifteen minutes before the show, and snapped at the stylists. Just for accidentally bumping into me. How exhausted must I have been to yell at a young girl who slightly touched my elbow, something that would obviously happen in a tight and crowded space? I think about it when I can. I can be so cruel.

Then, my mistake. It’s touching the line when I get angry at a rookie makeup artist, but when I blow up over a petty microphone detail to the guards who were supposed to protect me and my sisters on the stage, well, that’s disgusting of me. It’s has gone so far past the line that I can’t see it.

I’ll run until I can see it. I’ll never stop running.

So the guards never really paid attention to who was backstage. It was mostly cameramen, dressed in black, or women stylists. They never would have noticed him if they weren’t trying. They certainly weren’t trying at all. I almost had them fired when I considered the damage to the girls, but after thinking some more, I was most at fault. I blame myself.

If they could ever forgive me, I’d love them more than I would ever think possible. God, please, I don’t need your mercy bestowed on me. Just your angels on earth, if they could find it in their perfect hearts to do so, I would… I don’t know what I’d do.

I would die.