I can feel it. Taeyeon isn’t the same anymore. She’s different. Ever since the kidnapping incident, well, she’s been distant. She does not trust us anymore, and it’s not because we have to talk behind her back. It’s like she’s purposely separating herself from us, especially Jessica. I can see in Jessica’s eyes her grief, the sadness, the curiosity. Why would Taeyeon just abandon her like that? Even I, as her best friend, cannot catch a glimpse into the depths of her reasoning.

It’s not like she’s had the hardest life out of us all. Yoona, she’s the one who has to continuously deal with everything for us. She’s our shield. And her mother left her when she was young, too young. My own story isn’t a happy one either. When I was 15, I had to leave everything, just after my mother died. But, in the end, I gained 8 beautiful and perfectly human sisters out of it. So I don’t complain.

So why Taeyeon?

I never complained, especially when I had my fans. They had my back through the whole thing, and I never fell. How could I ask for more? To ask for more would be selfish, because now, I have almost everything my 15 year old self could ever dream of. Money, fame, love, and support.

I guess in truth, I was always a selfish person. Asking for pink in everything, wanting, never giving, and not noticing Taeyeon’s downward spiral until it was much too late.

I should just die.

But is it a sin that I was too happy to notice? This life is all I could have ever dreamed of, and more. With the love of all my eight sisters, even with all the things I had to give up, my family, my friends, my language, I’m still happy. Is that wrong?

I remember when Sunny saved Taeyeon from that . . . man. I don’t know what to call him, I want to think he’s not human, but part of me knows he is. Even if we want to hate him, even if we do, he’s just a boy.

Sunny held onto Taeyeon, offering silent strength like she always does, and I knew. I knew that Taeyeon had accepted her fate, whatever it may be, because she had Sunny’s strength behind her. But I also knew that this time Sunny offered something more, but Taeyeon didn’t notice it. Sunny was afraid. She was afraid of losing the only thing that held us together, and her heart broke into pieces because of it.

We were all afraid. Our mechanics took over, and our brains shut down. Performing was the only thing on our minds, and we sang. It hurts too much to worry about people you care about.

The song ended, and our minds and bodies returned back to normal. Yoona was the first to respond, and Hyoyeon was near tears. Yuri draped an arm around her, and without words, they shared their concerns. This was us. We were the only time in the world that nine could ever equal one, and we were proud of it.

 Hesitantly, all of us walked over, one by one, and in our own ways, we all comforted Taeyeon. Sunny watched in the side, close to the shadows, and her tears streamed down her face. If I hadn’t looked over to check if she was unhurt, I would never have seen it. Sunny’s our protector, she watches over us, and if she breaks down, she does it quietly so no one can hear. In a way, she’s too much like Taeyeon for her own good.

I’ve been messaging my fans more often than usual. They always cheer me up, with their adorable emoticons and constant compliments. Every once in a while they claim it’s their birthday, and they ask for Taeyeon, and I cutely reply that she’s mine and they can’t have her. They love that. I love that.

But sometimes, they aren’t enough. I know, how can millions of adoring fans not be enough? Like I said, I’m selfish. There’s nothing I can do about it, I suppose. But I think the only thing that will ever make it enough is Taeyeon.

It’s the one thing I can’t have. It’s typical of a spoiled selfish kid, right? Wanting the one thing that all the money in the world can’t buy, it’s just pathetic.

I wanted to cry that day, but my tears just wouldn’t flow. Tiffany the cry baby wouldn’t cry for something that’s actually worth crying for. It’s so bizarre.

Then again, what isn’t abnormal now?