It's best not to feel anything for yourself. Otherwise, you only get hurt. It's hard enough being there for my members. Not that I'm complaining. I'm sure you've heard this so many times that it gets boring, but we love each other so much. The only one I'm worried about is Taeyeon. The others all have something that hurts them, sure, but nowadays I feel like Taeyeon has been lost. 

Maybe that boy really did take her. She's not here anymore.

Taeyeon worries me. She doesn't talk to anyone about what happened. I know she's already forgiven both the secuity guards and Hyoyeon, so it can't be anger. It can't be. Taeyeon doesn't hold grudges. I wish she'd talk to me. We're not super close, not like Taeyeon and Tiffany are, or like Jessica and I used to be.

Jessica and I used to be so close. But lately she's been worrying over Taeyeon a lot. We all are, I guess. But she worries herself sick. She's losing weight fast. We all are, actually. Taeyeon always looks so tired, she never has time to eat, I guess. Jessica is pining over the fact that Taeyeon is slipping away from us, and it hurts. I can feel her pain, and it is in no way something I would wish on anyone. 

The other girls have to diet. You know, in order to fit society's needs of what a perfect girl should be. Thigh gaps, collar bones, honestly, I find them kind of gross. They don't look natural.

Ha. Of course they don't look natural. If I think of the way I got thin, it's downright ridiculous how unnatural the process is. 

See, you starve yourself. It's hard doing that, living with eight other girls who actually eat (for the most part) moderately healthy. They are all concerned for your well being, so you smile and eat. You say it tastes good, and it does, but the bitter taste in your mouth cannot be ignored. So you finish up quickly, and you head to the washroom. 

And you let go. 

It feels weird at first, but eventually you get used to it. It comes naturally. 

Oh, there it is. It comes naturally. How wonderfully ironic. 

But the scary thing is, I can't stop. I tried. I wasn't in the mood, I think, that day. But it came out before I could stop it, and I had to run to the washroom, saying I wasn't feeling well. Sunny's already looking at me funny, and I think she's told Sooyoung and Seohyun about it. I hope they don't know. 

It's weird. Being skinny is remarkable. Since the burden of staying skinny is heavier than just being whatever weight you want. 

All I want is to not feel anymore. Not my own, at least. It's much too heavy for me to even feel what my heart wants me to feel. My heart is my own enemy. 

So I feel the member's pain. In some ways that's easier because I won't have to solve the aching wound that throbs and pulses daily. It never lets you forget. But at the same time, it still hurts. Because knowing that someone you love feels that way, it's just as bad as having the wound yourself. 

I wish I had someone to share my burdens with. It would be easier if we could share our problems freely in this group. But we fear brudening the others, even though by not telling them things it is a bigger weight to carry. They said they would always be there for me. And I said I would let them.

And really, wasn't that the biggest lie of all?