I can’t do it anymore, not like I used to, Taeyeon. I’m sorry. You said once that when I danced, I flew. I know. I felt like I was floating on air, anyway, because every movement of my body, from the tips of my hair to the ends of my fingertips, was quick and light. It required no effort, and I could do it for hours on end.

So why is everything so heavy now?

It must be the guilt. It has to be. I apologized, for not being there for you, but I don’t think you heard in the chaos of the moment. Or maybe I didn’t even say it. It might have not left my lips, the shame was too great. How could I have not saved you?

All I remember is I was sobbing your name over and over and Yuri came over and hugged me to her. We were close, Yuri and I. We are close.

You and I were supposed to be a duo. SNSD at first was never supposed to happen. Can you believe what might have happened it that all actually came true? I would die without some of them; I would always feel like something’s missing, because now that they’re part of our life, Taeyeon, they can’t leave without breaking someone.

I know that I would break. I would shatter to pieces, and crumble into dust. But I think that you wouldn’t, Taeyeon.

Because in a sad way, I think you’re already broken.

I love all of you so much. I’m sure it gets repetitive saying that, but we all knew how strong our bond is. We’d never tested it before, but we knew. We were so sure that we would all be there for each other, and never pursued it further.

Well, guess what? The test came, didn’t it? And I failed. I suppose the bond wasn’t as strong as I had liked to think, was it?

What surprised me most was the fact that you came up to me after. You embraced me, and whispered into my ear that you loved me. It wasn’t a complete acceptance of my apology, but I took it at the time. I let my fear of loss be known as I let my sobs wrack my body, over and over. The dressing room quieted as our nine made a circle around us, stepping in the proper positions and they protected us from curious eyes. Taeyeon, you and I were in the middle, and I swear all the love I felt at that moment could end world hunger, or something to that extent.

I was never the smartest one in the group, but I know what we have. And I always thought that we would be there for each other, and you know what? We have been there. When you were almost unrightfully taken from us, Sunny was there. Tiffany lost her mom, and God sent us all to be there. Yoona’s maternal influence went missing from her life, and she received seven beautiful older sisters, and an innocent younger one to take care of. They were there for her.

I want to be there for you, Taeyeon. Only when you allow me to be there can I finally forgive myself and I can fly again.

Have you ever flown, Taeyeon? With your voice you probably do. When you sing, all I have to do is close my eyes and I’m up in the clouds, and I’m warm. Your voice warms me, Taeyeon. Do you know why? It’s because your voice is so full of love that I can’t help but bask in the glow of your love.

I can only hope that I can breathe in your love soon, because I can’t feel it anymore when you sing.

That destroys me.