Truth be told, at first, I hated Yoona. She was too perfect, and that was why I couldn’t stand her. Then all my hate came rolling in after we debuted, hate that came for no reason. So I stopped. Because if I, as the least popular member of SNSD, could get this much hate, then I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Yoona. The most popular, the most beautiful, the most hated.

I tried to be next to her for public outings. Hold her hand if someone said something insulting, give it a little squeeze after a rude gesture coming her way. Then she’d be too busy smiling that precious smile at me to think about the people surrounding her.

When she said the person she most wanted to be like was me, that settled it. She was a perfect being, and I had to protect her. And protect her I did, with all my soul and being. I was there for her, and that’s what I was content with. Being the one behind her to catch her if she fell, give her an encouraging pat on the back if she was nervous, and never ever be jealous of the spotlight. Surprisingly, I never envied her position. I had seen firsthand her expression when I wasn’t there. I was too far away to help her that time. But close enough to see the tears threatening to drip down her cheeks when someone called her an attention-seeker. I felt the tears too, but I’m not sure if those tears were mine or not.

When we went on Running Man, it was supposed to be just her. But I begged my uncle to let me go as well. She was too quiet to make things fun, I said. What I meant was she’s too popular to go on Korea’s top show without getting hate for being the favourite of SM. The simple solution would be to bring along the unneeded SNSD member, me. It worked better than expected. We had a great time, and the next time she went on, with some other members, both of us weren’t worried. We knew what to do.

I wish I could be there for all the members. I know how hard it is for them. I guess even though I don’t have as many fans as they do, I’m content. Because I don’t have to face the carnage like they do.

It’s never enough when I comfort Yoona. Before, it was. She was so sweet and innocent, that just a word of praise from any one of us would make her smile her wide grin, and that was that. It must be because she matured. She had to grow up so fast. What other 23 year old do you know that has to cry herself to sleep every night? I hear her. And as much as I want her to stop, I know she can’t. It all stays with you, and it never goes away. The residue from hate can’t just be washed off, not even from the most acidic bleach. It can never.

I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. If I was offered a job in a drama, it always included a kiss scene. They wanted to be the first to document SNSD’s Sunny’s first kiss, didn’t they? It was all just a money maker. So I refused every single job offer. And gave them up to the members. Love Rain was supposed to be mine. I was supposed to have the Fame musical. I was supposed to be the villain on Fashion King.

But it’s okay. Because pain that’s from love is never something you should flinch away from. You learn to embrace it, hold the pain close to your heart, and let it devour my soul inside and out. It will hurt. But like I said, if it’s for love, don’t hesitate. If you take someone else’s pain away, it means there’s love involved. I want to take everyone’s pain away.

I wonder who will take mine away.

It can’t be the members. As much as I want to know that they love me, it’s not right for them to have to face my pain all the time. So I’ll face it myself. I’ll use the bathroom after Taeyeon’s done with it, and do the thing that Jessica did once. I had to wipe the tears. I saw the blood. I’ll wipe my tears when I see my blood.

And I will smile, because the pain is for them. And I love them so much.