Kyuhyun changes into clean clothes mechanically, too dazed to do anything but respond dumbly to Eeteuk and Hankyung’s congratulatory pats on the back and Heechul’s conceding smirk. He stuffs his things into his gym bag carelessly and nearly forgets it in his hasted if Siwon hadn’t reminded him of it, and he’s still out of it even as he finds Siwon and takes the vacant seat beside him without so much as a hello.

“Is he – ” Kyuhyun starts to ask, but Siwon cuts him off with an impatient wave and points at the direction of the pool, where the contestants await the sound of the whistle. Ryeowook is fixing his goggles, his lips set in a straight line, almost grim-looking from Kyuhyun’s spot. He looks around, as if searching for something, and brightens when he spots them, waving his arms around so happily Kyuhyun feels like crying. Siwon stands up, giving him a thumbs up, and Ryeowook nods, turning away.

Kyuhyun counts the seconds until the whistle goes off with the space between each breath he tries to hold in, as if the lack of air would be able to make up for his nerves, would provide a distraction to the restlessness rising within him, and when it finally does and Ryeowook dives in, Siwon has to hold his hand tightly to bring him back to earth

There’s a certain thrill in seeing Ryeowook now, defiance and rashness all rolled into one, and there’s a marked difference in his demeanor, something strangely absent in his expression, now, that makes Kyuhyun’s fingers twitch and his toes curl in anticipation. Beside him, Siwon shifts in his seat, transfixed, and Kyuhyun knows he isn’t the only one who feels the discomfort and the exhilaration in his blood, humming.

It’s as if this Ryeowook is someone Kyuhyun will never be able to come in contact with forever, so he tries to capture this likeness and relish in it when he feels more out of touch with the reality of Ryeowook’s hand in his palm, his touch a brief respite from the apprehension in Kyuhyun’s gut.

(It’s so much like the first time Kyuhyun’s seen him swim, and he’s shocked and in awe, completely, at the sight.)

He’s too lost in the moment to notice anything else, and all he sees is Ryeowook, the line of his back taut and his limbs misleadingly graceful in spite of the effort Kyuhyun knows Ryeowook puts into the motions. The distance between here and there, start and end, feels too long, too tedious, too painful to observe, and Kyuhyun’s breath hitches when he imagines (no, he isn’t imagining anything) something going horribly wrong, Ryeowook’s biceps tensing and his legs stiffening for a moment. Kyuhyun almost thinks that Ryeowook will keel over in pain in the middle of the stretch of water, and his body moves before his mind does, scrambling past Siwon, past his teammates, past the seemingly infinite number of hindrances between himself and Ryeowook, but Siwon manages to catch up with him and pull him back from doing something stupid, like, say, jumping in.

“Let him do this,’’ Siwon hisses, his voice shaking as badly as Kyuhyun’s hands are, “it’s what he wants.”

Kyuhyun slumps against Siwon’s hold, almost falling to the floor, his stomach churning with a hundred emotions seeping through his bones, and tries his best not to look away as Ryeowook pushes on.

It’s almost a relief to see him touch the edge of the pool, chest heaving and mouth gasping wildly for air. Siwon lets Kyuhyun go, and Kyuhyun runs, stumbling as he makes his way to Ryeowook, and his heart stops threatening to jump out of his ribcage only when he pulls Ryeowook up and tucks his head under his chin, body quivering and mind spinning as their teammates start crowding around them. Ryeowook opens and closes his eyes, takes in Sungmin’s pale face and Kangin’s helplessness and Yesung’s anxiety, how Eunhyuk is near tears and Donghae is pressing a warm hand against Ryeowook’s clammy cheek and Shindong rushes off to call for help, Kibum’s smile of understanding and Siwon’s unreadable expression barely processing in his mind as he drifts in and out of consciousness.

“Did I do good?” He finally croaks out, turning to Kyuhyun as Siwon pulls him away.

“I’m not,” Kyuhyun chokes, pressing his palm to his eyes, “I don’t –”

Ryeowook touches his shoulder, smiling with tired eyes, and Kyuhyun collapses on his knees with the weight of a hundred regrets, a hundred possibilities out of his grasp.

“You were both good,” Siwon sighs, and understands that it’s the closest thing Siwon can come to saying it’s enough.