"The last time I was here was a mess," Heechul blurted out while spinning around the swivel chair on the end of the oval glass table, at the far end was a busy Siwon drowning himself over coffee, reviewing, and signing papers.

"Yeah. I remember," without lifting an eye, the younger guy grinned at the sudden gush of memories.

"And I wanted to thank you for that," Heechul stopped spinning and faced Siwon, a bright eye-smile reflected on his face.

Siwon had a baffled expression, paused for a moment from flipping folders and papers, stared at his hyung who was in turn staring back at him, with a beaming face. "Are you sick or what? That was years ago…" he thought, but decided to keep it to himself.

…

3 years ago

Heechul was clenching his left fist hard, freshly manicured nails burying against the flesh of his palm. His right index impatiently tapping on his thigh. Idiots, do they think I can’t hear them? Heechul murmured to himself a little too loudly, making Siwon’s secretary give him a worried look while they were waiting outside the conference room.

“Siwon should have that room sound proofed,” he hissed, brows furrowed deeply with a little annoyed pout. The secretary bowed in apology and agreement. He woke up extra early that morning, went to the stylist and hairdresser, dressed appropriately in suit and leather shoes, a little like how ‘Director Choi’ preps, for the contract signing. Siwon had been courting him to film an advertisement for the new car model his father’s company will be releasing.

“The facets of the car scream your persona, hyung,” as Siwon would adorn his words in order to persuade the older guy. “You fit perfectly as an endorser. The first time I saw the blueprint, it was you I immediately thought of. I even said out loud, ‘Ah! Heechul hyung will be delighted driving this kind of car!’ and my team profoundly agreed.” Siwon would call his hyung every morning (by every, means not a day would pass without him calling at exactly 7:30am before he goes to work). Heechul had no intention at all in signing the contract or not a gist of agreeing to do the project Siwon is offering. The calls were a bit too irritating for Heechul is never a morning person, but he got too used to it he doesn’t give a damn anymore. The persuasion almost lasted for a month, if not because of that fateful Monday morning when Leeteuk called a minute earlier than Siwon’s to give Heechul the daily reminders: breakfast at the table; watch out if you’re heating them in the microwave; don’t forget to feed the cats; lock the door if you’re going out (if ever you decided to breathe fresh air); open the door (for Pete’s sake) if ahjumma comes to clean the dorm or else you won’t have lunch as well. Heechul had been immune to this motherly-reminder, memorized it like the back of his hand, it lost its tinge. So five and a half seconds after Leeteuk’s call, his phone rang again. He scooped it, reluctantly placed the receiver on his ear, and groggily shrieked, “I said, I’ll do it! Sheeesh!”

“Ah. That’s great!” Siwon’s nasal voice echoed, with Heechul a little too confused, even with his stead-fast wit, it left him hanging with a slightly opened mouth. “This is God’s doing! You’ve finally come to realize this is meant for you, He enlightened you, hyung. I knew it.”

“I was what?”

“I’m so glad and you will not regret it. See you next week. I’ll have a chauffeur pick you up. I’ll email you later.”

Before Heechul would pick up his scattered senses to protest, Siwon already hung up and he was left thumping his pillow, cursing all the bloody holy names, barely knowing if they actually exist.

The following week, he was sitting next to Siwon around the oval glass table along with two other old men in black suits, pulling up sullenly irritable faces; both were balding at the center of their heads. They were opposing Siwon’s decision of picking an artist who falls short of their qualifications as the new endorser. Siwon was arguing back that his decision was final, and if anything would happen against the plan, he would definitely take responsibility for it in accordance to his father’s reprimand, but of course the young Director is confident enough.

“I trust Heechul hyung,” he deadpanned. Great, so typical of Siwon to trust everybody, Heechul thought. He was too tired, too weary, too worn out of these kinds of scenarios; he decided to let Siwon tackle everything, might as well save his own positive energy ―

“That person is nothing but your old company’s disgrace. His personal conflicts will not do well for this promotion. He will drag you down, Mr. Choi. Think about it,” said the balding guy with more wrinkles across his forehead, ran down eyebags, obviously flaunting his gold rings when he rested his elbows and clasped his hands over the table.

“He hasn’t recovered yet from his latest scandal that shook the entertainment industry. How do you think investors will react to it if he will film yet an advertisement? We are planning big for this project, Mr. Choi,” the fatter balding guy said flatly.

Siwon’s index and thumb met his temples with the growing headache. Heechul’s ears were ringing, tried to keep his composure, but deep inside him, a fuming rage is brewing. He was mentally challenging the old men to come up with everything they got, but he was too concerned for Siwon’s newly found disposition in his father’s company. Eventhough it was bad for his mental health, Heechul kept his mouth shut.

“I’ve told you already; even if we argue with this overnight, my decision…It is final. We are here to introduce Mr. Kim Heechul as the new endorser and not to hear your opinions regardless if you are the company’s consultant.”

“What are you talking about? We are sent here to oversee if things will go smoothly, we will not just wait and watch until matters plunge to his disgraced showbiz career…And his mishap love scrutiny,” the wrinkly guy pointed at Heechul. That rocked his nerve, made Heechul stood up that instant, shaking, biting the insides of his cheek. He would have answered right there and then, if not for Siwon grabbing his hand and motioning him to calm down, with a reassuring everything will be fine look. Siwon asked his secretary to Heechul out of the conference room for a moment while he handles everything and will be called in after the contract is ready for signing. Heechul breathed heavily, he wanted to fight alongside Siwon but instead he evenly followed the secretary. He paused a little at the door and gave the two old men threatening smirks. When he saw them wavered, he was already satisfied.

He settled on the settee right outside the room. The secretary offered coffee, tea, juice, but Heechul jokingly asked for vodka. The little laugh slightly calmed his nerves but he can still hear the consultants raising voices against Siwon calm protests. They would dissent from Siwon’s decision and drill against Heechul’s scandal, the group’s disbandment, and how it was just months ago. What he heard was vague silence after the mention of a familiar Chinese name and words such as divorce, gay, love, eloping, drunk driving, accident, fire, death in one sentence, followed by the sound of someone heavily tripping over a swivel chair, thudding flat on the floor. Heechul barged immediately, worrying about Siwon, but he heaved a sigh of relief after seeing Siwon blowing on his right fist with onerous pain and the wrinkly guy frustratingly pull himself up with bleeding nose, the fat guy on the other side of the room trying to call security. Siwon deliberately took the phone from him and threw it on the floor, stepped on it, grabbed his pen and files, then dragged the semi-shocked Heechul by the arm, instructed his secretary to call the paramedics, before dashing to the elevators. It took two floors down to the basement parking before Siwon broke down, hugged himself, and Heechul panicked when he felt the young director’s muscles violently twitch.

“Siwon, you’re sweating profusely. I’m calling for medical help,” guilt was creeping up his spine. Heechul knew enough how and why this ended up with a bleeding nose and a scuffed fist. He cannot prevent everything from the past to prowl to his present and future. He knew well enough, more than anyone else. But he can stop it from hurting the people who stubbornly keeps on clinging to his side after all what happened.

“No. I’m okay. How about you, hyung?” he stopped Heechul from dialing from his phone and stood up before they reached their elevator stop. “I’m sorry, everything’s just a mess.”

“What are you sorry for? It was pretty cool of you,” Heechul helped him up, brushed his suit, patted his back, pulled his face near Siwon’s, and managed an approving smile. They then walked to Siwon’s car. “But I bet, you’ll make more church trips than the usual.”

Siwon chuckled while searching for his car keys. “Don’t worry. Like I said, I’ll take responsibility. I’ll fix everything,” Siwon should stop saying everything because, seriously, everything will not get fixed if it will not start from Heechul. And fixing Heechul may be far from that day, but he will eventually move forward, even if it takes a lifetime.

Before he managed to open the driver’s side door, his phone rang. His secretary on the other end reported that his father had arrived to check the progress of the meeting and came to know what had crucially happened on the first half hour of the supposedly contract signing. Siwon asked Heechul to stay in the car, but the older guy discreetly refused and demanded to tag along.

Few minutes after, they were standing in front of Siwon’s father’s office. That was not the first time Heechul met the oh so glorious Mr. Choi but boy he is fidgety like a guilty kindergarten who stole a cookie from the jar even before snack time.

“Hyung, you’re a bit uneasy. Relax, it’s just Dad. You’ve met him before, right?” Siwon was mocking him a bit, trying to calm himself by fixing the creases of his suit that were not even there.

“Shut up. What are you waiting for? Knock,” it was more of an order than a question. Siwon sighed and knocked. A deep manly voice welcomed them and the two entered. The president’s office spoke of formality and edge. Everything was in place, organized, not a speck of dust to be seen. It smelled nice and fresh and had an awkward cordial feel.

There was a stern look on Mr. Choi’s face while reading pages after pages of business reports and proposals. But when he looked up at the two young men in front of him and smiled, Heechul got to relax his tensed shoulders.

“Father, today is ―” Siwon’s attempt was broken off by his father’s words.

“..A bit unexpected of you. You’ve only been here in the company for a good of three months. Everything, from your training, project handling, and promotion were a bit rushed. Are you sure you can handle this?” Mr. Choi’s voice was unwavering but gentle.

“Father, I can explain,” Siwon motioned a step forward but his father lifted a hand to stop him.

“I am not asking you to explain, I am asking you a question, Director Choi.”

Siwon stood straight looked deep into his boss’ eyes, “Yes. Yes, I can, President.”

“And Mr. Kim, it is nice to meet you again. Will you work hard for this project?” he shifted his gaze from his son to their future endorser.

Heechul’s gaze was firm and full of keenness; he need not any of Siwon’s persuation, he knew what to do and what he wanted: shove to the two balding guys’ face that he still got to endorse the product after their sheer disapproval, “Yes, sir.”

Siwon’s father sighed. He paused for a moment, stood up and looked at nothing in particular at the wide glass window’s city scenery before reaching a hand to Heechul, “I hope you will work well with the production team, Heechul.”

Heechul grabbed his hand and shaked it firmly.

“Thanks, Dad,” Siwon’s smile of relief eluded across his face.

“It’s President Choi for you, Director. Sign the contract with Mr. Kim…and knock the day off,” the elder Choi sat back on his chair and motioned the two to leave him alone in peace, they’ve given him enough headache that morning. “Eat lunch out or something, don’t bother me and no more fighting, Wonnie.”

“I understand, President Choi.”

“That’s Dad for you.”

Siwon made more church visits and did more volunteer work than usual. The project pushed through as planned. They shoot three versions of the CF all eliciting the dark and mysterious aura of the new car model with an ironic theme of fresh beginnings and starting anew, did a couple of photoshoot for automotive magazines and billboards, and printed out a dozen sorts of posters. Heechul’s contract was excluded to any kind of interview or press conference. He was simply a face of a driver, a self-propelled passenger of life. It was Heechul’s first project after nine months of brooding inside the dorm. ‘A good comeback’, ‘Is he back for good?’, ‘A new start for Kim Heechul..’, news like these would pop out of broadsheets’ entertainment section and TV talk shows. Heechul would always blame Leeteuk for that fateful Monday morning, and the older guy will mock him saying that at least be thankful that he got to see other humans beside him and the house keeper.

…

“Well, it opened doors for me. I got to DJ again,” Heechul swirled again on his chair.

“That’s the only job you would take. You refused two movies and a drama,” Siwon pinpointed while sipping his almost cold coffee.

“You refused a lot of offers, too, so speak for yourself. And, I don’t feel like doing it.”

“So typical of you, of course,” Siwon giggled and place every paper on the clear file before calling for his secretary, gave a few orders, and left the building premises with Heechul thereafter.

“Hyung,” Siwon murmured while driving sleekly along the highway. He was set to eat dinner with his hyung that day. Heechul came a little too early and decided to wait in Siwon's office. After office hours, they headed to the restaurant Siwon reserved for the two of them.

“Hmm?” Heechul was busy playing an RPG on his phone.

“Is it this time of the year again?” making a slightly pained expression for the unpleasant mementos from years ago.

“Wha―? Oh shi― shoot!” he tried his best not to curse while he’s with Siwon when he lost the game. “What was that?"

“Hyung, how long will you stay like this?”

"Like what exactly," he propped down his phone, changed the look on his face, because he knew he was about to get another life's-too-precious-to-waste lecture.

"Ever since, Hankyung hyung le―"

"Stop the car," heaving a heavy sigh. Siwon was hesitant but nonetheless followed the older guy's request. He gave a lingering look before pulling the car near the gutter. There was a thick silence, the kind that suffocates them if no one would dare to speak. Siwon kind of regretted not turning on the FM radio.

"He's gone. I know that for sure," the older guy initiated. Siwon was just there listening, digging holes with his sight at the steering wheel clutched on both hands. Heechul's words were heavy, like a deadweight he can't escape and to be honest, a little burdensome. A little too burdensome.

"Don't dwell on the past. Time to move on. There's no point in wailing. It's too much lamenting. I'm burdensome," the last two words hit Siwon like a post right in front of him but he did not dare avoiding so it hit him straight in the face. "I've heard it all, Siwon."

"People tried to allay all these grieve within me for all those years. They tried to console me. It's just getting frustrating that I'm trying to do my best to leap forward with you, guys, but I always end up pulling everyone down or being left behind. It's like a never ending cycle and by the end of the day, I'm still on my deadend of the road. What should I do?" with tears forming on his throat and misty eyes he looked at Siwon but the latter refused to look back and instead deadpanned:

"Date me."

"..."

"..."

Siwon pulled his most serious look and Heechul's imagination chose that perfect moment to run beyond normalcy and imagined the almighty brows formed as one and he can't help but choke on the breathe he's holding in and release a chuckle, the lump on his throat slowly dissipating.

"You rotten, spoiled, cunning brat," unthreatening slaps landed on Siwon's toned arms and shoulders.

"I was just kidding, hyung. Stop it. Stop."

Heechul's brows furrowed and he managed a semi annoyed pout. There he was pouring his heart out and there was Siwon setting his gut on fire.

When Heechul refused to stop the forceless slapping, and Siwon had to defend his exaggerated sense of self-importance called ego, he had to turn to his hyung, hold his wrists and forced to lock their gaze. Heechul sighed in defeat and Siwon had to let go of his hold once assured the effeminate man is calmer.

"Way to ruin my emotional confession."

"I know you're looking for a disclosure. But you cannot look for it on a deadend of a road, like what you said. You might be thinking there's no other way so you chose to walk back the same path. The same path that gives you back the same feelings, the same memories and hinders you to create new ones. But what you don't realize is there might be a fork at the side and your sight is just blinded by a roadblock. A roadblock for you to face and tear down. And I know you know, it's your own battle."

"So I'm alone at this."

"Are you alone, hyung? Are you sure? How do you consider the boys? Us? Are we just irrelevant pit stops?" Siwon tried his best to sound patient but he just shot questions one after the other, leaving Heechul's mouth half opened, not giving a chance to speak.

"Ryeowook always cooks for you. Kyuhyun and Shindong are there to play with. What have Eunhyuk and Donghae taught you? I thought Zhoumi is always giving flavors to your dull days. I know you miss Henry. Yesung and Sungmin who can never say no to you. Kangin and Kibum are just a phone call away. And how about Leeteuk, huh? How about me?"

"Hyung, there's always someone, somewhere out there reaching a hand, offering a smile, lending an ear, giving a shoulder to lean. We got your back. Isn't that too obvious by now? But it's your battle. Your very own."

"Siwonnie.. I.."

"Think about that. No need to rush. One step a day," Siwon realized at that very moment how nice it is to talk with a somber Heechul. The older guy had always been a lazy drunkard during this certain season of the year, when the breeze is warm, the days are longer, the afternoons bite orange against twilight, and the velvet navy blue night sky is scattered on the heavens cradling the bright moonlight.

"One step a day? Even if it takes a lifetime?"

"Even if it takes a lifetime," Siwon gave an assuring pat on Heechul's head, the latter giving a shy smile, which was a bit foreign to him. When he sensed that all is well for now, and his rumbling stomach break out its complain, they drove again along the highway, giggling a little, feeling a little accomplished in making his hyung feel better.

People's lives are simply like that. When you refuse to move and are stuck on a standstill within the claws of history, nothing will happen. You are forever trapped. And when you somehow decided to finally move forward but the irony of life slaps you in the face with what you think is the end of the road, you are left with no option but to walk back the same road again. You meet the same grievances and the past rewinds itself.

But to those people who are determined to be free from the constrictions they set for themselves, even if a fork is not really there, they will create tiny holes on the wall blocking their paths. Tiny holes at a time until it become a passageway so they could fit enough to go through that roadblock. And when they look around, it's not only them who created that tunnel. There are significant faces smiling back, whispering soft and endearing words. They know it’s their own fight, but they were never alone so they give it a little more push to move forward.

“I want seafood marinara.”

 “Sounds good. It’s my favorite.”

 “I know.”

 “Hyung…”

 “Hmm?”

 “Um…You have to think about what I said.”

 “I already am.”

“Really?” but it came out as more of an excited tone than a confirmation. “You mean, you―”

He was broken off by a Heechul lowering down his window and letting the gossiping air caress his face, “I mean, you’re right. I’m not alone. I was never alone.”

“Oh that..yes, definitely,” he can’t help but smile and frown at the same time if that is possible, Heechul did listened to him afterall but missing another hint. After a few hesitations and throat clearing to get Heechul’s attention, Siwon faced another detour of his own path. “How about the dating part?”

“Hmm?” Heechul lamely pulled a surprised look.

“Uhh…”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“What? Ah! Of course! Haha! Of course, I was kidding!”

Except, he was not.

...

I’m still alive. Haha.

I know it’s still vague for the Hanchul part. Don’t worry, you’ll know in the next chapter. I have love-hate feel for this cut. I feel accomplished but still lacking.

I have no idea or did what so ever research about Siwon’s family. I just thought of: company, rich, wealthy. Tada!

If you have questions..err. Just ask. I don't bite, really.

Edit: This was brewing on my drafts. I forgot to publish :<