It had been 5 years since she last saw him. Jun Hyosung had heard everything, from his marriage to the divorce. On the day Joong Ki announced his divorce, she unconsciously cried. Hyosung was not sure how it started, all she remembered was her wet face and swollen eyes looking back at her—confusion was written all over her face. There was a painful rush of emotions to the point she almost collapsed on her schedule. Her manager even caught her mumbling Joong Ki’s name when he brought her back to the van to rest.

A divorce after almost two years. She could not believe what happened. He had ghosted her for years when he suddenly announced his marriage and not long afterward, his divorce. Hyosung was not sure if it was a clean break up between him and his ex-wife, but she was sure that she started having nightmares from the news. Hyosung kept remembering the day he left her and made her world crumbling in front of her eyes. All this time, she had limited herself from hearing news of him. However, when he climbed to the popularity and became crazily in love, she was unable to protect herself from his updates. She tried to act like she did not care yet she failed. Day by day, she waited to know if he would eventually settle down with the rumored girlfriend. And he did.

When they held their wedding, Hyosung refused to meet people. She did not want to believe the things she heard—from how secretive the wedding was to how he looked happy in their released wedding picture. The day he got married, Hyosung remembered how he ended their relationship on their first anniversary, stating that he was not sure if Hyosung was into the relationship and it had taken a toll on his feelings as well. It came as a shock to her. She had struggled for months to overcome her insecurity on his sincerity to her. That day, she had sworn to end her insecurity and start fresh with him—only to be told that he was done with her insecurity fights. In front of her unopened gift, he looked straight to her. She remembered how she struggled to believe what he was saying. Under the table, her fingers kept pinching her skin to make sure it was not a dream.

“It feels like I am drowning with your insecurities. I cannot do this anymore, I am sorry,” Joong Ki told her. His eyes did not waver. It was as if he had prepared to say this for a long time.

“But… why?” Hyosung heard herself speaking. “I thought you told me not to worry because you only have your eyes on me?” This time, she could hear her voice trembled.

When he finally spoke, her vision was already blurry from tears. “I am sorry. I did not expect this as well,” he said softly. He did not stay for long. Hyosung was still unable to process what happened when she heard the sound of his hesitant footsteps and a small whisper of “let’s stop seeing each other.”

He stayed true to his words. No matter how hard Hyosung tried to reach him, she just could not. It was as if he wanted to remove her completely from his life. It took her months to accept the fact that she would not be able to see him anymore. Most importantly, she did not have enough reasons to look for him—not even a classic reason for giving back his gifts. A few days after the shocking break up, he sent back her stuff with a small note that told her to keep his stuff with her. It was almost like a warning to her: do not look for me or else.

Until today, Hyosung was unsure what had gone wrong between them. Why did he have to take strong and extreme action to her if it was just another break up like he wanted her to believe in? Questions on his behavior had never stopped lingering in her head. The moment he announced the divorce, these questions became louder. Why did he do what he did?

***

At some points in her career, Hyosung became a homebody. She loved her house and cats. Once in a while, she would agree to party with those she was comfortable with. Today was one of the examples. She could not decline the invitation as it was a house party—an intimate and small party—held by one of her best friends.

“I’m telling you, Jun Hyosung, if you do not come to my place, I do not want to work with your future projects!” Defcon yelled to her through the phone.

Hyosung could only laugh nervously, “How many people are going to come? Is that okay if I do not know anyone?”

“You have been in this business for a decade. You must have known my friends already! We are having a meat barbeque today; you know how good I cook! Anyway, I do not want you to drown in the sadness of parting with your company,” Defcon replied. Hyosung could hear his excitement when he mentioned her separation with her former company. He was right, she could use some distraction from the mess she was in. Everyone had known how her former company liked to destroy their artists’ careers once they parted ways—and she needed the strength to face those upcoming days.

“Alright, Defcon. Just send me the location, I will come a little bit later though if that is okay with you.”

Hyosung gave in to the temptation of not being alone and eating Defcon’s grilled meat—it is known to be one of the best. It was only natural she did not want to miss out, right?

“Great! Head over here in the next two hours and bring some beers!” Defcon said excitedly from the other line.

Hyosung mumbled her answer as Defcon hang up. Although Defcon was right and she would know everybody in his place, she was somehow afraid to go. There was no particular reason, it was just that there was a hesitancy lingering inside her as if asking her to cancel her visit for some vague feelings. Hyosung only had a few minutes to hesitate when Defcon texted her the location with a strong text under it, telling her to come or he will not shut up for months. Hyosung quickly brushed away the lingering feelings, whispering to herself that nothing could happen.

Defcon’s place was one hour away from hers. She needed to pack and buy beers quickly if she wanted to be punctual. It took her three clothes later to completely stop the lingering hesitation. “Que sera sera,” Hyosung told herself when her hands opened the door.

***

One hour later, Hyosung was sweating from the summer heat in front of Defcon’s villa. It was a big villa with a huge front yard—she had counted at least ten cars were parking in the silent yard. She had to walk a little bit to reach the front door—painted with dark brown which was unusual for Defcon’s taste. The sun was blazing hot, the two packs of beers she bought started becoming heavier and her palm got slippery from the sweat. Hyosung found it hard to balance herself, knock the door with her feet, and make sure the beers would not move even an inch. The beers’ packaging started biting her palms. She was kicking the front door when she heard a chatter behind her.

That was when she heard a car parked and soon followed by a faint conversation, “You have to get out more to feel better,” a man said. Hyosung could picture a smile on his face while he said it. However, she did not hear any responses to the saying. ‘What kind of a rude person that man is talking to,’ Hyosung thought to herself. She was still kicking the door when she realized that she should just ask help from the two people to call Defcon and announced their presence. A satisfied smile crept to her face; she could not believe how smart she was!

Her ears could hear steps coming closer to her position, meaning they were coming to her way. Relieved, Hyosung’s eyes quickly searched for these new guests of Defcon. It felt like forever to finally catch their figures. Two men were coming to her way. Both wore short sleeve t-shirts with short pants. One was dressed in a pastel color while the other was dressed in white and black.

“For God’s sake, Joong Ki. I wonder if you are burning under that black t-shirt.”

Her heart stopped beating. It had been a while to hear someone called his name that casually—as if he was right there with that person. Was she hallucinating when she heard the name? Could it be someone else? After all, he would not be around this party right? Questions after questions flooded her head without mercy. She had to gasp for air to calm herself.

Unfortunately, before she could calm herself down, the two men spotted her stunning figure. She heard a startled “Oh! Jun Hyosung!” first before she caught his surprised face. It was him. Song Joong Ki. The one and only. Under the summer sun, his pale skin looked even paler. His short hair was a little bit messy and there were signs of exhaustion on his face. He was a lot more muscular than the last time she met him—his t-shirt almost failed to protect those beautiful muscles. Those muscles, however, could not hide the wrinkles on his forehead or the dark circles under his eyes—it was as if he was too exhausted to hide his struggles to the world.
The two of them looked at each other—too dumbfounded to move. It took a few seconds for him to turn his surprise to anger. Hyosung could recognize his angry and disgusted face everywhere. It hurt to see that he had chosen to show that to her now. After all, how many years had it been since they last met? Why did not he show her an inch of interest? The sudden change on his face had successfully awoken Hyosung’s insecurity from years ago.

“Cha Tae Hyun, you should go ahead. I think I should head back,” Joong Ki finally opened his mouth. He glanced at Hyosung. After a few years not looking at him at the eyes, Hyosung could only gulp nervously under his stare.

“That is going to be rude! Oh, come on, how bad could this party turn to be?” Cha Tae Hyun laughed although Hyosung noticed that Tae Hyun was somehow even more nervous than she was.

Hyosung decided to ignore the growing pains on her palm and quickly bow to the two. “Good afternoon, seniors,” she said. Tae Hyun probably realized the two packs of beers she brought when he suddenly ran to her saying “How could I be so ignorant!” while taking the beers away from her. Her palms were already red from the heavyweight of the beers. Hyosung mumbled her apology as she tried to completely ignore the stunning figure behind them and called Defcon’s phone to announce their arrival. When Defcon picked up her call, she could see Tae Hyun’s head gestures to the other man—clearly asking him to ignore everything and enjoy the barbeque party.

“Defcon, I am already outside with Cha Tae Hyun and Song Joong Ki,” Hyosung said softly when Defcon picked up. She did not hear any replied from the other line but the door swung open in front of her. Defcon’s tanned face and the smell of meat greeted them right away.

“Defcon, I—“

“Cha Tae Hyun! Do you bring Song Joong Ki out of his cave? Why did you not tell me first?! Come on in now three of you!” He cheerfully cut her—as if telling her that he also did not expect Song Joong Ki to show up in front of his door.

Tae Hyun quickly came in, chattering with Defcon while bringing Hyosung’s beers. Hyosung glanced back, he still stood there—seemed unsure of what to do. Hyosung sighed. She did not want to make this situation even more awkward than it already was, so she stepped inside.

“Are you coming?” She asked, holding on the doorframe. “Don’t worry, I also had no idea you were going to be here. I did not stalk you if that is what you’re thinking,” Hyosung started babbling which she quickly regretted. She should have stayed as cool as she could.

She saw him flashing her a small smile before passing through her to the backyard. “I know,” he said when he brushed past her. Hyosung’s head was dizzy from the sudden memories flooding her head when her nose smelled his familiar cologne. ‘He has not changed that much, has he?’ she wondered while closing the door.

The moment she walked to the backyard; she saw his backside facing her—as if not sure if he really should join the cheerful small crowd of Defcon’s friends. Her heart ached when she realized that he was not ready to face the world even after he had gone missing for a year from the public’s eyes. What happened to the Song Joong Ki who was always confident when he was around Hyosung 7 years ago?

 “You can go back if you are not ready to meet these people. You do not owe them anything,” Hyosung said—her eyes were still fixed on his confused shoulders. Her words surprised the two of them. Hyosung could feel her face warm up—totally unrelated to the hot temperature outside.

He had turned to look at her, his eyes cautiously scanned her as if assessing whether she was a threat or not. “I’ll go first then,” Hyosung chuckled nervously, trying to hide her embarrassment. He would have thought she could not get over him after the breakup—which was true. However, she was not trying to get close to him or anything. She only wanted to tell him that he had options in a situation like this: stay or leave. If there was someone else standing in his place and having the same hesitation, she would still tell them the same words.

She coughed awkwardly before trying to brush past him to the crowd. “You look different,” He said when she had walked a few steps ahead of him. “I do not have the luxury to stay the way I was,” ‘as you do’ she added silently inside her head. Her fame declined sharply after a thoughtless word—and yet he was still on top of his fame even after the marriage roller coaster. She did not have his luck—her fame was destroyed just like how her heart did.  

There was a silence between them which made Hyosung uncomfortable. She did not come to this party to be cornered by someone who dumped her years ago. Hyosung shook her head and left him behind to join the laughing crowd. She scanned the place and saw almost everyone she knew—except some of Defcon’s non-celebrity friends. The blazing sun did not stop her to take a bite on Defcon’s famous meats and drink a glass of cold beer. She talked and talked and talked for what felt an eternity to everyone in the party when she saw him joining the crowd—laughing as nothing happened between them earlier. Hyosung was unsure if she should feel relieved or hurt over the fact that he could act like nothing important happened.

She drank glass after glass, almost tipsy at the end of the event. Hyosung had caught him looking at her time after time as if checking whether she was alright. Perhaps he remembered how she was not good with alcohol when she was nervous—or perhaps the way she tried to avoid him was too obvious. Whatever his reason was, Hyosung found out that she slowly sobered up and became self-conscious about what she was doing. Suddenly, she started doing things automatically. When she heard laughter, she would also laugh. When someone expressed their amusement, she would follow up with the same response. But whatever she did, she always tried to glance back to his direction. He was the real opposite of her—he looked relaxed as if nothing could bother him at that moment. His side profile gave her a peaceful vibe—as if he finally accepted where he was.

She liked that. To see a happy Song Joong Ki was all Hyosung could ever hope for. It was enough for her to know he was doing okay and happy.