She had been at the party for two hours. The continuous conversation had started wearing her energy down. It was no longer fun to be there—even when she could watch him doing his things. So, she decided to go home. Hyosung quickly bid her farewell to Defcon—letting him know that it was enough outing for her for this week—and to the other guests—saying that she had something planned for tomorrow. She tried her best not to look at him or else she could just betray herself and sat longer in the party—only to enjoy his presence.

A part of her wished he would follow her back to her car—offering her explanation and comfort. No, she did not wish to start over everything between them. She only wanted to know if he was doing fine and all her worries meant nothing all this time. Although she would appreciate it if he let her watching him when he explained his situation to her. That was when the realization hit her: she wanted to be with him—both physically and mentally. Would she be willing to start over if he asked? Her silent answer made her heart ached: she would. Were all of her ‘independent’ covers only a lie to make her look less pathetic than she already was?

She had been lying to herself the whole time. The wound he gave her had never really healed—she was waiting for him to take care of the big gaping wound, to let her know that it would be alright. Hyosung sat inside her car, too shocked to realize that two hours party is all she needed to understand the pain she felt whenever she heard his name. His sudden presence had made her back to the square one with the moving on plan. Hyosung inhaled as much air as she could. She knew she had to stop thinking about all these possibilities or she might be driven crazy with all of these thoughts. Her heart could not take the third shock from him—she had heard rumours flying around that he might have reunited again with his ex-wife. No one knew the truth. She did not want to be in a mess if it was proven to be true—she would find it hard to get up from all the pain.

The continuous painful thoughts inside her head had made her unaware of her surroundings. It was not until he knocked on her car’s window that she saw his slender figure. His black cap let her observe his clear eyes freely—there was no strand of hairs that could disturb people to look straight at his eyes. Unconsciously, Hyosung drowned into his eyes—without any willingness to fight back.

“Hey, did you hear me?” His soft annoyed voice pulled Hyosung from the coolness of his clear eyes. She was not sure when she had rolled down the car’s window—but there they were with their faces so close to each other that she could have a faint smell of his cologne.

“Oh, I am sorry, I got lost for a little bit. What was it again?” Hyosung asked nervously, afraid that she might have offended the man in front of her.

“I was asking if you have some free time to hang out with me,” He replied. Hyosung could see his face muscles working to form a sweet smile she would die for.

At the back of her head, all broken heart songs that she knew had started playing. All of those warnings, telling her to back up before she got hurt. Although she knew for sure, she was going to do what those songs had warned her not to.  

“As for today?” She stupidly asked back.

He laughed. It was her first time to see him laughing so heartedly in the last two hours—the kind of laughs that reached his eyes. A sincere laugh. She was stunned to the sudden realization. When was the last time she saw him this carefree as if there was no weight burdening him?

“Of course,” He answered, grinning. “As a matter of fact, like right now, if you don’t mind cause people at the party have started poking to my personal life now,” Joong Ki softly said.

Hyosung got it right away. He was not ready to answer those questions—it became suffocating to stay in the same room with those people and took a step back to see where went wrong in his life.

“Come on in then,” Hyosung said, gesturing Joong Ki to take the passenger’s seat.

It took him only a few seconds to sit where Hyosung asked him to, and even with a seatbelt before she even remembered to remind him about safety! She took the sight next to her once again, wondered if it was a dream. She knew it was not a dream when he clapped his hand, “Show me how good you drive!”

Hyosung laughed. It was not a dream. In her dreams, Song Joong Ki had never been this excited about her driving.

***

“Where do you think we should go?” Song Joong Ki suddenly threw the question—making Hyosung flustered.

She was too deep in her thoughts that his soft voice was like thunder to her. Hyosung laughed in an attempt to cover her embarrassment. “You are the one who asked me to hang out, I thought you already knew where to go?”

Joong Ki chuckled while nodding his head. “I wanted to show you my favourite coffee shop. Do you want to have a cup of coffee with me?”

A cup of coffee after some beer, her stomach rejected the idea by letting out a loud growling sound. Hyosung blushed, it was not what she expected to answer Joong Ki’s question and yet her stomach beat . Joong Ki looked at her, his eyes were observing.

“Please do not look at me like that, you make me more embarrassed than I should be,” Hyosung told him softly, silently turning the car to a familiar road.

“What was there to be embarrassed? I see that you have your comfort place when your stomach rejected the idea of drinking coffee,” Joong Ki answered calmly. His eyes finally left her and started looking around the road.

That was when Hyosung realized that she had driven to her favourite park that overviewed Seoul’s scenery. She liked the place because it was close to her place, had many restaurants and most importantly, the sunset was breathtakingly beautiful in that place. Unconsciously, she wanted to share this secret place of her to him while at the same time protecting her remaining pride.

“There is a coffee shop near the park we are heading to if you want a cup of coffee. I love to explore the cafes and restaurants in that place, I was wondering if you will accompany me for desserts instead of coffee?” Hyosung took a deep breath, it was the longest sentence between the two of them in the car—and definitely after the long five years. A long conversation yet she threw her pride to ask him in what would easily be mistaken as a ‘date’.

“Wow, you go around tasting foods now? That is something new,” His unexpected response made Hyosung stole a glance at him. He was looking at her with his big round eyes as if he was mesmerized by her answer.

Hyosung shyly smiled. “I have worked out like crazy these days, so I do not restrict my diet that much,” she explained. It was true that she was still obsessed over her weight however she had slowly loosened up some of her dieting rules for snacking once or twice a week. Hyosung knew she had missed out too much of happiness when she was in her previous companies, it was time to let her body enjoyed things they could not back then.

“I agree, you do seem a lot better. I hope that also applies to your happiness and not only your appearance,” He paused for a moment when the sentence slipped out of his lips—as if wondering if he was talking to her or himself.

“I am a lot happier now, thank you for the concern,” Hyosung quickly said. “What about we eat some ice cream today?”

She was not sure if he knew what he did would make her head question everything all over again. When his voice came out, she had been enjoying electrifying sparks coming from her arm. “Oh my god yes! I have been craving for some!” He said, patting her arms again and again.

‘Way too excited for a simple offer’ she put a mental note to herself.

“Let me park around the place then, their shop is right across the park too so we can get a glimpse of the sunset today,” Hyosung told him as her eyes were busy searching for a vacant parking spot.

“You can park on small roads in Seoul now?” Joong Ki casually asked.

“Do not offend me, I get this driving license with all of my efforts,” Hyosung laughed. “Although your instinct is right, I am not good with parking which is why I always look for an apartment with underground parking. I found out that it is easier to park safely in that place.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Lately, I am also looking for an apartment with a parking area. Turns out it is not that easy to find places with a parking area.”

As Hyosung found a vacant parking spot, turning the wheel in an almost bluffing manner for Joong Ki to see, she could not help but ask, “I thought you live in a land-house? I heard you have some, what is it with moving to a building?”

There was a long silence followed by a deep sigh. That was the first time Hyosung heard him sigh in the entire day. Hyosung wondered if she had gone too far this time especially considering that she knew how rumors were still circling the two of them like crazy.

“I destroyed one of the houses, our marriage house,” Joong Ki said in a low voice, his left hand supported his chin while his forehead glued to the window.

“I just cannot see that house and get reminded of everything. Do you know that feeling?” He slowly added.

Of course, she knew how it felt. How did he think she survived the months after he left her? Although, unlike him, she never dared to throw his stuff away. Sure, she had been in some other relationships but she had secretly kept his stuff hidden somewhere. When those relationships ended, she never got her heart broken brutally as she did with Joong Ki. Naturally, she ended up saving only Joong Ki’s stuff. Perhaps, this marriage was like how Song Joong Ki meant to her after all this time—it was too meaningful to be brushed away just like that. After all, it was a marriage—not only a mere girlfriend-boyfriend kind of situation.

“Of course, I know how it feels. It was you who taught me that,” Hyosung said, watching at one or two people who were passing by her car. The seatbelt somehow got tighter around her, blocking her from breathing properly. She knew that she had a little bit of hatred for him inside of her, she just did not know that she would express it out to him someday.

“I was a jerk to you, was I not?” Joong Ki said, looking at her. There was a faint smile on his face.

Hyosung said nothing. She unclicked her seatbelt, gesturing to Joong Ki to get out, and left the small space of her car as soon as she could. It was suffocating to be trapped in a small space with him along with their chaotic emotions—she almost could not breathe.

“Shall we buy your mysterious ice cream now?” Joong Ki asked across her. Hyosung had not been aware that she was spacing out for a moment, staring at the view of houses’ rooftops in front of her. She nodded and led him to the ice cream store she had been curious about.

The two of them said nothing when they walked to the store. Hyosung did not like the silence, it made her drowning with her negative thoughts—it was not something she liked as she was afraid she would not be able to survive from them today. She was anxious, wondering if they would be able to talk comfortably with each other after a sudden burst from her.

“Hey, it is okay that you expressed yourself earlier. I do not mind,” Joong Ki suddenly said, reaching for hand. His thumb brushed her backhand in an assuring manner before he quickly let her go.

He always knew her better than she did. Even when she said nothing, he knew what happened inside of her head. Was he always this nice to everyone? This kindness was something that she had been looking up in men she had dated after him. Maybe it was this quality of his that made it hard for her to let him go completely.

“You always know how to make people admire you,” Hyosung said, laughing—both to the man and her fluttering heart.

“Cannot help it,” He shortly said, a wide smile was on his face.

In front of the store, he opened the door for her. “To repay you earlier,” he stated. Hyosung’s heart was beating hard. She brushed past him through the small door frame, feeling the soft fabric of his t-shirt on her left cheek and his stare burning her when she accidentally brushed her bare knee to his leg. She knew she was being crazy. There was no way this man was looking for a relationship when he just got his heartbroken. It was not also not even in her list to swoon over him like this today. Or even years before.

‘We’re only here to kill some time!’ She thought to herself. Sweats had wetted her back, making it even more uncomfortable for her to struggle with her thoughts.

Inside the small store, there was a cool breeze accompanied by a smell of caramel. They were the only ones inside the store—with two of the store’s employees ready to take their orders as soon as they heard the bell rang. There were some cookies on the display wall with a list of their price and menu. She liked it instantly. There was a huge colourful collection of flavours in the display, for a moment, she forgot her pained heart in front of these ice cream.

“Still like lemon?” He asked. Hyosung glanced at him; his face was glistening from the hot sun outside yet it did not make him less handsome. More importantly, it did not conceal the fact that he remembered what she liked—although she was too embarrassed to say yes to his gentle gesture.

“Yes, but today I want to eat caramel,” she replied. “I guess mint for you?” She doubted he still had the same taste; she had heard rumours around that he had a drastic change of taste after he dated his ex. Anyway, she only wanted to engage his ‘nostalgia’ game and nothing else.

To her surprise, he laughed. The corners of his eyes wrinkled in a way she missed and the sound was the best of all sound she had heard all day, it was a clear laugh that signalled his happiness—as if he had nothing to hide from the world. “You are testing the rumours, are you not?” He asked after his laughter calmed down.

Hyosung closed her eyes, hoping she could just disappear right there and then. She should have seen it coming! She would not be the first one to ask him about things like this, right?

“We will have the mint and caramel, please,” He told the employee who watched them with curiosity. “My taste stays the same, I don’t understand why I should adjust to my significant other’s if it does not concern her daily tasks,” He added in a low voice. He did not glance at her and instead of watching how the employee scooped the ice cream and put it in the brown cones.

“I was just curious,” Hyosung nervously chuckled when she took her ice cream.

He shook his head, a small smile appeared on his face. When it was time to pay, he beat her to put the money on the counter and with a small gesture told her to save her money.

“I will repay you later,” Hyosung said, uncomfortable with the idea of taking even the slightest of his money.

“Do what makes you comfortable,” He said as he opened the store’s door to let her come out first.

Somehow, her heart was beating harder than usual. She did not like it, at all.

***

Hyosung had brought them to her favorite sitting place, they sat on the far corner of the park, staring at Seoul’s rooftops and skyscrapers. There were not many people around—perhaps because the sunset was still about an hour away. The two of them did not give any attention to the curious peeks from people around, it had been long in their career that they chose to ignore people’s curious eyes on them. At least, that was the case with Hyosung. She was unsure with him—especially with his current situation, he was vulnerable to rumors.

“This place will be a great place to watch the sunset, is it not?” Joong Ki suddenly asked. Hyosung had to stop her wandering thoughts and focused her attention back to him.

“Yes, sometimes I come here when the sky is clear. This place makes me realize how beautiful sunset is,” Hyosung said, the last of her ice cream from the cone.

It seemed that Joong Ki was also uncomfortable with silence between the two of them as the next fifteen minutes, he had tried to talk to her about various things from weather to pets. Although it was still awkward, Hyosung liked the fact that he kept trying to make her talking as if he had thousands of topics stored in his head.

“So, what is going on with you?” Hyosung could hear his careful tone when he asked her the question—she knew he was torn between his curiosity and conscience. It was not a sudden question; she had known they would come to this question when he got into the car. No, both of them knew the question would come sooner or later, it was the matter of who would ask it first that they did not know.

He decided to take the lead. “I thought you are not going to ask,” Hyosung replied, laughing. She wondered if she should be all honest with him or be cautious. She did not know how he would react to her response although she had expected the question in the first place. What made the question important was the response that she, or perhaps he too, was looking for after all this time.

“We both know today will come down to this question, no?” He asked back, clearly not bothered by the fact that Hyosung was still hesitating on her answer.

“I just… want to know if what happened between us was something meaningful to you. I guess after what happened to me, I realized that past is past but I do not know why I start wanting to know if my presence is or was important enough to my partner,” He explained to her—almost bitterly. She knew it was not easy for him to tell her the real reason why he suddenly cared and asked her the question.

“Well, to be honest, I have also shared your concern these past few years. I will not lie, when you dumped me, it left a huge impression on me. How could I say it?” Hyosung paused for a moment, stealing a glance to his handsome face under the summer sun—his face was glistening from the sweat and yet he had not complained about the heat. Hyosung thought the humidity would be enough to make him whining.

“I have to say, I have always been curious if you were genuine when you were in the relationship,” Hyosung carefully said. The moment those words came out, she felt a weight was lifted from her heart.

“Was our break up too sudden for you?” He asked, nibbling on the cone of his ice cream. He stared straight ahead as if he was hesitating on how to discuss his choices back then to her.

“If you ask that way, I have to say yes. It was too sudden…” She was not sure why she suddenly wanted to cry and yet her eyes suddenly got blurry. tightened, making her afraid to speak as she knew he would know right away that she was on the edge of tears.

“Now that I think about it, I promised you that I would not drift apart from you and believe only in you, did I not?” He softly said. His fingers tapped hers in a way that told her that he knew the conversation had brought many things up to her.

“Yes,” She choked. She could not hold back anymore. Tears rolled down her cheek. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe that she had to gap for air. She lost her ability to talk, she could only sob.

People looked at their way, curious if Joong Ki had done something bad to her. Hyosung bowed her head in both embarrassment and tiredness. Joong Ki had said nothing next to her although his left hand had found its way to her back, slowly rubbing it.

After some time, he broke the silence, “I genuinely apologize for causing this much pain to you.”

Hyosung chuckle became a choked sound. Her tears had wetted her whole face and mixed with her sweat. It was not a pretty look; she did not want him to see her face like this which made her bow even deeper to her lap.

“You will hurt yourself, here, wipe your face,” Joong Ki softly told her after some minutes passed and her sobs had subsided, he put some tissues on her palm.

“Thank you,” Hyosung mumbled, quickly wiping all the tears and sweats on her face.  

They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. The sun probably pitied her break down as it set itself beautifully, proving her points to him on the significance of this location for her.

“Let’s go back,” Hyosung told him when people started coming out and the sky had become pitch black. Joong Ki nodded. “Should I drop you off to your place?” Hyosung asked as she planned the route she was going to make.

“Let me drop you to your place instead, I can go back by myself,” Joong Ki replied. Hyosung nodded. She knew it would make him uncomfortable to let her know where he was currently living. Or maybe he was simply tired of spending time with her and needed some time alone. Or maybe something else came up? She quickly drowned in her thoughts and guesses.

Suddenly, she felt his big hand clasped to hers, his fingers slowly rubbed the back of her hand. Unconsciously, she tightened the grip. It had been a while for her to feel this… secure. It was as if she had been whole, again. “For old time’s sake and my apologize for your tears,” He said when she opened to question him.

She bit her lower lip, nodding in agreement.

***

He was a man of his words. Instead of letting her drive, he had successfully pushed her to the passenger seat and took over the driver’s seat. There was no conversation inside the car except when she told him the direction to her place. She wanted to ask things yet she knew she would not be able to accept anything he said if they did not fit into her narrative. Yes, in the short time of meeting him, she had become unbelievably selfish. There was a dangerous urge coming from her to become his, again.

She found herself to be too deep in her thoughts when she was unconsciously waving to him who was already in a taxi, waving to her. Hyosung was confused. There was a battle inside her head if she should confess, again, or to let things between them go.
Hyosung closed her eyes as she pressed his phone number. Her heartbeat crazily when he picked up, his low voice asked “What is going on?” from across the line.

“Joong Ki, I know this is stupid and maybe you are not ready to do this,” she started. There was silence on his side as if waiting what was going next.

“I…Can we get back together and figure things out? If you think that is too much…Ah, what am I talking about? This is too much. I am sorry, just forget it,” She kept talking, could not find the brake to stop herself from the constant rambling.

“Hey, take a deep breath. It is okay, I know what you are thinking because I am feeling it too now,” He paused. She paused. For the two of them, the world had just paused completely. They were too deep in something they were not sure of.

“Should we take things slow?” She decided to be a little bit braver.

“Should we?” Somehow, Hyosung could see the faint smile on his face when he said that.

“Yes,” She whispered, destroying the efforts she had made so far to move on from him.