Bailey's Monologue 1: So Help Me God
Push and Pull (HIATUS)
I don't know about you but, does it often happen that there's this particular object that you have that's just scattered almost everywhere and you ignore it just because it's there and when time comes you need it, it went kaput? Are you nodding right now in agreement? Yes, well, how did you feel when that particular thing resurfaced again? Happy? Elated? Relieved? Well, good for you if you chose any of the three mentioned, because if you're going to ask me, i don't even feel close to being happy or excited. Not one bit. Talking based from my unlucky experience, when i found that one thing I've been missing in such a long time, i was afraid and i am bent on believing that i don't need it anymore or else i'll end up hurt again.
What the hell is my problem, you probably ask and how are these thoughts suppose to make sense. And maybe you're questioning your judgment when you decided to read this. Fir
st of all, let me get this clear, i may be crazy (come on, who isn't?) but i'm not that extremely whacked to get all sappy on things missing like erasers, earrings, papers and the like. It's actually a guy (hooray! the freaking cat is out of the bag) and I honestly believe that i'm saving myself all the trouble here, and that all this will be worth it in the end (or not...you tell me).
Who was he?
He's a hot stuff, i tell you. It hurts so much just by looking at his perfection and did i mention that I really hate him? No? Yes. whatever, i'm saying it again. i hate him.
He was 21 but he doesn't look a day older than 17 in his toned 6 foot 1 frame, brown eyes and clean cut brown silky hair that sometimes he allowed to grow. I touched those soft locks a few times and it was a shame that its softer than mine. There were days he would brush it up or tie it in a messy ponytail and i believe that he could give the most drool worthy idol in the face of the planet a run for their money. He was gorgeous and God probably marveled at his lovely creation that was Park Chanyeol. Heck, i think God patted himself in the back when he made him and chose carefully where to put him, because apart from his face, he had a perfect life. coming from a distict family and had everything he needed and wanted at his beck and call. he is the big man's sublime creation. Pardon me though, i may sound Chanyeol biased here, but please remember i hate him..just so we're clear on that and in case you missed it. He was my closest friend, i saw him as a brother and it was a love that had so much unspoken boundaries (that kinda got crossed for a time) it hurt so much. But what killed me was when he left without saying goodbye.
Where did he go?
I don't know. I tried looking for the answer but saw it as futile since how can you even find someone who meant to go with the intention of not being found - after all he left without a word. Just an indication he' safe is okay for me to stop.
There wasn't a day i didn't think of him, but too much thinking led me to see the bigger picture and my feeling of bitterness (there, i said it, i'm a bitter creature) replaced the longing i have for him. Then, the idiot came back. He returned just as how he left- silently, sneakily and annoying. You know my problem now that he's here? I cannot act like a total drama queen when all of our friends are welcoming him like a repatriate or else he'll find out that i was at my wits end two years ago (he doesn't need to know and i made my friends promise or else i'll reveal their deepest, darkest, nastiest secret). And besides, why should i go all 'you left without saying goodbye' on him, right? He'll probably think i am nuts and over acting so i had to it, man up (lol seriously), welcome him and pick the pieces from where we left off like nothing happened.
Real talk though, I wish it was easy as that. Because even if we go and just start off anew we (or I, i don't know) will always be reminded of the things in between - me, my mangled heart, him, and things we shared before he gave up on the word us. Yes, let us be reminded here that there is no such thing us. He decided it for himself and god, that's the worst feeling of all, one is willing to give it a shot while the other has easily given up. I don't know what his problem was but, oh well, like i said i'm not drama-queen (yes i keep on saying that to convince myself fully) so i'll keep it to myself and put that backbone i've developed through the years he was gone and put it to good use - to avoid him as much as possible and put on a strong facade even if it hurts a wee bit inside.
My name is Bailey by the way, and honestly right now i think i need all the luck i can get. Wish me and my poor heart good luck, because even if i hate him, he's still a handsome charming creature and my freaking heart can't seem to stop when he's around. So help me God.
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Apologies for the errors. and im too lazy to fix the capitalization i was writing from my phone. baaaah
Okay so that's Bailey....i think she's a wee bit crazy. :3
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