I felt numb reading through it.

It felt numb writing it.

Like I wouldn’t have to face the consequences later, sooner or ever.

It felt surreal.

Like it wasn't any of my business.

Guk,

Is it hard living for me? Is it?

I realised that there is nothing more powerful in my world than the word live. I live and crave and survive. It’s all I ever do. The pleasure of living could be mine. One day I might start enjoying it. I did really ponder’ont, just so you know. I did think about us and everything that could ever possibly go wrong because that’s my job. I’m an English Literature student; I analyse until I can’t analyse any longer. And I had never run out of things to analyse before the subject of 'us' was invented.

And I didn’t ever doubt for a second that you’d live for me. You’d change the purpose of your existence to mould into mine, to match it and support it. It’s not selfish because I’d do the same. We’d co-exist. And even though that sounds so formal and proper, if you really look into it, it’s beautiful. To me anyway.

And then my imagination ran with it and started filling up the corners of my mind; like gas it flooded my head, my sanity drowning in these thoughts so real that they became feelings. And then memories, and then fact.

But recently flipping through the pages, I realised. It’s harder than we thought isn’t it?

Admit it. You can say it, I won’t be mad that we underestimated it. Music can be your thing but beliefs... No matter what you say, I don’t think you can believe in Music. The two things are so different. Music can create an illusion but when you believe in something... That’s definitely that. They’re poles apart, right?

Do not rush into immediate denial and say we have something true, because I won’t believe you and I’ll get angry. Just quietly reflect, think of all the things you’ll leave behind, all the things you could actually gain and then go ahead. Tell me how you feel, if I'm still around to listen.

Because feeling can be ugly. Feeling can be dirty and rusty and disgustingly real. If you dream hard enough you’ll feel it. If you keep on dreaming hard enough you won’t ever come down and hit it. It being Reality. And that’s not what I want for us. If we’re not on that ground, I want us to crash together and stay there. It’s safer than floating up in the air on a fake and temporary high. 

Wouldn’t you rather be prepared for that crash Yongguk? Because if you can't crash, I'm gonna do it by myself. I have to leave you behind babe. Looking at it in black, white and grey... I've looked at this in every single way I could possibly look at this but... I can't do this. You know? I can't.

I won’t say sorry because it’ll make you mad.

I put it on the kitchen counter, next to the fridge - where he’d see it, and quickly left before I could change my mind.