I half-heartedly posed in front of the mirror, adjusting one of the many bed sheets that were on the bed, to wrap comfortably around my torso. I’d only slept for a while, but when I woke up it felt weird. To have someone lying in a bed, lying next to me, snoring like we’d known each other for years. Well...

It felt different.

It didn’t feel good.

I didn’t feel dirty or as soiled as some people claimed to feel; but I didn’t feel right either. I didn’t feel completely broken, but completely used, completely worn and tired. But still, the bed sheet clung to me for dear life, instead of the other way round. I had summoned enough power to look at myself hadn’t I?

Outer appearance can be deceiving.

I looked exactly the same.

A voice stirred from the bed. The same voice that had promised me it would be so good, that I’d see stars for days after we’d done it. I quickly got up, took the cash he’d left on the dresser and remaining cash in his wallet since he wasn’t awake enough to give me a tip. It was strange because it felt perfectly normal to take it, like I’d deserved it almost. I looked at myself for one last time in the mirror, promising myself never to do that again, promising myself to get a job.

Even though I’d never ask my mom, or dad, or even Jongup, for money because it was shameful, this felt even worse. Like an animal, I quickly got dressed, scampered down the hallway and into the light. I wanted to collapse because at that moment exhaustion was my middle name.

The following moments were all a blur. I hadn’t even noticed that Himchan from my Advance English class had spotted me swaying like a drunken person, in the middle of the street. I wasn’t sure where to go, or what to do - even when he placed a firm hand on my shoulder.

“Junhong? Is that you?” He hurried over, peering into my eyes. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head and burst into tears. He didn’t push away when I began clawing at his back, willing myself to hold on and clutch some substance. I prayed that whoever was out there would bless Himchan, because without him I probably would have shrivelled up on the ground and prepared to die. He just patted my head, obviously confused but sad because I was distraught and he didn’t know why.

“You need uplifting right? I’m going to a work party, at Kyobo. You know the massive book centre? There’s gonna be loads of giveaways. And it would be great if you could come.” I sniffled, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “Cheer up Hongie.”

I nodded at him, gratefully accepting the tissue from his satchel.