Story Title: My Boyfriend Is A Player
Story link: click

Author: PastelClover

Reviewer: kittyxluvlee

Title -3/5

The title was...a little cliché. There are TONS of AFF stories out there with titles like that, so it's not really that original. It DID pertain to the story, so I have nothing to say on that. I don't know about other readers, but it personally did not catch my attention. Though I am very glad you did not put the title in all capital letters and add exclamation marks. That just screams 'amateur', so I didn't take off points there. I guess that my only remark is that the title is already pretty common, but it does fit with the story...I notice a lot of people like titles like that, but I think that a more sophisticated title would draw in more experienced readers.

Description/Foreword  -11/15

The foreword and description did have some grammar mistakes in them, but I'll get to them later. I love the cute, pretty colors that match the bright, cheerful theme of the story. Again, the description did seem a little cliché and did seem to give away a bit too much information, but that's just my opinion. BUT, for people looking for a good comedy, it's good! Already in the last sentence, the reader can expect something funny happening in the story thanks to Iseul's bluntness. I know some people don't like character introductions in the foreword,  but I don't really mind IF you showcase the characters' personalities properly, which I will get to later :D Since this is your first fanfiction  and English is not your first language, I'll be lenient.

Character Development/Showcasing -18/20

The character development is pretty good. It's pretty consistent, but I feel like it moves a bit too fast for me. You could add a little more emphasis on the important parts (Like her flashback of Myungsoo)

Appearance-5/5

I loved the poster. There aren't that many gif posters on AFF, so this is pretty rare. I loved the blending of the poster and how the main character's movements in the poster complemented each other. I love the bright, cheerful theme you have in your story. Perfect for a comedy. Stories are generally written in paragraphs, but since this is a comedy and there's more talking than description, I'll let the formatting go. Technically, most comedies have every other line spaced, so formatting's all good~ And it makes it easier for the reader to read ^^

Originality 10/20

So...forgive me for coming off as harsh, but this is my honest opinion. I'll keep it to a minimum though :D

Okay, so this story is really cliché. I'm sorry, but there are so many fan fictions that have the same title, have the some plot, etc. So, I could already predict what was going on in the story. A girl whose older brother is in a boy band who meets one of his band mates, who is a cold-hearted player....who is trying to make her fall for him, but ends up falling for her in the process, etc etc...In fact, several other fan fictions like this story have gotten featured on AFF, so I've read my fair share of them. So, no, I was sadly not on the edge of my seat. SO..now that I've pointed out what I didn't like about it, let me talk about what I loved. Okay, the whole past romance thing with Kris? I loved it. You don't normally see fics about the boy band member having a romantic past. I'm interested in what will happen~ You should definitely pursue Kris's love life. I do like the originality you have in your Iseul-LuHan-Myungsoo love triangle. Myungsoo and Iseul's past is definitely a first that I've seen. Keep up the love triangle drama!

Flow -3/5

I have to say that the story felt a little choppy with the constant verb tense change. It was pretty fast past, which some people enjoy. I think a little more detail and description would definitely lend your story a more professional feel :D

Grammar/Spelling -15/25

Were there grammar mistakes throughout the story (comma splices, run on sentences, fragments, no commas where needed, etc.)? Was there improper word usage? Spelling errors?

Okay, so I can tell that English is definitely not your first language, so, first, I want to give you props for having the courage to write in a language you were not confident in. Since it's not your first language, I'll be grading a little differently. Below is a copy of Chapter 1 that I revised and highlighted areas that you might want to pay attention to. Right off the bat, I would say watch out for punctuation. You almost never had periods at the end of your sentences, and your questions didn't end with a question mark. You used a exclamation mark instead. Truthfully, the best way is the use '?!?!' I decided to be lenient because English is not your first language, otherwise I would've docked off much more. Think of this more as a grammar lesson than me being a Grammar Nazi :D

Iseul's POV
 
There were sounds of birds chirping and people talking. I was [You used 'am' here, which is incorrect because you started with past tense in the first sentence, so you should stick with past tense.) lying on a field of flowers and suddenly...

"Iseul , You're dead if you don't wake up from the bed!" He shouted into my ears while holding a bucket full of ice water.

"Yahh ! Wu Fan ! You spoiled my wonderful dream !" I shouted and threw my fluffy pink pillow at him. [You  wrote: 'I shouted and throw him my fluffy pink pillow' which is grammatically correct IF the sentence was on its own. But REMEMBER: STICK WITH PAST TENSE. You should never change verb tense unless it's like a flashback. Anyways, I changed it to  'threw my fluffy pink pillow' because if you wrote it like 'I throw him my pillow' it sounds like you threw him a pillow and he caught it. But I believe that you were implying that ISeul was hitting him with her pillow, so this revision makes more sense to the reader.]

"I told you to call me Kris instead of Wu Fan !"

"You're my brother so I can call you whatever I want!"

"Yahhh Wu Fei ! Get ready for school now ! Or I will take my credit card back !"

"School? I just moved [Again, [past tense because she's talking about how moved. Meaning she already moved. You would use 'move' if she was in the process of moving.] from LA to Korea 1 week ago and now you already registered me to a school?! I still can't speak Korean well !"

"I don't care , I must go to the dorm to wake up the boys because I sure they are sleeping like pigs now. [I changed it to 'pigs' because you're talking about all the members, not just one.] You must arrive at Seoul High School before I arrive there." [I changed this to arrive, because usually conversation dialogue is in present tense unless the person speaking is talking about something they already did. Here, Kris is telling her something in the present, thus the present tense.]

"Why?" I hugged my teddy bear

"There is [I use 'is' because ceremony is a single noun] a ceremony for junior students [I'm pretty sure she's not the only student] who just entered the school this year. It's at 8am for the senior class we entered at 9am  [RUN ON >.<;;]

"What time is it now?" I took [If it's not dialogue, it's in the past tense!!] my watch and it showed [same here] 7.30am

"Holly crap ! Why don't you tell me earlier ?! YOU'RE DEAD WU YI FAN ! "

 I rushed to the bathroom & take a bath as fast as possible. I make my hair into a loose bun and clip it with a turquoise color ribbon. I took Kris's car keys [You wrote 'Kris car key'. Please use apostrophes for Kris because it's his car.] and drove [PAST TENSE!] to school in [You used 'with' but she's driving in the car. It sounds like she's going to school while lugging the car alongside her] Kris's red Ferrari [Proper noun, and again, the possessive noun] car.

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Kris POV

Where's that girl? ! It's almost 9.30am & she still hasn't arrive? The ceremony is over & where the earth is she ?!

At the [You used 'At in' which sounds kind of awkward, I just got rid of in.] front of the school , I see a girl wearing a 7cm high heels , an expensive Gucci [Proper noun] leather bracelet & a brown leather backpack. [You wrote 'and use a brown leather backpack. You've been listing nouns and now you list a verb. It's a matter of parallelism. It just sounds kind of awkward, so I deleted the use] It's Iseul.

"Yahhh ! Your car navigator doesn't work ! It took [PAST TENSE..even though it's in a conversation, the car just took her to Myeondong. It's not taking her right now] me to Myeondong ! You better buy a new navigator !"

"I never told [You used 'tell'. Again, what I just stated above.] you to use my car" I said with my arrogant voice.

"You don't even give me money to take a bus there. I don't even know [Original: I even don't know..Again, grammatically correct, but it's awkward sounding...]where I must stop at !" Iseul nagged

"Okay , I'm sorry. I will buy you a limited edition Gucci [Proper noun] bag. Can you forgive me?"

"Apology accepted [The phrase is 'Apology accepted!'] !"

"You're in the same class with Sehun-ah [Sehun is a proper noun, and the ah suffix is written as -ah. It's not actually a part of his name.] & you don't need to enter class today because we're free today."

"Who is Sehun-ah?" She asked me with a who-the-hell-he-is look.

"You really don't have any interest in idols? Sehun is the maknae [You need an article to define the noun] from EXO K. How come you don't even recognize your own brother's [Possessive noun because SeHun is one of Kris's group members.] boyband member"

"Oh I see , That guy with the [You forgot an article] innocent face. I told you I am [You forgot 'am'] never interested in idols [Plural!]"

From far , Kai & Chanyeol ran toward us with tons of fangirls running behind them.

"My lovely gege ! Please help me !!!" Baekhyun screams toward me

"Dui Zhanggg !!! Help us !!!"

Baekhyun grabs Iseul sleeve & hide behind her. She blocked [PAST TENSE] them & the fan girls [You wrote '...and they throw' which has an unclear antecedent. Since you're using a pronoun, you need to make sure they have a clear antecedent. You did mention the fan girls, but then you used 'them' to describe the boys, so technically 'they' is referring to the boys, which I know is probably not what you meant.] threw [Past Tense] some towels that written "Marry me Baekhyun" or " Be My Husband Chanyeol ! I will give you lots of babies" [You say 'lots' so baby needs to be plural].

Baekhyun , Chanyeol & I ['Me' is an object pronoun and this is a subject] ran away to the canteen [article!] and I don't know what happen to Iseul.

Pity on you !
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Iseul's POV

Where the heck is that Wu fan ! After I finished [You didn't have a subject in the prepositional phrase] giving [You already have 'finished' as your verb, so 'giving' is your gerund as a noun] some lessons [If you use 'some' the noun has to be plural] to the fan girls, I lost [You wrote '..and I lost' But you have a prepositional phrase, so 'I lost' is your main clause. It's not a compound sentence]. Wonderful !

"Ouch ! Watch where [I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.] you are walking !" shouted a girl wears a 10cm high heels to hide her shortness.

"I'm sorry" I said and bow 90 degrees toward her.

"I don't accept your apology, Kneel in front of me !" She used her arrogant voice.

"If you don't accept my apology ,Fine then ! Do I care?" .

"Hey you new student ! I sure you're a new student because people who know me never dare speak that rudely [It's modifying a verb, so therefore, it's an adverb] to me. I'm Jessica Jung , The child of the owner of this school. I can do what I want so you better kneel down before I take some actions."

"So shameless. It's your parents' [Possession!] school anyway not yours. I'm not kneeling to someone so shameless like you. I'm going now." I walked without hearing what she mumbled.
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I walk through the canteen & found my brother sitting [You already have a verb, so sitting is the participle phrase] with a girl in a VIP area who also wears a 10cm high heels with a super mini skirt

"Wu Fan !!" I shouted toward her

"Who is she? How dare she call [Present tense, because it's dialogue] your real name? No fangirls are [Need a helping verb] allowed to enter this area. This is The Elites area," said [since the girl is saying it, the dialogue is what she's saying, so the correct punctuation must be used] the girl, [the phrase should be set off by a comma]  sending me a cold glare

"I told you ! Call me Kris instead of Wu Fan ! This is the 99966878 time [Not times] I've [You need the helping verb 'have' for present perfect tense] told you." He shouted toward me

"Yah ! You should be grateful because that I saved you [Your previous sentence just sounded awkward] !" I shouted back

"HOW DARE YOU SHOUT[Dialogue] TO KRIS !?" The girl [No verb?] mad

"You girl , Shut up! None of your business" I sent her a glare

"Kris , ask [The girl is asking for something that hasn't happened yet, so it's present tense] her to apologize !" She nagged to Kris.

"In your dreams [The phrase is 'In your dreams'] !" I shouted 

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Kris' POV

"In your dreams !" Iseul shouted to her

Kekeke , my sister doesn't change from day to day. It's kinda funny to see Krystal being humiliated because she always being praised by people because of her S line.

"Kris ! You're not doing anything [Can't have two negatives in a sentence] to this looking girl?!" Krystal exploded.

"If I'm a than you're a !"

"Yahh ! Can't you stop fighting?" I shouted

"NO !" They answered together

What the hell ...

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Iseul's POV

"Okay , let me explain to you. I'm Krystal , part of the Elites. Nobody [Nobody is one word] can enter this area because this is The Elites area and only & the Elites members [If relatives is plural, members has to be plural too..It's all about parallelism] & relatives can enter this area. Do you understand?" She speaks arrogantly.

"Umm Krystal , but..." Kris speak up

"But what?! You choose her over [Just sounds better than 'than'] your own girlfriend?!" She blamed Kris.

"What? Girlfriend?!" I blurted.

"Girlfriend?" Kris also shocked.

"Yah Kris ! You should tell me before you decided to have a girlfriend like her !" I scolded [PAST TENSE] him

"It's not like you're my mother," Kris arrogantly said.

"If I'm your mother , I would [She's saying IF she was...'will' implies that she will be his mother someday.] kick your for choosing a girl like her"

"It's not like Mother has [Mother is singular, so has must be singular] that kind of strength to kick me."

"Yah ! What's wrong about Kris choosing a girl like me ?!" Krystal annoyed

"Oh my ! Kris ,you are so ..." I stressed.

"Yah ! Can't anybody listen to me ?! I'm still alive here !" Krystal shouted

"I thought you're dead" I said.

"Kris ! Who is she?" Krystal asked.

"I'm her sister. So what?!" I replied.

"Dream on !" She doesn't believe it.

"But Krystal , She's really my sister" Kris spoke [PAST TENSE] up

"WHAT?"

So that's it...There were several other numerous mistakes over the span of the next chapters, but just doing this took a long time...By looking at this, you should know what are the main things that you should pay attention to. I hope you sincerely heed my grammatical advice. :)

General Enjoyment/Last Comments -2/5

Okay, so...Your love triangles had potential, and your story's appearance was amazing. But, I'm just those type of readers that if I see numerous grammar mistakes, I just tend to skim the story, or I skip it entirely. I have to admit, I had to force myself a little to read this story because of the grammar (Sorry >.<;; This stuff bothers me), but your story has great potential! The last thing I would say that I hope you think about seriously is that: You've got an amazing story. A little cliché, but it has the potential to stand out from those other cliché fan fiction. Please, please, please try to heed my advice about grammar. You don't want prospective readers to turn away just because of the grammar. It really does have potential!

67/100 points

Note from hottest7684:

Hey guys! Thanks for all the requests :3
It was kind of funny when I uploaded this chapter, because when I pasted it from word, the highlights from the grammar section didn't show. /sobs/ So I had to rehighlight everything. It took me like 20 minutes. OTL

Okay so whining done, I'm home again and I have wi-fi, so I'll actually be able to do stuff. kittyxluvlee suggested I get a set layout for the shop, think it might be a good idea?

Thanks again :)