Story title: Everyone Needs Love
Story link: click

Author: Aeromeda

Reviewer: hottest7684
 

✎Title: (4/5)
I like your title! When I searched it up, your story was the only one that came up! Nice job on the creativity. However, in my opinion I wouldn’t personally click it if I was scanning through some fics to read.

✎Characters and Characterization: ( 7/10)
So far, I’m kind of liking Sarang. She seems cool and fun to be around. Same with Lu Han.
However, I kind of wish you could go into more depth about them. You know, describing the different unique things about them, and what makes them different, but the same.


✎Description and Foreword: (7/15)
Now, I don’t think the character descriptions of EXO are needed in the description, because you can describe the way they are when you write the story. (I am going to pick your about describing things s girl.) They’re cluttered and make it look messy. So I don’t think they have to be there.

Also, some people say that you shouldn’t have character descriptions at all in a foreword or description of a story, but some people think its okay. In this case, the descriptions about Lu Han and Sarang are alright in my opinion. But just so you know about that.

Oh, and the copy of your poster in the bottom, it doesn’t need to be that big or even there at all. You can resize it to make it smaller. Because again, it makes the description and foreword look kind of messy.

✎Appearance: (7/15)
Alright.
So I noticed that you had pictures scattered a little bit throughout the chapters to show what you were trying to describe.
That’s a big no-no hunny bunny. You shouldn’t need or have those there. Same with the linking to pictures (like in chapter 1).
Instead, try to describe what you want to show more.

Ex: Instead of
‘Sarang walked into the school, and walked towards the security guards. She showed them her college badge, and scanned her card through the security slots.’
and then having a picture here.

Try more like:

‘Sarang walked into the school, walking towards the security guards. She had to admit, some of the guards were pretty intimidating. She showed them her college badge, and scanned through one of the many security slots. They were almost like the same ones you would see at a subway station to scan your ticket. Sarang thought it was pretty cool.’

Do you get what I mean? In normal books that you read, there aren’t random pictures in the chapters, right?
Just so you know, that isn’t really a great thing to do in your stories. So try to go more in depth with you descriptions. Even look at the pictures while you’re writing and think, how can I describe this to my readers?

 Other than the pictures though, your font and paragraphing was good.

✎Originality: (8/10)
Because you’re only to chapter 5 on your story, it’s hard to tell how original your plot is for now. But, so far I like it and I think that it’s going to be a pretty original plot.
 

✎Flow: (6/10)
Some of your events were a little jumpy. That doesn’t really make sense, does it…
While I was reading, I got confused a couple of times about what was happening. A new character was there randomly, or a character had changed places very fast or something.
Be careful with that.

✎Grammar and Spelling: (25/30)
Your grammar and spelling seemed to improve as the story went on.

Here are just some examples of what I saw in a few places of the story.

O: Other than those few times, she was cooped up in her loft room studying…
C: Other than those few times, she was cooped up in her room studying…
Note- The crossed out loft doesn’t need to be there.

O: He yawned real loudly,
C: He yawned really loudly,
(that’s probably just a spelling error. But you know.)

This is kind of random, but when you showed what someone was thinking, you used asterisks. ** < those things.
I think it’s more correct to italicize the text to show thoughts. Just to let you know.

I don’t think there was much other than just small little things. Your best bet is to try to get someone to proof read your work before you post it, or wait a few days after you write it, and then re-read the chapter yourself.
And then ask yourself, does this make sense? Could this word be changed to make it better? Etc.

✎General Enjoyment: (4/5)
Other than the jumpy events and pictures, I think your story will be a good read!

✎Personal Thoughts: (Not for points)
I liked reading your story! Please keep writing and don’t give up, alright? J
 

Total: (60/100)
The only reason your score is pretty low is because of the pictures and links in the chapters and the description.
Other than that, your story was pretty good! 

Sorry if this review took a while orz
Thanks for requesting!